The shattered shaft

Title: The shattered shaft
Chapter: 4 / ?
Fandom: Scrubs
Pairing: Cox / JD
Rating:Chapter rating – T (NC-17 overall)
Setting: Post “My lunch” and “My fallen idol” but before Kim. Probably partially AU, since Cox/JD are in established relationship.
Summary: JD never really imagined what it would be to loose control over his body. Still, things change pretty drastically. Hurt / comfort theme.
Author’s notes: Research about medication was based mainly on Wikipedia, so excuse me if something is off.
JD’s thoughts are written (like this).

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The shattered shaft
Chapter 4


It’s been a week since he woke up and JD was still in the same room in the same ward in the same bed and getting more and more impatient with every passing hour.

The dental surgery that followed the fixing of his hand went fine; it was a total count of four molars and premolars replaced with implants that would take a couple of months before they would become fully set, but at least his teeth looked more or less normal, even if his jaw still ached slightly.

His hand wasn’t doing so well though. The amount of analgesics he was on should be enough to keep the pain at bay, but somehow, it didn’t. It was swelling now; making it hurt more under the solid mass of the traction splint. He had asked Thompson about this, but the older surgeon told him that swelling and sensation of tightness was completely normal, even if highly uncomfortable. Uncomfortable, that’s exactly how he had put it, JD thought grimly. A few days with the feeling of knives constantly stabbing his hand would be enough for the other doctor to learn how to choose his words more wisely.

It was the middle of the night and he still couldn’t sleep. The fatigue and tiredness of his body made him drowsy but the constant, throbbing pain kept him from dozing off. JD wondered briefly what time it was exactly, but found himself too tired to bother. A navy blue glasses case lay on the bedside cabinet, holding his new, rimless glasses inside. They were simple (really, he wanted to pick the pair of huge Windsor frames in bright orange that strangely reminded him of John Lennon’s, but Perry said he would rather declare his undying love for Kelso then show himself in public with a Beatles-wannabe) but effective; rectangle lenses with anti-reflective coating and black temples, that, much to his satisfaction, made him look smarter and more professional.

His ophthalmologist confirmed the lack of abnormalities that caused his eyesight to blur. If there was any damage to the nerves it was not visible on the scans, including MRI, hence not really operable. The defect might go away after couple of months of wearing corrective lenses. Or it might not. Now JD knew how frustrated his patients felt when he said the same things. (We might be able to help you, or we might just leave it as it is. Hospitals really do suck when you are a patient. )

The soft sound of a door opening caught his attention and pulled him away from his thoughts. He could see a slightly smudged figure of Perry entering his room.

“Hey.” This was the usual greeting JD got from his lover on these rare occasions that Doctor Cox actually went to his room. JD wanted to say something, but as he shifted on the sheets his fingers responded with a nasty wave of pain. He only hoped that the older doctor hasn’t noticed the grimace that crossed his face for a moment.

“Jesus, kid.” Perry groaned and grabbed his chart out of habit, flipping few pages. “Don’t tell me they still haven’t got you anything stronger then Tylenol?”

JD merely snorted; a gesture quite uncharacteristic of him, but right at the moment nothing about JD was normal, including the multiple surgeries.

The older man raised his eyes from the chart to glance at the other doctor. Even though he did not vocalize his discomfort, he knew Newbie and his reactions like the back of his hand. There were small signs of pain that he was going through; eyes either squeezed shut or unfocused, drops of sweat on his forehead, and tiny, almost latent twitching of the fingers in the splint. Perry took out his pen, scribbled something on the chart and then slowly hung it back to its place.

“I’ll be right back.” He only muttered to himself and exited the room, leaving JD confused about his weird behavior. But when he was back after few minutes with small plastic cup holding two white pills and a glass of water, JD felt himself melting a little on the inside with unexpected warmth.

“What is it?” He asked, but took the cup obediently, giving himself a second to examine the medicine but taking it without protest. If Perry ever wanted to poison him he wouldn’t have to put much effort into it. He needed to drink them down quickly, as the two large pills almost stuck in his throat.

“Gabapentin*.” Came back a reply as Perry took his usual spot in the armchair, both hands pressing a little on his temples. The younger doctor looked at him with concern. Was his shift over by now, or did he just come to escape from pesky interns and overprotective nurses? “If you don’t feel any difference after this one we should probably switch you onto morphine, although I don’t like the idea. God knows you’re acting like you’re high on an everyday basis, we don’t need to encourage you more.”

“Har har.” JD muttered, trying to elevate his splint on the pillows more comfortably, but only hissed at the failed attempt. Without his notice Doctor Cox was by his bedside, raising his arm by his elbow to prevent any excess pressure and fixed the pillows briefly, making them more firm and comfortable.

When he was done and tried to move away, JD’s good hand grabbed his wrist. Perry looked at the hand for a moment, and then back at the kid, who hold his glare.

“Stay.” JD muttered, his thumb rubbing at the rough skin of other doctor’s hand in tiny circles. He was starting to feel a little drowsy and his right hand seemed to ache a little less with passing moments. The drug couldn’t affect him that fast, but Perry’s presence close to him was more then enough. “At least for a little while?”

There was a shadow of incomprehensible emotion or Perry’s face as the comment took him by surprise, but it was gone before JD had a chance to read more into it. The older man slowly took a seat on the edge of the bed, his hand still kept in the tight grasp of JD’s.

“They should probably release me in the next few days.” Again, it was JD who kept talking to the silent man, but the he had learned a long time ago that the lack of an answer did not mean he was not listening. “I miss home.”

“Hmm.” A hummed reply was rewarded by JD’s fingers slowly slipping through thick mass of Perry’s hair. “I think you should stay at my place for a while. It’s not like your flat is in best shape after what happened.”

“I will have to return to it sooner or later.” JD’s fingers now rested on the back of other’s neck, gently kneading the warm skin there.

“Later.” Perry brushed his fingers on the non-bruised cheek of the younger man and leaned in for a kiss. It was something they both missed and the first time it had actually happened since JD was admitted to Sacred Heart. First a gentle nuzzle on the cheek, slow breath warming the skin. Perry inhaled deeply, taking in the scent that could only be his lover, no one else. A uncanny mix of wild strawberry shampoo, toothpaste and something he couldn’t quite grasp, something that was JD’s only and something that greeted him in the mornings, along with the feeling of limbs tangled together and younger man’s breath tingling his neck.

Then he brushed their lips together; one pair his own, warm but a bit rough, and JD’s lips, for now chapped and dry after the prolonged stay in the hospital. He was a little afraid to slip his tongue in the warm cavern of JD’s mouth, so soon after his surgery, but when JD opened his lips invitingly, he forgot about his worries. The other’s hand still resting on his neck tugged him a little closer as Perry kissed his way into JD’s heart, even though he knew he had been there for a long time now. A soft whimper escaped his Newbie, muffled by Perry’s lips as the older man stroked his tongue along his, ever so slowly and lovingly; a trait that would seem uncharacteristic to anyone who didn’t really know him.
JD sometimes wondered how many people actually got to see Doctor Cox’s softer side. Carla, probably, since they had some kind of past together and the Latina nurse could see right through him. Ben and Jordan, obviously. And of course Jack. The little boy that got his entire unbound care and love without any strings attached.

JD gasped as Perry pulled back, his hand still holding him close in a loose grasp, but Perry didn’t seem to want to move away. Eyes slowly closing, JD muttered something to himself; a gesture that normally would cause his lover to mock him about how easily he could erase any comprehensible thought from his mind. This time Perry chose to say nothing, his breath mingling with JD’s as the kid slowly drifted off to sleep.

------

JD found it a little discouraging that his friends seemed to have no time for him, but he kept repeating to himself that they had their lives, jobs and maybe, just maybe, they had no idea how to cope with his new disability.

Carla was with him the most, her job making sure she visited him a couple times a day. While her presence had been a great help in the first two or three days he was awake, now he slowly started to get tired of the worried look she gave him every time. He often faked sleep when she was about to enter his room. It made him feel bad, avoiding her on purpose while he knew that it was just her personality, just Carla’s way of being, to worry about everyone and mother them around, especially when her own child was about to soon enter this world.

Elliot wasn’t much of a help either. She still was one of his best friends, he still enjoyed her endless rants about how Doctor Cox was making all of the nice interns miserable or about how she was disappointed with Keith when he refused to take part in her new sexual fantasy (really, who would react other way when the huge part of a said fantasy involved shaving cream, ice, handcuffs and a stunt gun?). It was encouraging how she could still make the world resolve around her.

Turk seemed to be constantly in motion; surgeries kept him busy and he ran errands for the baby stuff and Carla’s crazy food cravings (seriously, strawberry cake with spinach? Ewwwies! ). The rare times his Chocolate Bear had time to actually stay in his room for a while he usually spent stretched in the armchair and spontaneously dozing off.

Maybe it was better this way, if people stopped paying him that much attention. Gods knew he usually loved it; he practically lived to get as much of it as possible. But not now. Maybe it was best to pretend nothing serious happened.

JD looked on his side where Turk slept curled in his seat. The poor guy got three night shifts in a row; no one could deny he was tired. He switched his eyes back to the clip chart on his knees with some plain paper sheets and the pen he was holding in his left hand. He was skeptical about it from the beginning and glancing on the doodly lines he tried to write down did not help to get his hopes up. Putting the pen away a little too forcefully he did not realize the noise woke up his best friend. Not until the said man stopped snoring and looked at him sheepishly.

“Dude, what’s up?” Turk muttered, wiping the sleep of his eyes and shifting in the armchair.

“Sorry, shouldn’t have woken you up.” Great, now he had to deal with the feeling of guilt as well. As if he needed it right now. “Try to get back to sleep?” He asked with hope.

“Nah, I’ve got to get running anyway.” Turk glanced on his watch. “Whatcha up to?”

JD looked back at the papers angrily.

“Nothing much. Practicing writing my name with left hand.” He showed him the chart clip and Turk took it to scan down the messy scribbling. “I can’t say I’m very successful so far. Now I understand why you surgeons are so careful about your hands. I always took mine for granted.” JD realized he was making his friend uneasy so he tried to shrug it off. “I can do this, Turk. I know I can. I can get one of the interns to fill the charts for me and just sign them off. I just have to learn how to do this with my other hand, until physical therapy shows any effect.”

“I know, JD.” The black man nodded and handed the papers back to him. “No one said it’s going to be easy, but I know you can do this. I believe in you, Vanilla Bear.”

“Thanks, Chocolate Bear. It means a lot.”

It did, it really did. The silent support from Perry, Carla’s mothering, Elliot cheering him up and Turk’s faith. It really did matter. JD knew he could not do all of this on his own. No one faced months of recovery without having anyone to help them out and in the long shot, it was all worth it.

But when his friend left to prepare himself for another surgery, JD couldn’t help but to stare down at the chart clip in his lap and feel the steady wave of frustration slowly washing over him. He grabbed the cursed item and flung it across the room, until it hit the wall with a sad ‘thud’ and fell down, scattering the papers around. If it all mattered so much, then why he was so angry?

------

It was late evening before Turk was back, but JD was sound asleep, doped on the pills that helped him to settle down for a night. It was a little disturbing for the surgeon that his best friend could not fall asleep without help of medication, but at his current state it was probably the best course of action.

As he neared the nurse’s station he leaned over the counter to plant a kiss on his wife’s cheek, only to notice her pouting. He frowned, his mind doing a quick check-up on all of his actions that day, wondering if he was the one to cause it. It didn’t seem like it.

“Baby, why the long face?”

Carla looked at him sadly and sighed.

“I spoke to Bambi’s physical therapist some time ago.”

Oh, so he hadn’t screwed up after all. That was a relief.

“Doctor Sofia Flynn? Short haircut, long nose, often takes patients from our surgery ward?”

“That rings a bell.”

“Bambi will have appointments with her on the therapy sessions once they take his splint off. Should be in about a month, but I’m already worried.” The confused look he had right after that comment made her roll her eyes. “She also majored in psychology and said that the head trauma and stress JD was through can make him snap if he doesn’t get a consult.”

Turk glanced back at his friend’s room, taking in the sleeping figure on the bed.

“When I talked to him earlier he seemed fine. Tired – who can blame him – but fine.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s ok.” Carla looked in the same direction sadly. “You know they are discharging him tomorrow afternoon?”

“Really?” His head snapped back to look at his wife and he smiled. This was first good news in a little while. “Wait, we haven’t cleaned up his flat yet! That place is a mess!”

“Relax.” The Latina woman placed her hand on Turk’s arm. “He’s staying at Doctor Cox’s for now. It’s not a good idea to leave him alone anyway.” Seeing his shoulder slump a bit she knew he already thought JD would be staying with them for some time. But with the baby coming up they really had no place. “He’ll be fine; he practically lives with him anyway.”

‘That is right’ Turk tried to convince himself. ‘Vanilla Bear is going to be okay. He will be just fine.’

Something deep inside of him roared with sarcastic laughter.

------

There were little things in his current state that made him frustrated. Not being able to write down his own name was the main factor; JD found it sad that even elementary school kids had the skills to do it, while he was supposed to learn them all over again.

There were also other issues; the fact that his left hand was less coordinated when it came to grabbing things was apparent when he tried to brush his teeth (carefully avoiding the place of dental surgery for couple of days) or right about now, when he was desperately trying to button up his shirt.

They were finally releasing him; thank heavens, as he started to have enough of the same hospital room. Perry had come in only for a few minutes today to hand him a bag with clean clothes before he disappeared in the ICU corridors again. His angry yells at the interns were well heard and JD smiled to himself, finding it somewhat reassuring. During his stay in the hospital JD wondered briefly if that excess racket the older attending caused on daily basis was done on purpose, to let him know that he was there, lurking around. That certainly was a possibility.

There were few more tests he had to take that morning, including the x-ray. They had to take the splint off for it and god, it hurt, but he let out only few whimpers. Everything on the x-ray looked fine; bones have not shifted and wires were still in place, which was good, really good. His recovery would be hell if he had to go through another surgery to fix the mistakes that could have happened during the first operation.

But right now, as he was waiting for Perry to finish his shift- only half an hour left, thankfully – he tried to dress himself on his own. Boxers and pants didn’t provide much work and JD was pleased to see that Perry had brought him his sneakers that didn’t require tying the shoelaces. The shirt, however, had few buttons that needed to be done and that was the current source of his frustration as he stand in the room’s bathroom and glared at his clothing.

When the door was opened JD’s head snapped around only to see Elliot standing in the door, as if surprised he was still here.

“Hey, looking good in those glasses, you know?” The blonde woman smiled at him genuinely as she took in the new feature of her friend.

“Thanks.” He replied, turning back to the small bathroom mirror and once again tried to do the buttons. Elliot looked at him with concern.

“You need help with that?”

“No.” The answer came out a little harsher then he planned and a pang of guilt hit him in the gut at the sight of her hurt expression. “No, really.” His voice was softer now. “I can do it, Elliot.”

It took him a minute to do one of the buttons, but another one proved to be more difficult for the less skilled fingers. JD looked down at the sink, sighing in resignation. Elliot simply smiled as she closed the distance between them and reached for his collar, fixing the buttons.

“JD, you know you can ask us for help, right? No one would look down on you for doing that.”

“I know.” He sighed again as her fingers brushed against the sensitive skin of his neck. “I just don’t want people to do everything for me. I’m not crippled for life, just for few months.”

“You are not crippled.” She wrinkled her nose as she stepped away from him a bit, all buttons done. “I just don’t like that word. Reminds me of the cheap TV shows that everyone around watches every day.”

“Then what’s the better word, ‘disabled’?” JD smirked, but it was a rather sad gesture from his side and Elliot pouted yet again but she chose not to press it. There was a hint of anger underneath all of his behavior and she knew he really didn’t need to stress himself out too much.

“Your bruises have gone down almost completely. What about your ribs?”

“Better.” He was glad for the change of subject, he really was. “Healing, but still sore. At least my jaw doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“What medications did they proscribe for you at home? I heard from Carla you got three weeks of medical leave.” Three weeks were not enough for his hand to recover, but should be enough for him to deal with his emotions. At least Elliot hoped so.

“Doctor Cox talked to Doctor Thompson and they both agreed to Gabapentin. I might have to take it later too, once physical therapy starts.”

She only nodded in understanding. They chat for few more minutes before Elliot’s pager had gone off and she had to go to do her rounds.

JD waited till she was gone then looked back in the mirror, examining his face. The bruising had gone down a lot, but there were still some signs of the attack. The black stitches on his temple, running down under the line of his hair (JD really regretted they had to shave small patch of his hair to apply the stitches, but thankfully, it was easy to hide), a little stiffness in his jaw that would disappear in few days and of course, the constant, throbbing pain in his right hand.

With a heavy sigh he leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the cool surface of the mirror, a silent chant already forming in his thoughts. (You can do it, Dorian. You can do it, you can leave now, everything is going well.)

‘I can help you if you want to’ He said to him that day, hoping to reach to him through the haze of drugs. How foolish he could be, really? ‘Take everything you want.’

(Even my health, my life, my faith.)

“Newbie?”

A strong voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he glanced at the door, slowly moving away from the mirror. Perry stood there, already changed in his casual clothes, hands in the pockets of his jeans and a slightly disturbed look of concern on his face.

“You ready to go?” The older man asked and JD was really glad he had not questioned him about the thoughts that were now going through his mind. He wasn’t even sure he understood them himself and explaining it to others right now would be an impossible task.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

He really hoped he wasn’t just fooling himself.


......................

* Gabapentin seemed to be the best analgesic choice. It relives pain (especially naturopathic, like in this case), it’s used as chronic-pain medication and also acts as anti-depressant. Its side effects are rare and not dangerous and there is little possibility to become addicted to it.