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Fall and I will catch you	By : furbert Category: Supernatural > Het - Male/Female Views: 2770 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters in it (mores the pity!) and I'm not making any money from writing this.

Chapter List
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Spoiler warning: only very minor spoilers for episode 4x07,
�It�s the great pumpkin, Sam Winchester.�
Oh, and also I guess I should say: angst warning.� Seriously.�
But on with Chapter 3!

Castiel found the Winchesters in the bar again the following
night.� They had made plans to
investigate an unusual death in the area before moving on upstate in a few days
time.� The patrons were singing again,
and for some reason the brothers had chosen to sit at a table near the stage
rather than their usual spot near the bar.
He frowned at the noise coming from the stage, and Dean
smirked as if he thought he had his own private joke.� If he thought Castiel would be distracted
again tonight, he would be disappointed.
�The book?� Castiel said questioningly, not bothering with
pleasantries before launching into business.�
Dean cleared his throat and attempted to wipe the smile off his face.
�Done,� Dean replied.�
�Finito, gone, destroyed.� Ain�t
that right, Sammy?�� Hearing his name,
Sam looked up from his bottle with a slightly alarmed expression.�
�What?� he said quickly.�
He seemed slightly distracted.
Dean looked at his brother in a quizzical fashion before
turning back towards Castiel, and rolled his eyes.� �That�s my kid brother for you.� You know he was going to law school, can you
believe it?�
�We got rid of it,� Sam finally piped up.� �That�s what you asked us to do, isn�t
it?� So why wouldn�t we get rid of it?�
Dean gave his brother another look, and Castiel followed his
gaze.� The younger man was acting
strangely, as if he were hiding something.�
The silence seemed to drag; one person�s song had ended and another
person was taking the stage, looking through the songs to find what they
wanted.
�Good,� Castiel said, breaking the awkward silence between
the two Winchesters.�� Because I hope I
do not need to remind you of the severity of the situation.� If that book was to get into Lilith�s hands �
into any demons hands��
Forgetting what he had been saying, Castiel found himself
staring open-mouthed at the stage once again.�
She was back, with a different song but with the same strong, clear
voice that cut through his concentration and distracted him so easily.
It was not the song that distracted him, he knew that.� It was this new emotion, this guilt that he experienced every time he
looked at her that caused him to falter.�
But seeing her like this; so happy compared to the memory of when he
first saw her, fascinated him as well.
�Cas?� Dean�s voice finally brought the angel back to the
present, and Castiel realised that Dean had repeated his name several times
before he had responded.� �You ok?� You uh, want some time alone?� Or do you need some of our help with her,
too?�
The smirk was back on the Winchester�s face, and Castiel
turned and fixed the human with his most thoroughly righteous glare.� The smirk disappeared as Castiel growled
between clenched teeth: �Remember your place, Dean.� Remember where you were when I found
you.� Where you can go straight back to
just as soon as we don�t have a use for you anymore.�� He paused for a moment when it was apparent
that his words had the desired effect of shutting the human up, and Castiel
unclenched his jaw.� �If the book is
destroyed then we�re done here.� I will
contact you if we need you again.� And if
I were you, I would pray that we do
still need you.�
Rather than doing his usual disappearing act, Castiel
stalked out of the door and into the night.�
As the angel left, Dean released a breath that he had not realised he�d
been holding.
�Jeez,� Sam commented, exhaling at the same time as his
brother.� �What�s eating him?�
Disturbed by the angel�s words, Dean did not reply.� He got to his feet, grabbed his jacket and
turned his back to his brother.� �I�m
going for a walk,� he said, his mood dark.
�Ok,� Sam said, and Dean realised that his brother was
biting his tongue.� �I�ll see you back at
the motel?�� Sam had questions about hell
that Dean did not want to answer, and so even though he knew he was causing Sam
to worry, Dean stalked out of the bar as Castiel had done moments earlier.
*�� *�� *
Dean trudged his way along the dark streets, hands in his
pockets and his feet scuffing the ground like he was deliberately trying to
kick it with every step.� Sooner or
later, everything had to come back to hell.�
It was �hell this,� and �hell that,� and �So, tell me about your time in
hell, Dean.�� As if any of them could
understand any of it.� As if they�d even
want to, once they knew.� And if Castiel
thought he would be able to hold that threat over his head forever, he had
another thing coming.� He could find some
other douche bag to do his dirty work for him, he was frigging done.
He felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder, and suddenly
the streets melted away and he was standing in the middle of a park, regardless
of the fact that he knew this city
didn�t even have a park.� The hand on his
shoulder belonged to Castiel, who was now standing beside him.
�Listen man,� Dean spat, his anger still fresh in his mind
at the angel�s earlier words.� �If you�ve
brought me here for round two, you can forget it.� I�m not a goddamned angel punch bag, and I�m
not in the mood.� So why don�t you just
use your holy transporter beam and send me back to my frigging motel!�
Lowering his hand from the human�s shoulder, Castiel stepped
back and took a seat at one of the conveniently placed park benches.� Frowning at the grass at his feet, Castiel
let the silence stretch out for a few moments before finally muttering: �I am
sorry, Dean.�
Slightly taken aback, Dean did not respond to the
apology.� Castiel sighed, and looked up
but straight ahead, careful not to look at the man standing beside him.� �I�� he started, but was having trouble
finding the words to describe what he needed to say.� �When you stopped me from allowing Uriel to
destroy that town, I told you that in the past I had some doubts.�� He looked back up at Dean before
continuing.� �Regarding my orders, and
regarding what was right and wrong.�
�Yeah,� Dean agreed, but from his tone it seemed that he was
refusing to back down.� �So what?�
Realising that Dean was not going to make this easy, Castiel
looked down again.� He leaned forward and
put his elbows on his knees, clasped his hands and rested his chin on top of
them.� �We�re not supposed to experience
human emotions,� he murmured, his voice low as if he didn�t really want Dean to
hear what he was saying.� �We are
supposed to follow our orders, and not get involved with the everyday lives of
the people on earth.� But sometimes,
their emotions�� I feel them when I pass
people by.� And sometimes they are
strong; too strong to ignore.�
Dean�s mood finally seemed to soften a little.� He bit his lip and nodded an almost
imperceptible amount before finally taking a seat next to Castiel.� �The girl,� he said, the hardness gone from
his voice now.� �In the bar.� You�re talking about her, right?� You�ve seen her before?�
Castiel nodded.� He
lifted his head out of his hands and leaned back, looked up to the sky hoping
that Revelation would finally come to him again.� Nothing.�
He was still on his own.� �I was...
in a hurry.� I was trying to help one of
the angels from my garrison, and all that was in my head was trying to reach
him on time.� I must have flown over
thousands of people without sparing them a single thought, but when I reached
her.�� He paused, unsure of how to help
the human understand.� �She was so
afraid.� Afraid for her life, amongst
other things that I � I suppose I pretended not to notice.� She was trapped in her house with a man, but we do not interfere!� And my brother was dying.�
He risked a glance at the human�s face, and wished that he
had not.� Dean was looking at him with
the same expression he�d used when he found out that the angels were willing to
sacrifice 1,214 human souls in order to kill one witch.
�Can you imagine losing your brother, Dean?�� Castiel asked.� �I mean truly losing him, with no hope of
rescue?�� Dean�s jaw tightened at that, and
he looked away.� �I had my orders, and I
followed them.�
�So?� Dean asked, his voice tight with anger again.� �Was it worth it?� Did you save your precious brother?�
Looking down again, Castiel replied with a voice full of
resignation.� �No.� I was still too late.� You cannot imagine it, Dean.� How long we have lived, how long we had
fought together.� When we lose one of our
own, it is� I can�t explain it.�
Dean�s head snapped back and he fixed Castiel with a
accusing glare.� �You think because I�m
just a human I can�t understand loss?� he growled.� �You think that just because you have those
damned wings, that you�re somehow better than us?� More important?� Well I got news for you, pal.� I don�t see any shiny halo on the top of your
fricking head.� You don�t think I lost
enough in my life?� My mother, and my
father, and most everyone I�ve ever been close to?� You don�t think that�s enough?� Well how about the part of myself that I left
behind when you dragged me out of the pit!�
Can you understand that?�
Castiel was silent for a moment as he looked back over at
the human sitting beside him.� �I
understand that you have sacrificed more than you ever thought you could,
Dean.� I don�t mean to belittle your
loss.� But you should know that
everything that you are feeling now, I was feeling at that moment.� And when I looked to heaven for direction,
none came.� I was� lost.� So I started to retrace my steps to go back
to heaven, but I came across the girl again.�
And her sorrow at that moment was so close to my own, and I could have
stopped it.� But I did not.�
He felt Dean�s gaze on his face, but this time Castiel chose
not to find out which expression the Winchester was wearing.� �I have never felt guilt before, Dean.� We don�t interfere, and I know that I did the right thing; I
followed my orders.� So why am I feeling
this way?�
�What happened?� Dean asked, his voice softer again.� �To the girl?�
�I looked in on her,� Castiel replied.� �The man was gone, and she was alive.� But she wished that she wasn�t.� He had taken so much from her, and right at
that moment, I could not find the strength to believe in God�s will.� So I��
I touched her.� I suppose I gave
her some warmth from my grace.� And I
told her that she would find the strength to survive what had happened to her.�
�Did she believe you?� Dean asked, and Castiel smiled sadly.
�She didn�t hear me.�
Not consciously anyway.� But she
stopped crying.� And she crawled off the
bed and told herself that she was still alive, and that it was a start.�
Dean sighed.� �Look
man,� he said, and Castiel found the courage to look the human in the eye once
more.� �For what it�s worth, if I had to
choose between Sammy and some girl I didn�t know, he�d win hands down.� Every time.�
�Then why the guilt?� Castiel asked, and Dean snorted.
�You had the choice between two shitty options, Cas.� Help the chick and lose your brother, or
leave her and try to get to him on time.�
It went south, and you�re feeling bad because of it.� Do you honestly think you�d feel any better
if you�d gone down the other road, and not even had the chance to try to save
the angel?�
Castiel closed his eyes and sighed.� �Does it ever go away?�
�Not in my experience,� Dean said.� �But hey, she�s turned out ok.� She�s the best damned singer in the bar, for
one thing.�
�She is a distraction,� Castiel said.� �I have a job to do.� I need to be able to let her go.�
�Maybe you aren�t supposed to let her go,� Dean said, as if
he was thinking out loud.� Castiel looked
up at him, confused.
�Maybe you should talk to her,� the human went on.� �Find out for yourself how she�s doing.�
�Dean, we don�t-�
�Interfere.� Yeah, Cas, I get it.� You need to get over yourself.�
Frowning at the human�s suggestion, Castiel stood, then
placed his hand back on Dean�s shoulder and sent him to his motel room, as he
had originally requested.� He had hoped
that his conversation with the man would help him to find direction, but
Castiel felt even more lost now than he ever had.

*Author�s note:� So I
know, poor Castiel is suffering.� And so
is Dean.� And Cas still hasn�t met the
mystery woman, not officially anyway.�
But I�m having so much fun twisting the knife in Cas�s little angel
heart (that sounds terrible.� I love him
really!)� Maybe next chapter?� Let�s wait and see J
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Fall and I will catch you