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Whipped	By : This_is_The_Phantom_Lady Category: S through Z > Sherlock (BBC) > Sherlock (BBC) Views: 3753 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: This contains major triggers for people with issues with self-harm. I do not own or profit on any official BBC Sherlock characters or any other part of BBC Sherlock.

Chapter List
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After my ordeal was over she gently helped me to lie down again and reapplied the cold cloth.
She took care not to apply too much pressure.
“Get some rest, sweetie” she ran her fingers through my hair.
I shuddered at her touch…
Most of all I wanted to have the strength tell her to leave me the hell alone right now. Her touch felt so alien.
I was not okay.
This was not okay. Anything but this…
The weakness was overpowering me once more.
That sadness and that lost feeling was overwhelming me; like a big scary monster that was eating me up from the inside out.
The monster gnawing on the sorry remains of my confidence.
What it left behind was a painful and massive cold knot in the very pit of my stomach and I just wanted to sob myself back to sleep in the hope that when I woke none of this would have actually happened.
Or at least hope it could dislodge the lump of ice. Not even the fire that was still smouldering from by back could melt it.
It had to be a nightmare. A twisted one at that.
“Do you want me to turn the TV on for you before I leave? I’ve got some matters to attend to today…” she slid back to her feet gracefully.
She was always poised no matter what. Oh I envied her.
She switched her moods so expertly; there was no transition period between strict and mean, and her being sweet and showing concern.
I couldn’t keep up with her.
“Thank you” I choked on my gratitude.
The nausea couldn’t leave me either.
“Kate left a sandwich for you in the fridge, I could be busy for a while.” She informed me before she turned the TV on; even finding the science channel for me…
How very observant of her.
She closed the door behind her as she left.

…

I knew there were cameras watching my every move; but the second I was alone I began wailing into the pillow.
The tears wouldn’t stop once again… once I finally let myself be overtaken by them there was no stopping it.
The tears were a powerful force of their own.
My fingernails dug into the pillow as I whimpered like the dog she had treated me as earlier.
I was trying to hold onto something at least.
The pillow became my life ring keeping me from sinking to the gross old bottom.
The desperate days came back to me… the sick thoughts and knowing just how messed up I had been.
It all flooded in like dark water through every crack and crevasse.
A memory flashed before me, one of those from the very bottom of the salty lake I was trying not to drown in.
I saw myself sitting there; pale and dressed in black; right in the middle of one of my worst nightmares… a math lesson.
For every wrong answer I gave the teacher I swallowed a pill… not even helping them along with water. They burned my throat and I struggled not to cough.
The teacher must have thought I was simply eating innocent candy.
It was a self-implemented punishment.
And I didn’t care if I lived or died… I was punishing myself for being stupid.
Punishing myself for feeling stupid, rather.
It was a desperate attempt at relieving that painful pressure that always seemed to be inside of me… I felt like I weighed a ton.
This was why I was staying with Miss A. This was why I held back on my safe words…
She was my punishment for my stupidity.
I needed to be set straight. The newly wrapped bandage I was sobbing into was a good proof that I still needed to be controlled.
The revelation stopped the tears somehow…
I just lay there… tried to listen to the program on the TV. I was facing away from the screen but it was enough for me to listen to it. My mind caught a break as it was trying to put pictures to the words
It eventually lulled me to sleep.

…

When I woke again I found the strength to get on my feet.
I was restless.
On the dresser I found a dress and I held it up.
It was a loose dress and I slipped it on before I went for a walkabout in her home…
I needed to stretch my legs, I didn’t exactly have a heading. I walked slowly; perhaps I had better stay in bed.
I heard the whack of what I assumed was her riding crop when I passed her bedroom and stopped dead in my tracks.
“Have you been wicked your highness?” Miss A.’s voice came clear through the door and sounded like a whip all on its own.
“Yes Miss Adler” a female voice replied… Kate? No, this was someone else…
I blinked. In my head I had assumed her clients were all male.
What was that? Jealousy?
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