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Trespass	By : kattanon Category: S through Z > The Shield Views: 2004 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Shield, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 40
- 41
Disclaimer: - I don�t own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Trespass Chapter 41

Vic had to wait about half an hour for Dutch to make an appearance in the kitchen. Dressed, his hair still damp and mussed up from a shower, Dutch looked rather sheepish as he pulled out one of the tall stools from underneath the breakfast bar and sat down on it.
"How are you feeling?" Vic asked.
Clearing his throat, and glancing briefly up at him before looking away again his face colouring slightly in embarrassment, Dutch replied,
"Fine�um well not too bad. A bit of a headache, but I guess I deserve that huh?" Dutch looked back up at Vic and gave him a weak smile.
"Yeah�yeah I guess you do." Vic snapped, watching while Dutch winced at his sharp tone, the unconvincing smile on his face fading, and being replaced by a look of apprehension. Still feeling pissed at Dutch over the night before, but having done too many stupid-ass things himself in the past not to feel a little sympathy, he softened his tone when he asked, "Do you want some more coffee?"
"Please." Dutch said quietly, nodding.
As he poured out a couple of cups of coffee for him and Dutch, Vic casually added,
"I�ve dumped all your booze down the drain. So if you�re planning on getting wasted again tonight, and acting like an asshole, you�ll have to buy some more."
Dutch looked back up at him, studying Vic�s face. Vic could see that annoyance battled with embarrassment for a moment on Dutch�s face, and Vic braced himself for an argument, but the embarrassment won out. Eventually shrugging Dutch told him,
"Fine�whatever. I wasn�t planning on having another pity-party tonight anyway." That half-hearted, self-deprecating smile was back and Vic found himself not liking it very much. "Whatever you may think, I�m not turning into a drunk. It was just the one time, and it was stupid I know that."
"Yeah, well you�re right about that Dutchboy it was stupid. Letting some pricks push you around. You gotta push back Dutch, push back harder, let them see that you ain�t gonna take their crap. You know what guys like that are like, always looking for a weakness they can use. You can�t give it to them, you have to be strong."
When Vic had finished speaking there was silence for a moment until Dutch quietly replied,
"That�s easy for you to say. You didn�t do anything wrong."
Frowning Vic asked,
"What are you talking about?"
"Nothing�it doesn�t matter." Dutch hastily replied, taking a sip of his coffee.
Vic could see the other man�s mind working furiously trying to find something else to say to change the subject. Well too late. This was a conversation that was long overdue, and Vic wasn�t about to let Dutch deflect him from it now.
Taking a step closer to Dutch, Vic shook his head,
"Oh no, you�re not getting out of it that easily Dutch. You got something to say, then say it."
"I told you it�s nothing�nothing important."
"Yeah, well I�ll be the judge of what is, and isn�t, important. What did you mean when you said I hadn�t done anything wrong?"
Dutch looked extremely uncomfortable, dropping his gaze to the floor, wringing his hands. For a moment Vic wondered if Dutch would just get up and leave, but instead Dutch sighed softly and seemed to fold in on himself a little, his shoulders slumped, looking defeated.
Vic hesitated, wanting to tell Dutch that it didn�t matter, feeling responsible for the resigned defeat in every line of Dutch�s body and wanting to take it away. To make Dutch feel better, to make him feel happy. Now that they were finally going to talk things over Vic felt suddenly nervous. He still hadn�t expressed his feelings to Dutch about what had happened that night, his guilt for not doing anything to stop them, his feelings concerning the fact that he�d forced himself on Dutch too. Despite the little voice in the back of Vic�s head chanting that he was a coward he opened his mouth to tell Dutch that it was okay, they didn�t have to talk about it if Dutch didn�t want to. Before he could speak though Dutch beat him to it, taking a deep breath he said,
"That night�that night I lost something�No that�s not right�I gave something of myself away. I just let them�do�those things to me. I didn�t fight�I just lay there, and let them�" Dutch�s voice broke, and Vic wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, to tell him it would all be alright, but he stopped himself. He sensed that this was something that Dutch needed, he needed to get his pain out into the open, so Vic said nothing, standing still, watching Dutch as he took a deep, steadying breath and continued. "That was wrong, I should�ve fought back, tried to stop them�done something. I feel like�like I�m responsible�"
Despite his good intentions Vic didn�t like the way this was going and blurted out,
"That�s crap Dutch. You didn�t do anything wrong, you did what you had to, to survive."
"You don�t understand�you don�t know how I feel." Dutch told him. Dutch looked up at Vic and Vic took a sharp intake of breath at the pain, and bleak despair he could see in Dutch�s eyes. "You don�t know�you didn�t do anything wrong."
"Jesus Dutch, neither did you. You want to go around handing out blame then what about me huh? You think I didn�t do anything wrong. How do you think I felt having to stand there and watch while they did that to you and not be able to help?"
Dutch shook his head, saying,
"That�s different Vic, you had no choice, you had a gun pointed at you."
"So did you. It just happened to be pointed at my head." Vic said softly, hoping Dutch would understand what he was trying to say. Hoping that he�d see that he�d had no choice too, that the choices he�d made that night had been the right ones.
Dutch stared at him, a slight frown on his face, and for a moment Vic had thought he�d gotten through to him. Then Dutch looked down at the floor again before asking in a quiet, sad voice,
"If it wasn�t my fault then why did they pick me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why me? Jesus, the guy was the washing machine repairman. I called him, let him into my house, I made him a cup of fucking coffee for Christ�s sake. What did I do while he was here that made him think I�d want that? I must�ve done something, said something�I keep thinking about it you know. Ever since the Captain came to the hospital and told me that they�d found them, that they were dead. Ever since he told me who they were, and that I�d let one of them into my house. I mean it must�ve been something I did cause he didn�t get his cousin and go round to all his customer�s houses in the middle of the night and�and rape them did he. What made me so special?"
Vic pretended not to notice when Dutch reached up and wiped his fingers angrily over his eyes.
"I can�t believe you�ve been thinking about this Dutch. Shit, I thought you were supposed to be into profiling, psychology, what makes the assholes tick. I can�t believe that you�re buying into that �it must be the victims fault� bullshit. Do you think this when you investigate a rape case? Do you look at the victim and wonder what signals they gave their attacker that would make the shit-head think they were asking for it?"
"No!" Dutch sounded angry with him, and it was a relief for Vic to see some of his anger directed outwardly, instead of in towards himself. "That�s�that�s not the same�"
"Yeah, why?" Vic asked him. "What makes you so different from everybody else, that this has to be your fault?"
"It�it just is. It�s�I�m a man. It�s not supposed to happen to men, we�re supposed to be able to look after ourselves, fight."
"But it does happen to men Dutch, you know that."
"Yes I know, but�but it wasn�t supposed to happen to me." Dutch looked desperate and totally lost when he looked up at Vic. "What am I going to do? I don�t know what to do Vic."
Stepping closer Vic asked,
"I don�t understand Dutch�"
Interrupting him Dutch stuttered out,
"It won�t go away�I�m�I�m dirty, soiled. N�no one�s ever gonna want me again. I�m going to be on my own forever, with just that�In�in my head all the time. It�s all I dream about�I�I can feel them touching me�hurt�hurting me, and that�s all I�ll ever have."
"No."
"You know I�m right." Dutch insisted against Vic�s denial. "At work, when they look at me that�s all they see�damaged goods. Who�d want to be with someone like that?"
Vic couldn�t stop himself from stepping closer to Dutch, stopping right in front of him. Intellectually he reasoned that this was probably a bad idea, and it would just complicate an already fucked up situation, but his heart refused to listen to his head. Vic hadn�t felt this nervous since he was a teenager. His stomach was tied in knots, his heart beating quickly in his chest; he had to resist the urge to wipe his sweaty palms against his pants. His gaze caught Dutch�s and never taking his eyes from Dutch�s he reached out and placed one hand on his shoulder. Dutch�s eyes widened, uncertainty present in his expression, a slight frown and the way he caught his lower lip between his teeth for a second, biting down and draining the colour from his lip, denoting his confusion. Vic could feel the slight trembling of Dutch�s body and knew he�d have to be slow and gentle if he didn�t want to startle the younger man. Vic�s eyes dropped down to Dutch�s mouth, Dutch�s lips were slightly parted and he nervously licked them, his tongue quickly skimming over his delectable lower lip. It sent a jolt of desire straight through Vic�s body. Unable to resist any longer, his suppressed desire coming to the fore Vic let it overwhelm him, he leant down slowly, being careful to give Dutch the chance to pull away. However, Dutch didn�t move and Vic gently pressed his lips against Dutch�s. He kept the kiss undemanding, almost chaste, determined to move only as fast as Dutch was comfortable with. Vic couldn�t resist bringing his other hand up to the side of Dutch�s face though. He slid it slowly up into Dutch�s hair and lightly threaded his fingers through the soft, brown strands. Vic could feel his heart thumping in his chest as he closed his eyes reveling in the moment, finally tasting the lips he�d spent so long trying to ignore, trying not to fantasize about, trying not to stare at. Very gently he swiped his tongue across Dutch�s lower lip and was delighted when Dutch�s lips parted and allowed him inside. Vic reveled in the taste of the other man, a mixture of coffee and mint. As Vic gently flicked his tongue against the roof of Dutch�s mouth he felt the tension in the muscles under his hands ease a little. A breathy moan escaped Dutch�s mouth and Vic willingly swallowed it up. One of Dutch�s hands slipped around Vic to rest in the small of his back. Vic felt himself shiver with desire when Dutch�s tongue hesitantly began to move against his.
Vic couldn�t stop himself from moaning as the sensation of Dutch�s tongue moving against his sent a bolt of desire straight to his groin. That was the sound that seemed to break the spell. Dutch�s body stiffened up immediately and Vic felt the hand that had been on his back suddenly on his chest as Dutch pushed him away. Dutch�s face was pale, his eyes huge with shock and confusion. Vic stepped back holding his hands out in front of him in a placating gesture, all the while cursing himself for his stupidity.
"I�m sorry Dutch. I didn�t mean for that to happen�"
Dutch stood up abruptly almost knocking the stool over in his haste. He sidestepped away from Vic towards the kitchen door, stumbling over his words,
"I�I�ve�um gotta go. I need�" He didn�t finish what he was going to say, turning towards the door.
Dutch had only gone a couple of steps, and Vic didn�t want him to leave, he needed to explain himself to Dutch, to make him understand. Reaching out Vic grabbed Dutch�s arm hoping to make him pause, hoping to buy himself some time,
"Wait, Dutch please I need to explain�"
But Dutch pulled his arm from his grasp, turning his head towards Vic as he left the room just long enough to say,
"I can�t�I can�t. I have to think."
The slam of the front door seemed very loud to Vic�s ears, as he stood in the kitchen alone. He didn�t move for several minutes before slowly walking towards the stairs determined to go up to his room and start packing.
- 40
- 41
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Trespass