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Trespass	By : kattanon Category: S through Z > The Shield Views: 2004 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Shield, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 31
- 32
- 33
Disclaimer: - I don�t own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.
Trespass Chapter 32

Dutch sat propped up in his hospital bed staring out of the window, watching a solitary white cloud floating across the otherwise clear blue sky. With a sigh he looked back down at the book he held in his hand. It was open, but turned face down. Claudette had brought it in for him a couple of days ago. It was a murder mystery, and although he was only half way through it he was fairly certain that the victim had been shot by that English guy Edward, who was really his long lost cousin, and so stood to inherit the family millions. Classic murder for greed. He was tempted to flick to the last chapter to see if he was right, but then decided that he didn�t really care if he was right or not, so he closed the book, and put it on the table by his bed.
He picked up his watch and looked at the time. Another half an hour until afternoon visiting hours. He was bored and lonely, at least when he�d been up in the ICU there had always been someone coming in and out. Inez or Hannah or one of the other nurses, and they�d always hade toe to talk. Never about anything intrusive, only general stuff, the weather, the Lakers, just ordinary, everyday, normal conversation, and he missed that. Of course for most of the time he�d also been drugged up to the eyeballs so he�d spent a lot of his time either asleep or in a pleasant contented haze, to be honest he kind of missed that too. Not too much ability to think when you can barely remember your own name half the time.
Things were different down here on the surgical floor; he was lucky if he saw anyone from one hour to the next. He was much better now, and so he didn�t need constant monitoring, and so that seemed to mean he was pretty much left on his own most of the time. It also meant he was on a lot less medication, and so his escape into a drugged oblivion was no longer an option, and he found himself with far too much time to think, and he didn�t like to think. Dutch much preferred the world to be superficial these days, he didn�t want to look too deeply into things, and he certainly didn�t want to look too deeply into himself.
So algh hgh he looked forward to some company at visiting time, something to keep his mind occupied, something to stop it wandering into memories that he�d really rather not explore, he was always worried about what the topic of conversation would be. Dutch liked nice, safe topics like he�d had with the nurses in the ICU, the news, sports, but things didn�t always work out that way.
He knew who his visitor was going to be that afternoon, and that knowledge was making him edgy and restless. Vic was coming in and this made Dutch unsettled. It wasn�t that he didn�t like Vic, in fact quite the opposite, since everything that had happened Dutch had seen a side to Vic that he hadn�t known was there. Vic had always been a tough, no nonsense cop, skirting the edge of the rules sometimes but always getting the job done. Of course Dutch had heard certain rumors about some of the things the Strike Team were supposed to get up to, but he�d always t the them with a pinch of salt. Sometimes jealousy of good results could make people try to find fault with someone who was being successful. After all there had been reports in the paper that the team had been involved in stealing drugs, and Dutch had never believed it at the time, and had been proven right when IAD had dropped all the charges. Even Claudette, who had been a little disapproving of Vic at times, seemed to have softened towards him lately, sometimes they evame ame in together to visit, and seemed to get along with each other much better than Dutch could ever remember seeing before. Dutch had worked with Vic a couple of times, the Taylor case, the Gilroy hit and run and land deal scandal, the murders at the women�s refuge. He�d come to respect Vic as a cop during those cases, and had always hoped that the feeling had been mutual. He�d thought it had been, he�d been sure he�d seen a certain something in Vic�s eyes sometimes when he looked at him that spoke of respect. Of course Dutch made sure not to look too closely into Vic�s eyes now, after all what respect could the guy have for him now?
It was one of the things that made Dutch feel so edgy when Vic came to see him; he wasn�t sure why he came at all. He honestly expected Vic to hate him, despise him. After what he done, not only the weakness he�d shown, the degrading things he�d allowed to happen, had participated in, but also what he�d forced on Vic himself, he thought that Vic wouldn�t want to be in the same room with him again. However, it seemed the opposite was true.
He still cringed when he remembered the idiot he�d made of himself the first time he�d seen Vic after he�d woken up in hospital. He�d genuinely been convinced that Vic was dead. So when he�d turned to see who Claudette had brought with her, and had seen Vic standing there, and had looked down and seen his hand on top of his he�d nearly had a heart attack. Jesus, he�d practically become hysterical, and had refused to believe Claudette when she�d assured him Vic was alive and well. After all he�d had drugged nightmares where he�d seen Vic�s still, blood covered face over and over again. Claudette had had to drag the poor man into the hospital so he could prove to him that he was still alive. Then he�d really excelled himself by bursting into tears again. Christ Vic must have thought he was a total loony. Of course there were times when Dutch thought the same thing about himself.
However, if Vic did think Dutch was a little unstable now he certainly hid it well. There was a kind and considerate side to Vic that Dutch had never seen before, but which had certainly come to the fore lately. He�d tried to get Dutch to talk about what had happened, but when it had been apparent to Vic that that was the last thing Dutch wanted, instead of pushing it, as Dutch had expected him to do, he�d immediately backed off. Dutch was grateful for that, if only everyone was so considerate.
Having to give his statement to the two detectives from Westwood had to have been the most humiliating experience of his life. Claudette had offered to be there with him while he did it as support, but as if he�d want her to have to listen to that. Of course he knew that she already knew all the awful details of what had happened, but he really didn�t want her to have to hear him recounting his failure. For that was what he felt like, a complete failure as a cop, and a complete failure as a man. He should�ve been able to defend himself, to stop them. Instead he hadn�t even fought back; he�d just lain there and let them do whatever they�d wanted to him. It had been painfully obvious that that had been the opinion of the two investigating detectives as well. Their contempt for him very nearly matching the contempt he felt for himself. He supposed he should be relieved that the two perps were dead, and so after what had been a pretty cursory statement the matter had been closed.
The fact that the two men who had completely destroyed his life were dead was something that Dutch still wasn�t sure how to feel about. When Captain Aceveda had come into the hospital and told him that they�d killed each other in an argument, all he�d felt had been relief. Now however he wasn�t sure what he felt, no doubt it would be something that the department shrink Dr. Reyes would want to "explore" with him.
God there wasn�t going to be any escape from the whole stinking mess. As much as he wanted to put it behind him, lock it away and not think about it, the more other people wanted to drag it out into the open, and pick it apart one disgusting act after another. Not only the gruesome details of what happened physically, but also how he felt about it at the time, how he felt about it now. On and on and on when all he wanted to do was put it behind him and move on, forget about it. However, apparently he wouldn�t be healed until he�d "journeyed through his feelings". What a load of bullshit. How could he "journey through his feelings" when he didn�t have any to journey through.
Well, Dutch supposed that wasn�t strictly true. He knew how he felt about himself, about his weakness and cowardice. He knew how ashamed and humiliated he felt. Those feelings certainly hadn�t abated with time, but anything else didn�t seem to be there anymore. Dr Reyes kept wanting to "explore" his anger, but try as he might Dutch couldn�t find any. Lord knows he�d looked for it, if only to shut Dr Reyes up, but he�d failed to find it. Yet another failure, because he was pretty sure he should be angry. If he was any kind of man he should be furious, but well the fact that he wasn�t much of a man had been pretty well proven that night. When he looked inside himself to find this multitude of feelings and emotions that Dr Reyes spoke of, Dutch found nothing. It was like staring into the abyss. There was a hollow emptiness inside him that swallowed up more and more of him everyday, until one day Dutch thought there would be nothing of him left. Although he wasn�t sure if that would be a bad thing.
If only Vic hadn�t been there that night. If only he�d kept his stupid mouth shut in the break room, and let Vic get a bad back on Shane Vendrell�s couch. Everything could have been different now. Either he�d be dead right now, so what everyone thought about him, about what had happened wouldn�t matter. Or he could�ve covered it up somehow, then no one would ever of known. He could�ve kept it all a secret, held it within himself and gotten on with his life. Of course it would also have meant he wouldn�t have to face Vic with the knowledge, that this man watched him get raped, that he�d forced oral sex on him, maybe he�d be abl act actually look Vic Mackey in the eye.
Dutch sighed and thought that too much time on his hands alone was leading to far too much thinking, and he tried desperately to find a neutral subject to mull over. He was considering giving up and trying to get some sleep when a knock on the door announced his visitor.
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Trespass