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The Bargaining Chip	By : ihatethesnow Category: S through Z > The Walking Dead Views: 3919 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Walking Dead or any characters. I will not be making any money from this story.

Chapter List
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Rick woke up hours later and his first instinct was panic when she wasn't next to him. He got out of bed and ran to look in the bathroom, but then when he headed to the kid's bedrooms he saw her sitting on the sofa.
She had opened the bottle of wine and her words were starting to slur, and she flinched when he sat down next to her.
"You're alright. I'm not gonna hurt you. Nobody's gonna hurt you again. I promise."
"Shannon told me to tell you everything. She said it would help."
Her hand shook as she took another sip from the bottle of wine. "They started by tying my wrists together, and hanging them from a hook hanging from the ceiling." Lori started, her voice monotonous as if in a trance. Her voice cracked, and she swallowed to clear it. "They'd let the rope go and I'd fall to the floor. That's when the rapes got worse. I didn't know how many. There were so many. I didn't know how long I was there, more than a month I think. It was hard to keep track of the days."
She paused to stifle a sob, drowning it in wine and anger. "They wanted me to tell them where everyone was. I could hear Maggie's screaming from the next room. I couldn't' do that. I didn't want to risk it. Not for you and the kids. I said I was by myself, but they told me that I was with Merle, Glenn, Maggie and Michonne."
"Baby, you don't have to do this…" Rick said, softly
"I think it was the fifth day," she started again, as she furiously wiped her hands on her the blanket covering her legs. Rick didn't know if she had heard him, or if she simply couldn't stop now that she had started remembering, but at least she was no longer holding it inside. "It was the fifth gang rape, anyway. After they were done with me they pulled me up again. They started whipping me. I remember one was a belt. I remember my dad's belt, so one was a belt. The other I think was a real whip. It tore my skin. I could feel the blood running down the back of my legs."
Rick wanted to cover his ears, to burst his eardrums and drown her story into silence, but it was too late. Her story took hold of his heart. He wrapped his arms around her, and she reciprocated by grasping onto him. He wasn't sure if he was trying to save her or himself.
An overwhelming breath wracked her chest; he could feel the vibrations through his arms around her torso. "The whipping continued, and I didn't last long before I passed out, maybe ten hits, maybe less. I know there are a lot more scars on my back than that."
He could feel them through the thin fabric of her shirt, but he knew he could never bring himself to count them. Her words had been falling over each other so quickly he almost couldn't follow her story. When she suddenly stopped, he had to pull away and look at her. Tears fell from her eyes to streak her cheeks.
She took a trembling breath, her dead brown pools finding and locking with his steel blue eyes. There he was again, her husband, her protector. Ever since she first started to remember what happened to her as a child, it was his voice that called her name and led her out of the dark void. And he was there before her, right now, so close… "Rick…"
"I'm here," his words confirmed her thoughts. "I'm here, baby. Right here. I'm not going anywhere." He gently placed light kisses on her cheeks and on her forehead, his hands gently rubbing her back and got stuck in her raven locks. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. But I'm here now, and you're safe. It's all over."
He knew most of what happened. He saw most of what happened. But he didn't know the totality of the situation. Rick was rubbing Lori's back, feeling the rough bumps of the scars, as she sobbed into the crook of his arm. Part of him wanted to know what they did to her. Now that he knew, he wished he could erase it from his mind.
"We've been married for almost twenty years. I didn't tell you things about my past because I was afraid that you would run away. My dad...he was a violent drunk, and I was his punching bag. When I was nine he broke my arm. My mom knew, but didn't say anything. One day the dogs were in the back yard. One started humping the other. I remember I was five. I asked him what the dogs were doing, and he pushed me onto the floor and said, 'let me show you.' It hurt, and I cried. He told me that it was our little secret, and that if I told anyone nobody would believe me. Something happened every day. Every day for ten years. But it wasn't just him. He had friends. When I was six, I woke up to a man standing at the end of my bed. The room was dark, but I could see just a little because of the nightlight. I sat up slowly and asked who he was, and when no response came, I got scared. The man walked over to my bed side and told me he was a friend of my father's. Then he brushed me hair behind my ears and told me 'I am doing your father a favor. Now do me one and be a quiet little girl for me.' I didn't say anything. He ran his hand up my leg and under my nightgown and slipped off my Strawberry Shortcake underwear. I clenched my bed sheets and almost tore off my lip from holding in my sobs. He kissed me on the forehead afterwards and told me he'd see me soon and left."
"When I was seven my mom left for the weekend. She didn't tell me, she just left. My father walked into my room with a new man. My father stood by and watched. It hurt, and I cried out for him. The only thing I could see was flashbulbs going off. He was taking pictures. He was laughing. The man told me to stop fighting him. My dad brought in two different men that weekend. When my mom came home she acted like nothing happened."
"When I was eleven a boy five grades higher than me grabbed my hand after school and took me to the back of his car. He told me he heard his father talk highly of me and kissed my neck. He called me his naughty bitch and raped me. He said he loved how quiet I was and told me he'd see me tomorrow. I missed my bus and sat at school for five hours before my English teacher came out and saw me crying and shivering in the cold. She took me home and I asked if I could sit in her car for a couple of minutes before I went in. She nodded and we listened to her radio for another hour before I slowly walked inside. My dad was angry, and when I got home it was the worst night ever. He was so angry it hurt. My mom stayed in the other room and didn't come in to help, even though I was screaming for her."
Rick was in shock, not believing that in twenty years together, this is the first he's ever heard of it.
"When I was thirteen I tried to kill myself. When I got home my father came into my room and shut the door and laid next to me. He rubbed my chest and told me he loved me and knew that I wished he would've been there for me the way that the other men have been. I started shaking and he said he knew I was excited and that he always wanted a taste. He was rough and he was mean and I screamed for the first time begging him to stop. I begged and begged for him to stop. He slapped me across the face and told me I'd never be good enough for any love in my life, so I should be thanking him for giving me the most I'd ever have. I was damaged goods. I'd never find a man who would love me."
"But with my dad...he would punch me until I did what he wanted. He made me give him oral sex. It was disgusting and I threw up. He hit me in the head when I did that. He make me jerk him off. I went to bed with jeans on because it would make it more difficult for him to take my clothes off. It didn't work. He would beat me for that. I used to cry for my daddy but he always acted like I was something on the bottom of his shoe."
"But then I started high school. I was so quiet and shy it hurt. I was terrified when any guy talked to me. I tried to smile and be nice, because I was scared about what would happen if I didn't. Then I this guy started talking to me. He was sweet, and kind, and had these crystal blue eyes. I was so afraid of what he would do that I pushed him away. Months later he was still nice to me and would help me carry my books to my locker, open doors for me, and just be a good guy. He was a sweet guy, and he didn't try to do anything. Then I started to be not as afraid. He made me laugh, and he made me feel safe. I went through so much shit, but this guy...he made me begin to feel normal. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, then after a while he asked to take me to a movie. Neither one of us had a driver's license, so his dad came with us but sat a few rows back. I couldn't focus on the movie because I was in a dark room with some guy I didn't really know, and I was scared. But he didn't try to do anything. Months and years went by, and I found out that when I was in his arms I felt like a nuclear war could happen, but if I was with him everything would be okay. I found myself falling in love. When he was around, I wasn't scared, I felt like I was always safe. I fell in love with him. And every second of our lives together was magic."
"I never told you because I tried to forget about it. I didn't want to remember. It happened so long ago, but sometimes I still remember it like it was yesterday. But I'm scared, Rick. We have three daughters. How can we protect them in a world gone crazy? It was difficult before, but now we have these things walking around. You're such a good man. You're the best husband any woman could ask for. I see how you interact with the girls, and I just wonder why my dad was never nice to me the way you are. You're protective, and loving, and I know they feel safe with you. You love them. You never hit them. You've never hit me. What my father did to me...those wounds cut deeper, and left fiercer scars than any I have gotten in my life. I lie awake at night, and you're sound asleep next to me with your arm around me. But I think of the horror and powerlessness in knowing that our daughters will never be safe. But the rape, and hearing Jessie's name again...it brought it all back. It was always festering right below the surface. I'm sorry I never told you. I don't know what to say. I never told you, but just hearing that bitch's name again. And not knowing why, why this happened. I never told you, and I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."
She was stoic, saying everything bluntly, as if she was reliving it, but was disconnected from the situation.
She felt Rick wrap his arms around her, and he was the one crying, saying over and over how much he loves her, and how sorry he is that she went through what she did. They held each other for a while, before she stood up, and on drunk, wobbly legs she started to walk back to the bedroom. He was by her side, and when they got back to bed the alcohol diminished her inhibitions and she said she wanted him. He knew she wasn't ready. She was still crying. Rather than give in to his primal need, he kissed her on the forehead and lay back as she put her head on his chest to all asleep to the rhythm of his heartbeat.
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The Bargaining Chip