The Babysitter Conundrum

Sheldon sat up on the couch, carefully eating his chicken noodle soup. A napkin was tucked into the collar of his pajama top, and his blanket was over his legs, with a fold at the top exactly four inches wide for minimum effort if he got cold.

“Aby!” he called. “Can I habe sub crackers?” he sniffled dramatically. Amy left the kitchen, her boots thumping in a way that Sheldon decided wasn't obnoxious across the floor. She handed him the package of saltines.

He dipped the cracker, careful to only let the broth soak in halfway up before bringing it to his mouth. He needed the perfect ratio of crunch to chicken flavor. Amy was sitting in the chair still, reading another book and drinking from a bottle of Coke.

Amazing that she didn't slurp, like Walowitz, and she didn't sip daintily, like Koothrappali. She knew how to take nice, measured mouthfuls and silently swallow them. Like a normal person should! Sheldon beamed and then sneezed into one of the tissues from the box next to him.

The soup was gone, except for the noodles that had proven themselves to be too long to comfortably eat. He left those in a small pile at the bottom of the bowl. Sheldon pulled the blankets up to the center of his chest and settled down on the couch.

“Aby?”

“Yes?” she put her bookmark, an old shopping receipt, in her place.

“Could you sing Soft Kitty to be now?” Amy stood, smoothing down her skirt. Sheldon looked at her legs, measured with his eyes the perfect proportions of her calves. Saw the shape of her knees and wondered what it would be like to touch them, hold them in his palm.

“You're going to have to teach me.” she knelt carefully on the floor, sitting back on her heels, hands folded primly in her lap. Sheldon coughed.

“Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr ,purr, purr.” he sang through his nose. Amy tilted her head to one side and smiled.

“I think I can handle that.” she cleared her throat and leaned close to him. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty...” before she even got to the last part, Sheldon's eyes were closed, and he was asleep.

**

Leonard checked his cell phone for the fifth time in fifteen minute. Howard looked up from his bacon sandwich (keeping kosher really was too much work for him, he decided. Besides, some girls liked the smell of bacon) and sighed.

“Leonard, would you mind telling me just why you're so anxiously checking your phone like it's the Doomsday clock?”

“Because of the babysitter.”

“It's brilliant that you finally decided to hire a Sheldon-watcher.” Raj sipped his juice. “He needed a handler.”

“She's isn't a handler. She's a legitimate babysitter who I hired from a real agency. She's taken classes and has a CPR license and everything.” Leonard said defensively. He waggled the agency's ad at them, still smelling like the ink from his printer.
“See?”

“So what are you worried about?” Howard shook his head. “You left him with a highly trained professional. Which is just what Sheldon needs. Although I'm not sure a babysitter is that professional.”

Raj laughed while Leonard contemplated calling Amy. Maybe Sheldon had her tied up, or was torturing her, or maybe she'd just passed out from the sheer difficulty of caring for the man. Either way, he had been expecting to spend the day on the phone with her, trying to help her work it out. But instead, his phone had remained silent.

Even after he had purchased that Augustana ring tone. Maybe he really just wanted to hear it ring. Taking the final bite of his sandwich, he stood up.

“Do you guys want to try and skip out early?”

“What for?”

“To go check on Sheldon and Amy! I'm getting worried, okay?” he snapped. He adjusted his hoodie. “I just want to make sure there hasn't bee any bloodshed in the apartment. I'll never get the stains off my Batman collection if he did kill her.”

“Or if she killed him.” Howard looked thoughtful. “Now that would be interesting, I wonder what sort of weapon she would use.”

***

The conversation continued into the apartment. Raj maintained that she would use a frying pan, that inevitably being handy. Howard countered that Sheldon was probably taller than her and would be harder to hit. Why would she waste the energy?

But when they opened the door, all three stopped dead silent. Sheldon was dead asleep on the couch, and Amy was kneeling on the floor, in front of the television, a notepad in her lap, The Twilight Zone flickering before her on the screen.

“I think I need a baby sitter. What are her wages?” Howard muttered. Leonard elbowed him before stepping in. Amy didn't look away from the screen, tapping the pencil against her lips. She jotted something down.

He cleared his throat and she jumped, pen going flying. Blushing, she hurried up, pulling down at the hem of her skirt as she did so. Her pad lay on the floor, face down.

“I—wasn't expecting you home some early. Did something go wrong?” she pushed her hair behind her ears.

“No I just thought that I'd come home early.” he lied, fumbling to put his keys in the bowl.

“He thought you had killed Sheldon. Did you?” Howard stepped forward with a grin. “Because if you did, I owe you a drink. And might I say that I like my women--,”

“You might say.” Amy cut him off. “And I might sucker punch you in the penis. You can finish the sentence and we'll find out!” Howard's lips fell together in silence.
“Hi, I'm Amy,” she extended her hand to Raj, who glanced for it to Leonard in sheer panic. “I'm sorry, did I offend you?” she frowned.

“He doesn't speak to women.” Leonard said before Raj exploded. Amy smiled and nodded. Raj nodded back, and they stood for a few minutes nodding at each other before Amy turned back to the physicist.

“I don't understand why you said Sheldon was so difficult. I mean, sure, he's a little shy, but after we got past that, he was just fine.” Everyone's eyes went wide.

“Did you drug him?” Howard asked bluntly.

“I sang Soft Kitty.” Amy offered. Raj just shook his head in amazement. “But anyway, I had a good time, and feel free to request me from the agency anytime.” she reached for her backpack. Leonard glanced at the television.

“This is a classic!” he pointed to the screen. “Why are you watching it?”

“It's an analysis for a class.” she put the bag over her shoulder. “I'll see you--.”

“Stay and finish.” Leonard cut in. “I wouldn't want to interrupt your homework.”

“Okay.” Amy smiled and slid back down onto the floor.