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Watching You	By : Crystalwren Category: G through L > Horatio Hornblower Views: 1560 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Horatio Hornblower, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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'Hornblower' was created by C.S. Forester and licensed by A&E.

WATCHING YOU III: HORATIO

I did it for you, Archie.

Please do not look at me like that. I did it to preserve our friendship. Your honour. Your life. I really did not have a choice. It was my duty. Of all people, you should know that.

Please don�t weep. It is unmanly, and you have been unmanned enough. I can understand how this is shocking for you. I can understand why you are upset and surprised. But you must calm down, so that we can decide what to do now. Because we must do something. We have no choice.

Do you remember when you first came to me, so shocked and angry that your hands shook and you nearly cried? How you told me what you thought he had planned, of how his mask of civilisation had slipped to reveal the depraved monster underneath. We fought viciously, so viciously that I struck you; I was unable to believe it. The man was my hero. I felt for sure you were lying, because I simply could not accept the alternative. It was unthinkable. Afterwards, you barely spoke or ate for days. You slunk around the ship, the Indefatigable, like you had heard that Simpson himself had been told that you were unhappy and was returning from the dead just so he could cheer you up. And although we later made up and I forgave you and you forgave me, you were still depressed. And then suddenly, your depression lifted. Your eyes returned to the clear blue that I know so well, there was a lightness in your step and you seemed almost happy. Almost. But I knew you well enough to see a brittleness in your manner, something cold and dying in your heart, and slowly I began to suspect that all was not well as you had told me. When I asked what ailed you, you had respect enough for me not to lie. Instead you asked me, so humbly, not to press further, not to try to find out. I am sorry, Archie, that I could not obey. But I knew that whatever was still troubling you was so terrible, so unspeakable, that for friendships' sake I could not leave well enough alone. So I followed you. In a way that was totally foreign to my nature I slipped around the ship after you, dogging your footsteps and ducking into the shadows whenever you turned round in suspicion. You knew I was watching you. You are by nature much less trusting than I, and you knew better than to assume that I would be obedient to your wishes. It took time, but finally, you grew careless. You forgot, just for a moment, to be watchful and vigilant for my presence and I saw you. I saw you come out of the cabin, his cabin, an emblem of his authority over this ship and her men, smelling of sex and sin and depravity. I saw you take a step out from the door and turn back and smile, leaning in to accept a brief, catamite-like kiss on the lips. I saw the way he forced his tongue into your mouth, how you pretended to enjoy it. Because you did pretend Archie. I know you did. You pretended to enjoy his vile lusts, to participate in his vile pleasures because you wanted to protect me. I am eternally grateful that you have done so, and now- now I am repaying you.

Afterwards, with the image of the spectacle I had witnessed burning behind my eyelids like it was engraved there in lines of fire, I stumbled back to the small cabin that we both shared with the others of our rank. I lay upon my hammock, the motion disturbing my already unsettled stomach. I wondered how you could do it, debase yourself for him like that. I wondered what it felt like.

I wondered if it hurt.

I didn�t have to lay there alone for long, because I soon heard your step. You came in whistling, smiling, as if you had been on some pleasant errand. But this time, I knew better. The smell of sea salt that always clung to you, clung to us all, couldn�t quite cover the scent of the rut. You saw me and said something, some meaningless greeting, I do not know. I do not remember. But I do remember getting up and moving so swiftly to your side that there was no way you could have possibly avoided me. I reached out and tore your jacket from your shoulders, and while you struggled with me, your shirt as well. And there, written on the parchment of your skin, was all the proof that was needed to damn him.

To damn you.

To damn me.

To damn us all.

Passion marks, little purple bruises that are the results of violent kissing and biting during love play covered your fair-skinned shoulders. And there, at your wrists, the faint marks of rope-burn winding round and around. I am not so naive as you think me to be, Archie. I knew what the rope marks meant. He tied you down. He tied you down and raped you. And you let him. Damn you. Damn you! In my anger and horror I struck you. Once, twice, across one cheek and then the other. You, who are a strong, proud man, fell weeping to the ground and begged for my forgiveness. You begged. That was the worst part, I think. You�ve been broken once before, but it took beatings and starvation and despair. But this time, all it took was a brace of blows that would have barely made a real man flinch, and my anger. And your shame.

You have earned the right to be ashamed, Archie. You should be ashamed of what you and he did. Because it is wrong, Archie. It is against God�s Law and it is against the Articles of War in His Majesty�s Navy. But the fact that it was rape, that your pure love for me convinced you that it was right to replace me in his vile lusts, excuses it somewhat. Not all- you did go to him in some semblance of willingness. But enough to save your soul.

I don�t know about the condition of his soul, though. God will judge him, certainly. So why did I do it if I believe so firmly in God�s higher power? In any higher power? It is so painfully simple, Archie. Captain Pellew is a highly respected and successful officer. In these times of war, the honour and self-respect of a single young Midshipman, prone to fits and with his spirit broken once is barely worth the career of a captain such as he. He is a proven warrior; in the basest terms possible, you are expendable. Not he. I know that other men tend to regard me as an innocent in many ways of the world, but I am not so innocent as that. I know enough about the ways of others to know that in their eyes, you are next to worthless. At best, if I had protested on your behalf, this horrible thing would have continued. At worst, you and I would have been disgraced, our careers over, banished from the service with our reputations in tatters.

After my watch was finished I slipped down to the Captain�s cabin and rapped softly on the door. He himself opened it, smiling because he thought it was you and not I who had come knocking. He was not wearing his coat, and his shirt was open all the way to where it tucked was into his breeches. When he saw me, his smile abruptly vanished and Pellew the man became Captain Pellew of His Majesty�s ship the Indefatigable. He glared. He knew why I was there. He gritted his teeth and very courteously invited me into the warm candle-lit interior of his private domain. There was port set out on the table, with two glasses. Was the extra glass for you, Archie? The Captain did not hold on formalities. He knew that I knew, and he told me, in sharp, concise words, that what was between you and he was not my business. He told me to go back to my cabin, forget what I had witnessed. Mention it to no one. He wasn�t going to listen to me, Archie. He had no intention of hearing my pleas on your behalf. He wasn�t going to leave you alone. He wasn�t about to give you back your freedom, or your honour.

So I killed him.

I took out a knife and stabbed him. He didn�t seem to be expecting it. Certainly, the statement on his face seemed to indicate that he was surprised about something. The nerve of the man! Surely he was expecting some kind of punishment for his crimes, surely he had some sort of remorse? Or perhaps he didn�t expect retribution to come from my hands. For whatever reason, he died very easily. When he told me to leave I whipped out the long knife from the sheath tucked into the back of my breeches and slipped it between his ribs, neat as you please. He did not suffer. That is a pity, because he certainly did deserve to suffer for his crimes. However, I had neither the time nor the opportunity to indulge my outrage. If he had cried out, we would be dead now for sure.

I am sorry, Archie. I know that this must come as a shock to you. When you walked into the cabin of the former Captain Pellew for your latest assignation, I know that the last thing you expected was to see your rapist- not lover, Archie, he was never your lover- lying dead on the floor, blood on his chest and on the knife that I still held in my hands. But you are free now. We are both free. But if we want to keep our freedom we must act fast to cover this deed. If we are caught we�ll both swing for sure. You don�t want to die, do you Archie? I don�t think you do. You gave up on life once before, I refuse to accept that you would do it again. Take a candle from the candelabra and light it. I will pick up Captain Pellew and lay him in his berth, like this. Are you not glad that you don�t have to join him in that bed any more? Here. Cover him with this sheet and blanket. Like so. Yes. And now, give me that candle. I�ll use it to set fire to the bedclothes covering him, and if the fire is hot enough it will burn away the evidence of the stab wound. It will look like an accident. Ah! Do you see how easily he burns? Surely a reflection of Satan�s fires that consume him now in hell.

We have to go now, Archie. It will only take a minute or two until the smoke is noticed. We don�t want to be caught. I�ve taken the precaution of loading some bread and water into one of the jolly boats, in case the fire spreads to the rest of the ship. If we move towards it now, we can surely launch it and escape in the confusion. We can sail towards England, just you and I.

Just you and I.

Wouldn�t that be nice?

END
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