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Darkest Nights	By : Bucken-Berry Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 1449 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU or it's characters and I'm not making money from this.

Chapter List
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Eventually, Elliot started the car and turned on the radio. He decided to put George's favorite classical music CD on. It was a recording of the New York Philharmonic playing a piece by Tchaikovsky- Elliot kept forgetting to ask George what the name of the piece was. But whatever it was, it seemed to fit their mood perfectly. It started out slow and tragic-sounding, then there were desperate, frantic passages, and then happiness, and then desperation again at the end.
In Elliot's mind, it would just keep repeating that way for them, until, eventually, the happiness would win out, even though in the piece, the desperation seemed to win. He was determined that George would be okay- not perfect, but okay. George deserved to feel perfect, but okay was the best they could hope for, for now.
"Hey, doc, what's this one titled?" Elliot asked.
George almost smiled. Almost. "It's Tchaikovsky's 31st opus. It's called Slavonic March, but it's usually called by its French name, Marche Slav," he said softly.
"It's pretty," Elliot commented.
"Yeah, it's one of my favorites," George agreed. Elliot knew that George adored the piece, but, unsurprisingly, George didn't sound enthusiastic about it as he normally would- his voice was even quieter than usual. Elliot knew he was still shaken, but he didn't ask George if he wanted to go home; George would ask if he felt he needed to. But Elliot was worried, about too many things to name, and he didn't know how to address any one of them. He supposed he'd wait until their next therapy session.
They arrived at the store and Elliot parked the car. "Elliot?" George called, with a hint of hesitation. He sounded timid, and Elliot hated that- though he understood why.
"What, George?" he asked, keeping his voice as gentle as he possibly could.
"I'm sorry…. But now that we're here…" George trailed off nervously.
"You don't feel up to it?"
A slight nod answered him. Elliot sighed, wishing he could convince George that he didn't mind. "Will you be okay if I leave and you stay in the car?" Elliot asked.
George nodded, looking relieved as he realized that Elliot wasn't going to get angry at him. "Just leave the windows rolled up. Please."
"Okay, I will. I'll be back in a minute," Elliot said. He glanced over at George's small frame, and immediately decided that he didn't like what he saw- George looked small and afraid. Shaken.
Elliot leaned over and placed a feather-light kiss on the top of George's head, moving a hand to stroke George's cheek. He felt relieved when George leaned into his touch- it meant that George still trusted him. At this point, the smallest thing could undo any progress that had been made, and the fact that George trusted him was a good sign- one of the only ones he'd gotten today.
"I love you," Elliot whispered.
"You too," George replied. His voice was still so timid and vulnerable; though he trusted Elliot, he was clearly afraid of him, too. It would be a long time before George would feel relaxed around men again, even though George was a man, himself. It was a natural psychological response.
After a long moment, Elliot released George and left the car and did his shopping as quickly as he could. Elliot chose more fruits and vegetables than he usually would, knowing that George was still vitamin deficient because his attackers had nearly starved him. He shook his head, not wanting to think about it, and paid much more attention to weighing his items than was required.
Elliot soon finished the shopping and he returned to the car, relieved to find that George was- not okay, but he hadn't gotten worse. He shared a tight embrace with the smaller man before starting the car and driving home.
Elliot tried to carry all the groceries inside, but George insisted on helping. Elliot was secretly pleased, because it was something to reassure him that George wasn't completely helpless. And he needed to be reassured, after what he'd seen.
Once they had put the groceries away, George finally brought their conversation back to his mental state. "Elliot, I need to tell you something," George said.
"Yeah?" Elliot asked worriedly. He sat down on the sofa and patted the spot next to him.
George sat down beside him and gave a deep sigh. "I… I feel like I'm about to lose it," George admitted. "Not like a psychotic break or anything, I think, but still, I'm at my limit. I've been having one flashback a day, at least, but today... I had one when the ER doctor was talking, in addition to the one I had on the witness stand, though it wasn't as bad as the others, and none were as bad as the one I had in the car. But they were so jarring... I feel beleaguered, shaken, and, quite honestly, hopeless. Oh, you have no idea!…" George whispered. His voice was small and brittle.
Elliot didn't reply for a long minute. He had no clue what to say at this point. Finally he said, softly, "I'm so sorry… just hold on until our next appointment. In the meantime, is there anything I can do to help?"
George sighed again. "Not right now. Just what you've already been doing. I just wanted you to know, though, that I've been feeling so desperate and vulnerable. And… thank you. Elliot, you've done so much for me since this happened, and I can't put into words how much this means to me."
"You don't need to put it into words," Elliot told him. He pulled George into his lap, then leaned back so that they were lying down, George half on top of him. He softly kissed the top of George's head and stroked his back.
George reveled in the gentle touches, enjoying them, despite the voices of his attackers telling him that he didn't deserve it. He heard them so clearly- but at the moment, he was winning, and he blocked them out. Elliot was being so kind and loving to him, and he wanted to enjoy it, whether he deserved it or not. "You're so good to me," George whispered, sounding simultaneously pleased, awed, and guilty.
"I'll always be as good as I can to you. You need someone to be there for you," Elliot said softly.
The words brought George's doubts back. "But you shouldn't; I don't des- oh, never mind," George muttered, knowing that Elliot would tell him he was wrong.
Elliot was concerned that George was backsliding so rapidly. He knew that the only reason George had stopped was because he didn't want to hear Elliot argue that George did deserve to be taken care of- not because he didn't believe what his attackers said. Finally he sighed, silently pulling George closer, even though he wanted nothing more than to say just how wrong George's thoughts were- how wrong his attackers were, how wrong the whole situation was.
The room quickly became quiet, enough so that Elliot was worried about the possibility of it being a trigger. Elliot turned the TV on, making the volume loud enough to be audible but low enough to be only background noise.
"You amaze me, doc," Elliot said, after a long moment. If nothing else, he needed to make George aware of how amazing the fact that he had survived at all- let alone with his sanity- was.
George lowered his head and rested it against Elliot's shoulder. He wanted to contradict Elliot, but he didn't have the energy to listen to Elliot trying to convince him that he was someone special. He wasn't, and listening to Elliot say otherwise… He didn't have the energy. "Thanks. I love you, El," George said. He buried his face in Elliot's neck, breathing Elliot in. He kissed Elliot's throat, with the same tenderness Elliot was using with him.
"You too, George," Elliot said, placing another kiss to the top of George's head.
George was still on edge, but Elliot was helping him relax, as much as possible in his situation. He was afraid, but less than he would be without Elliot there. He closed his eyes as Elliot grabbed a blanket and covered them with it.
Elliot watched George carefully, and quickly gathered that George was still afraid and shaken. But he seemed to be relaxing, and he wasn't trying to isolate himself from Elliot. Elliot knew that George was still blaming and castigating himself, and George would need to work past it soon.
He was concerned about George, but he didn't press the issue- there would be time for that later, and George needed a break now.
No one else was going to give him one, Elliot thought bitterly.
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- 37
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Darkest Nights