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Scully, Where's My Car	By : Beaverhausen13 Category: S through Z > X-Files Views: 1019 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files. I make no money from this. Fo' shotally.

Chapter List
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                       The Video

               (Voiceover of Spacejew takes precedence over all the mayhem taking place. The backdrop is all falling glitter, a mass crush of loud bodies, and techno bass bumping in the background)
               (Spacejew's voice) "I'm here at Saturday Night Madness, the weekly hoedown to end all hoedowns. Looks like everyone's having a good time, I sure am."
                A beercan is held up to the lens to emphasize his statement, then Pepper and Nicole dance into view.
               (Spacejew's voice) "Hey, it's two wild and crazy girls!"
                Pepper laughs, her and Nicole making faces at the camera, "Spacejew! My baby!" Pepper says, doing a pignose.
                Nicole smiles sweetly, "Hi Jew!" the camera shakes a little and Spacejew laughs.
                "No fair, no ass grabs while I man the camera!"
                "Blahblblblblblah!" Nicole growls, jumping up and down.
                (Scully's voice, sounding far away) "Bitchin'! Video camera! Ooh!"
                 Pepper's hand covers the lens briefly, then pulls away, "I've always wanted to do that!" she laughs, her entire face in close-up. She pulls away, and Mulder and Scully stagger into view, Scully dragging an equally slit-eyed Mulder over to Pepper and Nicole.
                 "Hey, there you are!" Mulder slurs.
                 Nicole giggles, "Do we know you guys?"
                 "No, but that's where you are, you're there!" Scully chortles, clapping Mulder on the back.
                 "Yes, dude, you guys rock!" Pepper laughs, jumping in excitement.
                 Scully very obviously gives Pepper the once-over, "Hey, you're cute. My name's Dana and I'm a punch-a-holic." she giggles, falling a bit into Mulder, "This is my pal, Fox. He's a punch-a-holic, too."
                 Nicole and Pepper look at each other, "Exstacy punch! No wonder!" Nicole laughs.
                 Pepper looks into the camera and mouths, "She's so cute!" then turns back to Mulder and Scully, "Nice meeting you; I'm Pepper and this is my homegirl, Nicole, and that's our resident cameraman, Spacejew."
                 "Space-Jewwwww." Mulder slurs, drawing out the name in a slow, wasted manner.
          (cut scene)
                 Scene cuts back into a mass of dancing bodies, some of which are adorning glowy things, and all are dancing to Fatboy Slim's "Gangster Tripping". Lakeisha and Courie are shot into view, making faces at the camera as it passes them and moves to Jimmy, cutting into view and flipping off the lens, before making its way through the sea of people to focus on its final destination, Scully and Pepper, dancing suggestively and making out heavily, Pepper's hand slipping up Scully's back, revealing her hoopsnake tattoo.
                 (Spacejew's voice) "My favorite Lesbian and her new conquest. Nice." he comments, zooming in on the two redheads furiously making out. The camera stays on them for about five more minutes, Spacejew providing commentary the entire time, colorizing the scene with such phrases as "Wow, that's talent.", "Yum yum, give me some." and "This is definitely the hottest thing on video." as the two redheads remain kissing and fondling.
                      (cut scene)
                 Hammer, Jimmy, Pepper, Scully, Nicole, Lakeisha, Nick, Dorothy, Katie, and about twelve other people are standing in a circle around Mulder, holding an enormous beerbong, and a guy with long blond hair wearing Polo gear holding two forty ounces of Mickey's Malt Liquor.
                (Spacejew) "This is one of those moments that will go down in party history. Fox, the new guy, has just been dared by Hammer to beerbong not one but TWO forties on ONE sitting. We've got Herbman, everyone's favorite emperor of weed to help him out. Let's see if he does it."
                "You can do it, Fox!" Dorothy hollers.
                Mulder makes a face at the camera, his thumb plugging the tube as Herbman begins to fill the funnel. He empties both forties and taps the foam to the surface, and the camera closes up on Mulder's face as he brings the plastic tube to his mouth.
                "CHUG!CHUG!CHUG!" Everyone in the circle chants this litany over and over again until Mulder drinks until foam shows in the plastic tubing. A new chant is started by Hammer after the crowd howls in amazement. "BEER-BONG KING! BEER-BONG KING!" the crowd says over and over again, clapping a shit-eating grinning Mulder on the back.
                (Spacejew) "I can't believe he just did that! Beer-Bong King reigns supreme!"
                     (cut scene)
                 Close up of Spacejew's perma-grinned face. There's mayhem behind him, everyone is hooting and catcalling, and Lil' Kim's "How many Licks" has begun to blare in the background. "Alright, the Wet T-shirt contest is commencing right now, but I've been too wasted to record, so, here's the rest of it."
                 The camera pans to a line of women dressed in tight white t-shirts. Among those women are Angelina, Bubbles, Pepper, and Scully, and Angelina and Scully are the only two left with dry shirts. Angelina is next, and she dances up to the end of the stage, where two guys with a hose spray the front of her shirt. She does a flirty little dance, spins around, and walks back into place whilst the crowd howls.
                 The final contestant, Scully, is weaving side to side in her place in line in pure wasted fashion. She falls to the ground and crawls on her hands and knees to the edge of the stage, arching her back sinuously as the guys spray her down. Then it's as if something in her snaps, and she goes ballistic, moving with grace and motion across the entire stage, keeping her dance seductive but making it fast and furious at the same time. The camera follows as she jumps off the stage altogether and onto a nearby table seating Dorothy, Hammer, and Kate, and proceeds to give them an incredibly hot three-minute dance while the rest of the crowd screams in delight. Freddie hops up onstage with a mic, "The masses have decided! Yo, give up the mad props for Sexy Tabledancer! Word." He motions to Scully, who has started to weave her way back to the line. Nicole and another girl with short cropped hair and thickly lashed blue eyes approach Scully with a crown and some roses. "Here's last week's winner, Rachel, and the Lovely Nicole." Nicole growls, "Rblalalalala!"
                  Scully's expression is of pure elation when they place the crown on her head. "Did I win?" she asks.
                  "Yeah dude." Nicole laughs.
                  "Yeah! I'm Miss America! I'm the winner! Fucking Trippy!" she slurs, raising her fist in the air. "You guys were all great, but *I'm* the winner!" she hollers at the other contestants.
                  The crowd cheers and all of them begin chanting, "Table-DANCE! Table-DANCE, Table-DANCE!" over and over, and this prompts Scully to start dancing again, her crown perched on her head as she swings her roses over her head like a lasso and moves her body in a similar fashion.
                   (Spacejew) "Man, this chick is mad crazy!"
                   (Nick, also off-camera) "Not to mention hot. She's spamtastic."
                    (cut scene)
                   Mulder and Scully are sitting in a distant corner on a large purple plastic inflatable chair, their foreheads pressed together and caressing each other's arms.
                   (Spacejew) "And these are the days of our lives. Let's move in closer on this action."
                    The camera moves (with a snickering Spacejew heard off-camera) forward a few feet until they are within earshot.
                    "Your arms feel cool." Scully giggles, "Rip-play."
                    Mulder chuffs out a laugh himself, "Your arms feel soft and silky. Also cool."
                    "What was those drops Nicole gave us again?" Scully asks lightheartedly, rolling her forehead across Mulder's.
                    "Mescaline, I think." Mulder answers, sucking in a breath as Scully's fingers start walking up his thigh.
                    "I like it. It's niiiice." she draws out her last word, moving her other arm up to rest on his shoulder, "You're cute." she giggles airily.
                    "Wow, and you're beautiful." Mulder laughs, locking eyes with hers, "How do you do it?"
                    "Do what?"
                    (Spacejew starts humming the theme to "Gone with the Wind")
                    "Well, every second I look at you, you get more breathtaking. It's amazing." Mulder answers in wasted awe.
                     Scully smiles brightly, "I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Mulder." she slurs.
                    Suddenly, she's up on her knees and straddling his lap, her mouth clashing forcefully with his. Mulder is only too happy to respond, his hands immediately going up and under her skirt to cup her ass.
                    (Spacejew) "Now we're *getting* somewhere! The night's two biggest celebrities, hot and heavy and hitting the plastic!" he begins to make porno music noises as Mulder shifts Scully under him, still kissing her furiously against the inflated arm of the chair, and cups her left breast. Scully lets out a small moan, "Mmmmm, that feels nice." she smiles, taking his bottom lip between her teeth and pulling him back into another hot kiss.
                     "Man, I am so in love with you." Mulder says between breaths.
                     Scully pulls him back down and curls her legs around his waist as they continue their heated make-out session.
                     (cut scene)
                    Pepper is riding Hammer piggyback, accompanied by Nicole chartering Nick's back, the four passing the lens and yelling, "Afterparty! Hoop-LA!"
                    (Spacejew) "The party is winding down, and everyone is heading over to Dorothy and the Kings of Weed for the Afterparty." he explains, as a parade of people pass the lens. A bright light flashes outside the warehouse, and a roar is heard, "Oh great, those cultists are back."
                     A group of bald men wearing robes are zoomed in on, entering through a side door.
                     (Spacejew continues) "These guys are crazy! They worship the force of light or some shit. I talked to them once. They wanted me to convert to their ways and shit, and I hear you get a sweet ass bike out of the deal, because they only tool around on motorcycles, but I just ain't down with wearing those ugly ass robes. Rough! They show up every weekend and end up conning idiot kids on exstacy into leaving their shoes and joining this cult." he rambles on drunkenly, "DUDE! That's another thing! They never wear shoes! I could never *do* that, man. Well, this party's laming out, so I’m cuttin' til the afterparty."
                      (cut scene)
                       Nicole is making faces into the camera with Courie and Bubbles. They are now in a small living room with two couches, a chair, and about seventeen other people crowded in the small space. The room is clouded with smoke and the camera focuses in on a joint being handed from Herbman, the guy that helped Mulder with the beerbong earlier, to a husky blond boy with a half-smile and dazed expression on his face.
                       (Spacejew) "We're here at the afterparty held by the Kings. Hey Goober, what's happening?"
                        "Spacejew! Haven't seen you in a grip!" Goober says, holding up a glass, "Dude, go help yourself to some rum and coke. We got Captain, too, so go for it."
                       (cut scene)
                     Camera pans around a larger bedroom area, with two beds, a papasan chair, a couch, and a glass end table in the center of the room. Pepper and a tan boy with bleached hair are kneeling over the table, working on a pile of weed, Scully and Mulder are making out in the papasan chair, and Courie, Lakeisha, Herbman, Spacejew, Hammer, Angelina, and Kate are lounging on the rest of the furniture, passing alternately a bong and a fat joint in succession. Nicole is heard off-camera gobbling like a turkey, and after a few seconds it's understood that she is now manning the camera.
                      (Nicole's voice) "Alright dude, right now I'm in the weed room. We're all getting bla-zayed. Everybody in the weed room yell HO!"
                      Everyone, including the otherwise engaged Mulder and Scully, raise their fists in the air, "HO!" they all yell in unison.
                      Mulder and Scully get back to their match of tonsil hockey, and Nicole giggles off camera as she focuses on them and obviously hits a joint at the same time. "Somebody's going home with someone tonight." she chokes out, then zooms in on them and makes sucking and slurping noises for five seconds before swinging the camera around and focusing anew on Pepper and the boy, "Pepper, Robbie! Are you guys almost done with that J or not, dude? That other one's almost a roach, man!" she half-whines as Pepper makes faces at her, "We've gotta keep the circle strong, man! It's nothing if it's not strong!" she yells in mock-conviction.
                    Pepper holds up an even fatter joint than the first, "How's that, Dude?" she giggles.
                     (cut scene)
                      Outside shot of Pepper and Dorothy with their arms around Spacejew.
                     (Nicole's voice) "End Scene...and Action!
                     Pepper smiles, "Alright, we had a kick ass time tonight..."
                     "Got wasted," Dorothy cuts in.
                     "And now most everyone's either passed out or gone home." Spacejew finishes.
                     (Nicole) "So until next time..." she says in a small, demented voice.
                      "Be good to yourself..." Dorothy laughs.
                      "And each other." Pepper doubles over.
                      Spacejew walks up to the camera and puts his hand over the lens, "And we're done." his voice says.
                       END TAPE
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Scully, Where's My Car