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Blind Chess	By : madradena Category: Star Trek > The Next Generation Views: 1334 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I do not own ST:TNG, nor the characters. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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They were standing on the roof of the holo-disguised building, Emma put her lower arms on the wide ledge made of rough concrete and looked out on the view. Data stood at her side and watched her as she spoke. The wind blew a strand of her long hair into her face, and she swept it back behind her ear absently. The double-moons shone in her eyes, and Data dedicated a separately running processor thread to be able to simply admire the sight of her against the starry night.
"It all started... two and a half, maybe three years ago." she began on a calm, steady voice "I was just over my third miscarriage. Nobody knew why I kept losing the babies in the third month, and it seemed impossible to figure out the reason with 21st century methods. I had to accept the thought that if I wanted to have a child, I'd have to take the risk of losing another baby... It's a thought that can drive you crazy in itself alone... Partly because of it, my marriage was a complete disaster. We tortured each other on a daily basis. I was considering divorce, but whenever it came up, he somehow managed to convince me, that we could somehow work it out, and I just... didn't have the strength... and it started all over again and again and again... I hated my job. I had to give up acting years before, when the movie industry collapsed. I was a doctor at the local hospital and watching people die of sicknesses that I could have cured, had I have the means... It was slowly eating away at me. The last straw was Earl. His son died and he... he crossed over to the Resistance. Before that, he was working for them, but after it, he completely gave up his daily life for them. It meant we had to say goodbye - neither of us knew for how long..." she trailed off as she considered how to go on.
Data contemplated whether he should ask the questions that had been on his mind ever since he got to know Earl. When he saw that Emma was carried away by her thoughts, he decided that this could have been as good a moment to ask as any.
"Who exactly... is Earl?" he asked reluctantly.
She seemed to snap out of her reverie - and seemed to be relieved by it. She smiled and shrugged only looking at the view "He used to be my agent. He... he became my best friend. The only person I could confide in with my marital problems." she looked at him finally and saw that he stood there with a slightly uncomfortable expression, as if he wanted to ask something, he didn't quite feel confident about.
She smiled "Oh, come on... you know you may ask whatever you want."
"I know, it's just..." he shook his head, she was right - he looked into her eyes and asked finally "Were you and him... did the two of you..." Her eyes widened in surprise, and he immediately backed off "Forgive me my prying... it's really none of my business."
She smiled "Oh, silly!" she turned to him fully "You know it IS your business." she gazed away thoughtfully "I think in the beginning, if I have given him the slightest of signs, he'd have understood and taken the opportunity. But I've always considered him the father I never had. And he understood and accepted it. He never crossed that imaginary line we drew at the beginning. Ever. He's a gentleman." she looked at him again "And now, I think, neither of us would want it in any other way than it is now."
"It is similar to the way I consider Doctor Crusher and Counselor Troi then. I confide in them the way you confide in Earl without feeling any kind of attraction toward them." he mused trying to find a comparison.
She smiled faintly "Exactly." she turned back to the view.
After a moment of silence, he decided to encourage her to go on "I'm sorry for the interruption. Please continue."
She sighed "Yeah, that's what I'm supposed to do... I just wish I knew how..." she shook her head a little and fumbled in the pocket of her coat. She drew out a small sachet and looked at it thoughtfully. Data stood there gaping, shocked, knowing exactly what he saw in her hands. She finally went on, but looked only at the white stuff in her hand, her voice was low and grim "It's called Chrystal. A colleague of mine at the hospital gave it to me first, when he saw how sad I was. Told me, I'd feel better... would find my REAL self again..." she looked out at the view, and the chilling wind blew into her hair, sweeping her long strands out of her face "The first time... I felt... beautiful..." she shook her head with a faint, helpless smile "Pathetic, isn't it? As if that was the one thing missing from my life... From the life of a celebrated actress... Later on, I understood, it simply wiped my inhibitions away... And I wanted more! In a matter of weeks, I hit rock bottom. I just couldn't stop. I was so lost, so alone, so helpless that there was no reason... I found no reason to talk myself out of buying another shot and another... It lasted three months. I admit there are things I don't remember... It was hell... And what I woke up to was another form of hell as well." she grew silent again, and Data could see how lost she was in her memories. He couldn't stand to watch her so tortured. He reached out and took her hand into his.
Emma looked at him shocked for a moment, then turned fully to him and let him put her hand to his chest. He made her feel his heartbeat through the fabric of his thin shirt, and she felt a catch in her throat at the sensation. He was there. So warm, so alive! With her. She wasn't alone. She took her hand out of his, reached up and stroked his cheek gratefully. They stood there with their gazes locked for a long moment before she turned back to the view, opened the small sachet and let the wind carry the white, sparkling powder away into the darkness. Finally, she let the sachet go with the wind too.
After a moment, she went on "Ed couldn't afford a wife who was an addict. He rather put me into a mental institution, claiming that I had a nervous breakdown. I was fairly popular even years after I quit acting. People were asking questions after I crossed to the Resistance. Of course, he couldn't admit that the wife of one of the highest ranking government officials is now working for the Resistance! THIS was his cover story throughout. For two years, he convinced the people that I simply went mad... His popularity flared! The poor guy who kept on being faithful to his beloved, deranged wife - as if we were in some lousy gothic novel!" she laughed a hallow laugh and then shrugged "Earl got me out of the nuthouse. The last Starfleet officer on the colony helped him... Amery... he was the nicest, most good-willed person..." her face again grow grim and her voice full of bitterness "He got shot in the head as we ran for the car... I barely remember anything of my escape I was so delirious of the drugs I had been given... but I do remember how his... brain was smeared on the wall next to us... how his blood just flowed out of the hole on the side of his head... Earl grabbed me and dragged me to the car... the sun shone so brightly, I had to cover my eyes... and I was so cold in that thin hospital gown I had on, I thought I was gonna freeze... and the blood dried very slowly on it, very slowly... I trembled, Earl shouted..."
Data watched her with growing shock and agitation. She seemed so lost in her memories, as if she was reliving them the way he had when HE was having flashbacks from his abduction by the Borg. He reached out and gently took her two wrists in his hands the way she used to, when she had helped him through his own horrible memories and stroked her skin with his thumbs.
She looked up at him with confusion in her eyes, and then a faint, grateful smile curled her lips upward "It's okay, baby..." she breathed on a distant voice "My emotion-chip is off right now. I don't feel a thing. Not a thing..."
He let go one of her wrists and raising his hand to her face, he tenderly touched the tips of his long fingers to her cheek as he told her on a soft voice "As much as it is fascinating that you are able to understand how I was before my emotion-chip, as much as I feel helplessly attached to you because of it... it's not right, if you dismiss your feelings. You told me so, and now I'm telling you in return."
She gazed into his eyes for a long moment, then reached up for his hand and took it in both of hers. Shutting her eyes, she kissed his knuckles tenderly. He wished so much to just kiss her and wish her past away! No logic or rationality was there in that wish, but he came to be used to having less rationality concerning her by now. But this time, he knew, he just had to let her talk, and listen for now.
She opened her eyes and letting his hand go, turned back to the view. She put her lower arms on the ledge holding on to her upper arms with her hands and then smiled thoughtfully "It was not me... That piece of wisdom is not coming from me. It's from my therapist, Gabriel. We met at the Resistance... I suppose Earl asked him to help me, because he could see that with all my marital traumatization AND a drug problem, I really hit rock bottom, and he probably had no idea how to deal with this all by himself. I was skeptical first. But... Gabriel helped. As much as he could. As much as I could be helped." she again trailed off, and after a long moment of silence, he knew he had to push her on.
"Where is he now?" he asked silently.
"Dead." she told him simply not looking at him "Died when the hospital we worked at was raided... It tore me to pieces... I never admitted to him but I... I was in love with him for a little while at the beginning of the therapy. When he died, though that platonic love had gone long ago, he still meant a lot to me." another pause came, but suddenly, she sighed and seemed to go on on a stronger voice "He viewed the world so innocently... Pretty much the way you do - though..." she smiled and glanced at him "...your innocence is extreme at times..."
"You really think so?" he asked a little confused.
She smiled thoughtfully "You - as much as Gabriel did - believe that humans are inherently good. You admire them, want to be one of them. He refused to believe that the Epsilonians deserve what they brought upon themselves." her voice became surprisingly hard.
"Do you not?" he asked stunned.
She turned to him and looked straight into his eyes "I do not." she told him firmly "I think they all deserve what they get from the leaders they elected, in the society they chose to be part of. As much as I deserve all that has happened to me for all the poor choices I've made in my life." she told him with blazing eyes, but somehow he knew she was not angry at HIM.
He frowned shocked at this "Even if you know that these people are being misled? Even if you know that your husband misled and mistreated YOU? Are you so unforgiving even to yourself, even to the people I know you love, that you cannot forgive those poor choices? That you cannot see that NOBODY, not you, not the Epsilonians deserve being abused the way you were abused? I know you're not so short sighted, Emma. I know because I know you."
Her lips curled upward at this, and she looked at him with appreciation for an instant, but then she rolled her eyes in mock bemusement "Yeah... This is why I say, the level of your innocence is in the extreme region." she could see that he was not sure how to react to this, and she went on with a more heart-felt smile "And this is why I say, you're the best person I've ever met. By far better than ANY human I've ever met." she turned back to the view to her previous posture leaning on the ledge "Forgive me for saying this, but... I hope you'll never achieve what you want, and would never become completely human. And that you'll remain the perfect being you are right now." she felt her first emotion since she'd recalled the story of her escape from the mental institution - and she was not surprised that THAT first emotion was fear. She knew she'd hurt him with this, and with all their differences... she might as well lose him on that single statement.
He was shocked at first, but then thinking about it, he came to the conclusion that Emma simply met the wrong people throughout her life. She just needed to spend time with people like his crew on the Enterprise, and she'd change her mind. He reached out and swept her long hair back behind her shoulder. She turned her head shocked at the tender touch and gaped as she saw him smiling. She turned to him fully as he smiled "And I hope that I WILL achieve what I wish, one day. Now, I got one more reason to hope for it! Because if I did, then there would be one human who would have the chance at restoring your faith in your species."
She stood there gaping watching him as he mimicked her previous posture and leaned to the ledge looking out over the city. He was just so amazing! So trusting! So... so attractive, she smiled in admiration involuntary as she was watching him. The wind had no chance at blowing even a strand of his perfectly combed hair, but it did move the ends a little behind his ear. She swallowed the urge to cuddle up to him and start kissing his neck and ear - they had a lot more to discuss! So she leaned to the ledge next to him and looked out on the view too.
After standing there in silence for a few more moments, finally Data spoke up on a silent, reluctant voice: "Em..." She turned her head to look at him, and he went on seemingly very unsure "Why... why did you have this drug here with you?"
Emma smiled realizing how worrying it might have seemed after listening to the story she'd told him. She shook her head "Not because I wanted to take it, baby." she reassured him on a gentle voice. She sighed and turned back to the view "You see, I knew that Ed wanted to make sure that 'his chérie' is the same insecure, vulnerable gal I used to be, while I was his wife. I needed to convince him that I was."
"So when you saw us talking, and you became upset, it was all part of this plan?" he asked trying to understand it.
She shook her head "No. I WAS very upset. But then I thought about it, and realized that this was an opportunity that might never return to prove myself to you. I wanted to prove to you - to all of you - that you CAN trust me, and that I do trust YOU. Not Starfleet with admirals like Uncle Seth. But you, the crew of the Enterprise. This is why I led you here. The other reason was that I knew that Ed would have had me followed. So I did what he expected me to do after seeing me so upset: I went to buy some Chrystal to comfort myself. I knew his thugs would be following me. I also knew they wouldn't want to take me back to the residence. They were coming after me only to report to Ed whether he was right in his hope that 'his chérie' was still as lost as he had made her with years of hard work."
Data nodded thoughtfully "I believe I understand now." They looked into each other's eyes, and Emma smiled relieved. Data went on on a curious voice cocking his head "Was this the reason behind the fact that you didn't want your husband to learn about us? That you want to deceive him into thinking that you're alone and fragile?"
She turned to him and shook her head with a gloomy expression. He held her gaze slightly confused as she took a moment to answer "No, Data. I just wanted to protect you." she answered silently.
"Protect ME?" he asked opening his eyes wide, surprised.
"Yeah..." she shook her head again and seemed to be embarrassed "I know that if he learns that you're important to me, he'll hurt you. One way or the other." she sighed frustrated "I needed you here with me, I think I'd go mad, if you weren't here. But somehow I need to try to protect you."
He looked a little taken aback by this reasoning. He never felt he needed protection from any human not having a degree in cybernetics, and it was strange to hear that SHE felt she needed to protect him. Especially, that she was a fragile human whereas he was a sturdy android - even if he needed protection, how would she be able to provide it? Anyways, it was a moot point: "Emma," he began and took her hand gently in his "it doesn't matter anymore." she looked up at him worried as he went on "He already knows that you're important to me - or more precisely the fact that we're important to each other... I believe it might have been apparent without saying a single word to each other. And I don't think it's a bad thing. Whatever his or anyone else's reaction may be, it doesn't matter. I don't want to hide from anyone."
She squeezed his hand and gazed into his eyes almost desperately "I know, baby, I know! I don't want to hide either. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself, if you got hurt because of me!"
He looked at her smiling apologetically "Em, no one on this planet can hurt me. They don't have the means. Bullets can't do any damage to me - well, apart from tearing the bioplast, see?" he held out his palm to her to show her the cut that the bullet he'd caught before it could hit Picard left on his hand. She frowned stunned and took his hand into both of hers leaning closer to his palm. She seemed to be studying his hand or the wound on it for a long moment, then she slowly raised a hand and brushed a gentle finger over the metal visible under the bioplast.
"So this is how you look inside?" she asked on a whisper gazing only at the wound almost as if she was mesmerized by the moonlight sparkling in it - on the metal.
He suddenly felt really self-conscious. She might have been okay with knowing that he was a machine, but SEEING it...
"Are you made of metal?" she asked stroking the wound again - she was surprised that the metal was as warm as his skin.
"Yes. Mostly." he answered on a low, embarrassed voice.
She finally turned her gaze up to meet his, and he was surprised to find that it reflected pure curiosity "How can you be so soft?" she asked almost with the innocence of a child asking her Teddy bear about what he was made up of.
He smiled embarrassed - AND relieved - and glanced away before locking gazes with her again "Are you sure you'd like to discuss how my endoskeletal structure is constructed, right at the moment?"
She blinked realizing it was really not the best of times "Oh, maybe some other time..." she nodded letting his hand go embarrassed. She sighed and leaned over the ledge again. He watched her as she looked out over the view. She sighed and shrugged "Well, Deadpan, your turn now." she said without looking at him "Don't think you'll get away without telling me YOUR story."
He sighed a little uneasily as he leaned on the ledge too "I know, however I'm somewhat uncertain about telling it to you." they locked gazes again, and to her questioning look, he went on a little defensively "I-I'm not reluctant about telling you, because I don't want to. I'm reluctant because I'm afraid that several aspects of this story might do further damage to your already somewhat wavering faith in humanity."
She snorted and chuckled waving her hand "Oh, don't ya worry about THAT! There's no faith that could waver anyways." he looked away uncomfortably as she asked "But just stop beating around the bush and start already!" He sighed gazing out over the view as she went on "Who's this Doctor Maddox you mentioned? Everybody seemed pretty distressed only by hearing the name, yet you seem to trust him, so what's the deal with him?"
Data glanced at her uneasily but then started to talk "Well... For you to understand the situation, I will need to start from almost thirty years ago. When I first applied to Starfleet Academy, Bruce Maddox was the only member of the committee to object to my acceptance... on the basis that I am not a sentient being."
Emma frowned and opened her mouth to say something, but Data tried to ignore her reactions, so he could get over the story as quick as it was possible. He leant his lower arms on the ledge and just went on.
"There was a long debate, and a lot of tests, and finally, I WAS accepted. In essence, it was rather an experiment on the part of Starfleet as I understand. I was a unique life-form, they wanted to see how I would perform and how far I would advance. However, the question of my sentience was not settled at this time. I always knew that the lack of a legal decision in this matter WILL come and haunt me later on. Over a year after I started serving on the Enterprise, Maddox paid a visit. By that time, he became the foremost cyberneticist of the Daystrom Institute, and had all the power, influence and prestige he needed for an experiment he wanted me to take part in. Or more precisely, to be the subject of." he grew silent to think about how to go on.
Watching him so lost in his memories, Emma felt a cold chill slowly climbing up her spine: "What did he want?" she breathed finally.
He sighed and gave a short glance at her, trying hard to ignore her worried expression "Well... To phrase it as simply as possible... he wanted to take me apart."
"What?!" Emma barked gaping, wide-eyed. Did she just hear him wrong?!
Data let out a long breath "He was having trouble with fully replicating the design my father used, when he had built me. So he wanted to take a look inside. A very... close look inside."
"As if you were some sort of a doll?! Or experimental guinea pig?!" Emma asked now fully agitated.
Data finally took up the courage to turn his head to her. His face was pleading, and Emma understood that it was hard enough for him to recall these memories without her getting hysterical. So she decided to retreat for now:
"I-I'm sorry..." she said feeling her cheeks burn, but she was not sure whether it was from embarrassment or from her suddenly racing heart drumming so hard in her chest "Just don't let me interrupt. I'll try to be shocked as silently as I can." she told him clearing her throat.
Data nodded "Thank you." missing the bitter humour in her sentence. He turned back to the view "It was obvious that I would have had to do as he said. He was my superior officer, and Starfleet duty required me to obey. It was a form of service, if you wish... Finally, Captain Picard helped me fight the decision of the JAG officer of the Starbase we were staying at the time. He convinced Captain Louvois to have a legal hearing, where I can defend myself - or somebody of my choosing can have the possibility of doing it for me. Due to the fact that the base was new, there was no staff, so Captain Picard defended me, and Commander Riker prosecuted the case."
"Riker?!"
Data shook his head "He had no other choice. Captain Louvois would have summarily ruled against me, if there had been no hearing, and without prosecution... there could have been no hearing." he looked at her now with THAT neutral expression she knew so well - she didn't dare to try to guess what she could see in his deep, unreadable gaze this time... He went on turning back to the view, and Emma got the impression that it must have been easier to talk without watching her reactions. He went on "Later on, when I utilized the emotion-chip, this hearing was one of the hardest experiences I ever had to cope with emotionally... It took me a few weeks to be able to talk to Commander Riker without constantly thinking about him... reaching behind my back and turning me off."
"What?! He did that? He-he turned you off?!" she asked again agitated - her previous promise of staying calm forgotten.
Data glanced at her slightly pleading "He had to prove that I'm a machine. He did prove it the most convincing way possible." he didn't want to go into any further details of Riker's questioning at the hearing. For him, the fact that his arm was taken off was a lot less shocking experience than it must have sounded to a human. His body parts - even his head - were detachable and most of them replaceable in some way. But for a human, he could tell, especially judging from the reaction of Captain Louvois, that taking body parts off of an entity was not something entirely casual or easy to shrug off by a human.
"I understand, but... ohgod..." she shook her head shutting her eyes for a long moment. She tried to imagine what she would have done in Riker's place, if the only way for her to protect Data would involve hurting or betraying him in some way... Well... she would have simply taken the third option instead of choosing from the two possible ones. She'd have just kidnapped him and have him run as far away from the Federation as they could - but then again, she didn't have the same bond Data had with Starfleet AND the Enterprise. Easy for her to contemplate THAT as an option...
"The final ruling was a bit obscure. I was given the right to choose. But no decision was made on my sentience NOR was it entirely proven that I am a sentient being. I did formally refuse to participate in Maddox' experiment. By the end of the hearing, he seemed to change in his opinion about me. He started to use the pronoun 'he' instead of 'it' when talking about me, and in general, he seemed to treat me more like he would treat a human. Without emotions, it was quite easy for me to rise above his previous treatment of me or the events of the legal hearing. I WAS actually interested in his advancements of cybernetics, so we corresponded for quite a few years... Up until I started to utilize my emotion-chip... when I started to be so afraid of him, as if he was a convicted murderer." his voice became low and grave - he did lose a kind-of friend simply by having emotions, because he just couldn't fight them, they were so deep seated.
Emma watched him for a moment longer confused "But you did invite him to do the procedure to remove your chip..."
Data looked at her again and this time held her gaze "Yes, because of two very simple reasons. Firstly, my sentience is not in question anymore. Last year, I had the matter legally settled for good with the help of Captain Picard AND Captain Louvois based on the legal hearing of eight years ago. Now, I am a full citizen of the Federation with its benefits and responsibilities, meaning that nobody can injure me without facing the same consequences they would face, if they injured an organic being of the Federation. Secondly, the procedure of converting my emotion-chip to be removable is far beyond the cybernetic capabilities of Geordi. He is an exemplary Engineer, but not a cyberneticist, and Maddox knows the Soong design the best. In the strictest technical sense, I trust Maddox the most. I also know that for Geordi, this procedure would mean that he is dissecting his own best friend. I cannot let him go through such an ordeal - a similar one Commander Riker had to go through for me."
"I see..." she sighed thinking about all that she'd heard. Still there were some missing pieces of the jigsaw. "What about the court martial?" she asked as he gazed into her eyes "Why were you court martialed in the first place, if you're a citizen of the Federation? Aren't you entitled to have emotions just as any organic being is?"
"My rights as a Federation citizen were never in question during the court martial, Emma." he shook his head pondering "I believe there's not a lot that you don't know about the court martial itself already. Starfleet Command read the reports of Counsellor Troi, and decided on an official hearing. During the hearing, it became obvious that I've made several severe breaches of the rules and regulations by utilizing the emotion-chip without consulting with the Daystrom Institute first, so it was decided that I'd be court martialed."
Emma frowned "Consulting about what? If you ARE considered a full, sentient citizen of the Federation, what do they have to do with all this? This is your life, your decision, your emotions." she asked feeling again that strong urge to protect him.
Data looked at her pleading "Understand, Emma. It is not about my right to have emotions! It's about the fact that emotions change me thoroughly. The emotion-chip affects my judgment, my abilities, my resource utilization, therefore it affects my performance as a Starfleet officer. My rank as Lieutenant Commander was given to me based on my performance unaffected by emotions. It IS reasonable that they're doubting my abilities, especially based on how I was performing after my abduction."
She stared at him feeling desperation welling up in her "You speak as if you believed all these things too!"
Data shrugged almost apologetically "Because they are true, Em." She gaped shocked, and he shook his head frustrated "Even if I believed even for a second that they were wrong... today was proof enough that they were right!"
"Why, for god's sake?!"
Data hung his head "I was so upset about you running out on me... I couldn't think clearly. I wasn't even in the vicinity of that! I completely misjudged your reasoning, and it was mere luck that I found your note - even though you left it at the most straightforward place for me to find it. On top of this all, I was ready to... to confront Admiral McKinnley even in a physical manner, when he provoked me and the Captain. My mind just went completely blank, I just wanted to... I don't even know what I wanted to..." he breathed finally very ashamed of his unbecoming, out of character behaviour.
She shook her head frustrated "Uncle Seth is a son-of-a-bitch! Don't judge yourself by your reaction to what he says. He's always been like that. When I was a child, and he came to us as a guest, he took pleasure in teasing the life out of me. And teasing is not the correct word for what he was doing. Teasing should be at least funny. But he actually wants people to be hurt."
"I understand, Emma, but I clearly overreacted whatever he was saying. I can tell because Captain Picard remained calm." he explained turning his palms up seeming very convinced by the truth of his words.
Emma rolled her eyes "He's such a stone-faced, stone-skinned guy, no wonder he could stay calm. But you are different, you're sensitive..."
"Yes!" he told her cutting in "This is exactly the problem. Me as a person CAN be sensitive, but me as a Starfleet officer, as a Lieutenant Commander cannot."
They stood there gazing into each other's eyes for a long moment. She had to admit, he had a point. And it was just crazy that this whole injustice had a point! She shook her head letting a long, frustrated breath out and gazed out on the view seemingly giving in to his reasoning. But deep in her heart she knew she would never be able to accept this. Ever. She sighed wistfully "This is just so unfair..." she told him silently on a breaking voice surprising herself more than him by the sudden tears that ran to her eyes. She quickly blinked them back wiping her face and sniffling.
He watched her for a moment longer and couldn't help but felt grateful for her tears. And strangely enough he felt, he wished he could cry too! No tears came, but he had to admit he'd felt like crying his eyes out ever since this ordeal had begun! He never dared to let himself, because it was all so irrational, even pathetic, knowing that Starfleet was essentially right! Still right at the moment, he felt very much like giving himself over to this irrational grief... And was there any reason not to? Tonight he'd already discarded most of what remained of his trademark hyper-rationality. He nodded frowning slightly "Yes. Yes, it is unfair." he whispered almost as if he was ashamed to say the words.
She looked at him stunned - he had never expressed any negative emotions regarding how he was treated, or mistreated by Starfleet or anyone else. He gazed out on the view as his words almost stumbled one after the other as he tried to tell her something he'd never dared to voice aloud to anyone before, including his own self "I know you think I'm generous and..." he shook his head looking for words "I know you think I don't hold grudges. And I really don't, it is just... I'm aware of the fact that... were I a human... life would be much... much less complicated... and... and I know you think I accept the ruling of the court martial - and to a certain extent I do! I even agree! But... I agree only rationally. Because... even though it's difficult to live with them sometimes, I... I got used to my emotions, and I like having emotions... I like the person I've become by them, more than I like the person I used to be before... And I feel it's unfair that... after overcoming all these problems, all these difficulties... I'll be deprived of them, without being given the slightest chance to prove myself worthy of the very rank I hold." he turned his head to her, and a desperate expression appeared on his features "Is this ego? ...Because if it is, then it may as well be alright that I'll be able to use my emotion-chip less - I don't want to become someone like Lore..."
She gaped shocked at this: she knew about Lore. He'd told her about him, and she knew how scared he was about the fact that they were almost identical - he was constantly afraid of becoming his evil brother. And she knew this fear was so deep seated that she barely had any chance at convincing him that there was no way he would ever become Lore... But she had to try so she put her arms around him gently, comfortingly. He let her and held her close for a moment before she pulled away a little and locked her concerned gaze with his confused one. "Babe, ego and being totally egocentric are two completely different things. Ego is just fine, believe me. It gives you self-confidence, and that's one thing that you need more than anything! Taking pride in your achievements or being upset about an injustice against you doesn't warrant that you'll become unscrupulous like your brother." she sighed "Do you believe me?" she asked on a thin voice seeing his skeptical expression.
Data looked into her eyes with a surprised small smile - she seemed so anxious for him to feel better. The thought was comforting in itself. He nodded reluctantly "I believe I have to admit, that there is logic in your reasoning. But somehow..." he frowned thoughtfully "...somehow again, my emotions don't correlate with whatever logic dictates."
She smiled reassuringly at that "Well... you might already have achieved what you wished for! Because that's actually very human..."
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Blind Chess