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Time	By : cr8zymommy Category: 1 through F > Criminal Minds Views: 4586 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story

Chapter List
- 28
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It was still dark out when Spencer woke up from his nightmare. There was no screaming, no tossing and turning, just a single jerk back to awareness. His eyes shot open to stare into the semi-darkened room around him. A lamp burned dully in the corner at Morgan’s request. He had hooked it up after the first night and left it on each night since then. When Spencer had looked at him while he turned it on that first time, Morgan had simply said he didn’t want to sleep in total dark. Spencer knew, though, that Morgan remembered how little Spencer liked the dark and that he’d figured it would be worse now. It was—Spencer absolutely hated being in the dark now. But he would have survived. Apparently, he didn’t have to.
Thinking about that gave Spencer the strength to push the nightmare back in his mind. It also helped that Morgan was wrapped around him and Clooney was sprawled out at their feet. Spencer lay there and simply marveled at the sensation of being in Morgan’s arms. His best friend was spooned up behind him, the both of them lying on their sides, their bodies fitted perfectly together. Morgan’s arm was across his side, resting against his stomach. A long ago memory of a conversation with Garcia came to mind and had Spencer smiling slightly. In this situation, according to that old conversation with Garcia, it would appear that Spencer was the ‘little spoon’ and Morgan was the ‘big spoon’.
It felt so good and right to be here. Safe. Comforting. Wonderful. There was no panic at touching someone this way. There was no fear that he was going to be hurt. Spencer truly and honestly felt good lying in the curve of Morgan’s body.
Here, with the dark still outside, in the small light of the lamp, Spencer let go of his shields. He didn’t try to be ok. He didn’t try to fight anything that he was feeling. There was no one to try to please, no one to be afraid of, nothing that he had to do but lie there. That freedom, that comfort, gave him room to think in ways he hadn’t been able to so far.
It also brought to light a few facts he had been avoiding thinking about. Almost all of which revolved around the man that was spooning up behind him.
As more and more of his memories reordered themselves, more of Spencer’s past life became clear. He could look back and think of moments with the team, with his family, that he hadn’t been able to remember in so long. With the capabilities of his memory, it was almost like reliving those moments over again. That left him with a warm feeling inside. But the warm feeling from those memories was nothing in comparison to what he felt when he remembered moments with Morgan.
The more his memory became reorganized—because that’s what it felt like they were doing. Going from a jumbled mess that made no sense to organized—the more that not just the memories became clear, but the emotions.
He could recall movie nights here at Morgan’s house. The two of them sitting on Morgan’s couch with a bucket of popcorn, laughing as they watched a comedy that no one but Morgan would have been able to convince Spencer to watch. And no one but Morgan would have had the patience with Spencer, who didn’t understand some of the innuendos and jokes that were so obvious to most people.
Spencer could remember that it had been a ritual for them. Once a week, the day didn’t matter, they would get together and watch movies one night and eat until they were stuffed. Then they’d pass out at whoevers house they were at, or whatever hotel room they were in. It had been such a ritual that they’d even done it at hotels while on cases.
There had been a bond between them that had been so much more than anything Spencer had ever experienced. He could recall, now, the feelings and emotions that had revolved around their friendship. Spencer had enough of his inner sense of self back in order. He remembered not just the moments, now, but the feelings too.
Morgan had been one of the first people that had really allowed Spencer to be himself. Oh, the others had let him. But Morgan had taken the time to pull him out of his shell and help him not only become comfortable around others, but with himself as well. With Morgan he had felt free to joke. He’d been free to argue without the fear that he would get the crap beat out of him, as so many people in school had done to him.
A smile broke out as one memory floated to the surface. The team had been on a case—he pushed aside the details of the case, not wanting to remember that part of things right now—and they’d been coming to the station from the hotel. Morgan had been picking on him, once again, for the amount of coffee he drank. Finally, Spencer had grown fed up with the older man.
“No, no. I don’t want to hear it.” Spencer snapped out when Morgan opened his mouth again. The younger man had an obstinate look on his face. The others around them were chuckling as Morgan tried to protest. Spencer cut him off quickly. “No! I’m mad at you!”
“You’re mad at me?” Morgan exclaimed. “Why?”
“Yes, I’m mad. I’m not talking to you!”
“What?”
“I’m not talking to you for ten whole seconds. That’s it. No talking.”
Morgan laughed right in his face while holding the door open for them to walk into the conference room they were using. “You’re not talking to me for ten seconds? Are you kidding me? You’re giving me the silent treatment?”
In response, Spencer just held up a finger, then another, then another, counting off the seconds. Around them, the team was laughing, watching Spencer count and Morgan roll his eyes.
It was a good memory. Spencer remembered that, when he’d finished his ten seconds, Morgan had ruffled his hair. The two had shared a smile and then they’d gone back to work. There were tons of little moments like that between them that Spencer had never shared with another human being before. Moments where Spencer had been free to be himself without fear of recrimination.
He remembered how many times Morgan had been there for him. This big, alpha male, the type of person that had terrorized Spencer’s childhood, had ended up being the best friend he’d ever had. A person who understood him in ways no one else did.
When Spencer had hit rock bottom after the whole Tobias incident, it had been Morgan who had been there for him. Morgan who had fought with him when he was growing surlier and surlier with his friends. Morgan who had finally come to his house and demanded that they talk. The memory flashed to the front of Spencer’s mind.
“I swear, Spencer Reid, if you don’t open this damn door right now, I’m kicking it in!” Morgan bellowed from the hallway. The tone to his voice left no doubt that he was telling the truth. He would do it if he felt like he had to. Spencer shuddered and ran a trembling hand over his face. He pulled his other hand up, staring at it as it shook. He didn’t want Morgan here right now. Didn’t want him to see him like this. To see his home like this.
But there was no choice, now. If he didn’t let him in, Morgan would bust his way in. So Spencer moved forward and flipped the lock on the door. That was all he could bring himself to do, though. He couldn’t bring himself to turn the knob and let him in. That was just too much. Instead, he stepped back, his arms coming around his waist to hold on as another shiver ran through him, shaking his small frame. Oh, he needed a fix right now. Just one. Anything, to take away this feeling. Anything to make the craving stop!
His door opened and Morgan strolled in as if he hadn’t been shouting only moments before. His eyes seemed to scan the apartment and Spencer in one swoop. The younger man watched as Morgan turned, shutting the door and locking it. Then he turned back and strode straight over to Spencer. One of his arms came around the trembling man, moving him toward the couch. Only when Spencer was sitting down did Morgan speak.
Instead of asking question, though, Morgan squatted down in front of Spencer and started to speak. “You’ve messed up a lot lately, kid. I don’t know what drugs you’re on but I can make a guess that it’s the shit Tobias gave you while you were with him. You’ve let it control you and slowly ruin your life. Because of it, you’ve pushed all of us as far away as you could. Even Gideon.”
Spencer tried to open his mouth. He tried to say something, anything, but Morgan moved his hands to rest them on Spencer’s knees and just kept talking.
“I’m not going to judge you for finding the escape you did because I can’t ever know what it is you lived through. But I am going to ask you, right here and right now, are you going to let this keep controlling your life? Are you going to let this take you down until there’s nothing and no one left? Or are you willing to fight this and try to come out the other side?”
Another tremble shook Spencer’s body. He held his hands out in front of them, staring at them as they shook. “I told Hotch I’m taking a week off. The personal leave has already been processed.” He whispered. Even his words trembled! “I haven’t had a fix in around twelve hours.” And he wanted one almost as bad as he wanted air to breathe. “I know I’ve messed up. I know I’ve hurt people. I can’t change that. But I’m trying to change this. I’m trying to fix it.”
“That’s all I needed to know, Reid.” Morgan murmured. His hands rose up, taking hold of Spencer’s, holding them tightly. “I’ll call Hotch in the morning and have him process a week of personal days for me, too.”
“What?”
“You think you’re going to go through this alone, pretty boy?” A corner of Morgan’s mouth quirked. His eyes, though, were full of comfort and pride. “I’ll be here every step of the way. You’re not alone anymore, Reid. I’m not going anywhere.”
And he hadn’t. Morgan had stayed there all through the detox. Even when Spencer had been so sick he hadn’t even been able to pick himself up off the bathroom floor, Morgan had stayed. He’d even stayed when Spencer had grown angry at his help, screaming and throwing things, demanding that Morgan get the hell out. Telling him he hated him. Still, Morgan stuck with him.
Without him, Spencer knew there was a good chance he would have broken during that week. That he most likely would’ve gone out and gotten high and slid back down that slippery slope. But he had made it. He’d made it and been stronger for it. All with the help of one person that had started as just a co-worker, grew into a friend, then a best friend, and then the start of something more.
It was that something more that was in Spencer’s mind this morning. It was what kept coming back into his mind. He and Morgan had been so close to admitting feelings to one another. Spencer had known in his heart what he’d felt. He had realized that friendship had slowly morphed into love. Though it had taken him a while to admit it to himself, he had. And he had seen the signs of it in Morgan too. There were issues that Morgan had that Spencer knew would make it hard for the older man to admit to their feelings, but he’d been confident that they could work through it. They would work through it. Then, everything had been taken from them.
The feelings were still there, though. They’d never gone away. Only been buried. But those feelings had stuck with him the longest. Even as he’d locked the others away, as he slowly forgot everything, the memories of Morgan had lasted the longest. Once the memories had been gone, the feelings had still been there. Late at night, while he was bleeding on that cold floor, he had whispered Morgan’s name over and over, even when he no longer remembered the face to go with the name.
Those feelings filled the most broken parts of him, warming the parts that had been cold for so long, putting back together some of the pieces that had been broken. Here, in this bed, with Morgan totally wrapped around him, Spencer thought to himself for the first time since he’d come home that he might actually be able to heal from this.
Not on his own, no. This wasn’t something he would be able to do on his own. But maybe life didn’t have to be solely about existing. Maybe it didn’t have to be about just making it through the next second, the next minute, hour, day, week. Maybe he could actually look into the future and find something more waiting for him there than death. Than pain.
Would things be easy? No. Would there be days he might want to give up? Most definitely. But could he continue to shut away the good just because of the fear of pain? Look at what you’ve survived so far! His brain told him. Look at what you’ve been through. You have gone to hell and yet you’re coming out on the other side. You’ve survived things that no one should ever have to go through. Yet you’re still here! Yes, you’re terrified. Yes, you’re scarred by this, inside and out. No, it will not be an easy healing process. But you’re still here!
That was what it boiled down to. Scared or not, he was still here and he was still alive. In that moment, Spencer remembered Morgan’s words from that day in his apartment. “I’m not going to judge you for finding the escape you did because I can’t ever know what it is you lived through. But I am going to ask you, right here and right now, are you going to let this keep controlling your life? Are you going to let this take you down until there’s nothing and no one left? Or are you willing to fight this and try to come out the other side?”
It was as true now as it was then. So, what was he going to do? Was he going to let this control him? Was he going to let it take him down and break him? Pretty stupid, to survive what he had survived and then end up being destroyed by his own mind. Or was he going to fight this and try to come out the other side?
The arm around his waist tightened slightly and pulled him just a little closer. He heard Morgan’s voice murmur something unintelligible in his ear before the older man drifted once more. In that second, Spencer knew he had his answer.
He was not going to lie down and die. He was not going to let Vincent control his life or destroy him anymore. He was going to fight. Not only for himself, but for the man here by his side. Not just for his life, but for the one they could have together.
Spencer shifted in the dark and moved his hand to cover Morgan’s, relishing in the contact. When Morgan’s fingers moved, lacing together with his, Spencer felt his lips curve even as silent tears slid from his eyes. The road ahead was still long and it was going to be rough, but he knew in that moment that so long as he had Morgan in his life, he could make it out the other side of this nightmare once and for all.
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