You Knew What You Were Getting Into

Chapter Four

*Flash* *oof!*

The first sound was Ares and Joxer reappearing in their bedroom. The second was the sound Ares made as Joxer threw himself on Ares and squished him in an enthusiastic hug. "We're gonna have a BABY!" Joxer's eyes flew wide open, and he gasped, jerking away from his husband just as abruptly as he'd grabbed him. "Unless I squeeze it out of you right now. Ar, I'm..."

Ares returned Joxer's embrace. "Joxer, don't you dare apologize for hugging me. I'm going to need a lot of this in the next few months."

Joxer put his arms around Ares again, and laid his head on his shoulder. His voice was much quieter as he said. "We're having a baby."

"Yes, we are. Now, we need to decide who we're going to tell, and how."

"Accord," said Joxer immediately.

"First," Ares agreed. "And I think Eris, since she's living here. She's spent a lot more time at home since Impetua was born, and you know that she's really big on being kept up to date on any intelligence. If we're going to tell Accord, we need to tell my other kids--Cupid, Deimos, Phobos..." He hesitated.

Joxer said promptly, "Yes, you should tell Xena."

Ares nodded slowly. "How would you feel about getting them together and doing it all at once? We can have the House of Love over for dinner without raising suspicions--Dite, Heph, Cupid, Strife, Bliss."

"And Impetua."

Ares cocked an eyebrow. "Are you sure? I love Imp, but she can get a little--exuberant."

"Ares--she's Jealousy. Do you really want to deal with the fall out if she's excluded?"

"You're right, and I'm ashamed I even considered it. Don't tell her, huh?"

"Lips sealed."

"Don't believe you. If they were, I couldn't do this." He kissed Joxer deeply.

When Ares allowed him up for air, Joxer said, "I don't want to upset you in your condition, but... Gabrielle?" Ares scowled. "We can't invite Xena and not invite her."

"I don't see why not."

"It would be like Zeus inviting you over and telling you to leave me home."

"Like he wouldn't do that."

"And how would it make you feel?"

Ares sighed. "Okay. I'll just have to hope that Gabby has one of her snits and refuses to attend.

"Cheer up--that isn't at all unlikely. What about Zeus?"

Ares groaned. "Well, we didn't tell him about us or Accord's imminent arrival right away. I see no reason to change the trend."

"What about Hera?"

Ares winced. "Oo. Given Mom, her godhood, and her attitude about family, I think we'd BETTER tell her." Ares' expression became sly. "I have a cunning plan."

"Is it as cunning as Salmoneus talking to a group of prospective temple time share buyers?"

"Even more cunning. Okay, listen to this: we invite them both, but we don't make a big deal about it. It's just a nice, family dinner, aaand..." He looked at Joxer.

Joxer smiled slowly. "Zeus begs off for some reason, and Hera attends alone."

"Prob-ably."

"I hope our kid gets your brains. A little honest deviousness can be so useful sometimes."

"Ask Strife."

"I'm the one who told Accord that we were going to be trying, so I think you should give him the news."

"There's a father-son conversation I never imagined having. 'Son, I'm knocked up by your other father.'"

Joxer nodded. "Life is full of the unexpected. Ain't it wonderful?"

Ares gave Joxer a fond smile. Despite all he'd been through in his life (and parts of it had been as dark as the pits of Asphodel), he'd never lost his love of life. "Yeah, it is--mostly. Now, let's go back to bed, or I'll fall asleep in the middle of telling Accord."

"Sure, I'll go to bed, but I doubt that I'll actually get any sleep."

Two minutes later Ares looked wryly at his snoring husband, then got up to use the chamberpot.

~~~~~

Ares was sitting at the breakfast table, fidgeting. A fidgeting God of War was not a common occurance. He eyed the bowl of fruit sitting on the table before him, and flicked his fingers at it. It changed from apples and peaches to bananas and cherries. Joxer, sitting beside him, sighed. "That's the third time you've changed that. You're running out of fruits, Ar. You're going to end up doing those brown, fuzzy things that you say look like someone's *ahem* family jewels if they haven't bathed properly."

"I have to do something, Joxer, and it's that, or redo the dishes again."

"Not that, please. The last set of china you thought up had bunnies around the edge."

"I can't help it."

Joxer patted his hand. "I know. You have babies on the brain."

"And I need to TELL people," Ares burst out. "So where the Tartarus are Accord and Eris?"

"You know how it is--the one time you wouldn't mind someone being early, they're gonna be late. You stay here and I'll go rouste them."

"You don't think they left already?"

"No, I don't. It hasn't even been dawn for an hour. Accord might have been inclined to skip breakfast and get to his studying more quickly, but he's working with Apollo. The last time he did it and 'Pol found out he chewed him out, but good. Gave him the 'there are mortals starving on Earth, and YOU'RE skipping the most important meal of the day' speech. As for Eris," Joxer smirked, "I heard her come back from visiting Autolycus late last night."

"How do you know she was visiting him?" Ares asked, curious.

"She was singing that song Scribe taught her--'Love Hurts'. Anyway, she won't have been up to leaping out of bed, bright and early." He stood up. "I'll be back in a minute." As he started out of the room, not looking back, he said, "Don't change the fruit again. I like cherries."

Ares lowered his hand, muttering, "I don't know if he really knows me that well, or if it's true that when you give birth you grow a set of eyes in the back of your head."

Joxer made his way first to Eris' room, figuring it would take the most effort to get her up. Being polite, and not being a fool, he didn't even consider just walking in. To be on the safe side he stood BESIDE the door (Eris had been known to throw fireballs if awakened suddenly) and knocked.

"Exactly now suicidal are you?" snarled a husky female voice.

"Eris, it's breakfast time," Joxer called.

"Joxer? Oh, for-- I thought that you had better sense. Get lost, and I'll join you for lunch."

"Eris, please get up and come to the table. Ares and I really feel the need for some family bonding." Eris told him graphically how he and Ares could bond. "Been there, done that, thanks. I'll give you a choice--you can get up and come have breakfast, or I can stand out here and sing my old 'Joxer the Mighty' song, over and over and..."

"Fuck you, Joxer. For the God of Peace you can be very vindictive. I'll be there in about five or ten minutes."

"Please don't take any longer. Zeus knows what we'll have to eat if we delay much more." Joxer made his way to Accord's room. He knocked and received an invitation to enter.

Accord, fully dressed, was sitting on the bed, braiding his hair. "Hi, Dad. Say, would you come give me a hand with this? I want to get it pretty tight to the skull in back so that it takes a little longer to start unravelling."

"Sure." Joxer sat behind Accord, unmaking the half-done braid so that he could start it anew. "I thought you'd gotten pretty good at this."

"I think I have. It's just that my arms are a little sore, and it's a booger reaching back for as long as I need to do it right."

"Why are your arms sore?"

"I never realized how much of a work-out you could get using a morter and pestle. I've been fixing medical ingredients for Apollo. He says that by the time he's through with me I'll be perfect at it."

"And he'll have a year's worth of ingredients prepared ahead of time." Joxer had been braiding quickly. Now he said, "What are you going to tie this with?"

Accord passed back a leather thong. "Dad? No bows, okay?"

"Okay. Don't blame me if you jerk out a few hairs when you take it down later. There." Joxer let the finished braid drop against Accord's back, then patted his shoulder. "Come on, before Ares comes looking for us."

Accord snorted as he stood up. "Yeah. Like I couldn't beat him at Hide and Seek."

As they exited the room, Joxer shook a finger at him. "I'm not sure he's recovered from the 'disappearing Accord' incident when you were six. Don't you EVER do that again."

"I told you it wasn't intentional. I fell asleep and didn't hear you guys calling."

"Which proves that children should be able to sleep through anything. You know how a lot of kids in Greece born around the same time as you got named after you? Well, I'm pretty sure that little boys named Accord in the far provinces of Greece were running around in a panic when Ares bellowed for you."

Eris was just coming out of her room as they passed. She hadn't donned her usual public outfit of leather and metal, but was instead dressed in a casual black cotton dress, with her hair pulled back in a careless tail. Joxer reflected that it would be hard to convince most people that the Goddess of Discord could ever look anything approaching soft or (whisper the word) vulnerable. Sure, she was naturally prickly, but she'd begun to mellow a TINY bit. Joxer dated it back to when she'd first recovered from finding out that she was going to be a grandmother.

Accord paused and bowed to his aunt, gesturing for her to preceed him down the hall. She waved at him. "G'wan, brat."

"Are you kidding? And have you behind me, pulling my tail?"

She shrugged, and the corners of her mouth quirked into a not-quite smile. "Hey, if you're going to provide such a convenient handle you have to expect someone to use it." She started toward the common room. "I wonder how long it would take Auto to grow enough to put a good tail or braid in?"

Accord made a face. "More information than I needed, Auntie."

She didn't even turn back toward him. "Some day, some how, Strife will pay for suggesting you use that title with me." They entered the room, and Eris nodded to her brother. "I hope you don't expect coherance out of me at this time of the morning."

"I'm not asking you for a debate," said Ares. "Just the pleasure of your company."

"I don't deal well with sarcasm this early in the morning, either."

As he took his seat between Joxer and Ares, Accord said, "What DO you deal well with in the morning?"

"Sleep," she said shortly.

Accord reached toward the fruit bowl. "Wow--three kinds of grapes."

Joxer looked at Ares, who cleared his throat, looking at the table. "There's some cherries, too, right next to the red grapes."

"Abundance abounds." Accord munched a few grapes, eyeing the table. "Really. Usually we don't mess with much more than bread, cheese, and fruit for breakfast." He pointed. "Honey cakes, fried potatoes... fish?"

"Kippers," said Ares. "At least that's what Strife calls them. Apparently they're going to be really big in Britain in the future."

"Looks good." Accord helped himself. "But what brought all this on? I haven't seen this much food on the outside of a banquet."

Eris was buttering a chunk of bread. "Yeah, well, you're too young to remember when Strife was pregnant with Impetua and going through his nesting stage. I swear, that boy just barely stopped short of forcefeeding everyone..." She stopped abruptly, eyes opening wide. She looked quickly at Joxer.

He spread a hand on his chest. "Don't look at me."

Eris was just starting to relax when Ares said, "No--look at ME."

There was absolute silence for about three seconds. Then Accord did a very good Joxer impression. He whooped, jumped up, and ran around to hug his father. His cheek pressed against Ares', Accord said, "Radical!"

"Uh... radical is a good thing?" asked Ares.

"Would you get it if I said 'awesome' instead?" He dashed over to Joxer and hugged him just as tightly. "This is so cool! I'm gonna be a brother."

Joxer hugged Accord back. "Yes, that CAN be pretty cool. Crazy making, but cool."

Ares was watching his sister warily. She was staring at him, expressionless. After a moment Ares said, "Okay, I know that a pregnant God of War is going to be hard for some people to deal with, but..."

Eris reached across and gripped his hand. "If Athena tries any sort of power play I'm gonna kick her skinny ass all over Olympus." She squeezed his fingers, then smiled. "And no one with a lick of sense would question the machismo of a man who would voluntarily go through childbirth."

Ares sat back in relief, blowing out a breath. "Thank goodness that's over. I haven't been that nervous since the very first time I had to address my troops, right after I'd assumed my godhood."

"Not even when you went to tell Grandad about you and Dad?" Accord asked.

Ares shrugged. "This is different. I didn't really think there was a chance of either of you lobbing a power bolt at me or him. You two are the first ones we've told..." Accord sat up straight, giving him a stern look. Before he could speak, Ares said, "BESIDES Ace and Apollo. Do you think that you'll be able to keep it quiet till we tell the rest of the family, or do I have to get out the Hephastian chains to encourage discretion?"

"Oo! I can't tell?" said Accord. "But I NEED to tell Bliss."

"We're only asking you to wait till tomorrow," said Ares. "We're inviting Bliss and the family over for dinner, so we can tell them all at once."

"Daaaaad..." Accord would never have admitted to whining (he considered himself far too mature for that), but he was giving a fair approximation.

"Ares," said Joxer. "Do you really want to be responsible for our son exploding?" Ares rolled his eyes, but he was smiling slightly. "I think that if he swears Bliss to secrecy, Bliss will be able to hold it in till we make the announcement. Why don't you go invite them to dinner tomorrow, and then if you can get Bliss alone, you can tell him, then go to Earth and invite Xena. I doubt she'll turn you down."

"Great!" *Flash*

Ares called out, "What about breakfast?" *Flash* Accord reappeared long enough to grab a honeycake with one hand and an apple with the other, laid a smacking kiss on Ares' cheek, and... *Flash* disappeared again. "You know, if he wasn't the God of Mediation, he'd have a real chance at apprenticing to Hermes."

"Not a chance," said Eris. "The kid's too honest. So, boy or girl?"

"We're waiting to see," said Joxer. "I like surprises."

"Yeah, well, when you deal with battles most of the time, I guess it's nice to have a pleasant surprise to look forward to." Eris finished her breakfast and stood. As she dusted a few crumbs off her hands, her clothing changed into her usual studded leather. "I'll keep my mouth shut about the upcoming addition till you guys make the announcement," she snickered, "but I'm not promising not to give 'em an 'I've got a secret' smirk." *Flash*

~*~*~*~

The members of the House of Love were by no means lazy, but they were generally a little more laid back than most other Olympians. Cupid, Strife, Impetua, and Bliss had just begun breakfast when Accord popped into the dining room. Bliss waved. "Hey. Sit down and have something."

"Thanks," said Accord, "but I brought my own." He sat down between Bliss and Imp and began munching his cake. "You didn't honestly think they'd let me out without something to eat, did you?"

"Only if ya were comin ovah here, an' sure ta get fed," said Strife, materializing a glass of milk and passing it to Accord. "Not that we ain't thrilled ta see ya, but it's a little early fah social calls. Anythin up at home?"

"Nah." Accord's voice was casual. "The dads want to give a family dinner tomorrow, and we figured I'd better come invite you guys early, so that hopefully you wouldn't have anyhing else planned."

"Let me consult mah busy social schedule," Strife rolled his eyes briefly upward. "We're free."

Cupid gave him a mock annoyed look. "You might have asked."

"Pookie, are ya free ta go have dinner with yer big, bad dad tamarrah?"

"Yes." He looked at Bliss. "Son, do you have anything pressing?"

"My business doesn't usually work on a deadline," he said wryly. "I'm in."

"Imp, do you have anything else planned?" asked Cupid.

"I was gonna go watch that new play Jayce is in," said Impetua. "It has TWO love triangles in it."

"Let me put it this way," said Cupid. "You don't have anything else planned--period, not question mark."

She shrugged. "Sure. It'll probably run for a few months, anyway. It's got sex and deception--sure crowd pleasers."

"Fine," said Accord. "Imp, you usually can track down Deimos and Phobos, can't you?"

"Duh? Pain, Fear, an' Jealousy sorta go together, Unc."

"Can I get you to invite them for me? I need to go to Earth, and it may take me a little while to locate Xena."

Impetua cocked her head, looking interested. "They're invitin' the Twin Terrors, too? This should be interestin'. Sure, I'll ask 'em." She grinned. "Or rather I'll TELL 'em."

"Thanks. Cupid, you'll be seeing Aphrodite and Hephastus today, won't you?"

"And they're invited, too?" said Cupid. "I'll tell them. But Cord, why didn't your dads just have Hermes bring around the invitations?"

Accord looked innocent. "Oh, it's not that formal, and they figured that he had other, more important things to do."

Strife and Cupid exchanged looks that said that something was up. To the best of both their knowledge, no one on Olympus had ever thought that any message they cared to send wasn't important enough to be attended to personally by the Messenger of the Gods. But Accord was obviously enjoying some private reason for this, so neither of them called him on it.

The family finished their meal and began to scatter to their daily routines. Finally there were just Strife, Bliss, and Accord left. Strife was eyeing Accord narrowly, a small smile playing over his lips. Accord, again trying to sound casual, said, "Bliss, do you have time to show me that new scroll you got?" Bliss gave him a 'huh?' look, and Accord poked him under the table. "YOU know--the scroll?"

"Oh. Um... Yeah."

Strife waved at them. "G'wan an' share your secrets." When Accord gave him an apprehensive look, he cackled. "Nah, I don't know what it is, but secrets naturally give me a buzz."

Bliss led Accord into his bedroom. He eyed his young uncle as he shut the door, and quickly laid a soundproofing spell over the area. "Okay, what is it that you can't talk about it in front of the rest of the family? Nothing's wrong--I'd be able to tell. In fact I've been getting a real charge from the Halls of War lately. It just about knocked me out of bed last night, and I know it was too intense to be just Ares and Joxer having a really good roll together."

Accord was bouncing on his heels, full of nervous energy. He'd been trying to plan the best way to tell Bliss, but now he just blurted, "Dude, you're gonna be a nephew again!"

Bliss' face split in a pleased grin. "All RIGHT! Impetua won't be the baby anymore. She enjoys it, but she feels obligated to bitch occasionally. Uh... Which of them is...?"

"I'm glad you didn't just automatically assume it was Joxer," said Accord, "because it isn't. Ares is gonna give me a baby brother or sister. He's the best dad around." Bliss arched an eyebrow. "All right--he's in a four way tie with Joxer, Cupid, and Strife."

"Which do you want, Cord--brother or sister?"

"I hadn't really thought about it. Either one would be cool. If it's a brother maybe I can make his love life a little easier by teaching him mediation for his relationships with women... Why are you laughing?"

Bliss sat on the edge of his bed, holding his sides while his laughter died down to chuckles. "It wouldn't work that way, Cord."

"Why not? Give me three good reasons."

"Well, for one thing, logic has absolutely nothing to do with love. For another, what makes you think you understand women enough to council on what will work with them?"

"That's two. Give me one more reason."

"I'll give you two more. You might have a sister instead of a brother, and if you have a brother, he might not necessarily need advice on how to get along with women."

"Why...?"

"Think about our households for a minute."

Accord thought, then blushed, and Bliss nodded. "Right. I guess I shouldn't make assumptions even before the baby is born."

"Well, people DO automatically make some assumptions--there's no way you can cover every possibility. I'm just saying it's possible. You know that your dads are gonna raise the new kid to be prejudice free in that area. Anyway, you won't have to worry about that for fourteen or fifteen years."

"Yeah. I guess that isn't too long. Well, I gotta go." He threw his arms around Bliss and hugged him fiercely. "I love babies!" Then he was gone in a flash.

Bliss had frozen the second that Accord touched him. Accord was fourteen, going on fifteen. *Accord, I'm here to tell you that's a long, LONG time, depending on what you're waiting for.*