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Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2608 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Tha Birds, an' Tha Bees, an' All That Othah Good Shit
Month 3: Cravins--Two Different Kinds

"I have a favor to ask."

I eyed Unc. "Favah as in 'I owe ya one'?"

He scowled. "I suppose so."

"I'm listinin." Hey, havin tha God of War owe me?
You damn betcha!

"First, are you feeling all right? Nausea hasn't come
back, has it?"

"Nah, I'm fine." I grinned. "Specially tha
digestion."

"Good. I just wanted to be sure that you were all
right before I asked."

I watched him. "Ya got somethin strenuous for me ta
do? Is it that border war ya started last week? Ya
need someone ta take care of tha fringe elements?"

"No, it's not that, and it shouldn't be physically
stressful, especially with Cupid here to help you."

"It's gonna take botha us? What is it?"

"I just want you to watch Accord for me."

"Ya, sure. What time dya want me ta come ovah?"

"I don't. I'll be bringing him here."

That surprised me, but then again, Accord was almost
four months old now. I s'pose they hadta start takin
him out sometimes. "Okay." I wiggled my eyebrows at
him. "So, ya figgerin on takin Joxie out ta paint tha
town?"

"No. I'm figureing on staying at home with him."

"Aha! Ya want a little quality time with yer sweetie,
huh? I can understand that."

"Understand this--I want a lot of quality time with
him. You're keeping Accord overnight."

My jaw dropped. "Ovahnight? Entirely ovahnight? Ya
mean like sunset ta sunrise?

"More like sunset to high noon. I intend to fuck
Joxer so hard and long and so many times that neither
one of us is going to be able to be easily upright
before then."

"Unc!" Eh, so it was pretend shock. I couldn't let
that pass, could I?

"I don't want to dim the future for you, Strife, but
you might as well know right now--if you have a new
baby in the house it can sometimes play havoc with
your sex life. I love Accord with all my heart, but
sometimes he makes loving Joxer physically, whom I also
love with all my heart, a little difficult." He
sighed. "That child could very well be the God of
Mistiming. He hasn't quite learned the art of
sleeping through the night. His feedings are getting
a little farther apart, but I haven't had an
uninterrupted blowjob for weeks, and fucking is
entirely out of the question. The one time we tried,
Accord got a colic bubble just as I was about to slam
it home." He leaned toward me an' said
confidentially, "You know, they don't actually turn
blue, but it sure feels like it."

"Say no more. I know Cupe won't mind, an' Bliss
will... Well, he'll be blissed."

"Cupid won't mind what?" My big, beautiful blonde
strolled inta tha room, wearin Bliss around one leg.
He barely limped.

"Watchin yer brothah ovahnight."

"Cord?" Bliss squealed. He let go of Cupe so that he
could dance around tha room. I made a note ta speak
ta Terpsechor about givin him lessons, if he was
interested. Dancin was bound ta be an asset ta tha
God of Happiness an' Joy.

"Yes, baby, Accord. Sure, Pops, bring him on." He
gently disengaged Bliss, saying, "There's ink and
parchment and a new quill in your room. Why don't you
go make a picture?"

"Yeah!" He hurried ovah an' hugged Ares an' me. "I
draw a picture of 'pollo's temple, 'kay?"

"Um, sure, kid, if that's what ya want." Tha horses I
coulda understood, but whatevah he wanted was fine.

He ran off. As soon as he was gone Cupid shook a
finger at Ares, smilin, and said, "If you're planning
what I think you're planning, you'd better take some
precautions unless you want Joxer to give Accord a baby
brother or sister right away."

Ares shuffled. "Actually, for what I have planned,
I'd better take precautions for both of us."

Cupid blinked. "More than I needed to know, Dad."

I elbowed him. "C'mon, Cupe. I think it's cute. I
mean, ya ain't prejudice 'bout who's on first when we
get tagethah."

"I know, but it's just a little startling, thinking
about Dad... Strife, doesn't the idea of your Mom
having sex give you just the least little... uh...
squiggle?"

"Cupe, my Mom is Dischord, 'kay? Mayhem an' chaos is
her stock in trade, an' sex pro'lly isn't too much
different. Have ya seen tha way Auto walks sometimes?
I've gotten useta squiggles when I think 'bout
parental indulgence."

"Much as I enjoy the idea of family therapy..." Ares
started.

"If yer buckin ta add God of Sarcasm ta yer
roster,
Unc, I gotta warn ya that I have it sewed up."

"I'll be right back with Accord--if I can pry him out
of Joxer's arms."

Cupe frowned. "Pops, if he isn't ready..."

"He's ready. He's already agreed. I'm just
anticipating a little first time seperation anxiety.
If all else fails I'll have to resort to the secret
weapon."

"Ya mean...?"

"Yes." He materialized a peacock feather.
"Tickling."

FLASH!

I looked at Cupid. "Damn, he's serious about this."

"Let's go see what Bliss is up to. I have a sneaking
suspicion that a good bit of that ink is going to end
up on Bliss instead of the paper."

"You g'wan. I'll be right there." I watched him
leave, then reached undah tha mattress. I came up
with a handful of crumbs. "Crap. Ya'd think that
fruitcake would hold up bett'rn that." That tore it.
I decided that from now on, if someone had a fruitcake
durin a seige they'd have a hard time decidin between
eatin it an' usin it in tha catapults ta crack enemy
skulls.

I ate it anyway. I'd been goin nuts, thinkin about
that slab undah Unc's butt. Well, technically undah
tha mattress undah his butt, but as bad as I wanted
that cake, it wouldn'ta made much difference. Unc had
showed up unexpectedly (well, duh. Was there any
othah way?), an' I didn't have enough ta share, so I
had ta hide it, quick. Then Unc sat on it.

I hadda wait till Cupe was outta tha room because he'd
been gettin downright unreasonable about my diet
lately. I love him, but I was about ta scream from all
tha healthy crap. I'd already put a curse on
spinach--every kid from now on is gonna hate it.

I was lickin tha last of tha crumbs offa my fingahs
when Cupid came back in. "I was right--he looked like
one of those savages from that land Ceasar conquered
awhile back--Britain, is it? His face was half blue."
He eyed me suspiciously. "Why do you look so
guilty?"

"Do I need a particulah reason, with all tha crap I
pull in my line of work?"

"Mm." He came over an' gave me a big, deep kiss.
"Ah-ha! Citron."

"You sneak!" I yelled. "No fair kissin just ta bust
me. Besides, it was fruitcake, okay? Yer always
aftah me ta eat fruit."

"Not when it's held together by a pound each of sugar
and butter, and..." He grabbed me an' did tha kiss
thing again. I was breathless when he lifted his
head, but he kinda spoiled tha moment by sayin, "and
spirits!"

"Aw, geez, don't start! I gave up wine, didn't I?"

"You can have a little ale."

"Bleh!"

He blinked. "Excuse me, did you just say 'bleh' to
ale?"

"Yah. Nasty stuff."

He felt my forehead. "Sweetheart, are you sure you
feel all right?"

"I'm fine, except for this freakin diet. You have
turned inta such a Nazi about it."

"Nazi?"

"Ya won't udahstand for a coupla thousand years, but
trust me--it fits."

"Well, I had to do something. Honestly, your food
choices had gotten so bizarre."

"Whattaya mean?"

"There was the banana phase."

"Bananas are good for yah."

"Not for every meal and in-between meal snacks for
three days, they're not."

"That wasn't all I ate."

"That's right--you did slice them and pour milk over
them once. Then there was the fish. What was up with
that?"

"Anothah healthy choice."

"Sure--when they're cooked."

"I learned it from wunna those Niponese spirit foxes.
He was consultin me in a professional capacity."

"If I knew he was inciting you to eat raw fish I
would have tied his bushy tail in a knot. Bliss tried
to swallow one of the goldfish out of Joxer's pond
after he saw that. What about the snails?"

"Got tha recipe from wunna Unc's mercenaries from
Gual, an' I cooked 'em."

"I don't care. If it squishes when you step on it, it
shouldn't be considered protien."

I crossed my arms, tuckin my chin. "I can't help it.

"

Cupid sat next to me an' hugged me. "I know, babe.
It's the pregnanacy. Dad had to keep a full pickle
barrel in the temple while Joxer was carrying. He
also developed an addiction to deep-fried pig skin.
Boy, did it smell strong around there."

I perked up. "Deep-fried pig skins? They'd get real
crunchy, wouldn't they?"

"No, Strife."

I put tha whine in my voice. "Hon-eyyy..."

"One batch. I'll have Dad ask Joxer to whip some up
for you when he can walk straight again."

Ares appeared with Accord cradled in his arms an' two
bulgin bags at his feet. I went ta him an' took tha
baby, glancin down. "I thought ya were stayin home,
so why are ya packed?"

"What packed? This is what Joxer figures you'll need
to take care of Accord for about fourteen hours." He
started tickingoff on his fingahs. "Diapers, shirts,
blankets, salve, powder, nursing flasks, special
formula, teething ring..."

Cupid looked surprised. "He isn't teething yet, is
he?"

"Not yet, but Joxer believes in being prepared.
Scrolls in case he wants to be read to, a rattle in
case he needs to be amused, booties in case his feet
get cold, miniature portraits of Joxer and I incase he
gets lonely for us... a-n-d aproximately sixty or so
other things I couldn't identify. Look, I have to go,
or Joxer is going to start without me."

Flash!

I chucked Accord undah tha chin an' cooed, "Yer Daddy's
gonna get some, kiddo--both of 'em."

"Strife..."

"Hey, it's important for a kid ta know that his
parents have a lovin relationship. Isn't it, boogah?"
I made a face at tha baby. He smiled. "Cupe, look!
He likes me!"

Cupid sat by me an' put his chin on my shouldah,
watchin tha baby. "Of course he does. He's no
fool--he knows 'lovable' when he sees it."

"He does?" I looked at Accord. "Don't worry,
sweetcheeks. Hephastus does these things called
'spectacles' that should help."

FLASH!

Ares, very naked an' pretty damn ticked off, was
standin there. "Uh, Unc, didya forget somethin?"

"Yes, I did." He dropped Mjau on tha bed, an' rubbed
his ass. "I forgot that Joxer's cat can't resist a
moving target."

FLASH!

"Oh, shit! Take tha baby, take tha baby!" I handed
Accord off ta Cupid an' spent tha next coupla minutes
rollin on tha floor, bein hysterical.

"Strife, that isn't funny!"

"Yah, it is, trust me! Tha balls--maybe that woulda
deserved just a wince, but tha butt? Laugh-city!"

Cupid rolled his eyes, but I could see that he was
fightin a smile. "Come on, Accord." He stood up,
cradlin Accord in one arm, an' scooped Mjau up with
the other. "We'll take Mjau in to see
Bliss while your Uncle Strife gets himself under
control."

I called aftah him, "But I'm no fun when I'm
controled." As soon as he disappeahed I materialized
a big chunk of mint flavahed rock candy an' started
slurpin it. It was good, but it wasn't quite what I
wanted, so I set it aside an' tried some herbed goat
cheese. That wasn't right, eithah, so I tried some
almond-stuffed candied figs, an' that wasn't quite
right, so I thought about those pickles Joxer had
liked, an' then I tried smearin that goat cheese on
tha pickle, then rollin it in that crushed rock
candy.

"Strife, what are you eating?"

"Nuffin."

"'Nuffin'?'" Cupid, Accord cradled in one arm, strode
ovah ta me, grabbed my jaw an' squeezed. My mouth
popped open. Cupid leaned back real quick. "Zeus!! What are you trying to do to
yourself?"

"It sounded like a good idea at tha time."

"Baby..."

"Look, Cupe I know it's bad for me, but I can't help
it! Ya been lettin me have nothin but heathy stuff
for, like, two months now. I'm goin crazy. I gotta
have some junk food. I mean, I half lived on it mosta
my life, I can't just stop."

"But this uncontroled scarfing can't continue. Even
if you weren't pregnant, I'd be worried."

"If I could just find tha one thing that would satisfy
me, an' I could have a little every day, I could
handle it."

"You think that there's one thing that will satisfy
you?"

"I think so. Every time I try somethin I think 'That
ain't it.'"

"We'll ask around. One of the gods or goddesses is
bound to be able to help us figure this out."

"Ya think? I haven't exactly noticed a trend toward
infallability around Olympus, no mattah what tha
mortals think." I crawled up ta sit nexta Cupid.
"So, where's tha Spawn of War an' Peace gonna sleep
tanight?"

"I'll zap him up a nice little cradle next to the
bed."

I smiled. "Ya do realize that if ya do that, yer
gonna hafta let Bliss sleep with us, like he's been
askin?"

He frowned a little. "I don't see why."

"Hello? We don't have a God or Goddess of Jealousy
yet, but if we did, that situation would generate a
lot of energy for 'em."

He sighed. "I guess you're right. I suppose he can
sleep with us tonight. That means..."

I made a kissy face at him. "That means nunna that.
Now dya undahstand why yer Dad wanted us ta babysit?"

[[Don't ask me how I know this happened, 'kay? Just
be glad I managed ta get it for ya, ya perverts.
Zeus, I love yer dirty minds...]]

FLASH!

"Honey, we forgot to send Accord's stuffed Pegasus with
him. Maybe you could flash on over and OOF!"

Ares had landed on top of Joxer. "No, I will not make
another trip over there. Bliss has several tons of
toys he can share, and Accord can't even hold the
Pegasus yet."

"But he likes to look at it."

Ares straddled Joxer, who was also naked. He made
sure their cocks were lined up, then started humping.
"If you still want me to do it in five minutes, I
will."

Joxer sighed, beginning to undulate. "Ooo, you don't
play fair."

"Not about this. I'm starting to feel like one of
Rome's fucking Vestal Virgins."

Joxer bit him lightly on the shoulder. "The whole
point about Vestal Virgins are that they are
non-fucking, and you, thank Zeus, in no way resemble a
virgin. Can I have a beard massage?"

"Perfect start." Ares gave Joxer's neck a quick,
sucking kiss, then rubbed his face against it. He
moved down to his shoulder, then to his chest,
stroking him with his beard. Joxer squirmed and
moaned as he brushed it across his nipples. When they
had risen to stiff peaks he spent a few moments
licking and nibbleing the little buds, then continued
down.

Joxer giggled as the hair tickled down his abdomen,
especially when his lover paused to dart his tongue
into his navel. That got such a good reaction that
Ares held his hips down and tongue fucked the little
dimple till Joxer was helplessly laughing and tugging
at his hair. He didn't stop till he felt a warm, damp
nudge under his chin, announcing his husband's
thorough arousal.

Ares moved over fractionally and nipped at Joxer's
twitching abdomen. Joxer was trying to push his head
down, and Ares said, "Babe, don't be in such a hurry."

"I just thought you might not want to... there..."

Ares looked up the length of Joxer's slender body.
"Baby, are you still worried about that? I told
you--you got your figure back." He stroked the smooth
skin of Joxer's belly. "And you don't have stretch
marks. That salve Dite gave you worked wonders, and
I sure as hell enjoyed rubbing it into your skin every
day. We'll have to make sure that Cupid and Strife
get some of that. Anyway, you aren't as sexy as you
were before you had Accord."

"I'm not?" Joxer's voice was tiny.

"No." Ares grinned. "You're sexier."

"You!" Joxer slapped at him, but he was grinning, and
Ares ducked.

"I can't help it. Strife and I are related, you know.
Now, where were we? Oh, I remember now. Your dick
was bumping me under the chin." Ares scrubbed his way
down, then stroked up and down the length of Joxer's
rigid prick with his beared cheek.

The giggles were mingled with gasps now. "Ares,
please..."

Ares gripped Joxer's cock, let his moustache tickle
the slick head for a moment, then took it between his
lips and flicked his tongue over it. Joxer groaned
and pushed forward. Ares didn't hold him this time,
but let Joxer begin to slowly and gently fuck his
mouth. Ares relished the taste and feel of his lover
for a moment, then pulled off. When Joxer whined in
complaint, he said, "Hold on, just a second, darlin'."

He moved up till he was straddling Joxer's chest, then
took his hand and pulled it around behind him. Joxer
felt his fingers guided up into the narrow crease of
Ares's ass, and he felt slickness. "Open me up," Ares
whispered. "I want you inside me the first time we
make love tonight."

Joxer murmured his approval, and slowly sank one
finger deep into his lover's anus. Ares bit his lip.
He wasn't the passive partner as often as Joxer, and
sometimes it took him a little while to relax enough,
but he loved it. Joxer, despite his complaint a moment
ago, was gentle and patient. While he worked a second
finger into Ares's tight back passage, he leaned
forward and kissed and licked his lover's weeping
cock. Ares moaned happily as Joxer swept his tongue
into the tiny slit, gathering the clear pre-come that
oozed from it.

When Joxer found and stroked his prostate, Ares
quickly gripped his own cock at the base, closing his
eyes and gritting his teeth in concentration. "Love?"
whispered Joxer.

"Not yet. I want you inside me when I come."

"Then let's not wait any more."

Ares moved off him and got on his hands and knees,
spreading his legs wide. "Fuck me, Joxer," he said
hoarsely. "I need you so bad."

Joxer moved up to kneel behind him. "Need you, too,
'Res." He spread Ares's taut butt-cheeks, bent, and
kissed the slightly loosened pucker. Ares whimpered
as he felt his lover's tongue slide into him. Then
Joxer straightened, pressed his glans to the slick
opening, and slowly slid into the the tight, welcoming
flesh.

Ares shuddered, and Joxer rubbed his back, whispering,
"Okay, 'Res?"

"So good, lover."

Joxer held his hips and began to fuck him with long,
slow strokes. "No one like you, 'Res. No one in the
world or on Olympus like you."

Ares thrust back to meet his strokes, relishing the
fullness and heat of Joxer's cock plunging into him.
As he had many times before, he assured his lover,
"Only you, Jox. No one else but you has ever had me
like this, no one else ever will." Before they came
together, Ares had taken many lovers, both male and
female, but he had never allowed another man to mount
him--he had never respected and trusted one enough to
offer that final intimacy. It had been awhile before
he had felt comfortable enough with his love for Joxer
to take that step, but when he had, he hadn't
regretted it.

Joxer released his grip on one of Ares's hips and
reached under their moving bodies to find and grip his
lover's lust swollen cock. He began to stroke him--a
little roughly, like Ares preferred. With his other
hand he pressed down on Ares shoulders so that he
dropped to his elbows. As he had anticipated, this
tilted his lover's pelvis so that Joxer's cock scored
a direct stroke across his prostate with every thrust.

Ares cried out, eyes squeezing shut, and began to buck
back against Joxer frantically. Joxer increased the
speed and strength of his strokes till he was smacking
fiercely against Ares's butt, stabbing into him
deeply. Ares's voice rose in a yell as strong as any
he'd ever uttered going into battle, and he came,
pouring his seed over Joxer's quick moving hand.

Joxer suddenly jerked out of the tight clasp of Ares's
body and sprayed his own come across the quivering,
pinkened flesh of Ares's ass. They both collapsed,
winding into a panting, sweat slick, come sticky
tangle of flesh. When he could speak clearly again,
Ares said, voice joking, "Why did you pull out? You know I love feeling your come inside me."

"Because," Joxer gestured at two goblets sitting on
their night stand. "we got so preoccupied that
neither one of drank the potion to prevent
conception." He reached behind his husband, playfully
dipping one finger into his still relaxed asshole.
"And a year at a time of changing dirty diapers is all
I want, thank you very much."

"Huh."

"One of us has to be practical."

"Mm. Well, let's drink it. We'll have a few minutes
of napping, then I'll practically fuck you through the
mattress. How does that sound?"

Joxer kissed him and grinned. "Sounds like a plan to
me, and I guess Acord can do without the Pegasus for
one night."

Bliss bounced inta tha room, carryin a parchment. "I
done." He climbed up on tha bed with me, Cupe, an'
Accord. Mjau trotted aftah him, then found a chunk of
that goat cheese I'd dropped earliah. I blinked up a
big littahbox for him on tha far side of tha room. He
was gonna need it latah.

"Lemme see tha mastahpiece." He handed it ta me. I
was expectin tha usual kid drawin of a temple. You
know--a rectangle with a triangle on top, a square for
a door, an' sticks in front for columns. Instead it
looked like a big rectangle with lots of lines an'
squares in it. "What's this, kiddo?"

"That's 'pollo's temple. See?" He started ta point.
"That's the front door, an' that's the back door.
Here's the alter, an' here's where the priests sleep,
an' here's the treasure room, an' here's that funny
hidey-hall that goes from there to outside, an'..."

"Hold it." I looked closer. "Hidey-hall?" I showed
it to Cupe. "Cuz, tell me that's not a floor plan,
an' that's not a secret passage."

Cupid looked close, then said, "Sweetie, this is kind
of an unusual picture. What made you decide to draw
it?"

"Auto ast me."

Cupe an' me exchanged looks. "He did, huh?"

"Yeah. I told 'im 'bout how I found the hidey-hall
the last time I was playin' hide an' seek from
'pollo's priests."

Cupe looked at me. "Don't blame me. I just told tha
kid ta amuse himself if he got bored while Shine Boy
was watchin him." I grinned at Bliss. "Tell ya what,
Sweetpea. Next time ya see Auntie Eris, ya give this
ta her an' tell her just what ya told us."

"Will she give it to Auto?"

"Oh, she'll give it to Auto, all right."

FLASH!

"Hello, dear."

"Granma!" Bliss scrambled down an' went ta tug at
Dite's scanty toga. "Come see! Cord is spendin the
night."

She came ovah. "I know, dear. I was just over
to his daddies' temple to visit the baby and he wasn't
there. Ares told me where to go." She arched an
eyebrow. "Very colorfully, I might add. There he
is!" She bent over ta kiss tha baby's head, cooing ta
him.

"I'm glad you're here, Mom. We need to ask your
advice."

She sat down, a chair materializin undah her butt
before she could fall. "Ask away, dear."

"It's Strife's diet, or rather lack of a diet. He's
been gorging on the strangest things."

"I don't wanna hurt Lump..."

"Lump?" she asked.

Bliss patted my tummy. "Lump."

"Ah, yes. Of course."

"Anyway," I continued. "I can't help it. It's like I
gotta have somethin, but I don't know what it is, an'
I can't have any peace till I find it. If I could
just figure out what it was an' get a little of it
when I needed it, I could handle tha othah *shudder*
healthy shit."

She studied me. "Mmm. Well, since you asked me, I
may be able to help. I do know of one particular food
that is the most soothing, uplifting, satisfying thing
I can think of. It's my own invention, and I haven't
revealed it to the world yet."

"Why not?" I asked, curious.

"Because this is powerful stuff, Strife. If it fell
into the wrong hands..." She shook her head. "It can
bring people together, or tear them apart. The first
by the gifting and accepting, the second by... Well,
let's just say that there are going to be people who
will not take kindly to being deprived of it by anyone
else."

Cupid looked worried. "Are you sure we should try
this?"

"It's harmless, darling, and I think it will do Strife
a lot of good, so I'm going to go ahead and supply
him. Strife, I'm only going to give you a limited
supply of this each day--when you eat it, that's it."

"Okay, I can do that. As long as I have some of
somethin that will satisfy these cravins at least for
a little while."

"All right." A box, wrapped in gold paper, appeared
on her lap, an' she handed it ta me.

I opened tha box. There were a lotta little dark
brown lumps nestled in little parchment cups. At
first they looked like somethin that woulda been dug
out of Mjau's box. Well, not aftah tha goat cheese,
but ya know what I mean. I sniffed it suspiciously.
They smelled good, anyway. "What are these?"

"Truffles."

I wrinkled my nose. "Ya mean those fungus things pigs
dig up?"

"No, dear. I just call them truffles because they
look a little like those others. Try one."

I gingahly picked one up an' took a nibble. My eyes
got as big as plates. Tha most incredible taste
spread through my mouth--sweet an' rich. I took a
bite, then anothah. I think my eyes rolled up in my
head. I heard Cupe say, "Mom! What are those
things?"

"They're made out of chocolate. They trigger feelings
that are a great deal like joy and love."

"And sex. He gets that expression on his face when he
has an orgasm. Strife?"

"Open yer mouth."

"Strife, I..."

"Open yer mouth, Feathahs." He did. I popped one in
his mouth. "Chew." He did. I saw tha look spread
ovah his face. "If yer real, real nice ta me, I'll
share it with ya sometimes." I picked up anothah one
an' started ta eat it--slowly. "Thanks, 'Dite. Ya
saved my sanity, if not my life. Would ya like a
partner when ya get ready ta release these? I got
some suggestions--nuts, cherries..."
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Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit