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Cries of a Shadow	By : OpenPage Category: 1 through F > 21 Jump Street Views: 2757 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own 21JS or the characters. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. All characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is coincidental.

Chapter List
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“So, there it is,” Tom murmured. “That’s how I spent the last twelve years of my life.”
Wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, Booker worked some much-needed saliva into his mouth. He’d known it would be bad, but he hadn’t thought Tom's narration of his life behind closed doors with his brother would reduce him to tears. A vision of his friend holding a bloody napkin to his nose popped into the dark-haired officer’s mind, and he suppressed a shudder. That was the first time he’d known someone was hurting his friend, but instead of trusting his instincts, he’d turned a blind eye and left Tom to endure his pain alone. It had taken him a further two weeks to act on his gut feeling, and during that time, Tom had experienced multiple dunkings, beatings, and a brutal rape. It wasn’t news to him, of course. Ever since he’d found Tom chained to the bathroom sink, his guilty conscience had gnawed away at him, slowly at first before it had manifested into a black pit of self-condemnation. He’d failed Tom in so many ways, yet the young officer still valued his friendship...which was all rather baffling. He wasn’t worthy of such devotion, and he hoped one day, he could prove to his friend he really was sorry. And while the dark-haired officer was aware of not putting Tom through any more unnecessary heartache, there was still one glaring detail that continued to bother him and swallowing down the lump that had formed in his throat, he asked what was foremost on his mind. “That night in the bathroom. What made you finally say no?”
Taken aback by the question, Tom did not have time to answer in any other way except honestly. “You.”
Booker’s eyes widened ever so slightly. “Me? I don't understand. What did I do?”
The memory was still so raw, Tom’s hands clenched in his lap. But as he looked into Booker’s worried eyes, he relaxed his muscles and gave his friend a small, watery smile. “You called me a freak, and it hurt...it hurt so damn much, but...Jesus, Dennis, at that moment, I also knew you were right.”
Booker’s teeth worried his lower lip. He was right, but not in the way Tom thought. At the time, he hadn’t known about the Hanson brothers’ unhealthy relationship. The insult was born out of frustration because, no matter how hard he tried, Tom kept sending him mixed signals. And in many ways, he still did, and taking a deep breath, the dark-haired officer laid a hand on his friend’s knee. “Uh, I owe you an apology.”
Touched by the gesture, Tom’s eyes softened. “No, you don’t. You already apologized. Remember?”
Surprised Tom had any memory of that night, Booker shook his head. “No, not for that. Although I still feel like shit for saying it. What I meant is, I feel bad for taking you on that double date. You were obviously uncomfortable, and I should have known it was too soon after...well, you know. I just wish you'd told me.”
Tom lowered his gaze. His rape had nothing to do with his reluctance to get to know Jenna. But although he was in a sharing mood, he couldn’t tell his friend the real reason for his behavior, and so he stayed quiet.
Not about to give up without gaining more of an insight into Tom's mind, Booker continued to push, albeit gently. “Didn’t you like her?”
Backed into a corner, Tom shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno. Not really. But it wouldn’t have mattered if I did because she didn’t like me.”
Although Booker had figured as much, he still didn’t understand why Jenna hadn’t fallen head-over-heels in love with his friend. Tom was, in his eyes, drop-dead gorgeous, and even though the young officer’s shyness was, at times, excruciating to witness, he had expected the young woman to jump at the chance to get to know him. But the dark-haired officer couldn’t have been more wrong. Zero sparks had flown between the two of them, and while he realized he shouldn’t have pushed his friend into a double date so soon after his rape, he still wasn’t convinced that was the reason why his attempt at matchmaker had fizzled within the first few minutes. And so, with his investigator’s mind revved to full throttle, he continued with his questioning. “I know Jenna can seem a little...you know...bitchy, but she’s okay once you get to know her. What happened when you took her home? Surely you at least got a goodnight kiss?”
A kaleidoscope of memories flashed through Tom’s mind, and afraid his countenance might crumble, he kept his gaze fixed on the toe of Booker’s right boot. Seemingly intrigued by the scuff marks, he thought back to the previous night. When he’d finally walked Jenna home, the copious amounts of alcohol flowing through her veins had warmed her demeanor. At the foot of the steps leading up to her building, she’d stumbled forward and attempted to kiss him. But the very thought of committing such an intimate act with someone he had no affection for had turned Tom’s stomach, and he’d pushed her away before their lips could touch. Insulted, Jenna had raised her hand and slapped him across the face before storming—somewhat unsteadily—up the steps, leaving the young officer to wonder if all women were as rude and unpredictable as she was, or if he just brought out the worst in people. It was a toss-up, but with Booker patiently waiting for an answer, he pushed the thought from his mind and gave his friend the abridged version of events. “She tried, but I didn’t want to.”
“You didn’t? Why not?”
“Because I didn’t want her to be my fir—”
Tom stopped, his cheeks burning red. How would a man with Booker’s experience react when he told him he’d never kissed anyone, let alone a woman like Jenna? Would he laugh? Call him a liar? Or would it help clarify everything the dark-haired officer already knew...that he was a pathetic loser with zero social skills, whose only sexual contact was with his own brother? The heat reddening his face intensified, and screwing his eyes closed, he struggled to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. His humiliation was complete. He’d opened his heart and revealed the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and his moniker of freak would forever be set in stone.
Open-mouthed, Booker stared at his friend for several long seconds before finally finding his voice. “Jesus, Tom. Are you telling me you’ve never kissed a girl before?”
Tom knew he owed his friend an explanation and channeling his inner McQuaid, he found the strength to look the dark-haired officer square in the eye and confirm what he already knew. “I’ve never kissed anyone. Last night was the first time I’ve ever been on a date.”
And it was then Booker realized the full extent of Will’s hold over Tom. Not only had the sonofabitch molested him, but he had also isolated him to the point where the young officer had missed out on all the typical rites of passage usually observed by teenagers. Booker was now aware he was looking at a twenty-three-year-old man who had never experienced the stomach-flopping high of a lover’s lips brushing against his own. But what made it especially bizarre was the knowledge Tom had endured years of sexual abuse at the hands of his brother. His friend had become sexually active at the age of twelve without ever knowing the innocent thrill of a tender kiss, and no matter what happened in the future, the young officer would never get those years back. Tom’s life would always be a paradoxical nightmare, and without knowing it, he’d managed to highlight the fact by inviting him out on his first ever date and setting him up with a cold-hearted bitch. Bloody brilliant.
Feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet, Booker’s fingers gently squeezed his friend’s leg. “Oh, Tommy,” he whispered, his dark eyes begging for forgiveness. “I swear, if I’d known, I never would have put you through that.”
The tender touch awakened the magical serpent of desire lying dormant within Tom, and tiny sparks of arousal slithered beneath his skin, heating his flesh. And even though he didn’t understand why his body reacted in such a strange way whenever Booker touched him, he had a feeling his friend wouldn’t like it, and so he lowered his gaze before his expression gave too much away. “It doesn’t matter. You weren’t to know.”
Unaware of Tom’s internal battle, Booker exhaled a sigh. “I guess.”
An awkward silence followed and feeling the need to boost the young officer’s confidence, Booker gave his leg a friendly slap. “Anyway, screw Jenna. She’s not worth your time. You have your whole life ahead of you, and someday, you’ll meet someone who’ll love you for the person you are.”
It was on the tip of Tom’s tongue to ask Booker what sort of man he thought he was, but he didn’t want to sound conceited, so he stayed quiet. His eyes remained focused on the floor, but when a gentle hand cupped his cheek, he lifted his head and stared into the face of the man who was slowly stealing his heart.
With the heat of Tom’s gaze boring into him, Booker attempted to allay his friend’s fears. “You will find love, Tom,” he reassured with a tender smile. “The right person is out there somewhere, you just have to be patient.”
The words, “Maybe I’ve already found them,” danced over Tom’s tongue, but he pressed his lips together before he could release his thoughts into the universe. And while he didn’t understand his growing affection for Booker, he was finding it increasingly difficult to ignore what his body was trying to tell him. The dark-haired officer intrigued him, and after baring his soul, he felt justified probing into his friend’s past. “Have you ever been in love?”
The question sent Booker’s heart into a spasm of erratic palpitations, each irregular beat transmitting a painful jolt of sadness through his body, and his mind was immediately transported back to the past. When he’d transferred to the Jump Street program, he’d managed to leave his former life behind him, along with his grief. But one innocent question had brought all his suffering bubbling back to the surface, the force of his memories reopening the floodgates of his sorrow. Dozens of vivid images crashed through his mind, the tsunami of harrowing flashbacks stirring inside him emotions he’d thought he’d dealt with long ago. But he was wrong. His pain was still as raw as it had been the fateful day when he’d learned the devastating news that had changed the course of his life, and he suddenly realized he would never get over his loss. Instead, he would just learn to dig a deeper hole, and that way, he could bury his memories beneath the rubble of his everyday existence. Being the optimist he was, he still held onto the hope that one day, he would find the strength to accept the heartbreaking truth, and then he could truly move on with his life. But until that day arrived, he coped the only way he knew how...by throwing himself into his work and pushing any unwanted thoughts out of his mind before they had a chance to take hold.
“Did I say something wrong?”
The worried edge in Tom’s voice freed Booker from his depressive thoughts and forcing a smile to his lips, he slowly shook his head. “No, you just took me by surprise that’s all. It was a valid question, and you deserve an honest answer. So, the answer is yes, I have been in love, but it was a long time ago.”
“What’s her name?”
Booker’s dark eyes filled with sadness. “It wasn’t a she, it was a he, and his name was Jacob.”
An uneasy feeling snaked under Tom’s skin, bringing goose-bumps to the surface of his flesh. “Was?”
Although Booker didn’t feel like ripping the scab off an old wound, he knew he owed his friend an explanation. Tom had trusted him with the painful memories of his past, and in his mind, he owed him the same courtesy. Life was all about the balancing act of giving and taking, but it wasn’t always easy, and as his vision blurred, the dark-haired officer lowered his gaze to the floor and stared at the scuffed linoleum to keep himself from crying. “He died. I’d just graduated from the academy, and he was studying to become a paramedic. He started getting these headaches, and we thought it was just stress but...well, turns out it was a tumor. He passed away three months later.”
Without hesitation, Tom leaned forward and pulled the dark-haired officer into his arms. “Jesus, Dennis,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. “I’m sorry. I'm so, so sorry.”
It was the first time Tom had initiated contact, and comforted by the unexpected embrace, Booker allowed himself to grieve. He wept openly and without restraint, his hot tears winding a trail down his friend's neck, the salty droplets mixing with the young officer’s sweat before soaking into the damp collar of his T-shirt. It was a cleansing, of sorts, a purging of all the pain he’d kept trapped within for so long because he'd always feared if he cried, he'd never be able to stop. It was the release he needed to move forward with his life, but it surprised him a man as damaged as Tom had provided him the metaphorical key he needed to unlock his emotions and release his grief in a healthy if somewhat embarrassing way. And it was then he knew his relationship with the young officer had moved past the point of ordinary friendship. Through trust and acceptance, their association had transcended into something resembling real intimacy, and he suddenly realized how much he missed having someone in his life he could confide in. He had plenty of friends, but no one had replaced the void in his heart left vacant after Jacob’s death. In the beginning, it had surprised a lot of people to know he hadn’t just lost his lover, he’d also lost his best friend, and as he breathed in the familiar scent of Tom's shampoo, he could see the young officer filling that opening. At that moment, he almost felt as close to Tom as he had his lover, and it was then an idea formed in his mind. And as his plan slowly took form, he wiped a hand over his swollen eyes and gently extricated himself from his friend’s warm embrace.
“Are you okay?” Tom asked, his dark eyes full of concern.
Booker offered the young officer a watery smile. “Yeah. Thanks. I guess I’ve been holding that inside for a long time. I haven’t cried like that since the funeral.”
Tom nodded, a look of understanding passing over his face. “I’m sorry I brought back such painful memories, but I’m glad you confided in me.”
“Me too,” Booker admitted, his smile brightening. “And I was thinking, it’s getting a little crowded around here. Maybe it would be better if we looked into some other living arrangement.”
Bewildered by the sudden change in conversation, Tom’s shoulders sagged under the weight of his friend’s rejection. “Oh, okay, I understand. Of course, it makes sense you’d want your apartment back. It won’t take me long to pack my bags. I can be out of here by—”
“Whoa!” Booker exclaimed, one hand rising in a halting gesture. “I’m not asking you to leave. I just thought it would be easier on both of us if we found a bigger apartment.”
Surprised by the statement, Tom’s eyes widened. “Are you saying you want to keep living with me?”
Booker grinned. “Well, yeah. So, whaddya say? Do you wanna be my roommate?”
It only took Tom a nanosecond to make his decision, but he curbed his enthusiasm so as not to unnerve his friend. “Yeah, I would. Thanks.”
“No problem,” Booker replied through a loud yawn. “Now that’s settled, I really need to get some sleep. Maybe you can check the paper for suitable rentals. The sooner we move out of here, the easier it’ll be...for both of us.”
“Sure. Leave it to me. I’ll see what I can find.”
Rising from the couch, Booker headed toward his bedroom. But before he reached the door, he turned and addressed his friend. “Oh, and, Tom? No more holding your head under water. I think it’s time we both put the past to rest, don’t you?”
Embarrassed by his behavior, Tom lowered his gaze. “Yeah, okay.”
Satisfied with his roommate’s answer, Booker walked into his bedroom and closed the door. He wasn’t entirely sure he’d made the right decision, but he was willing to take a chance on friendship because whether Tom realized it or not, he had slowly but surely, secured a place in his heart.
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Cries of a Shadow