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Release	By : KaticaLocke Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 3499 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Alex came back to herself slowly, the ceiling distant and blurry, and not nearly as ugly. She almost laughed - she might have, had she a breath to spare - everything always looked better after a really good roll in the hay. Her fingers trailed along the curve of one muscular arm as Bobby kept most of his weight off of her. That seemed the limit of his energy, though. He lay against her, still safely tucked inside, and breathed into the hollow of her neck. Neither of them moved. She wasn't completely sure if she was really too exhausted, or if she just didn't want to break the spell. She felt so good, so peaceful, so safe, as if nothing bad could ever touch her life again. She knew, in the back of her mind, that it couldn't last, but for now, she let her eyes drift closed, willing to surrender herself to even a moment's rest.

After a moment, when the blood had stopped rushing in her ears and her heartbeat had faded to a quiet patter, she brushed a strand of hair out of her face. As if taking his cue from her, Bobby withdrew, sending one last crackle of cold lightning through her body. He didn't leave, though. He lay beside her, one leg still entwined between hers, his fingers absently stroking her sweat-damp hair.

"I love you, Alex," he whispered. The sounds took far too long to register as words, and then longer still for the meaning of those words to become clear. It was as if her mind were trying to protect her heart, denying the information for as long as it could. It wasn't long enough. For a second, it felt like her heart had seized in her chest; she couldn't breathe. The pain quickly turned to anger, though, and her breaths came short and fast.

"You're cruel," she said, her voice deep and thick as she sat up and pulled away from his touch. "You didn't have to do that." He sat up and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Wait, Eames - " She shook him off and stood up, staggering across the cell to her pile of clothes, words pouring from her mouth as she fumbled into her underwear, thoughts she'd been holding inside all night, feelings she didn't want to share, but now, couldn't stop.

"No, I should have known better, asking you to pretend, but I couldn't stand the thought of another session like the first. I should have just left bad enough alone and closed my eyes, but no, I didn't want to hurt you. Never mind the agony you put me through. I had to constantly remind myself that the love in you eyes wasn't real, because the second I didn't, I started to believe. Isn't that what you want to hear, that the Great Robert Goren can fool anyone, even his partner? Your only mistake was pushing it too far, because I am your partner, I know you better than anyone, and I know you'd never say that." She snatched his boxers up off the floor and threw them at him.

"Alex, I - "

"Now you get personal. Now it's okay to use my first name. How does it fit into your strategy, your game? How long did it take to decide to call me Alexandra in the throes of passion, or were you faking that, too?" She felt hot tears running down her face. Her words were becoming harder to find, threatening to dissolve into one long scream, but she kept coming back to the same question. "Why did you say that?" He stood up and grabbed her by the shoulders, pulling her around to face him.

"Because it's true." She stared up at him, her gut twisting like a bed of serpents. How could he be so heartless, continuing to play with her like that? That's what he was doing, that's what it had to be. He couldn't be telling the truth. No matter how much she wanted it to be, it couldn't be the truth. It couldn't be. He was playing her. He had to be. Because if he wasn't ...

She drove her fist into his gut. The breath rushed from his lungs. He doubled over in pain and surprise. She landed a sharp right hook on the left side of his face. Her left was a little off, her fist slamming him in the mouth. His teeth cut into her knuckles, but she barely felt it. She wanted to hurt him, to kill him, to make him suffer half the pain he was putting her through. He reeled back, spitting blood, and grabbed her by the shoulders as she lunged at him again. She found herself face down on the cot, one arm twisted up behind her back with a knee between her shoulder blades before she could react.

"Get off of me!" she shouted, expecting him to relent as she struggled to get up. She was wrong. Pain lanced through her shoulder as he applied pressure to her arm, threatening to pull it right out of the socket. She went still, the only sound in the room their ragged breathing.

"What the hell's the matter with you?" Bobby asked, his words slightly slurred. "What did I do?"

"You lied to me," she spat. "You're still lying, like this is some kind of game, like I'm some suspect you're trying to force a confession from. Well you can just knock it off, because I'm not saying it."

"Not saying what?"

"That I love you." He was silent for a moment, then he let go of her arm and took his knee out of her back.

"I never expected you to," he said softly. She sat up, holding her shoulder as she rolled it in either direction. It hurt, but there was no permanent damage. "I didn't hurt you, did I? Your - your shoulder, I mean."

"It's fine," she replied coldly. "Hardly noticeable next to the pain of you ripping my damned heart out."

"Look, Alex, I don't understand. I told you that I couldn't pretend - I told you that in the beginning." He paused, that familiar 'following the clues' look in his eye. He seemed to hit on something because he took a half-step toward her, bending down until they were eye to eye. "I didn't mean that I couldn't pretend to love you, I meant that I couldn't pretend to love you." She shook her head, not in any mood for his convoluted logic.

"Just stop, Bobby, you're not making any sense."

"No, Alex, listen to me. I can't pretend to be a cop, because I am a cop. I can't pretend to be a man, because I am a man. And I can't pretend to love you, because I - I do love you. Am I making sense now?" She just stared at him, at the red welt on his cheek, at the blood dripping down his chin. Oh God, what had she done? He straightened up, turning away to pace the breadth of the cell and continued; "I�m sorry, I shouldn�t have said it, I - I shouldn�t be saying any of this, but you deserve to know.� He swallowed hard. �The reason it was so ... hard to let you be with me, is because - because I wanted it so much. I wanted you ... so much, and when I realized that I was hoping the curse would catch the two of us in a room together, I - I wanted to throw myself into the East River. I�m sorry, Eames, I tried to make you leave, I tried to keep from taking advantage of you, but - but I ...� His voice trailed off as he stopped pacing and let his eyes fall to the floor. �I�ve known for a long time that it would be so easy to love you; I never meant to allow myself to.� It hurt too much to look at his face, so, like a coward, she closed her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Bobby," she said, her voice small, hollow in her ears, her words grossly inadequate, but it was the only thing she could think of to say. She forced herself to look at her handiwork, at the red mark on his cheek, at the blood smearing his chin where his teeth had come through his lip. She glanced down at her left hand, at the blood on her knuckles, and only then did she feel the pain. He was waiting, needing her to say something, anything to make this all okay again, but she didn�t even know where to begin.

The silence dragged on, heavy, interminable, and Bobby finally sighed and began to turn away. Alex leaped to her feet, her outstretched hand finding his arm, stopping him. He glanced back, eyes dark and questioning, and she knew that if she failed to speak now, they would have little chance of surviving this. �I - I wanted to be with you, too,� she said, her throat aching with unshed tears. He turned to face her and she saw it again, that little boy looking out at her, wanting to believe. �When I thought you were pretending to love me, it hurt so much because I wanted it to be real. When you held me, touched me, kissed me, I wanted it to be real. Making love to you felt so good, so right, and I wanted you to feel it, too, that�s why I insisted we finish it.� He reached out and cupped her cheek in his big hand, his fingers sliding into her hair.

�We did make love, didn�t we?� he whispered.

He wrapped her in his arms and held her, resting his cheek on the top of her head. A pressure was building in the middle of her chest, an ache that pulled at the back of her throat and made her eyes fill with tears again. First instinct was to fight it, to bury it, but she was so tired, exhausted in body, mind and soul, and she didn't feel like fighting any more. Let the tears come. It wouldn't be the first time she had cried that night. She closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath, but instead of a sob, it came out as a sigh. The pressure in her chest welled up and spilled over, easing her pain like a warm bath.

Her pain. It didn't do anything for the hurt she must have caused him.

"Bobby, I - I'm sorry." That wasn't what she intended to say, but those words seemed to stick in her throat. He was silent for a moment.

"I know, Alex. Me too."
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