Adult-FanFiction.org : Television / Streaming

Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2608 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
- 5
Tha Birds, an' Tha Bees, an' All That Othah Good Shit
Month Four: Call Me 'Shamu' An' Die

I woke up with Cupid's hand wrapped around my hard
dick. This is just about tha best way of wakin up I
can imagine. Um, unless ya wanna change 'hand' ta
'lips'--that's good, too. Unfortunately, I wasn't in
any condition ta savor tha moment. "Lemme go, Cupe."

He batted his eyelashes at me. Lemme tell ya, when it
comes ta stirrin breezes, they're almost as effective
as his wings. "Don't you love me anymore?"

I grabbed his hair an' pulled him down for a nice,
juicy kiss. It was meant as an apology, but I guess I
shoulda sent roses, cause he took it as encouragement
an' squeezed. Like I said before, any othah time...
"Cupe, I'm serious. Lemme go."

"Since when do you turn down a hand-job?"

"Since Lump gave me tha bladder control of a
hyperactive puppy that just spotted Timmy comin home
from school. Lemme up before I embarass myself. Just
so's we're clear, I ain't been embarrassed by my
sexual functions for awhile, but wettin tha bed..."

He let go. I got up an' materialized a chamber pot,
an'... Huh? Yeah, I take whizzes in front of him.
Gah, we're married. You lock tha bathroom door all
tha time on your old man? Ya do? Prude.

Anyway, I *ahem* unburdened myself for, like, oh, I
dunno... Ten? Twelve minutes. Seemed like
that, anyway. When I was done I sniffed, an' wrinkled
my nose. "All right, Cupe, I'm eatin tha damn
vegetables, but no more fuckin asparagus, 'kay?"

"Fine. We'll concentrate on the spinach."

I sighed, flashin tha pot away. "Why do I do this ta
myself?"

He reached out an' snagged me by my softenin prick.
"So you can be healthy and we can do this a lot." He
started strokin.

I moaned. "Ya know, if ya had used this argument from
tha start, ya nevah woulda found mustard greens undah
tha sofa cushions."

"Only you would hide them rather than just
dematerializing them."

"Gotta set a good... bad? Anyway, I gotta set an
example for Bliss. Oo, that's nice."

He was sittin on tha edge of tha bed. Now he took
hold of my hips an' pulled me closah. He stroked me
between his palms, an' blew a warm stream of air ovah
my flushed cockhead. "I'm a very nice person--just
ask anyone."

I slid my hands inta his hair as he opened his mouth
an' took me inside. This is how considerate tha man
is--I don't even hafta beg for sex. Don't try an'
tell me that doesn't happen in othah marriages. An'
he's just as horny as I am, Zeus bless 'im. Wake-up
sex, aftahnoon delight, aftah-dinnah sex, of course
your expected before-sleep sex, midnight snacks
*giggle*... What else? There's special occasion sex.
You shoulda seen tha screwin he gave me for our one
week anniversery. Wait a minute... Did ya see that?
You people are around so much sometimes I forget...
Nevah mind. It ain't like I'm not an exhibitionist,
right? Then there's maybe my favorite--just because
sex. I still haven't had 'I'm sorry sex' or 'make up'
sex, but I s'pose we will eventually. Aftah all, no
couple has tha perfect relationship, shit happens, an'
gods stay married a long fuckin time.

This, howevah, was fast sex time. It was mornin, an'
we still hadn't figured out a good way ta keep Bliss
in his room until all, um, activities were safely
outta tha way. Tha thing about Cupe is he can make it
last, or he can make it happen--when he gets goin I
don't have a snowballs chance in Heph's forge of makin
tha decisions. When he reached up an' tickled me
behind tha balls, then slid a fingah inta my crease an
tickled me tha othah sensitive place, I gave 'im an
organic throat wash. This time I made a sound like
Mjau did tha last time Bliss accidentally tromped on
his tail.

Cupe swallowed an' said anxiously, "I didn't bite, did
I, babe?"

I kissed him. "I won't know till my brain comes back,
but I don't think so. 'Scuse me." I materialized a
pot an' took anothah whizz. He blinked. "Don't look
at me like that. It ain't intended as an insult."

"I know, but damn, babe. How much juice did you drink
last night?"

"Not all that much. Just enough ta wash down tha
watermelon."

"Uh huh. How much watermelon?"

I fidgeted. "Just one, an' don't look at me like
that, eitha. It's got zero fat an' salt, an' not all
that many calories, cause it's almost all watah,
an'..." I slowed down. "Oh."

He kissed me. "Don't worry about it. You didn't wet
the sheet." He snickered. "Well, not that way,
anyway."

"Yer a dirty old man, an' I love ya for it."

"What do you have planned for today?"

"Not much. Actually, I'm ahead. I managed ta get tha
estrus cycle of every mare in Ceasar's army ta sync so
that they was in heat on tha day he reviewed his
troops--mounted on his stallion." I laughed. "Tha
jerk almost got a broken leg cause he was too
stubborn ta give in up an' dismount when his ride
decided ta do some mountin of his own. Aftah a coup
like that I deserva a coupla days off. I figured me
an' Bliss would just bum around, maybe have a picnic
somewhere. Posiedon's mermaids have been beggin ta
see him an' teach him ta swim, so I thought a trip ta
tha beach."

Cupid frowned. "I'm not sure I want him trying to
learn to swim. It's pretty dangerous."

"More dangerous than not knowin how ta swim? Stay
away from Plato with that kinda talk, cuz. It ain't
very logical."

"Well, he's a god--it's not like he's going to drown."

"Haven't ya evah heard about not temptin tha Fates?
Those broads can be kinda capricious." I looked up
quickly, an said, very loudly, "Not that that's a bad
thing." We both waited. Nothin melted or exploded.
I didn't grow anythin unsightly. I heaved a sigh of
relief.

"Anyways, since he can't drown, why worry? He ain't
gonna be let out far enough for anythin nasty ta get
at him, an' if any of 'em did... Can ya imagine them
doin anythin against wunna ol' Seaweeds kin without
bein expressly directed ta do it?"

"You're right--they'd end up either poached, en
brochette, or deep fried."

"Quit talkin dirty ta me, or I'll nevah get out of tha
bedroom."

He grabbed me around tha waist an' rested his chin on
my tummy. "Fate worse than death." He turned his
head so that his ear was just ovah my belly button.

Bliss came in, rubbin his eyes an' yawnin. I've
always been good at dressin quick--came in handy,
considerin some of tha beds I spent time in, know what
I mean? I had on a loose pair of linen pants by tha
time he got tha sleep outta his eyes. "Mornin, Daddy.
Mornin, Daddy Stwife. Daddy, you listenin to Lump?"

"Not exactly, babydoll. I can't hear Lump like you
can. No, I'm just hugging Strife."

"Oh." He nodded, wandered ovah, an' hugged my leg.
"That's a good idea."

"Look at me--drippin with l-o-v-e. It's just
revoltin." I picked up Bliss an' gave him a kiss.
"You up for a day at tha beach, kiddo?"

Bliss squealed an' threw his arms around my neck.
"Can Joxie an' Accord an' Gran'pa Ares come, too?"

"We can ask, sugar, but they both been gettin back
inta their jobs, an' I think Mom is gonna be watchin
Accord."

Cupid sat back real fast. "Let me get this
straight--they're leaving an infant with Dischord?"

"She's tryin ta get used ta tha idea of havin an
infant around."

"Oh, yeah. She... uh... she didn't take finding out
you were making her a grandmother very well."

I shrugged. "Ya think? I thought she handled it
pretty well. I mean, grass may even grow on that
hillside she blasted--in anotha coupla centuries."

"Lemme down. Lemme listen." I slid Bliss down, an'
he pressed his ear ta my tummy.

"How's Lump?"

"Getting big."

"How big?"

"Ummm..." He held up his hands about eight, ten
inches apart. "Bout this big."

"An' is Lump a girl or a boy?"

"Well..." he sounded doubtful. "Lump gots hair now,
but it's short. Does that make it a boy or a girl?"

I sighed. "This age? Hard ta tell."

"I can't tell. Lump gots no clothes on."

Yah, I know. I coulda told 'im ta look between Lump's
legs, but that woulda been rude, an... Quit laughin!
This is my kid I'm talkin about here, 'kay?

I'll tell ya one thing--what happened next sure the
fuck didn't make me feel like laughin. I moved Bliss
off me. "Okay, lemme get dressed, squirt." I thought
on a nice, lightweight suit of leathah, an' suddenly
found that I was almost holdin my breath. Bliss
rubbed my belly, smilin. "Yous got a belly now,
Stwife."

I looked down. I shoulda been able ta see straight
down ta my toes, unless I had a hard-on. I couldn't.
There was a gentle swell, coated by tight black
leathah, obscurrin my view. I stared at it, then I
looked up at Cupe. My bottom lip started quiverin.

Cupid quickly said, "Bliss, I need you to help get
ready for the picnic. I've decided I'm going to come,
too. You have a very important job. Go out to the
garden and choose the very, very best fruit, okay?
You can shake the trees or throw rocks if you need to,
but don't climb."

"Kay." He patted my belly again. "Lump, I'll get you
some cherries, huh?" He trotted out.

I managed ta wait till he got out of earshot before I
started bawlin. Cupid stood up an' reached for me. I
stepped back, wailin, "Quit it! Ya can't get yer arms
around me--I'm too fat."

"Strife," he tried ta rub my tummy. "It's just the
baby."

"Yah?" I slapped my legs. "I ain't carryin Lump on
my thighs, am I?" I slapped my butt. "No baby there,
eithah." I turned around. "Look! Look how tight
that is."

"Oo, yeah!" he crooned, caressin my ass.

I shivered. "Ya know what I mean, Cupe. That's tha
same size I always wear, an' it's tightah than it evah
was. I look like ten pounds of shit in a five pound
sack."

Cupid grabbed my arms an' shook me gently. "Stop it!
Zeus, Strife, haven't I conviced you yet?"

"Convinced me of what?"

"Of how beautiful you are."

"Yeah, but ya love me--ya gotta say that."

He sighed. "I don't lie about things like this. When
Mom tried that pink hair rinse I told her it made her
look like a demented, hung-over primrose nymph, didn't
I?"

"Ya weren't sleepin with her." I paused. "Ya
weren't, were...?" I stopped. He looked at me. "We
don't need ta go there right now. My emotions are
scrambled enough right now."

"Good, you realize that. It is mostly the hormones,
Strife. Baby, you have absolutely nothing to worry
about. Now that you're over the morning sickness,
pregnancy really suits you. You look wonderful.
You..."

"If ya say I glow I'll pluck wunna yer feathahs."

"How about smolder? I didn't think it was possible
for you to get any sexier, but you managed it."

I started ta smile. "Smolder is good. I can live
with that."

Bliss staggahed back inta tha room. He had gathahed
his little tunic up in front an' filled it with fruit.
He looked like he had a ball tucked in tha pouch, but
it was gettin smallah, 'cause he was leavin a trail of
grapes an' cherries as he came. "Daddy!" he called.
"Hurry! I'se losin it, I'se losin it!"

"I know just how ya feel, brat." I swooped ovah an'
made a basket. I held it, an' he dumped tha rest of
tha fruit in it with a relieved sigh. "I feel like I
been losin it for tha last coupla months."

We all gathahed up tha fallen fruit, then Cupe whipped
up tha rest of tha lunch. I took tha opportunity ta
think myself inta anothah outfit. Sensible cotton
this time--an' a size largah. *sigh*

Bliss wanted ta see if Mjau could come, an' I had ta
explain ta him about cats, an' sand, an' tha fact that
we were all gonna be goin barefooted. Aftah explainin
cat potty habits ta him, guess what? That's right. I
had ta fill anothah pot. I gotta check an' see if
pregnancy has a shrinkin effect on tha bladdah. It
don't seem like havin somethin as tiny as Lump is now
sittin on it should squash it that bad.

We all flashed ovah ta tha beach. A few of tha
merfolk were waitin in tha shallows. When we showed
up they started smackin tha water with their tails,
waving at Bliss, offerin rides, invitin him ta search
for seashells, askin if he wanted any oysters, or
maybe some treasure from a sunken ship. Merbabies are
few an' far between, an Posiedon's people love little
'uns of all kinds, an' let's face it--Bliss is fuckin
adorable. No, I am not prejudice.

We all skinny dipped, an' it was a hoot. Tha legs an'
tha wings may mark Bliss as eitha a land or an air
dwellah, but tha little poot was as at home in tha
watah as any seal I ever seen.

I didn't get ta play long, though, an' only part of it
was tha preggers part. Cupe encouraged me, actually,
cause exercise is good for me. But aftah a few
minutes he put a tent up on tha sand an' herded me
inta it. Tartarus, ya know what my complexion is
like, right? I make cheese look dingey. Cupe was
right--more 'n about ten minutes of that bright sun
an' I woulda looked like wunna those newfangled 'love
apples'. If I evah wanted a tan like Cupe or, say,
Apollo, I'd hafta go out ten minutes one day, ten an'
two seconds tha next, ten an' five seconds tha next...
Ya get tha idea. 'Pollo's nags would give out before
I got many shades darker.

Finally it was time for lunch, an' my two guys came ta
tha tent. We sat an started divyin up tha chow. I
was munchin on a celery stick, tellin Cupe about this
great idea I had. People love ta eat bread an'
sausages tagetha, right? Well, I was gonna plant tha
suggestion in tha minds of tha merchants that a
terrific way ta make money would be ta only sell
sausages in bunches of ten, but only sell rolls in
bunches of eight! I figured it would drive a
significant numbah of people crazy eventually.

Bliss was eatin some salt-watah taffy that wunna tha
mermaids had given him. He piped up, "Stwife, I don't
know if Lump is a boy or a girl, but you know what?"

"What, kiddo?"

"Lump can hear you."

I laughed. "Sure."

Bliss nodded. "Lump hears you breath, and hears your
heat going bump, but he hears what you say, too."
Bliss frowned. "I don't know if she knows what you
mean, but she hears. You oughta talk to him. You can
tell both of us a story if you want to."

"Both of ya, huh? Sure, why not. Okay, once there
was this barbarian an' this tavern wench..."

"Strife! What kind of story...?"

"An they both had fuzzy tails, like bunnies." Cupid
shook his head as Bliss giggled, an' I stuck my tongue
out at him. "An they did some of tha things bunnies
do." Cupid looked worried again.

"Like what?" asked Bliss.

"They jumped, an' they twitched their ears." Cupe
looked relieved again. "Course I can't tell ya what
they jumped, cause you're too young."

"Strife!"

"Chill, Dads. Okay, they jumped ditches, they leaped
frogs, an' one day they jumped bail, an' took it on
tha lam."

Bliss frowned. "What's...?"

"Bail is a bucket. You know--ya use 'em ta bale? An
tha lamb belonged ta this broad named Mary, but she
let it go wanderin all ovah tha place, so it was goin
ta a bettah home."

Bliss liked tha story, but his Daddy was about ready
ta chew his nails by tha time I finished it. Bliss
snuggled down on a blanket for a nap, an' I reached for
tha last sandwich. "What did ya think I was gonna
say, Feathahs? Bliss said Lump can hear me, right?" I
took a bite.

*grit*

"What tha...? Oh, I can't freakin' believethis!
Sand in tha last sandwich! This is just so fu..." I
caught myself. "I could just shi..." I caught myself
again, frustrated. "Son of a b..." Bliss slitted one
eye sleepily. "Bull is a calf. Son of a deer is a
buck. Son of a sheep is a ram." He closed his eyes.
I was about ta hypahventilate. Tha fact that Cupid
was about ta choke with laughtah didn't help any.

"Babe, go on. You can't just cut it off all at
once--you'll explode."
I closed my eyes an took a deep breath. I laid my
palms against eithah side of my barely mounded tummy.
"Babe? What are you doing?"

My teeth were gritted. "I'm coverin my baby's ears."
Then I cussed a blue streak.
- 3
- 4
- 5
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit