The Hercules Picture Show

Autolycus watched as Columbia placed Eddie's note on a pedestal and press various levers. "So, how does this thing work?" he asked.
"I'd explain," said Columbia. "But it involves a lot of math." To Autolycus' surprise, the note vanished in a flash of light. "There. Hope it got to Dr. Scott in one piece."
Autolycus looked at all the strange equipment in the room. "So, whaddya call this thing?" he asked, pointing to a device that was box shaped with one side made of glass.
"Oh, that's a TV." said Columbia.
"I'm a big boy. You don't have to spell things around me."
"No, no, it's a television monitor." said Columbia. "See, there's these security cameras all around the castle...."
"Um, what's a security camera?" Autolycus had a feeling he wouldn't like the answer.
"Well, it takes pictures of things going on around the castle and you can see them on the TV."
"Oh, so it's like a scrying glass." Only gods and the most powerful of wizards owned such things.
"Here, I'll show ya." Columbia turned on the monitor and screamed when she saw what was happening in Hercules' room. "Frankie! How could you?"
Autolycus was likewise shocked. "Whoa! I knew Hercules was strong, but I didn't know he was flexible too!" He cocked his head to one side as he watched the goings on. "Huh, didn't know he was into men. Also didn't know he could do that!" Autolycus' eyes went wide with shock. "Someone's gonna have a sore hamstring in the morning!" Autolycus' jaw dropped at what he saw next. "By the sweet ass of Hermes! What in Tartarus is that?"
"Oh, Frankie told me I was the only one he'd do the Slinky with!" Columbia moaned.
"Is that what it's called? I'm getting a crick in my neck just watching!" Autolycus knew that he should probably stop watching this, but he couldn't. "Hey, looks like Herc's taking the lead now. Ooh, wheelbarrow maneuver! You know, it makes sense in a way to do the wheelbarrow with another guy. Most girls just don't have the upper body strength to pull it off. Hmm...wonder if Xena's ever done the wheelbarrow maneuver."
"Frankie, why?" Columbia whimpered.
"Hey, what do you care?" asked Autolycus. "Aren't you with that Eddie guy?"
"Frankie drove me into Eddie's arms." Columbia said, wiping away tears. "After Eddie got a job working as Frank's delivery boy, Frankie lost all interest in me and started chasing after him. Well, turns out Eddie just don't swing that way."
"I didn't think Herc did either." said Autolycus. "And yet, there he is with Frank and...hey, where'd that bit and bridle come from?"
"Eddie started payin' attention to me." said Columbia. "He was real sweet and he had this bitchin' motorcycle! Well, Frankie gets this wild hair up his ass and decides he's gonna go back in time, seduce Hercules and make him his love slave."
"Looks like mission accomplished." Autolycus observed.
"Nah. Herc could still walk away if he wanted."
"Well, limp away." Autolycus amended.
"Yeah, I guess. Anywho, Frankie was just gonna mind whammy Herc and bring him back to the twentieth century with him. Then, he met you and that Joxer guy while you were trying to break in."
"We almost got away, too! How'd you catch us?"
"Security cams. Showed everything. Also, I think Frankie likes Herc's pal, Iolaus. He always did have a thing for blonds, y'know? And just to cap everything off, he's gonna give his creature half of Eddie's brain! Frankie just uses people and tosses them aside like Kleenex!"
"Uh, there, there." Autolycus wasn't adept at comforting people, but he figured patting the lady's shoulders might help. "I can't figure why Frank's so obsessed with Hercules anyway. I mean, if he's from another time like you said how has he even heard of Hercules?"
"Oh, he's a big fan of the old Steve Reeves movies."
"Movies? What are those?"
"OK, um, that's something like a play, I guess. Y'know, people acting out stories and stuff."
"No kidding? People still tell stories about Hercules in the future? Do they, ahem, tell any stories about me? Autolycus, the King of Thieves."
"Um...I never heard about you until now, so, no."
"Well, that's disappointing!" said Autolycus. "I mean, yeah, Herc's a hero and all, but I'm the King of Thieves!" With that, he swept Columbia off her feet, dipped her, looked into her eyes and said "Hail to the king, baby!"

Eddie led Joxer outside the castle. "Rain's dyin' down." Eddie commented. "Won't be so hard to drive."
"You gonna hitch up some horses or something?" asked Joxer.
"Naw. I'm Texan, but not that Texan."
"What's Texan?"
Eddie stared at Joxer and said "Boy, if you have to ask, you'll never know!" Eddie whipped the tarp off his motorcycle.
"What's that?" Joxer asked.
"That there's a motorcycle."
"A what?"
"It's a 1947 Harley Davidson." said Eddie. "Got it at an Army surplus store."
"What is it?"
"It's got a fuel injected engine and chrome rimmed vulcanized tires."
"What is it?"
Eddie sighed. "It's a magic metal horse."
"Oh. Why didn't you say so?"
Eddie sighed and put on his helmet. He looked at Joxer. "I guess that stupid lookin' helmet you've already got will do."
"Hey! Don't call my helmet stupid!"
Eddie straddled the motorcycle. "Just get on behind me, boy!" Joxer climbed up on the pillion seat. "Now, ya wanna hold on tight. We're gonna be speedin' outta here like a bat out of Hell!" Eddie turned the key and revved up the engine. The motorcycle made a noise that Joxer was sure no horse would ever make. It sounded more like a lion's growl. Then the growl got louder and longer and they were off at a breakneck speed, Joxer clinging to Eddie and screaming at the top of his lungs.

Xena and Gabrielle had taken shelter from the evening rain in a stable. They woke to the sound of a beast roaring and a woman screaming. Argo flinched and whickered at the unearthly noise. "What in Tartarus is that noise?" said Xena, reaching for her sword.
"Sounds like a woman being attacked by a monster." Gabrielle said, grabbing her staff.
"That's not a woman," Xena said, listening to the scream. "That's Joxer!"
The two women left the stable to see the chaos. The monster was racing about at breakneck speed while Joxer and a heavy set man clung to its back. Its legs were moving so fast they looked like wheels. The monster made an intense roaring sound and had only one glowing eye that cut through the darkness and it. Xena threw her chakram at it, only for it to bounce off with a metallic "ping". The monster came toward her, the growl decreasing in intensity as it stopped. "You crazy woman!" the heavy set man said as Joxer continued to scream. "You coulda put my tires out with that blasted thing and I can't get new ones anywheres 'round here!"
"I was trying to kill that monster that caught you and Joxer!" said Xena, neither knowing nor caring what "tires" were.
"Monster? Ya mean my Harley?"
"Harley? You named this beast?"
"Um...any way we can get Joxer to stop screaming?" asked Gabrielle.
The heavy set man kicked the side of the beast, causing a metal rod to poke out and balance the beast while he got off. "C'mon, Joxer," he said, helping him off. "Settle down now."
Joxer stopped screaming and began panting for air. Then he threw up and passed out. "That boy ain't right." the heavy man said with a sad head shake.
"Who are you?" Xena demanded as Gabrielle tended to a fallen Joxer.
"Name's Eddie Scott, ma'am." he said, extending his hand.
"Xena." she said, taking his hand in a warrior's grip.
"I'm Gabrielle." Gabrielle said as she wiped a recovering Joxer's forehead.
"I'm sick." Joxer moaned.
"OK, I'll get right to it." said Eddie. "Your buddies Hercules and Iolaus need you. They're bein' held at Frank N. Furter's castle."
"Who's Frank N. Furter?" asked Gabrielle.
"He's a sick freak, that's what he is!' said Joxer.”He wants to cut off my...." Joxer whimpered pathetically.
"I can take one o' y'all there on my Harley." Eddie offered.
"You and Joxer take the Harley." said Xena. "Gabrielle and I will follow on Argo."
Eddie watched Xena saddle her horse. "Think y'all can keep up with me on that critter?"
"Think 'y'all' can keep up with me on yours?" Xena retorted.
Eddie chuckled at the woman's turn of phrase. "C'mon, Jox." he said, turning back to his bike. "Hop on."
"Do I have to?"
Eddie sighed. "Knew there was a reason they call it the bitch seat." He pushed Joxer into place and straddled the bike, adjusting his helmet. Joxer shuddered as the metal monster roared. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!!!!!" Eddie screamed as he tore out on the bike.
"That thing does go pretty fast." Gabrielle pointed out.
"Just giving him a head start." Xena said, just before kneeing her horse on.
Eddie loved his rock and roll, but he was a bit fond of Johnny Cash as well. Right now, "Ghost Riders in the Sky" was playing in his mind. He hummed a bit of it as Joxer clung to him. He remembered Xena. He hadn't left her behind, had he? He took a peek over his shoulder, and saw a pale horse galloping close behind him, and galloping closer. Damn if she wasn't keeping up with him! In fact, the horse came right along side him. Xena smiled and waved at him. Eddie grinned back at her, revved the engine and tore off. "Ah, he wants to play!" said Xena. "Alright. Hya, Argo!" The air was heavy with the pounding of hooves and the roar of a motor.