In My Life

Half time goes by

Suddenly you're wise

Another blink of an eye

67 is gone

The sun is getting high

We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment

Dying for just another moment

And I'm just dreaming

Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you

22 I feel her too

33 you're on your way

Every day's a new day...

--Five for Fighting



"You know those things are bad for you, right?" Hercules asked as Autolycus lit up.



"It's not like they can kill me." he replied, exhaling the smoke. "I've been smoking these off and on since 1842. Well, not Chesterfields, but you know what I mean."



"I remember the first time I saw someone smoking." Hercules said with a smile. "Sir Walter Raleigh. I thought he was on fire, so I dumped a bucket of water on him. Boy, was that embarrassing."



"Well, at least you didn't /lose your head/ over it like Wally did."



Hercules gave a weak chuckle. "Yeah, lose my head. I get it."



"So, what happened with you and Curly?"



"Well, for about a year after you and Joxer disappeared, things just went on as usual. We traveled all over Greece together, helped people when we could. Rescued a few damsels then bitterly disappointed them.



"Well, one day we were fishing when we heard the sound of a baby crying. We found this tiny baby boy, no more than a day old wrapped in a blanket and lying in the reeds. There was a note attached. All it said was 'I won't return for him.' and was simply signed 'An Amazon'. They tended to abandon boy babies by river banks, in hopes that someone would find him and take him in. Iolaus and I had planned on just taking him to the nearest town with a good orphanage, but, somewhere along the way, we just fell in love with the kid.



"I think Iolaus fell for him first. He named him 'Alexiares' almost immediately, saying we couldn't just keep calling him 'the baby'. I told him that we couldn't keep him. That little Alex needed a more conventional family. But, I started to love the little guy too. I guess Iolaus and I were both at a point where we both wanted children again. We raised Alexiares as if he were our own son.



"We sent him to Chiron’s Academy when he was old enough, and when he graduated he joined Iphecles' army. His fighting days came to an end when he took a volley of Greek fire while defending Corinth from Roman invaders. Third degree burns all over his left arm. That cloud had a silver lining. He got acquainted with Cordelia, the healer's daughter and married her later. He went on to become Iphecles' and later Hylas' best adviser. He ended up stopping a lot of wars before they started. Really lived up to his name."


"How did Ares react to you sort of naming a son after him?" Autolycus asked.



Hercules smiled. "It irked him that we gave a child a name that means 'Speak not of war'. I thought it was poetic justice.



"I wish you could've met him, Autolycus. I think you would've liked him. He was a mischievous little bundle, but really sweet. When he got older, you could tell he was from Amazon stock. He was tall, well muscled, fine features, dusky skin. I remember he wore his hair in what the kids today call dreadlocks and tied them back sometimes. Our other two children were just as wonderful."



"You and midget-boy picked up more kids?"



"Oh, he wasn't that short!" Hercules felt an urge to defend his long dead lover. "Anyway, when Alex was two, we took him to the beach to play when we saw a mermaid no older than twelve washed up on shore. We were sure she was beached, so we went to help her. Then, we found she had a baby girl in her arms. The mermaid told us the baby fell off a ship and she caught it. She kind of wanted to keep the baby, but she knew humans couldn't live under water and she was really too young to take care of a baby anyway. I told her I knew a family that would love to have a little daughter and took the baby off her hands. Iolaus carried the mermaid back to sea and asked her name. She said 'It's Margarita' and splashed away."


"Like the drink?" asked Autolycus.



Hercules laughed. "Funny you should mention it. See, Iolaus and I decided to name the girl after the mermaid who saved her. Our new daughter was like a pearl. Small, beautiful, precious, and she came from the sea."



"Not to mention a constant irritant." Autolycus quipped.



Hercules laughed and shook his head. "Oh, she could be sometimes. She was a spunky one, but we loved her. Called her Rita for short. Falafel made the drink named after her. I think he was trying to invent hard lemonade. But, he couldn't find any lemons so he used limes. And he mistook some salt for sugar. Putting salt on the rim of the glass was Iolaus' idea."



"First time Blondie ever had a good idea." said Autolycus.



"Oh, I don't know about that." said Hercules. "Adopting Anicetus was a good idea of his. Iolaus went off hunting one day while I watched Alex and Rita. He came back with enough rabbits to make a stew and a baby boy. Well, you know how back then if someone had a baby they didn't want they'd leave it in the wilderness to die? This kid had been born with a club foot. And, well, Iolaus found him and just couldn't leave him, so he brought him home. We named him Anicetus because we knew he'd need a name like that to give him confidence."



"The Unconquerable." said Autolycus, for that was what the name meant in Greek. "Had to be hard for him, being the crippled son of a celebrated hero.



"Ani knew he was loved." said Hercules. "His handicap meant nothing to us. He grew up and painted the most beautiful pictures on amphorae. You can see some of his work in history museums today. A lot of them depicted me and Iolaus. He went to Madame Sariah's Accademy for White Magic and learned a few tricks. His bad foot kept him from active adventuring, but he could be helpful at times. Margarita was an Olympic charioteer until she retired and opened a livery stable." Hercules sighed wistfully "I really wish they had cameras back then. It would be nice to have a photo of Alex, Rita and Ani. And all my other children."



"All your other children?" Autolycus rested his cigarette in the ashtray and took up his coffee. "How many did you have?"



"All in all?" Hercules paused to think. "One hundred and fifty-two."



Autolycus nearly did a spit take at the casualness in Hercules' tone. "One hundred and fifty-two? Do you realize that thanks to you half the people in the world are probably related?"



Hercules laughed. "I'm counting all the children I've adopted and a few step-children I came to love as my own. And then there's Victoire. I think she may have been Jean-Pierre's natural daughter, but there was no way to be sure and it didn't matter anyway."



"Didn't matter? Hercules, did you convert to Roman Catholicism by any chance?"



"Nope. Actually hung around Martin Luther for a while."



"Then you realize there's no chance of you becoming a saint, right? Hercules, if your woman is stepping out on you and claiming some other man's child is yours, it matters!"



"Oh, it wasn't like that. See, Jean-Pierre, Marie and I were all...um...well, the word the French used was 'ménage a troi.'"



"You were in a three-way?!" Autolycus shouted.



Hercules shushed him. "Keep that quiet, OK? You think I want /The Enquirer/ to find out?"



"Ok, one, I spoke in Greek, so I don't think anyone understood. Two, you really think you can push Paris Hilton off the cover of /The Enquirer/?"



"I guess not. Anyway, of those children I mentioned, about one hundred and twenty-one of them were my natural children. I have three right now." He took out his wallet. "Here's a picture Sam took of us last time we were at Disney Land." He showed Autolycus a photo of himself flanked by two boys and with a baby girl in his arms. They were all wearing the prerequisite mouse ears while Sleeping Beauty's castle stood in the background.



"So, these are my little cousins? Yeah, I think I read something about you having a baby girl a couple years ago." Autolycus said as he looked at the photo. "Why'd you name her Octavia? It would've been an OK name back in our day, but now, well, it's sorta weird."



"It's different. There's already a bunch of Ashleys and Courtneys and Brittaneys and Taylors in the world. Maybe the world needs a little Octavia."



"The other kids are going to call her Octopus, you know."



Hercules just laughed. "Well, at least she'll have something to tell her therapist." He took back the photo. "It's strange. Every time I've married and had children, it's almost always exactly three children. Always two boys and a girl. I've wondered if Hera has anything to do with it."



"You mean the psychobitch who kept trying to kill you?"



"She's not like that anymore. When Zeus brought her back from the pit, she had no memory of who she was. Her bitterness and jealousy were gone. I warned Zeus to take advantage of their second chance and stay faithful to her. I like to think that he did. When Hera remembered what she did to me and my family, she felt remorse for the first time in centuries. She felt absolutely terrible about what she did. She apologized to me and said she'd do anything in her power to make up for it. She offered me her daughter Hebe as a peace offering. Well, I don't work that way. Not only was I in love with Iolaus, I just can't see people as items to be bargained and traded for. I told her nothing could replace what she had taken. I guess she tried anyway." He looked at the photo of his present day children again. "I can't say I'm complaining." He tucked it back in his wallet.




"What was Iolaus like in his older years?" asked Autolycus. "Still pesky as ever?"


"Well, Iolaus was always Iolaus. He grew a bit wiser in his later years, but he was always the same wonderful, lovable man I grew up with and fell in love with. I think about him a lot. He wasn't my first love and far from my last, but he was my first love that lasted a lifetime. My other lovers and wives were either murdered or they left me."


"Was he your first male lover?"


Hercules frowned. "Let's just say Apollo is a heart breaking bastard and leave it at that. Well, Iolaus aged pretty well. He was still spry in his older years. He was beating the crap out of bandits more than half his age when he was sixty. Just, he needed a nap afterwards. He did a stint of teaching at Chiron’s academy. He taught his students the fighting techniques he learned in the East. He tried teaching them some meditation skills he picked up, but not a lot of the students had the patience or discipline to learn it effectively. I think a lot of them were surprised to see a white haired old man who could have the whole class laid out in ten seconds."


"I'm trying very hard to picture Goldilocks with grey hair and wrinkles."


"Grey hair only happens to people with dark hair. Blonds usually have white hair in their later years. Iolaus had been vain about his hair. Started bleaching it as soon as the first strands of silver started to show. I tried telling him it made him look distinguished, but that turned out to be the wrong thing to say. But, you know how it is when you love someone. No matter what they really look like, you always think of them as beautiful. Iolaus gave up on the bleach when he realized his hair line was receding. He was actually depressed for a while. Then Alex showed up for a visit and brought along his newborn daughter, Amaryllis."


"Then he got suicidal." said Autolycus.


"No, he actually put things in perspective then. I took it upon myself to do little things to remind Iolaus that he was loved. Not just in the fond way that someone loves a grandparent, but the way a spouse is loved. He always did need a bit of reassurance.


"Iolaus lived to see his one hundredth birthday. He was even able to dance at his party. He had a great time. After the guests left, Iolaus had a talk with me. He knew he probably didn't have much time left. He told me that he was ready and that he didn't want me to try to get him back again. He didn't want me to be sad. He wanted me to find love again. He wanted me to keep living, to continue doing what I do. I could promise him that much. But, I couldn't promise I wouldn't mourn him and it was centuries before I could fall in love again.


"Iolaus died some weeks later. He specified that he wanted a small funeral, but so many people showed up. Our children, their spouses and children. Alex had just become a grandfather himself. A lot of his former students showed up. Iphecles' four sons showed up with their spouses and children.


"Oh, I guess it's safe to tell you this now. Iolaus had a son with Queen Niobe of Attica. She named him Dorian and had everyone convinced the father was King Orestes. Long, long story there. Anyway, she eventually married Iphecles and he pretty much adopted Dorian. Iolaus, Niobe and I were the only ones who ever knew the truth. I thought about telling Dorian the truth after Iolaus' death, but, by then he was King of Attica and his queen was very high born. I didn't want to jeopardize any of that.


"I announced to everyone I was leaving Greece after the funeral. It just didn't feel like home without Iolaus. My children and nephews begged me to stay, but I had to go. I said good-bye and thank you to everyone. My nephews were all kings now. Like I said, Dorian was King of Attica. Iphecles' eldest, Hylas, was King of Corinth. Iphecles' other son with Rena was named after Iolaus and he had wanted to be an adventurer too. Traveled with me for awhile. That's probably why some of the myths are a bit mixed up about who Iolaus was. A lot of people wanted to name their children after him. Anyway, Prince Iolaus managed to rescue a princess who had no brothers and became King of Volos. Iphecles and Niobe had a son named Petros who had similar luck and became King of Larisa. I asked the four kings to keep the Olympic games going and never forbid anyone from competing. They kept their promise, but kingdoms and dynasties don't last forever.


"Under the reign of Theodosius in 380, women were banned from the Olympics. Their excuse was that woman was created to be man's 'helpmate', not his competitor. All records of Margarita, Atalanta and any other female competitor were destroyed along with the Library of Alexandria. It wasn't until 1928 that they would be allowed to compete again."


"And so you left Greece." Autolycus established. "All by yourself?"


"Well, Ani had a son all of nineteen years who insisted on coming with me. I couldn't seem to lose him or convince him to go home, so I had a new sidekick. Oh, he was named Iolaus, after his grandfather. How about you, Autolycus? Any kids?"


"You mean that I know of?" Autolycus smirked as he took up his cigarette. He took a puff. "Well, I haven't been as prolific as you. In fact, I haven't ridden bareback since 1991. And I'm not talking about horses."



"Good idea. I'm not sure if demi-gods are immune to AIDS, but it's best not to take risks."



"Oh, yeah, I saw that PSA you did. Nice job."



"Thanks. So, ever have any kids?"



"A few. Just 56 in all. Yeah, that sounds like a lot, but when you've been around for a couple millennia...." Joxer sipped his coffee and took another drag off his cigarette. "You know, a few days before Joxer died, he told me that it would be OK for me to take another lover after he was gone. I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He told me that wouldn't keep it from happening. My own words back to haunt me. After Joxer died, it was about two and a half centuries before I ever let myself fall in love again. Her name was Aisha. The other people in her village thought she was ugly because she was tall and slim and had light brown skin. I thought she was beautiful" He exhaled smoke and gazed out the window.

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A/N: In the myths, Hera gave Hercules her daughter Hebe to make up for what she had done to him. Our Hercules kindly but firmly turned the offer down. In the myths, Hebe gave Hercules two sons named Alexiares and Anicetus. I had them be a couple of abandoned babies Hercules and Iolaus found. Margarita is an altogether original character. Her name is from the Greek word for "pearl".

It's a good thing that I still had this story as a WIP. I re-read this chapter and realized there wasn't enough Iolaus in it! Also added a bit more about Herc and Iolaus' adopted children. Sorry, don't think I can do M-Preg. Since infant abandonment was rather common at the time, it's feasible for them to take in unwanted children.
The song that this chapter is named after reminds me of Iolaus, since Hercules let it slip that Iolaus lived 100 years. I've wanted to make a video with this song, but the only image of Old!Iolaus is in the episode "Surprise", and it's not very flattering. I would have liked it if the series had ended with a clip show featuring a centenarian Iolaus facing death with grace and dignity.

BTW, Kevin Sorbo really did make an AIDS awareness PSA. It can be seen here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHxx8MyTDTo