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Be A Man	By : cowgirl65 Category: 1 through F > The Big Valley Views: 3052 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I in no way own The Big Valley. I make no money from writing this, just the personal satisfaction of (hopefully!) entertaining those who love the show as much as I do.

Chapter List
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Jarrod gave a smile as she poured his drink. The heavily made-up blonde responded by running her fingers through his hair and letting her hand trail down his chest to his groin.
“If you want anything else, name’s Sadie,” she whispered in his ear before sashaying off to serve another customer.
Jarrod sighed as he sipped his whiskey. The caress had made his manhood twitch, but it wasn’t anything more than a physical reaction. He’d paid for the services of a soiled dove a couple times since coming to the city, wanting to see what all the fuss was about, but the encounters had left him cold. He received just as much satisfaction from his own hand and that he didn’t have to pay for.
Just another reason I’ll never be the way Tom Barkley thinks a man should be,he told himself bitterly as he swallowed the liquor in one gulp. Not that his father had ever taken him to any of his favourite sporting houses, but he’d overheard the talk in the bunkhouse and his father bragging about the women he’d spent time with. Such a great man, husband and father. Wonder what the good folks of Stockton would say if they knew the real Tom Barkley,was Jarrod’s cynical thought.
“Hey, you.” Jarrod turned at the call. “Yes, you, young man,” the dapper looking gentleman at the next table confirmed. “Do you play cards?”
Jarrod gave an uncertain nod. “Yes, sir, why do you ask?”
The well-dressed man gave a debonair smile as he gestured to the two empty seats. “We need another if we’re to keep playing,” he explained. “The other gentlemen, alas, have run out of funds.”
Jarrod thought about the few dollars in his pocket. He’d been living frugally and had a bit extra this Saturday night, why not treat himself to a little fun? The hands at the ranch had always been happy to include him in their games; he knew enough about poker that he might even win a little. “Reckon I could play a few hands,” he said as he got up and moved to the other table.
The dark-haired gentleman held out his hand and shook Jarrod’s warmly. “Name’s Jack Darby and my illustrious opponent goes by the handle of Chance.”
Chance gave Jarrod a noncommittal nod as the younger man sat at one of the empty chairs. Jack offered Jarrod the deck of cards.
“Now I never play with anyone I don’t know,” he said with a wink and a twinkle in his blue eyes.
Jarrod smiled back. “Jarrod,” he offered as he demonstrated his ability to shuffle the cards. “I do have to tell you that the stakes I can play for aren’t very high.”
Jack gave a dismissive wave. “It’s all for the fun of the game, my boy.” He gestured to Sadie. “A bottle for me and my friends,” he instructed and plucked one of the bills in front of him to tuck into her bodice when she delivered the whiskey.
They settled down to their cards in earnest, staying within the modest amounts Jarrod was able to bet or raise. Chance didn’t say much unless it was regarding the game, but Jack was a different story. By the time the game was winding down along with the bottle of booze, Jarrod knew Jack was only six years older than himself and grew up in New Orleans, the names of his seven brothers and sisters, the finest saloons and gaming houses the gambler had been in, where to find the best steak in the Midwest, along with various other tidbits. Jarrod found himself talking about Stockton and the ranch, his job on the docks and his aspirations to become a lawyer. He glossed over his relationship with his father, but knew some of the resentment likely came through.
Chance eventually tossed his cards onto the table face down. “That’s it for me,” he pronounced. “Thanks for the game, gents.” He collected his money, stood up and tipped his hat before leaving in the same business-like manner he’d played cards with.
Jack eyed Jarrod over his cards. “Raise, call or fold?” he asked.
Jarrod looked at the hand he was holding. Three sevens, the jack of hearts and the ace of spades looked back at him. Not a great hand, but not that bad either. He glanced down to his modest stack of coins and bills. He wasn’t sure if he was ahead, but didn’t think he’d lost much either. “I’ll see your two and raise five,” he said with the boldness of imbibing somewhat more alcohol than he was used to as he pushed the money to the center.
Jack’s eyes twinkled. “Hmmm,” he said, tapping his chin. He glanced over to the bar where the bartender gave him a meaningful look. “I think our host is wanting us to retire, so let’s make this the last hand.” He tossed a half-eagle on the pile. “I’d like to see what you have.”
Jarrod fanned out his cards slowly and waited. Jack raised an eyebrow and set his cards in front of him without bothering to turn them over. “The pot is yours.”
Jarrod tucked his winnings into his pocket. “Thanks for the game and the drinks,” he said and got to his feet unsteadily. He gripped the table as the room started to spin and felt a steadying hand on his elbow. “Guess I don’t usually drink that much,” he said sheepishly.
“Well, you’re in no condition to be roaming about the streets on your own,” Jack told him. “I have a room upstairs, why don’t you sleep it off and leave in the morning?”
Jarrod sensed the sincerity in the other man’s voice. “I don’t want to be a bother…” he started.
“Not a bother at all,” he was assured as Jack gently propelled him towards the stairs.
Jarrod made no more protest as they made their way to the room and Jack opened the door, secretly glad he didn’t have to find his way to his lodgings. Jack steered him to sit on the edge of the bed and bent down to help him remove his boots.
“So, Jarrod,” Jack asked as he sat beside him, “have you had much experience with the pleasures of the flesh?”
“I’ve been with a few women,” Jarrod said slowly, wondering why Jack would ask such a personal question.
“Ah,” Jack replied with a lustful gleam in his eyes. “Women are nice, but…” He leaned forward and kissed a surprised Jarrod hard on the lips. “They’re nothing compared to the pleasures that can be had with a man.”
His hand pushed against the front of Jarrod’s pants and, startled, Jarrod felt his cock stiffen in response. This time, Jack’s tongue probed into Jarrod’s mouth as he kissed him and his hands moved to unbutton Jarrod’s shirt.
“I’m not going to do anything you don’t want,” the gambler murmured as he sucked on Jarrod’s earlobe and his hands started to roam across the young man’s chest. “Just ask me to stop and I will.”
Jarrod was too shocked to speak, let alone protest. Jack’s fingers playing with his nipple as the other hand unfastened his pants made Jarrod’s organ swell with an unexpected desire.
This is so wrong,he told himself, but his hips moved forward almost involuntarily as Jack’s hand reached further into his pants to stroke his sac. A part of his mind said he should put a stop to what was happening, but he had never felt so aroused before. Jack’s lips travelled back to Jarrod’s and this time the younger man took the initiative to let his tongue explore Jack’s.
Jack’s mouth left his to trail down his chest and then the gambler knelt between his legs and tugged off his pants. Jarrod held his breath in nervous anticipation as Jack stood and stripped off his own clothes.
Oh, God, what am I doing?Jarrod thought as Jack crawled back onto the bed, but the aspiring law student reached up to touch Jack’s hard member. Jack stretched out on top of Jarrod and pushed his hand away so he could grab both their cocks together. We shouldn’t be doing this… Jack’s hand was almost large enough to encompass both penises completely and he started moving his hips to rub his engorged manhood against Jarrod’s. His tongue invaded Jarrod’s mouth again and Jarrod began to push back. Their tongues battled and their cocks strained against each other. Jarrod gasped when Jack’s hand moved between his buttocks and a finger was abruptly thrust up his ass. But he was too far gone to object and when Jack hit a certain spot, Jarrod exploded, smearing hot fluid between them.
Jarrod shuddered and moaned with the strength of his orgasm. His body tensed and then relaxed, only to tense again at the pain when Jack’s cock pierced his tight hole. What the devil…? Jarrod thought and then Jack’s sex hit that spot again.
“Just relax,” Jack whispered in his ear, holding still. Jarrod felt his erection grow again as his sphincter loosened and before he knew it, he was moaning in pleasure as Jack’s length was buried in him completely.
“Can’t have this with a woman,” Jack groaned huskily and Jarrod looked up. Jack’s blue eyes were filled with lust and Jarrod knew his were the same. Jack pulled out until only the tip of his cock remained inside then drove into Jarrod hard. Jarrod gasped with the pain and pleasure as Jack pounded into his ass. He reached down, grabbed his own shaft and started stroking hard. He felt the hot seed pool at the base of his cock and his body bucked and trembled as he came again. Jack moaned as he gave several more short, sharp thrusts before collapsing against Jarrod’s chest. He kissed Jarrod’s neck and rolled off.
Jarrod just lay on his back, gasping as Jack’s hand lazily roamed over his chest and belly. His head was a bit fuzzy from all the whiskey, but he was fully aware of what had just happened and knew he had participated willingly. He continued to try and wrap his mind around it as Jack nestled close and soon heard soft snoring as the other man drifted off to sleep.
Jarrod carefully extracted himself from Jack’s embrace, quietly pulled on his clothes and left the room. He exited the building by the back stairs and started walking. His backside ached with every step, but he kept going without any particular destination in mind.
He just had sex with another man. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that sort of thing happened; he remembered hearing two of the hands in their bedrolls one night and the trail boss taking him aside to explain on the one cattle drive he’d been on.
But it wasn’t just that he’d lain with a man. It was that he desired that man, wanted him more than he’d ever wanted a woman and the resulting climaxes had been the most intense he’d ever had in his young life.
What he’d done was against the laws of God and man; how could he want to uphold the law and do something that was so depraved at the same time? Maybe his father was right; maybe he wasn’t any kind of man.
The sun was rising when Jarrod found himself among the homes of the affluent on Nob Hill. When he saw the church as he rounded a corner, he feet took him up the steps and he sat quietly in the deserted back pew. The sermon was already underway, the well- dressed patrons occupied the seats near the front and Jarrod hoped that his less prosperous attire would go unnoticed.
He hadn’t attended services since he’d come to the city, using the luxury of a day off to catch up on his rest and pour over the law books Harkins assigned to him. As he listened, he thought how appropriate it was that the teaching for the day was the parable of the Prodigal Son. Jarrod held back bitter tears as the priest talked about love and forgiveness; he didn’t think his father would ever welcome him back with open arms, especially if he discovered exactly how tainted his oldest son was.
“…with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love.” The priest bent his head with his final words and gestured to the choir. The stirring sound of voices rose in harmony as the church’s patrons filed out into the morning sunshine.
The words of the hymn resonated through Jarrod’s being.

Just as I am, without one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me,
and that thou bidst me come to thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
with many a conflict, many a doubt,
fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
sight, riches, healing of the mind,
yea, all I need in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thy love unknown
hath broken every barrier down;
now, to be thine, yea thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
He was who he was, Jarrod realized. His newfound knowledge that he preferred men over women was no different than his desire to be a lawyer rather than a rancher. Was it a greater sin to lie with a man than sleep with a woman who wasn’t one’s wife? The Bible condemned both, yet he wouldn’t be surprised if many of the well-heeled men who’d been among the congregation were guilty of that sin and likely a multitude of others. And just because he had those desires didn’t mean he had to act on them. It was what one did with his thoughts and how he treated others that made someone a man.
The priest gave him a kind look upon re-entering the church and left him alone. Jarrod sat in the welcoming silence and came to a tentative peace with himself as one of the verses of the hymn echoed in his mind.

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

A/N:
Ephesians 4:2 “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love”
The hymn is Just As I Am Without One Plea words by Charlotte Elliott, 1835, music by William Bradbury, 1849.
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Be A Man