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Darkest Nights	By : Bucken-Berry Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 1449 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU or it's characters and I'm not making money from this.

Chapter List
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- 47
George took several deep breaths to prepare himself. He shuddered heavily, remembering how this had all started with a gun- the gun his attackers had held to his head to force him into the van. And now it was going to end with a gun.
He tightened his finger around the trigger, readying himself for the split-second of agony before the permanent darkness.
But then, before he could fire, the door opened, and he heard Elliot call, "George? I'm home!"
George bit back a curse. He had tried to plan everything perfectly- but apparently, that wasn't enough. He didn't even bother wondering why Elliot was home early. Whatever the cause was, it didn't matter; all that did matter was that now he wouldn't be able to follow through with his plan. The whole point had been saving Elliot the self-blame and guilt he would feel if he committed suicide while he was there. Since Elliot was home early, he wouldn't be able to go through with it after all.
Somehow, he didn't feel surprised. Nothing ever went according to plan anymore, and everything else had done nothing but cause him anguish- "Why should this be any different?" he muttered to himself bitterly. Maybe this was the universe's way of punishing him for trying to die when he didn't deserve such peace.
He bit his lip and silently set Elliot's gun back in the drawer. He folded the note and put it into his pocket; he'd try this again later, if he got the chance. Even if he didn't deserve it, that wasn't enough to stop him from seeking the only peace possible for him.
He stroked his own chest for a moment, closing his eyes as he steadied himself. Then he gave a resigned sigh and walked into the living room to greet Elliot. As upset as he was that his attempt had been unknowingly thwarted, he still smiled when he saw Elliot.
"Hey, doc," Elliot said softly as George walked into the room.
"Hey," George replied quietly. "Why are you home so early?"
Elliot paused, immediately deciding not to tell George the whole story, knowing that it would just open the door for more self-castigation from him, but unsure of where to begin. Finally he just shrugged and said, "I lost it with a suspect. Captain's making me take leave."
"You really need to work on your temper," George said. He wasn't scolding Elliot, but he did sound concerned. "You work with the worst, most twisted people on the planet every day, and now someone you love-" He inhaled slowly, forcing himself not to say anything about not deserving it- "Has been hurt by it as well. It's normal for you to be affected so much by the suspects after that, but that doesn't mean you should just let it happen. You're too… you're too involved."
"I know, I know," Elliot replied with a small huff. "We have an appointment with Rebecca later today. I'm going to tell her about it. I have to talk to a company shrink anyway, before I return. May as well get the real emotions out now, so I don't blow it then." He smiled sadly. "I wish it could be you who evaluated me, though. You get me better than the others."
"I wish so, too. I know how hard it is to talk to someone else," George said softly, walking towards Elliot. He wrapped his arms around Elliot's waist, both giving and taking comfort. He considered telling him what had just happened, but decided not to; he still wanted to commit suicide, as much as he hated to admit even to himself, and if Elliot knew, he'd try to stop him. And besides, if Elliot knew nothing, it could lessen the blame he placed on himself. Elliot would still feel guilty, but less so than if he knew and tried to help him, but failed.
But he still felt overwhelmingly guilty for not telling him. Elliot told him absolutely everything- why should he keep secrets from him?
"Do you want to talk for a while before we go see Rebecca?" Elliot asked gently. "You usually have an easier time talking to me than you do to her, just like I do."
"If you want," George replied. Elliot nodded and wrapped an arm around George's waist as he walked them towards the sofa.
"So what was your nightmare about?" Elliot asked. He pulled George into his lap and rested his chin on his head, hands coming to rest on George's back. He rubbed his shoulders gently, knowing that they were always tense, especially when George was under this much stress.
George inhaled deeply. "The same thing as always. They had me, and they beat me, cut me, burned me, and raped me," he muttered. "I was hungry and thirsty, and I was in pain, and I just felt hopeless. Like I… like I wanted to die."
Elliot held George closer to him. "It'll be okay," he murmured sympathetically.
"I hope so," George replied, sliding a hand over his pocket.
"I promise, it will," Elliot whispered.
George nodded and leaned into Elliot's hold, more conflicted than ever. If he told Elliot, Elliot would stop him, and he might never be able to commit suicide. If he didn't tell him, the guilt would continue to eat him alive.
"Can we not talk about that for a little while though?" George asked quietly, hugging Elliot. "I just want to sit with you for a little while and not think about all this."
"Okay with me," Elliot said, leaning back.
George relaxed into Elliot's hold, shifting downwards to rest his head over his heart so he could enjoy the soothing rhythm of Elliot's heartbeat.

George and Elliot walked into Rebecca's office a few hours later, both feeling slightly more relaxed after the time they'd had to regroup.
"Hello, Elliot. George," Rebecca greeted them as they walked in.
"Hey," Elliot replied with a slight nod. He and George started to walk towards her office.
"I want you both to talk to me separately this time," Rebecca informed them, to George's dismay.
George hadn't even thought he'd have to have another session at all, but now he was here, and he couldn't even have Elliot with him for support. He didn't feel even slightly ready to be alone during the intense, difficult, draining sessions. "Rebecca, I can't- I know we should, but I-" George protested, stumbling over his words.
"You need to be apart eventually, and it's better to get this over with now," Rebecca reasoned.
"Can't we stay together for one more week, and then do this separately when he's more prepared?" Elliot asked, wrapping a comforting arm around George's shoulder. "He's had a really rough week- we both have."
"In our most recent sessions, I've seen both of you become increasingly co-dependent towards each other, but that isn't why I want you to split up for now. I need to see how you're doing individually," Rebecca explained.
"Okay, then," Elliot said. "I'll take the first session, George," he added softly.
"Okay," George agreed shakily. He embraced Elliot tightly before Elliot pulled away and walked into the room with Rebecca.
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Darkest Nights