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Gravity \| Book I: Amidst the Chaos	By : Prophecy Category: 1 through F > The 100 Views: 2331 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Head underwater, no one could save her
She played with death, she held her breath, she liked the pain
Her world was crumbling, but she did nothing
She'd numb herself so she would never feel a thing
- Bebe Rexha, Shining Star

Lexa didn't cry.

Well, of course she didn't. Heda couldn't show any kind of weakness, perceived or otherwise.

But even in private, even when it was just her; just Lexa kom Trikru, laying in the extravagant bedroom on layers of soft, warm pelts, surrounded by candles and thick with richly-colored tapestries and artwork, Lexa rarely let herself feel anything fully enough to bring tears to her eyes.

There had been Costia, of course. And then, camped just outside her former home of Tondc, she'd spent a few hours sniffling into her sleeve—the one that still had flecks of Gustus' blood on it—and hoping nobody would hear her.

But as a rule, neither Heda Lexa or Lexa kom Trikru cried.

Which is why it was so confusing that she'd taken to dismissing her handmaidens—much to Titus' chagrin—and having herself a good solid cry in the claw foot bath tub far more often than she was comfortable with.

She hadn't allowed herself to feel much of anything since the night she found Costia's head waiting beside her pillow. She couldn't help caring about Gustus; she'd known him nearly her entire life. But certainly, she would never let herself care about anyone else.

Then Clarke had fallen from the sky and thrown her life, her head, and her heart into a whirlwind that made her absolutely dizzy with emotion.

Nervous but determined, handling Anya's braid so carefully; somehow understanding how meaningful and important their tradition was. The way she held her head high and maintained her composure despite killing the boy only minutes prior. The soft murmur of their eulogy, the unfamiliar language passing through her lips easily but solemnly; respectfully. Even Indra had been impressed by her behavior at the pyre.

Clarke Griffin, her heart somehow hidden away but on her sleeve at the same time. Clarke, who was the one person in the world who understood the weight of being the leader. Clarke, with her piercing blue eyes and soft blonde curls, awakening things in Lexa that she hadn't felt since Costia and driving her to downright distraction at some very inconvenient times.

The fearless way she sauntered up to Quint despite the overwhelmingly large size disparity, and glared him down like he was a child. The concern in her face while she bandaged her shoulder and the strength in her hands when she grabbed Lexa and swung her out the door before following her and slamming the door in Pauna's face.

Clarke's hands running over her body, making her see the stars she'd come from before their coats had even come off. Strong enough to lift her off the ground, confident enough to leave behind the rough scratches Lexa craved, but gentle enough to make her feel safer than she ever had before.

Lexa wasn't stupid. If Mount Weather had offered her the same deal, Clarke's people for her own, she absolutely would have taken it. That was what it meant to be Heda—whether it was of the ground or the sky. You had to make the choices nobody else would make, the ones that were for the greater good, and you had to lock your feelings about all of it deep, deep inside where they couldn't surface and sway you.

At least, until you were alone in a bath tub, staring out at the stars in the sky and remembering the touch of the girl who came from them. Crying over what you almost had and trying to mirror the feel of her against your own skin. Pressing two, then three fingers inside, rubbing yourself raw as you shattered over and over again in every possible way, and somehow it still wasn't enough. It never was.

Titus had pushed her to issue a kill order, and been angry when she refused; even angrier than he'd been when she'd forbidden him from going after Luna. Indra didn't say anything and Lexa didn't ask, but she had a vague idea of what her thoughts were, too.

Octavia, however, had been the one to suggest the bounty instead, and not for the reasons one might have expected.

____________________________________

Octavia's face was stony and streaked with Emerson's blood on one side, her jaw set and her eyes even darker than usual as she watched the former prisoners stepping over the irradiated corpses that littered the floor across the entire level. Lincoln had set his hand on her shoulder, meaning to comfort her, but she shifted away from him quickly and without a word. Hurt on his face, he'd gone to help the more severely injured make their way out of the mountain, and Octavia remained still, surveying her work with a stormy expression.

Lexa, still reeling from Clarke's betrayal, had handed Indra her pauldron and made her way through the aboveground graveyard to Octavia's side, just standing next to her quietly. It was many minutes before she spoke.

"Aren't you going to congratulate me like everyone else, Heda?" Her voice was respectful but strained.

"No." Lexa replied simply.

Octavia's brows furrowed as she turned to look at her. "No?" Lexa shook her head a little. "Why not?"

Her voice was gentle but serious when she responded. "There's no glory in killing. Especially children."

Octavia snorted and looked away once more. "Says the girl who sits on a throne just because she managed to survive a child-killing free-for-all."

Lexa barely allowed herself a small smile, vaguely amused by Octavia's casual disrespect. "That's a fair assessment. I had a choice—I could kill or I could die. Sometimes we have to do the most terrible of things just to keep breathing. Or to make sure someone we care about can keep breathing." Octavia glanced at her sideways, listening. "Their blood is not just on your hands, Octavia. It is on mine, on Clarke's, on all of our hands. This is the nature of war; it makes murderers of us all. You can't let it destroy you."

Octavia's expression faltered just a little bit, the mask slipping momentarily, and Lexa, still reeling from Clarke's betrayal and feeling particularly weak in that moment as well, reached out and gently gave her hand a squeeze. "I hope you—and of course Lincoln if you wish—will still consider coming to Polis with us, Octavia kom Trikru."

Octavia softened quickly and cleared her throat, trying to hold in her emotion as she nodded. "It would be an honor, Heda."

_______________________

Octavia sat backwards in a chair, a habit that, for some reason, Lexa found amusing, twirling her knife against her fingertip distractedly while Titus droned on and on to the point where even Indra was tuning him out. She had begun to feel an interesting kinship with Octavia during her weeks here in Polis. As Indra's second, she was privy to far more Polis politics than most, and it had been strangely comforting to have someone her own age around; especially someone who was respectful (most of the time) but acted more like an equal than a subject.

It had recently begun weighing on Lexa more than usual that she did not have any friends. The natblidas she'd grown up with had, of course, died—several of them at her own hand—excepting Luna, who had fled. Costia had really been her only friend; the only person who was ever willing to challenge her without backing down, someone she could speak freely with and even laugh with. She'd felt the same way with Clarke before.. Everything. Still, it was a bit different when you were romantically involved, too.

But since coming to Polis, she and Octavia had bonded over many things, including being raised in a cage, told who to be, and, particularly at the moment, being tired of Titus' sour disposition. From her throne, she glanced at Octavia once more, who imitated talking with her hand while rolling her eyes. Lexa bit her lower lip to try to keep her smile at bay, thankful that Titus seemed to be wrapping up his point for the third time.

"That said, may I now send riders to deliver the kill order to the clans, Heda?"

Lexa sighed in annoyance. "Titus, how many times will we argue this?"

"Until you issue the order. This Clarke made you look weak, violating a truce she herself initiated. You must strike her down befo—"

"Issuing a kill order is a stupid idea that's definitely gonna make the Commander look weak," Octavia snapped, immediately looking surprised that she'd said it out loud. Indra, Titus, and the security detail at the doors all stared Octavia down with occasional glances towards Lexa for a reaction.

Lexa sat back, folding her hands in her lap. "What do you mean, Octavia? Ron ai ridiyo op."

Octavia looked mildly nervous, but cleared her throat and sat up a little straighter. "A kill order makes it look like Lexa can't even take her on herself, which we all know is gapa-skrish. Like she's gotta get someone else to do her dirty work for her? Especially when that dirty work is a soft blond chick from outer space."

Titus was fuming as he faced off with Octavia. "Appalling and disrespectful language aside, being that you're so well-versed in being a leader, what would you suggest? That the Commander wander the forest to hunt down the Skygirl herself?"

Unimpressed by his attitude, Octavia just continued spinning the tip of the knife against her fingertip and shrugged. "Make it a bounty. Let everyone else do the hunting and kampa granen and bring her to you instead."

Titus' ears were turning red and Lexa was enjoying his distress far more than a Commander should; and from the looks of it, Indra was fairly amused as well. "You suggest this because you are also Skaikru, your interest is in saving your people, Skygirl! Nothing more!" Titus was yelling now, his face uncomfortably close to hers and his hand going for his dagger.

Lexa opened her mouth to intervene before they came to blows, but Octavia had already pushed the chair over and gotten her knife to his throat before he'd even managed to unsheathe his weapon. She put her face directly in his and said with a very firm and quiet confidence, "I am no Skygirl, Fleimkepa. I am Octavia kom Trikru, second to Trikru Chief Indra, junior attendant to Heda Leksa kom Trikru. And my people are here in Polis and back in Tondc." She took the knife and put it back on her hip before picking her chair up and taking her seat once more.

Titus looked flustered, Indra looked proud, and Lexa couldn't remember the last time she'd enjoyed something so much. She did her best to gather her composure. "So it shall be. Titus, send riders with word of the bounty and the drawings from Lincoln. Anyone found to be helping or harboring Clarke kom Skaikru will be subject to a kill order. As will anyone who kills or injures her. I want her delivered to me alive and unharmed." Titus opened his mouth and she put her hand up in annoyance. "Enough, Titus. Those are my orders."

Mollified, he lowered his head. "Yes, Heda."

"Now leave me."

Lexa watched everyone file out for a moment before calling out. "Octavia, stay." She obediently turned around and came back in, just lifting an eyebrow when Titus's muffled but very annoyed voice echoed from the hallway. Lexa smirked as well, standing and going to the balcony to look over the city as she often did. "Join me."

Octavia came up next to her, leaning on the railing. "You're not gonna kick me off the tower or something, are you?"

"I have not done that to anyone in several months, no matter what you've heard." Octavia smiled, digging the tip of her knife into the railing. "I wanted to thank you for your input today. Every day, really. You've been an invaluable member of my council."

Octavia's eyes lowered a little, her cheeks flushing. "That.. That means a lot coming from you, Heda."

"Just Lexa is fine." She shrugged a little. "There's nobody else here. And we.. We're friends."

She'd meant that to be a statement, but it had sounded smaller and sadder than she intended, and she felt her cheeks go red with embarrassment.

Octavia was quiet for a moment, staring out over Polis before she responded. "It's okay. I'm not.. Really used to having a friend, either. I mean, Lincoln is different, and Bellamy kinda had to be my friend."

Lexa leaned on the railing next to her. "I had a brother and a sister, as well."

"Had?"

"They were part of my conclave," she said softly, her eyes shifting in the direction of Tondc.

Octavia just shifted a little closer to her, gently bumping their arms together on the railing. "Some pair, aren't we? The Nightblood and the Girl Under the Floor."

Lexa gestured out at the seemingly endless expanse of land that lay far below them. "You're not under the floor any longer."

Octavia smiled; a genuine one that ran from ear to ear before looking out at their surroundings again. "You can say that again."

"You're not under the floor any longer."

Octavia chuckled a little, bumping her shoulder again affectionately. "You're a good friend, Lexa. I'm lucky."

Lexa smiled as well. "As am I."
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Gravity | Book I: Amidst the Chaos