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Darkest Nights	By : Bucken-Berry Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 1449 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU or it's characters and I'm not making money from this.

Chapter List
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George walked back into the living room, thoughts racing. He'd considered everything carefully over the last few hours, and he'd come to a conclusion. The day before, he had told Elliot that he wanted to die, but he wouldn't kill himself, and at the moment, it had been the truth… but that was no longer the case. He couldn't handle it anymore.
He had tried to talk himself out of it, but he couldn't find a strong enough reason not to. Elliot wasn't even the biggest reason he had not to commit suicide. He loved Elliot, and he felt intensely guilty for deciding to do this, but the thing that had come closest to stopping him was what Keyes had said.
He'd become convinced that Keyes and the others were right about everything, absolutely everything, they'd said to him, and that included the times they'd said that he didn't deserve the peace of death. He didn't deserve to live, either- he just deserved pain, physical and emotional, and nothing else. But he was too weak to put up with it; he needed to escape.
He was going to finish what Keyes had started. Keyes had wanted him dead, and he was going to get his wish, months after the fact.
But first, he had to set some things straight. He picked the phone up and called Nora, hoping that, by some miracle, she would have today off and would answer. He had to talk to her one last time.
"Hello?" Nora greeted, after three rings.
George breathed a sigh of relief. "Nora, it's me," he said.
"Hey, George," Nora said, sounding relieved to talk to him again. She paused for a minute; George knew that she was trying to be delicate about asking how he was. "How are you holding up?"
"… I could be better," he admitted. "Are you- are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer, but time off is really hard to find… I'm trying to arrange some time to come see you, though," Nora said. "I want to be close to you; I want to help you through this."
George closed his eyes in weariness. "That would be nice. This has been really…" He trailed off, conflicted between wanting to convince Nora that nothing was wrong and wanting to tell the truth.
"The trial's been hard, huh?" she asked knowingly.
"Yeah. And I've been struggling with PTSD. I- Nora, I get panic attacks so easily, and the slightest trigger can send me into a flashback," George said painfully. Part of him didn't want to let Nora know, but the other part of him wanted to vent his frustrations. "I'm still there. I can just be doing whatever, and if there's a loud noise or a fast movement, or someone touches me without warning, or if someone says something wrong, or if I smell cigarette smoke, or ANYTHING, I'm right back there being tortured."
"I'm so sorry, George," Nora said sadly. "I haven't had to deal with PTSD, but I know it's truly awful."
"It is… just imagine the scariest moments of your life. Now imagine having to relive those every time something scares you. If something startles you, or if something happens that reminds you of it too much- a sound, a smell, a person, an emotion, anything. And then that sets you off, and you see what happened again. Not just a memory; it truly feels like it's happening again, exactly the same way it happened before," George told her.
Nora sniffled slightly. "I wish I was there to help you. I just… it's so overwhelming. I can't stand the idea of you being hurt. You're my little brother; I'm supposed to protect you," she said tearfully. She took a deep breath. "I talked to our mother and father… I didn't tell them any specifics, but I told them that you were hurt, and-"
"Let me guess; they said they don't care," George said. His voice wasn't even acidic; he just sounded hurt. He didn't even bother getting angry at others anymore- all of his anger was reserved for himself.
"George, I know it's no excuse, but they are very traditional. But I think that, if you show up at their doorstep, and tell them what happened, they'll come around… we almost lost you, but none of us knew. You were missing for a month, but for all I knew, you were just busy. I think this could be a wake-up call for them- it could show them that life is too short to cut people off over stuff like this. They don't approve of homosexuality, and they have the right to their opinion, but them disowning you is ridiculous, and this could show them that," Nora said.
"I know. I just… I don't feel up to it. It's going to take so much energy, and I'm at my limit already," George told her. "Between the nightmares and the panic attacks, and the trial… I'm using all of my mental energy just trying to manage the PTSD."
"I'll help as much as I can," Nora offered. "I mean, I know there's nothing on the planet that'll magically make it better, but it'll be better than nothing, right?"
George almost smiled. "Thank you, Nora," he murmured appreciatively. "Having people supporting me makes a huge difference."
Nora paused for a moment. "Listen, I have to get going in a minute. But George, please, please hang in there. As soon as I can, I'm going to come up there again. It looks like Elliot is taking good care of you, but if you need more people to vent to, try to reach me- even if it's just a text or an email. I'll always listen to you, and I'll always be there for you," Nora promised.
George's eyes became wet. He knew Nora would be upset once she found out about him committing suicide, but even that couldn't convince him. "Thank you, Nora. You have no idea how much that means to me- I…" He paused, trying to decide what to say. He had decided never to tell her any specifics of the tactics his attackers had used, but he needed to explain some of what they'd done to him mentally.
"When I was being tortured, my attackers weren't just hurting me physically," he said, voice dropping almost to a whisper. "They convinced me that I-" He swallowed. "They convinced me that everyone hates me, that I'm unlovable and I deserve for everyone to hate me. They convinced me that I deserve to be tortured, because I'm not a good person," he confessed.
"Oh, George," Nora murmured. George could hear her tears through the phone. "You're my only brother. I will always love you, more than you can know. Whatever they told you, it isn't true. You don't deserve any of-"
George shook his head as he listened. He knew Nora loved him, but what his attackers said was still true. He may have been loved by Elliot and Nora, but everyone else hated him- and with good reason. Even he didn't like himself, and he had compassion for almost everyone. If he couldn't do it for himself, it proved that they were right about him. He just wondered why he hadn't realized it sooner.
He sighed softly. "Nora, I just want to say… thank you. You're an amazing sister, and I love you. I also… I need to ask you a favor." He bit his lip. "If you get upset about this, or anything that might happen later, will you talk to someone? If you can't talk to me, will you talk to someone else? I know this must be upsetting for you."
"It is," Nora admitted. "I have been trying to talk about it, but it's been hard."
"Just try," George said softly. "I don't want you to be upset." He knew that Nora was upset about what had happened to him, and would be even more so when she got the call from Elliot. He knew she would be upset regardless of what he told her, but he still didn't want her to waste the emotions on him, so he wanted to prepare her as much as possible so the impact would be minimized. Eventually she'd realize that she was better off without him. Elliot would, too, but it would take time for them to realize it.
"George, anything I may be feeling is nothing compared to what you're feeling. Don't worry about me," Nora said.
He wouldn't be here long enough to worry about himself anymore- he had to worry about Nora. He exhaled sharply and said, "I love you, Nora. I'm lucky to have you as my sister."
"You too, George. And I'm lucky to have you as my brother," she said.
They hung up, and George sat in silence for a long moment. Nora loved him, and she'd be devastated by this… but he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted out.
He just hoped Elliot and Nora wouldn't be too depressed about this. They shouldn't care about him at all, but they did, for some reason George couldn't understand, and they'd be depressed by his death. But they were the only ones who thought like that, and eventually they'd realize they were better off without him. They'd get over it eventually.
He was afraid of dying. More specifically, he was afraid of what might or might not happen after death. He had narrowed it down to two options- either there was nothing, or there was heaven and hell, and he would almost certainly end up in hell if one existed. But even that was a much better option than this. Surely hell wasn't worse than the one he'd experienced.
George finally felt steady enough to proceed. He stood and walked through the house- before he killed himself, he had to make sure Nora and Elliot would understand.
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Darkest Nights