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Darkest Nights	By : Bucken-Berry Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 1451 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU or it's characters and I'm not making money from this.

Chapter List
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It took a half hour for George to be able to stop crying. George almost made himself sick again, but the heartrending sobs eventually stopped, and Elliot was relieved. Elliot hated seeing George like this; George's despair was tearing at every string in his heart.
Once George stopped shaking, breathing less ragged, Elliot leaned forward. "Do you want to go home?" He whispered in George's ear. They still hadn't moved from their parking spot, a few blocks from the courthouse. Miraculously, no one had seen or heard them.
"N-no, I just want to sit here a minute," George said, wincing at the soreness in his throat. His throat was completely raw, as though someone had scraped it with a fingernail. His eyes stung, too; they were red and puffy from his tears. Elliot handed him a water bottle and he took a long drink, letting the water soothe his tight throat. Once he was done, he turned to Elliot. "I still want to try to go grocery shopping with you. I just need a while, if that's okay with you."
Elliot doubted George would be able to complete the task, but he didn't contradict him yet- there were much more important things to worry about. "Of course that's okay with me. God, I'm so sorry…" Elliot said sadly. "I can't imagine what this must be like for you…"
"You don't want to know," George said grimly, closing his eyes and pressing a hand to his chest.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Elliot asked softly.
George's voice cracked from strain, and he ended up just mouthing his answer. "No."
George swallowed visibly and stared at the dashboard, breathing shallowly. He winced and stroked his stomach- Elliot wasn't sure why, but he suspected it was related to the flashback.
Elliot held him tighter, desperate to convey the feelings of love and comfort that couldn't be expressed in words. George's body was drenched in sweat, but he didn't even think of moving. "George, you need to talk about it eventually. It had such an effect on you, and I know I'm hardly one to talk, because I always avoided talking in the past. But it'll be worse if you don't," Elliot said.
"I know." George took several deep breaths. "I know. You're right, of course. I just… I wish…" He closed his eyes in weariness- physical and mental. A tired shrug ended his statement.
"Take as long as you need, okay? I don't want you to have another breakdown and end up making yourself sick again," Elliot said worriedly. Elliot lifted George again, moving him to the passenger's seat. He understood that at this point, George would want his comfort, but from a distance. He kissed George's forehead before moving back, giving George plenty of space.
"The smell of cigarette smoke was the trigger," George began slowly. "It reminded me of a violent attack. Well, they all were violent, but this one was an attack on my mind too. I almost… I almost had forgotten just how bad it was, but `I definitely remember now." He shuddered.
"It was- I can't even guess how soon after I was taken, I lost my sense of time…" George rubbed his chest as he spoke, a habit he'd developed in the hospital. His face held a distant expression, especially because he refused to make eye contact.
"But anyway… It was at least a little later in the time they had me; I know that, because I was still arguing with them, and I did that until they got mad at me and were about to kill me. There were times when I felt more clearheaded, times when I felt stronger, and times when I didn't think I deserved it, and those times, I'd fight back… It was so stupid, because I knew it was risky, but I was arrogant."
"George, you aren't arrogant," Elliot said furiously.
"If you say so…" George muttered, shaking his head to accent his point. "Anyway, I was arguing, and they got furious with me… then they told me they might stop if I agreed with them. I said I deserved it, but then they said I had to tell them why. But I couldn't name a reason. That set them off, and they burned me- then they raped me again-"
He made an almost hysterical noise. "I couldn't talk when they ordered me to say I liked it and I wanted it. They set a hand on my throat, though, so I forced myself, even though I was hardly able to… I said I liked and wanted it."
Elliot sucked in a breath. George closed his eyes, shoulders slumping despondently. "They made me say it again, and they told me to say why, and I still couldn't… He told me he'd help me, and I thanked him- I actually thanked him, because I was so desperate to escape with my life… I repeated everything he said when he explained."
Elliot was having a difficult time listening to George's recount of what had happened. He knew he needed to listen, but it still disturbed him. George had been attacked psychologically, almost more than he had been physically. Broken bodies could heal- but minds were much more complicated. Elliot didn't even know if he had the ability to help George anymore. George hadn't told him it was that bad- but now that he knew…
How did George have any semblance of sanity left? How was he able to do anything, let alone a trial where he had to see his attackers every day? And before that, he'd gone alone, in the room, with Keyes- and that explained all the psychological tactics that Keyes had used. Suddenly Elliot realized that it hadn't just been a last-ditch effort from Keyes; it had been a much more deliberate psychological attack.
Elliot felt awed at George's resilience, and that increased his sadness and anger, because George shouldn't have had to endure so much. George's words, "Because that's my lot in life?" suddenly rang in his ears, and he agreed- though it wasn't fair. But that was what seemed to be happening to George, non-stop, and it wasn't right.
Elliot gently squeezed George's sides. "Of course you were desperate; you didn't want them to succeed. You're strong, and you refused to be broken, so you did what you had to, to stay alive. They've done a lot of damage, but- you're alive," Elliot said.
George didn't respond to Elliot's voice; he just continued his explanation as soon as he'd taken a few deep breaths. Elliot wasn't sure if George really registered that he was there, but he wasn't going to stop George from talking.
"I became frantic... They asked if I understood, and I said I did, because I honestly thought saying what they wanted to hear would satisfy them. But that made them even angrier, and they said they knew I was lying to them, and I became hysterical, so they burned me again, and made me lie on the burn..."
Elliot let out a shocked, distressed, furious shout at the words. They had- it made him sick. He clenched his hands into fists, but forced himself to continue to listen.
George shuddered heavily. "I realized my mistake, and I knew how close they were to losing their patience with me, and I still wanted to live, so I begged for my life, tried to convince them not to kill me…" George pressed his hand more firmly to his stomach, continuing to stroke the scarred burn through his shirt.
Tears formed in George's eyes again, and Elliot was about to tell him to stop, that George had said all he needed to know, but George continued speaking before he could. Elliot decided that letting George finish would probably be best, now that he had started- even though both of them were struggling.
"They pressed the knife against my jugular, and I was so terrified- I was sure that was it, and I was never going to see anyone I loved again… I resigned myself, but then they stopped and told me I had one more chance, but if I fought them again, it was over. They stabbed my shoulder, not deep enough to be lethal- as always- but enough to make me feel weak. And they burned me again... Elliot, they just about used me as an ashtray," George said painfully.
"But then they left, and I passed out soon after… I started agreeing with what they said, when they asked me to, and that's why I believe it now. That I deserve it, I mean. I believed them then- I hated them, and I was disgusted by them, and I didn't like what they were doing, but I became convinced that I deserve it. And now I can't change my mind… but- the whole reason I said that, and became convinced of it, was to persuade them to keep me alive, but it wasn't long at all before I wished they would just kill me. Honestly, I was about to beg for them to get it over with and kill me… But then I went into septic shock and they left me on the road…" George's voice was barely louder than a choked whisper by the time he finished explaining.
Shivers ran down Elliot's spine. "Good god…" Elliot said shakily. He wondered how George had held up this long; most victims would have caved long before this. Not to mention the fact that Elliot, even with all his years of experience as a sex crimes detective, was having a hard time just hearing the explanation, and George was the one who had actually experienced it. He wondered, briefly, if George had already broken, but was hiding it. But there wasn't anything he could do about that- though he wanted to fix it, desperately. He swallowed visibly.
"Can I… look again? The scars?" Elliot whispered. George shuddered, but nodded, lifting his shirt to let Elliot see. Elliot winced when he saw the grotesque marks. He remembered seeing George's injuries and being dismayed by the burns, along with everything else, and he'd wondered what had happened when they'd burned him. He wasn't sure if he preferred not having a story to go with the image.
Elliot's eyes became wet as he reached out and touched the dark, circular scars. He couldn't stop picturing what it must have been like- George crying out as he was raped, then becoming terrified from the way they burned him, and pleading for his life, Keyes and the others laughing at him and forcing him to lie on the second-degree burn…
A second degree burn without medication, or at least burn lotion, was bad enough, but they had burned him more and touched it constantly. That alone would have been hell, and then the added pain from the rapes, cuts, bruises- and then there was the mental anguish, the constant torment… the psychological attacks were just as bad as the physical ones.
After a long moment, he looked up at his lover. His George, his poor George, had been through so much hell. A wave of guilt came over him as he thought about how he had failed to find George- if he had found him sooner, George would have been okay. Certainly not intact, but he wouldn't be this much of a mess. "I'm so sorry, George. The NYPD failed you. I failed you. I should have been able to save you, but I didn't and now-" Elliot began.
"No one could have. It was unavoidable," George said sadly.
"We should have saved you," Elliot insisted. "You've spent your whole life saving everyone else; you would think we could have done the same for you when you needed us."
"I never saved anyone. I tried, but in the end, the only thing I did was set Keyes off and get him to seek revenge. And now all those people are dead and their families are torn apart," George said bitterly, shaking his head in disgust- disgust at himself. Elliot felt like he'd been kicked, like he had every time George castigated himself. George had said he hated himself the day Keyes had been caught, but he'd seemed to be getting better after that. But now he was backsliding again.
"George, that wasn't your fault! You had no way of knowing; Keyes and those other guys are absolutely nuts! They're sick, disgusting, sadistic freaks!" Elliot exclaimed indignantly. He clenched his fists- it wasn't right. George was such an amazing person, and he had been attacked so badly. And not only that, but his attackers had convinced him that he deserved it.
Those bastards had actually convinced George that he deserved to be tortured and raped every day. He swallowed against the bitter taste that formed in his mouth, shaking his head in disgust.
"What am I going to do?" Elliot asked silently.
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Darkest Nights