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Flickering
By : Bucken-Berry
Category: G through L > Law & Order
Views: 1523 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU; no profit is being made.
Chapter List
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A/N: Another sad chapter. I hope this isn't too angsty for you all. I might try to make the next chapter more lighthearted- as much as this series can be. Enjoy! Reviews are very much appreciated.

Olivia woke as she felt movement beside her. Opening her eyes groggily, she saw Rafael sitting up, then doubling over as though in pain. Panic rushed through her, mind automatically remember the horrible pain Rafael had been experiencing, and she pushed herself upwards, asking, "Rafael, are you alright?"
Rafael straightened and looked at her. Nodding, he whispered, "Sorry for scaring you, Liv. I'm not hurt. I just had a… a dream is all."
"A dream," Olivia echoed. "A nightmare?"
Rafael ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head once. "Worse, in a way."
"How so?" Olivia asked.
Gazing out the window into the soft stream of sunlight filtering in through their window, Rafael softly answered, "When you have a nightmare, you wake up, realize it wasn't real, and feel relieved. But when you have a dream about everything you wanted… and it feels so real… and then you wake up and you've been damned again, had your hopes and dreams pulled out from under you again…"
Olivia swallowed hard, heart suddenly aching in a way that made her understand why Rafael had doubled over. Grasping his hand, she massaged it gently, waiting to see if he would tell her willingly.
Rafael seemed to hear her unspoken question, and he exhaled slowly, standing to look out the window. The pain on his face was clear as questions of his own echoed in his head. How many more times would he get to watch sunlight streaming through this window?
He leaned against the windowsill, still looking outside rather than at her, and began to talk so quietly that she had to ask him to speak up. He cleared his throat and started over.
"I dreamed I was back in the hospital, after my surgery," he whispered, stroking one finger over the scar. "I was so weak, I was so tired, just like it happened. But when I woke up… the doctors told us I was cured."
He turned away so that she couldn't see his face at all, and the new hoarseness of his voice suggested that he was crying or about to. "We were shocked, but you were so happy you cried. You took care of me until I was strong enough to leave the hospital, and then we came home. We had a party to celebrate, you, me, my family, Eddie and his family, all my friends. And then…"
Silence fell. Olivia was torn, wanting to know more about his dream but not wanting to make Rafael continue talk when it was clearly hurting him so terribly.
Standing, she walked over to the window and began to stroke Rafael's back. Rafael reached out, lacing his fingers with hers just as he had that day in Central Park.
"Once I regained my strength," he said quietly, squeezing her hand, "We decided life was too short. So… we saw the world. We went to Paris, came back, and then dropped everything and moved to Tokyo."
"Tokyo?" Olivia repeated, frowning. When Rafael had shared his bucket list with her, that hadn't been there. "Do you want to go to Japan too?"
Rafael laughed weakly. "No, but I guess… I guess my subconscious does? I never wanted to go there in particular, but after that dream…" He smiled sadly.
Olivia bit her lip, unsure if anything she had to say would do anything but make it worse. Eventually, she told him, "I would have loved to spend my life with you, wherever you wanted to go."
"I…" Rafael gathered his thoughts, looking at her. Memories played in his mind; the day they had met, the day he had finally fallen in love with her, the day he had told her about his diagnosis, that wonderful day in the park, and then that horrible day when his future had been stolen from him- from them. He remembered Olivia's denial, remembered having to make her accept that he was dying when all he wanted was to pretend he wasn't.
"I would have done anything for you," he whispered. "Still will." He leaned forward, closed his eyes, and kissed her lips, kissed her like he had that day in the hospital when they had started the IV for that desperate last-resort round of chemo that had almost killed him. He'd kissed her hard and passionate, telling himself that if he died, he was determined to have the feeling of Olivia's lips memorized, and the memory would be enough to get him through the wait until Olivia joined him in heaven.
He kissed her just like that, the same thoughts running through his mind, except that "if he died" was now "when he died." He had only a few months left, and he wanted to fill them with the decades of emotion they would both miss.
That thought stung like venom.
"After my dad died," he said, breaking away.
"Yeah?" Olivia prompted him.
Rafael sat down, sighing. "My mom… she was so full of regrets. And… I was too. We never got to say goodbye. They never got to take a honeymoon- never had enough money. He never got to see me graduate."
"I'm sorry," Olivia said softly.
"I want," he said instead of responding. He felt his chest ache. "I want… I want that not to be me. I have so many regrets about my life, and I know you and the others will too, but… I want you to have as few as possible."
"Makes sense," Olivia said softly.
"I need you to tell me if there's anything I need to do before I… before I go." He closed his eyes. "You know the things I want to do. I need to know what you want, too."
Olivia thought. "You know what I want to do most, but I don't think we can do it."
He nodded. Travelling as far as Paris was out of the question.
"A house, two-point-four kids and a dog… that can't happen," she continued, biting her lip. Rafael brushed his hand over her cheek, and the sorrow on her face was mirrored on his.
"I don't know what I want. I'll think about it. For now… I want to just be together. I want you to be happy and comfortable," she finished.
Just as Rafael was about to speak, she shook her head. "No, there is one thing I want."
"What is it?" he asked softly.
"I want to know everything about you. And you to know everything about me too, I guess. I don't want… I don't want it to be a year from now, and then I start wondering what your favorite animal was, or what that scar on your foot is from, and never be able to find out if your mom doesn't know. I want to know everything, even little stories you think don't matter," she said.
Rafael nodded. "I think I can do that." He leaned back on the bed, lying down but with his back propped up on his pillows. "Some things about me… My favorite animal… it's cliché, but I like penguins. My favorite color is purple. I said my first word and second word at the same time- 'Mama, up,' because I wanted her to get me out of my high chair. I used to play the violin back in school, but I was terrible at it. I was always last chair. The only sport I was any good at was soccer, and I was a goalie. Even then I wasn't good enough to…" He trailed off, sighing. "Why don't you tell me some things about you?"
As Olivia began to give favorites and stories of hers to match his, Rafael thought briefly about his dream. He still ached for it. He didn't think the pain would go away until he took his last breath.
Even as he smiled and exchanged stories with Olivia, he found himself wishing the day had begun with a nightmare instead. At this point, his nightmares would do nothing but prepare him for the end.
But he didn't stop Olivia, didn't want to make her more depressed than she already was. Part of him felt guilty; guilty for coming into her life, letting her fall in love with him, and then leaving like this. It had been her choice to be with him, he knew, and yet he found himself wishing for her sake that she was still with Cassidy. He hated Cassidy, but Cassidy didn't have a terminal illness and wouldn't tear Olivia apart.
He wondered where he would be right now if Olivia had never fallen in love with him. He remembered those days, so weak in the hospital, with her stroking his forehead while he shook and sweated through high fevers, vomited as the drugs wreaked havoc on his body, whimpered helplessly when a nurse missed his vein with a needle.
He felt certain he wouldn't have lived this long without her. As grateful as he was to her for giving him the strength he needed, it made him feel worse that all he had to offer her was grief.
Two months ago, he had thought he would give her an engagement ring, but now all he could give her was pain and fear.
And yet… she was choosing to stay with him anyway. She could have left his mother and Eddie to care for him in his last months, but instead she was here, managing his pills and wiping away his tears.
Clearly she felt the pain was worth it, even if he wasn't so sure.
Before he pulled off his gold chain and crucifix to tell her the story behind it, he prayed silently that in these last months, he would be able to help ease the blow his death would have on Olivia.
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Flickering	By : Bucken-Berry Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 1523 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU; no profit is being made.

Flickering