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Trespass	By : kattanon Category: S through Z > The Shield Views: 2004 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Shield, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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- 32
Disclaimer: - I don�t own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Trespass Chapter 31.
Vic had driven out along the coastal highway, and had eventually pulled off the road and parked up at a spot overlooking a deserted beach. He gazed out over the calm sea, watching the sunlight dancing over the gentle swell of the waves as they raced towards the shore. He wound down his window and breathed in the salty air, filling his lungs with it, hoping it would help to clear his mind. He desperately needed to think.
God, Dutch had been afraid of him. He�d pulled his hand away from Vic�s, the touch obviously disgusting him. Of course Vic could hardly blame him. He�d been an idiot for letting himself believe Aceveda and Claudette when they�d both assured him that Dutch wouldn�t blame him for what he�d forced on him that night. Vic should have relied on his own judgement over the matter. He�d known, deep down that Dutch could have no opinion other than to see him as a rapist. Vic had wanted Aceveda and Claudette to be right so badly that he�d ignored his own common sense, and now look at what had happened. He�d hurt Dutch again. If he�d been sensible he�d have stayed away, but instead he�d made Dutch have to face him. The poor guy had had to wake up and find himself confronted by the man who�d betrayed him and used him. He�d woken up to find that man touching him. Vic�s stomach rolled as he tried to imagine how awful that must have made Dutch feel.
Then there had been the blaring sound of the alarm on the heart monitor going off and the sudden rush of the nurses as they�d hurried into the room. Christ, for all Vic knew he could�ve caused some physical harm, as well as psychological harm. It was a mess, a complete mess, and it didn�t look like there were going to be any easy solutions. After all if Dutch felt this way about him how could they ever work together again. Dutch wouldn�t be able to stand the sight of him, let alone trust him to watch his back during a bust. If he couldn�t find some way to fix this one of them would have to leave The Barn. Vic knew that by all rights that person should be him as he was the guilty party. What would that mean for the Strike Team, for the way things were run on the streets of Farmington?
Considering the professional repercussions was one thing, Vic wasn�t too sure if he wanted to dwell on the personal repercussions if Dutch hated him now. His feelings for Dutch had been kind of shadowy, and mostly unacknowledged. He�d known they were there, but he�d usually been able to blithely ignore them.
Dutch had always registered on Vic�s radar rather more than most of their other colleagues. It had been the growing respect he�d found for Dutch when he�d witnessed his passion to find Sally�s killer that had forced Vic to finally realize that his feelings for Dutch weren�t entirely only professional.
Vic had always known that he liked men as well as women, and he was completely comfortable with that knowledge. However, his experience with men had mostly been in his late teens and early twenties, before he�d met Corrine. Since he�d been with Corrine he�d only been with women. He smiled a little bitterly at the thought that maybe Corrine would be relieved to know he�d only ever cheated on her with women. Then again maybe not.
While he�d been married there�d been a couple of guys he�d looked at, but never anyone he�d worked with, until Dutch that is. The macho world he inhabited in his job just didn�t cope well with anything that stepped outside of its narrow parameters concerning what was "normal". So while his affair with Danny was considered perfectly acceptable, a relationship with a fellow male officer most certainly wouldn�t be. He�d seen how Julian Lowe had torn himself apart trying to hide his homosexuality from everyone. Until he�d tried to hide it from himself by getting married and trying to conform. Vic felt kind of sad for the guy, because while he himself was bisexual he was pretty sure that Julian wasn�t. Of course orientation was another reason he�d tried to ignore his feelings for Dutch, since he was pretty sure Dutch was straight.
Still something Julian had said to Vic once, concerning his homosexuality, had rung true for Vic concerning his feelings towards Dutch � "I push it down it goes away, but then it comes back stronger." No matter how much Vic pushed his feelings away, and tried to ignore them, every now and then they�d suddenly surface and catch him off guard.
Vic remembered when Dutch finally cracked the Sally case. He remembered walking into the observation room curious to know what everyone was watching, only for Shane to tell him "Sherlock Holmes here is getting smoked." He hadn�t been able to resist sitting down and watching Dutch work. Nor had he been to to keep the smile from his face as he�d listened to Taylor confess, and as he�d noted the mocking tone gone from Shane�s voice as he�d murmured "Jesus Christ." Vic had made sure he�d been amongst the first to offer his congratulations, and to shake Dutch�s hand. Then, of course, there�d been that mess with Ben Gilroy. When, admittedly with an ulterior motive, he�d offered to help Dutch with the case. Vic hadn�t been able to stop himself from feeling gratified at the surprised, but pleased, look on Dutch�s face when he had. He also hadn�t been able to resist touching Dutch�s sder der as he�d walked behind him, and if his hand had lingered a little too long Dutch hadn�t seemed to notice. However, Vic had noticed and had endeavored to keep his hands to himself after that, in case he got to enjoy the contact a little too much, and began to crave it. Of course then everything in his life had been over-shadowed by first losing his family, and trying to get them back, only to lose them again when he�d had to move out of home and move into that roach infested hotel.
Then Prescott and Tortora had come slamming into their lives, bastards. Vic hadn�t been able to resist Dutch�s offer of a place to stay, and although in one sense he wished he had, in another he was glad he hadn�t. he he hadn�t been there that night Dutch would�ve had to face that ordeal alone, and what would have happened? Either Tortora would have lost control just as he had done, and so Dutch would have been hurt just as badly as he had been. In which case, without Vic there to call an ambulance, he would probably have died from the internal bleeding before anyone wondered why he hadn�t shown up for work, and more than likely, a worried Claudette had gone to his house to find out what was wrong. The thought of Claudette having to walk into that bedroom and find her partner raped and beaten to death made Vic shudder. Even if that hadn�t happened Vic had a strong suspicion that Dutch would never have reported the attack, and would�ve tried to deal with it on his own. What would that have led to, a breakdown, or worse, suicide? Vic didn�t even want to think about that.
However, ifhadnhadn�t been there at least they wouldn�t be in this situation now. At least he wouldn�t be feeling like this. God, Vic wondered would this guilt ever abate? The guilt for not doing anything, for not helping Dutch when he needed it. The guilt for Vic�s feelings of relief, no matter how brief they�d been, that it had all been happening to Dutch and not to him. Then the guilt that up to this point he�d been denying even to himself. The guilt for forcing on Dutch something, that if Vic was truthful with himself, he�d fantasized about a couple of times. Jesus, no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he�d had no choice in what he�d done, it couldn�t detract from that thrill of excitement he�d felt course through him when he�d opened his eyes, and looked down to see Dukneekneeling at his feet giving him a blow job. He�d thought that if he�d pretended it was Corrine and not Dutch it might help him keep control. However, when he�d opened his eyes, and looked down it had been the sight of Dutch there that had been the catalyst which had tipped him over into orgasm. What kind of a person was he? He had feelings for Dutch and yet had orally raped him, and cum while doing it. He could remember Prescott whispering in his ear that night, telling him that Vic looked like the kind of person who liked to take what he wanted. Had that monster seen a kindred spirit in Vic? No, he couldn�t believe that, he might have hae oce occasional fantasy, but they had never featured any kind of coercion on his part. He might have wanted Dutch, but it had always been consensual.
Then he�d erroneously thought that if he made Prescott and Tortora pay that that would somehow make it all alright. That it would cancel out the wrong he�d done to Dutch. As if anything could ever do that.
With a sigh Vic turned the key in the ignition and turned his car back towards LA. It would probably still be a little while before Dutch got out of hospital and back to work, so Vic still had some time to try and figure out what he was gong to do.
*
As he approached Dutch�s house Vic couldn�t prevent the little grimace that crossed his face when he saw Claudette sitting in her parked car outside. He pulled up into the drive, and got out of his car, purposely avoiding looking at her, although hearing a car door slam shut he knew she�d gotten out of her car too. Although he really wanted to hear her tell him that Dutch was ok, he was also afraid that wouldn�t be the news she was bringing him.
Knowing he was being horribly rude, but not caring just as long as it put off this conversation for a few minutes more, Vic didn�t stop to wait for Claudette, but walked up to the front door. He opened it up and went inside, leaving it open for Claudette to follow him.
He�d just taken a long drink from a cold bottle of water he�d gotten from the fridge, when he sensed Claudette�s presence watching him from the kitchen doorway.
"Where have you been?" She asked him.
Typical Claudette Vic thought grimly, no idle conversation just get straight to the point,
"Around," he replied and then added, because he felt guilty taking his worries and frustrations out on her, "I went for a drive out to the ocean, I just wanted to clear my head...think for a while."
He finally turned around to find Claudette regarding him coolly as she asked,
"Did you come to any startling conclusions?"
"Only that it looks like Dutch isn�t going to be quite as forgiving as you and Aceveda thought he would, and shit who can blame him. I can�t see how we�re going to be able to work together if he can�t trust me can you?" Vic told her, thinking that if she could be straight talking so could he. Although he realised he didn�t sound quite so forthright when he asked her, "How is he? How was he when you left?"
"Asleep, he was pretty upset, agitated, so the doctor sedated him."
"Christ," Vic said wiping a hand down his face, and feeling suddenly very tired. He leant back against a counter top and said, "I knew I should�ve stayed away, but I just wanted to see him, see for myself that he really was getting better�Christ what a selfish bastard."
"It isn�t what you�re thinking Vic, Dutch isn�t mad at you."
"No the poor guy�s scared of me, after what I did to him who can blame him."
Taking a couple of steps further into the room, her eyes never leaving him Claudette told him,
"He was scared, but not for the reasons you think."
Not understanding what Claudette meant Vic frowned and asked her,
"What are you talking about?"
"He thought you were dead Vic."
"What?" Vic exclaimed.
"After you ran off, and he�d partially calmed down I managed to get it out of him. He thought they�d killed you, and he suddenly wakes up and there you are. The drugs are making him confused at the best of times, I should have thought, told him you were all right, but it just didn�t occur to me. I think he thought you�d come back to haunt him or something." Her voice became more somber as she added, "He said he�d failed you, that he�d tried to play the game, but it hadn�t been enough to save you. He started getting really upset again, and the doctor stepped in and gave him the sedative. I told him you were alive, but I�m not exactly sure if he believed me or not. You have to come back to the hospital and sort this out Vic."
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- 31
- 32
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Trespass