The Hercules Picture Show

As the servants escorted the two heroes to their rooms, Frank decided to pay attention to two other "guests" who had arrived earlier. They were in a subterranean level; easily reached by a device he called an "elevator". They were chained to the wall with ball gags in their mouths. They were none other than Autolycus; the King of Thieves and Joxer the Mighty.
"Well, well, well." Frank said as he admired his prisoners. "It appears my plans will work out easier than I thought!" He removed the ball gags. "You see, the great Hercules has recently fallen right into my lap! Er, metaphorically, of course. For now."
"You won't get away with this!" said Joxer.
"Mmm...so clichéd, darling." Frank said, stroking his face. "I wasn't expecting him to bring that little catamite of his, though. Not that I'm complaining. I do have a certain fondness for blonds. However," Frank began to caress Autolycus' hand. "I'm not too picky. In fact, the two of you will help me build my glorious creation."
"I'd rather die than help you!" said Autolycus.
"Don't be boring." Frank sighed. "Everyone who says that dies. Well, my original plan was to find Hercules, lobotomize him and make him my love slave. However, I've decided I can do better than that. I can make the ideal man! And I have all the parts right here! He'll have Hercules' muscular build, Iolaus' pretty head, Autolycus' sensitive hands and Joxer's...." Frank trailed off in a leering chuckle.
"M-my...." Joxer did a weak impression of Frank's chuckle.
"You are a sick, sad, twisted little pervert." said Autolycus.
"Sticks and stones break my bones," sang Frank. "But whips and chains excite me!"
"You-you can't do this!" said Joxer. "It-it isn't possible!"
Frank chuckled. "You'd be surprised at what I'm capable of. My only concern is that Iolaus seems a bit on the headstrong side." said Frank. "Can't have a lover with too many brains. He might decide to run away. Oh, well." Frank shrugged. "I'll just replace his brain with half of Eddie's. After I've sampled those two beauties, of course. Mmm...hope I have the right wigs in my collection. Now, don't go anywhere, darlings!" Frank scampered off.
"Oh, like we have a choice." Autolycus said with an eye roll.
"Auto, we can't let him do this!" Joxer said in a panicked voice. "We can't let him kill Hercules and Iolaus! We can't let him cut off my...my...." Joxer whimpered rather than finish the sentence.
"What, you think I wanna lose my hands?" asked Autolycus. "I'd be out of a job! Now shut up and let me think!" Autolycus fumbled with the manacles. "I've never seen locks like these! There doesn't seem to be any place to put the key."
"That's cuz it's a computerized combination lock." They turned their heads to see Columbia and Eddie come out from behind a stairwell.
"A what now?" asked Autolycus.
"Don't worry, I can get ya out." Columbia said as she approached. "I know the numerical code Frankie uses for everything." She pressed a few buttons on the lock, oblivious to the fact that her breasts were right in Autolycus' face as she did so. "Six-nine-six-nine." With a beeping noise, the manacles came off.
"Thanks, Miss....?"
"Just call me Columbia." she said. "And this here is Eddie."
"Not that I'm complaining," said Autolycus. "But, why are you helping us?"
Columbia pouted. "Ever since Frankie got this wild idea to build the ultimate muscle man, that's all he's cared about!"
"He wants to use my brain?" groaned Eddie.
"Just half of it." Autolycus said as Columbia freed Joxer. "Thanks for helping us."
"We gotta find some way to get Hercules and Iolaus out of here." said Joxer. "I wish Xena and Gabrielle were here. Frank wouldn't stand a chance!"
"Where are they?" asked Eddie.
"Thrace. But it would take us hours to walk there."
"I could take you on my motorcycle."
"What's a motorcycle?"
"Eddie, honey," said Columbia. "Are you sure it's safe?"
"I think I got just enough gas to get us there." said Eddie. "But if we can help these guys, maybe we can get back to the twentieth century and..and...I don't know!" Eddie growled his frustration. "I wish my Uncle Everet was here. He's smart. He'd figure something out."
"Can someone tell us what in Tartarus is going on?" asked Autolycus.
"You mean besides the fact that Frank wants to play Mr. Potato Head with our body parts?" asked Eddie.
"What's Mr. Potato Head?" asked Joxer.
"OK, long story short." said Columbia. "Frankie used the sonic transducer to...."
"What's a sonic transducer?" asked Joxer.
"Anyway...." Columbia sighed. "We're not from this time. Frankie, Riff-Raff and Magenta aren't even from this planet! Frank wanted to go back in time, find Hercules and make him his love slave. Well, you know what happened."
"Yeah." said Autolycus. "Evil villains, just can't stop talking about their plans."
"If my Uncle Everet knew what was going on...." sighed Eddie.
"Eddie," said Columbia. "That's it! I've seen Frank use the transport beam enough times. I-I'm not sure I could send a person, though. Maybe something small, like a note."
"Yeah!" said Eddie. "Either of y'all got some paper we could borrow?"
"I got some." Joxer took a tattered bit of parchment from his pocket.
"OK, now something to write with." said Eddie.
"Use my lipstick." Columbia said, offering the cosmetic.
"Thanks, babe." said Eddie. "Now, something to write on...." He grabbed Autolycus, bent him over and put the paper on his back.
"Hey! I'm a thief! Not a writing desk!" Autolycus protested.
"Hush, boy, I gotta think." said Eddie. What to put in the note? Frank was going to steal his brain! *I'm out of my hed.* Eddie wrote.
"Um, sweetie?" said Columbia. "That's not how you spell 'head'."
"Ah, lipstick doesn't erase." He continued writing. *O hurry, or I may be DEAD!* Eddie underlined the word "dead" for further emphasis. *They mustn’t carry out their evil deeds. Love, Eddie.*
He gave the letter to Columbia. "You send this to Uncle Everet. I'll go for help." He took Columbia in his arms. "I love ya babe."
"I love you too, Eddie." Columbia kissed him.
"Can I stand up now?" asked Autolycus.

Iolaus woke suddenly to the sound of his door opening. "Who's there?" he asked.
"It's just me, Iolaus." he heard Hercules say.
"Oh, hi, Herc, come in." It was dark. Iolaus could just barely make out his friend's shadow. "Creepy place, huh?"
"Don't worry, we'll be gone by morning." Hercules was now sitting on the bed.
"So, um, you wanted anything?"
Iolaus felt strong fingers mesh in his hair. "I just wanted to see if you were alright."
Iolaus was glad it was too dark for his friend to see him blush. "Yeah, I'm fine."
An arm went around him. "I care about you so much, Iolaus. I don't ever want to lose you." Iolaus wasn't expecting the kiss that followed, but found he didn't mind it.
"Herc, I-I didn't know you felt this way about me."
"Let's not waste any more time, Iolaus." Hercules embraced him and caressed him.
"Oh, Herc...." Iolaus gasped, twining his fingers in long hair. He involuntarily gave it a pull when Hercules kissed a tender spot on his neck. Before Iolaus could apologize for the hair pulling, he noticed he was holding a wig in his hand and Frank was in his arms. "YOU!" he shouted, pulling away.
"I'm afraid so." Frank laughed. "But isn't it nice?" He made another grab for Iolaus, only to receive an uppercut to the jaw. "Well, really!" he responded as he tried to pick himself back up.
"What have you done with Hercules?" Iolaus demanded.
"Well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?"
"You tricked me!" said Iolaus. "I would have never...."
"Yes, yes, I know." Frank said silkily. "But it wasn't at all bad was it? You liked it." Frank slithered closer to Iolaus. He reached out to him even as Iolaus tried to back away. "You really found it quite pleasurable." Frank gently ran his fingertips over Iolaus' neck. "There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure, Iolaus." Frank began to kiss a shuddering Iolaus.
Iolaus moaned at the sensual touch. Hercules' name came unbidden to his lips. "Oh, Herc, oh, oh, HERCULES!"
Frank shushed him and put his fingers on Iolaus' lips. "Herc's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like THIS?" Frank snatched Iolaus legs and pulled them up to his shoulders.
"Like this, like Hades!" Iolaus kicked away from Frank. "This is your fault! You're to blame!"
"You know, you're quite strong." Frank said as he rubbed a bruise Iolaus made while kicking him. "You're quite the energetic scrapper. Why don't you show me the strength and energy you have in bed?" He ran his fingers over Iolaus' torso. "Hercules needn't know." He kissed Iolaus on the thigh. "I won't tell him."
"Promise you won't tell Herc?"
"Cross my heart and hope to die." Frank said just as Iolaus fell prey to his charms.
Frank left Iolaus' room an hour later with a semen stain on his garter that he was sure wasn't his. That had been a bit of an accident, but now at least he'd have a little souvenir of the hunter- before he lost his head. Now there was just one thing-er-person left to do.

Hercules woke to the sound of his bedroom door opening suddenly. "Herc, it's no good here!" he heard Iolaus say. "It will destroy us!"
"Don't worry, Iolaus." Hercules told his friend as he sat by him on the bed. "We'll be out of here by morning."
"Oh, I hope so." Iolaus stretched out next to him on the bed. "Herc, you're so strong and protective." Iolaus' arms went around the demi-god. Hercules was a bit startled to feel the other man's lips on his, but found he didn't mind so much. He meshed his fingers with tossled curls, only to find a wig come off in his hands and to find Frank in his arms.
"YOU!" In shock, Hercules shoved the other man across the room.
Frank staggered to his feet. He knew he'd be bruised in the morning. "I'm afraid so." he said with a weak grin. "But isn't it nice?"
Hercules picked up the smaller man and slammed him against a wall. "What have you done with Iolaus?" he demanded.
"Well, nothing." Frank lied. "Why, do you think I should?" Frank grinned and batted his eyes. "Oh, come now, Herc, admit it. You liked it, didn't you?"
"I thought it was the real thing!"
"Mmm...let me show you my real thing, baby." Frank said, licking the corner of Hercules' mouth. "I think you'll find it quite...pleasurable." He began to kiss Hercules, who was finding it hard not to kiss back. "Mmm...so sweet, like I always dreamed...."
"Stop it, stop it...." Hercules murmured half heartedly. "Stop it!" He threw Frank aside and shouted out "IOLAUS!"
"Iolaus is probably asleep by now." said Frank. "Do you want him to see you like THIS?" Frank jumped on Hercules' back, hooking his arms around his neck and legs around his waist.
"Like this, like Hades!" Hercules tried to buck Frank off, who was only enjoying the ride. "This is your fault! You're to blame!"
"Yes, I know." Frank said, taking advantage of the opportunity to kiss the back of Hercules' neck. "But it isn't at all bad is it? Oh, Herc, there's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure." Frank let his hands play over Hercules' bare chest. "We've wasted so much time already. Iolaus needn't know. I won't tell him."
"Well, promise you won't tell Iolaus?"
"Mmm...you have my word as a gentleman." Frank purred.