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Darkest Nights	By : Bucken-Berry Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 1451 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU or it's characters and I'm not making money from this.

Chapter List
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George finally managed to convince himself that he wasn't going to feel any cleaner- despite the fact that he still felt dirty- and he stepped out of the shower with a sigh, wrapping a towel around his waist. He walked slowly and entered the bedroom.
"George?" Elliot called.
George gave a startled shout, then shook his head. "Sorry, Elliot, my startle reflex is getting absolutely ridiculous… anyway, what is it?"
"Are you okay?" Elliot asked gently.
"No," George said flatly. He laid down next to Elliot, looking troubled.
"Want to talk?"
"No," George said, shaking his head. "Believe me; I've done enough talking today."
"Sorry," Elliot said softly. He noticed that George's skin looked irritated, and he immediately knew what had happened. He didn't comment, though; George had said he didn't want to talk, and Elliot wasn't going to press the issue when there was no chance that anything he said would help. It bothered him, but it was a sad reality for rape victims- though, he would try to convince George that in the future, he should give up on feeling completely clean, before he scrubbed his skin raw. George already knew that, but maybe Elliot could help.
He wrapped an arm around George's chest and, when the smaller man didn't object, began stroking his ribs lightly. George was healthier physically, but that didn't do much to reassure him now that he had George's mental state to worry about.
"This feels… intimate," George noted. Then he gave a sigh. "I'm pointing out the obvious."
"It isn't pointing out the obvious, really," Elliot argued automatically.
"Thanks," George muttered.
The room grew quiet, causing George to shift uncomfortably. "Sorry, I forgot that silence is a trigger," Elliot apologized. He'd spent the last few days trying to learn George's triggers, so that he could avoid them. They usually kept a television or radio on so that there would be some background noise.
"The odd thing is, I don't like sound any more than silence. It was loud when they did all those things to me." He swallowed. "There were shouts and things… but the quiet came to be associated with the pain and dread that I felt after, and just before, the attacks… I just figured out in the hospital that sound was the lesser of two evils," George informed him with a sigh.
George absently ran a hand over Elliot's arm. "You're pretty muscular," he observed. It was said without a hint of lust. Elliot wasn't surprised, though- he knew George wouldn't want to think about sex for as long as he could avoid it. It would be months, if not years, before he could manage to even think about sex. Not to mention the fact that it had only been a day or so earlier that they'd found out that George hadn't contracted any sexually transmitted diseases from his attackers. That had been a relief, but it didn't fix any of the psychological effects.
Elliot also noticed that he found George sexually attractive, though he was trying not to think of him that way, because of all George had been through. He tried to ignore his body's response.
"Yeah, I am muscular," Elliot said with a tiny chuckle. He leaned forward and kissed George gently. It was a soft, comforting kiss, but Elliot found himself getting hard- he wished he could have kept it at comfort for George's sake, because he didn't want to alarm George, but he couldn't.
George felt Elliot's hardness and pulled away. "You… want me," he whispered, shocked. The thought scared him more than it should. Elliot wasn't threatening like his attackers were, but George was still quite afraid of other people, especially men. It was extremely frustrating.
"Yeah… I do want you," Elliot mumbled awkwardly. "Don't worry about that, though."
"Does it bother you, though? The fact that our relationship isn't sexual?" George asked.
"Not at all. Victims always have a long wait before they feel up to it. I knew that going in," Elliot stated. "I knew you wouldn't want sex, and I don't mind. I do mind that it was all because of them, and that if it wasn't for the others, you'd be completely okay, but I'm not mad at you."
"You'd make a good psychiatrist," George noted with a sad, wry smile.
"Me? Nah," Elliot waved him off.
George embraced him tentatively. "Thank you for being so patient with me," George said softly.
Elliot returned the embrace. "No problem. You aren't at the point where you'd enjoy it, and if we do this, you should enjoy it too, you know? I want you to be a willing participant."
Elliot knew, the second he finished speaking, that something was wrong. George froze and tensed, he started breathing heavier and faster- Elliot knew something he'd said had been a very potent trigger.
"George, what is it?" he asked nervously. He hadn't heard everything that had happened yet, so he couldn't piece it together. He felt nervous at the prospect of finding out.
"No- get away!" George yelled shrilly. He pushed against Elliot, scrambling to get as far away as possible. They both stood up. George looked in Elliot's direction, but he didn't see him. His gaze went right past Elliot, only able to see the people who had hurt him. Elliot kept some distance but placed a hand on George's shoulder.
"George, you're safe, calm down," Elliot said quickly. He rubbed George's shoulder gently, trying to bring him out of the flashback.
"I want you to be a willing participant," one of his attackers said. George cried out as the man pushed in and started thrusting roughly. Then his attacker started stroking him, making the rape feel even more degrading. In his mind, he hated them, but they were tricking his body.
Agony, a desperate desire to escape, and humiliation fueled a stream of tears that ran down his face. He wanted to fight them, but that would only make it worse.
His attacker stroked him rougher, and despite his efforts not to, despite the fact that he begged whatever higher power might exist not to make him, despite the pain, the man brought him to a climax. His body betrayed him, and gave his attackers what they wanted.
He felt thoroughly dehumanized- he was nothing more than a toy to these people, nothing more than a source of amusement. And as soon as he stopped amusing them, they'd discard and replace him- The fact that they were trying to convince him that he deserved it, and the brutality of the attacks, indicated that they held malice towards him, however, so maybe they were just trying to make him think that he was just a toy to them. It would provide them with an even larger sense of revenge, if he felt like he was nothing, rather than someone they hated. It didn't matter to him either way, however. Either way, his mind and body were in agony.
It felt like an eternity, but finally, his attacker left, leaving George lying in a heap on the ground. A tremor ran through his battered body almost constantly as he struggled to breathe, staring at the ceiling.
He couldn't believe what had happened. Before then, they had never made him climax; they'd always just satisfied themselves and then left him alone. At worst, they'd made him… aroused, but they'd never actually… he swallowed, trying to calm a wave of nausea that came over him at the thought. They had actually made him climax…
He felt disgusted, but the emotion was dimmed by the other painful sensations, physical and mental. An unbearable pain flared through his entire body. And his mind was screaming louder than his body could; he was dangerously close to the breaking point. He wouldn't be able to hold it together for much longer-
"George," Elliot called softly. George gasped as the flashback ended and he came back to reality. He looked around wildly until he saw Elliot. George barreled into him, wrapping his arms around him as though Elliot was an anchor to the real world, as though afraid that if he let go, he'd find himself being tortured again. Elliot gently ran circles on George's back.
"I can't breathe," George whispered shakily. Elliot moved a hand to George's chest and felt his heart racing. Elliot kept his arms around him, but made sure not to get in his face so George wouldn't feel like he was being suffocated.
"George, what made you want to be a psychiatrist?" Elliot asked to distract him. George just shook his head and breathed even faster. He was almost hyperventilating.
"Relax, George, it's okay," Elliot said softly. "Just try."
George reluctantly gave in. "Well-" he took a gulp of air- "I had a cousin who had bipolar disorder-" another gulp of air- "And I researched it to try and understand. I was interested. Then, in college, I took a class on criminal psychology and decided that's what I wanted to specialize in." George gradually calmed down as he spoke.
"George, what triggered the flashback?" Elliot asked softly when he felt George begin to relax. George broke down again and buried his face in Elliot's chest.
"When you said I… need to be a w-willing participant if we have sex..." His voice was muffled by Elliot's shirt. "The last time he raped me before he let me go, he said that and then he-he…" George's body began shaking with repressed sobs. Elliot stroked his back gently, waiting for George to continue. "Elliot, he m-made me, he made me climax with him! It was so painful and humiliating!" George cried. "I didn't want to, but they made my body respond!"
Elliot closed his eyes at the words. George had told him some of what happened, and Elliot had known that getting George to completely open up would take time. But that didn't change the fact that what George had been through shocked and disturbed him. His George, being hurt like that…
He made himself keep questioning George. He knew he had to keep him talking, even though he didn't want to know what other horrors George had experienced. He could deal with his own emotions later. "What else were you feeling?" he asked as gently as he could manage.
"Just so… I can't even find strong enough words for it. Hopeless, despondent, dehumanized, ashamed…"
"Ashamed? George, you know that you couldn't have stopped your body's response, right?" Elliot asked quickly, for affirmation.
"Of course- I have experience working with SVU, too- but I still felt it. I hated every minute of it but he made my body turn to his side. I know that I couldn't control it, but he convinced me- part of me- that it was my fault and that I deserved it… "
"George, I'm so sorry. None of that should have happened to you," Elliot whispered. George continued sobbing into Elliot's chest.
"I hated it… it felt awful and degrading but he made my body enjoy it- it was so awful." George shuddered heavily and closed his eyes. He made an almost frantic noise. "I'm never going to be ready. I'm not going to be able to do anything without a panic attack, let alone sex. I'm never going to get back to normal," George said desperately.
He sounded defeated, hopeless, broken. Elliot pulled George off his chest and tilted his chin upwards, forcing him to meet Elliot's gaze. George's dark eyes were red and puffy from tears, and Elliot immediately decided that tears didn't suit George at all. They made him look forlorn; a sharp, brutal contrast George himself.
"You will be ready one day. And I'm not going anywhere while you get to that point," Elliot promised.
George swallowed visibly. "But you don't know that I ever will be ready to do it, let alone able to enjoy it, like you say you want to wait for… There are people who never feel up to it again, we've both seen them. And you're a man- a kind one, but a man, and you're going to want more; you're going to want sexual contact eventually- you already do want it, actually…"
"But I won't leave you to find it somewhere else. Even if you never are ready to have sex again, you'll still recover from all the other psychological scars, and I will be here for you while you recover," Elliot assured him.
"Thank you," George whispered, his voice hoarse and slightly cracked. Elliot cupped his cheeks and rested his forehead against George's.
"You will get through this, doc. They don't have you anymore, and I'm determined not to let them keep a hold on you mentally. You shouldn't have to feel this anguished," Elliot said. George didn't respond, but he did look somewhat assuaged. "I love you, George," Elliot whispered.
"I love you too," George replied quietly. Elliot kept his arms around George and walked them to the bed. He pulled George down with him. George laid half on top of him, resting his head on Elliot's chest, while Elliot stroked his hair gently and tried not to feel guilty for having triggered another panic attack.
He knew that with so many triggers, it was only a matter of time before something became too much, and that he had no way of knowing that his words would be so overwhelming. At the same time, however, he couldn't help but wonder if there was a way he could have triggered a less traumatic flashback.
George couldn't help but feel nervous- about the human contact, about the continuing stress from trial, about the possibility of more nightmares and panic attacks. He was worried that it would be too much, and he wasn't sure if there was anything he or Elliot could do to help.
Thoroughly exhausted by the trial and the flashback, George found himself falling asleep quickly, despite his anxiety.
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Darkest Nights