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Darkest Nights	By : Bucken-Berry Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 1449 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU or it's characters and I'm not making money from this.

Chapter List
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Elliot gathered his thoughts, trying to decide what to tell Rebecca. The memories of the last few days flashed through his mind, and he gave a deep sigh. He took in a few deep breaths and began, "I was on edge all day. Like I said, George has had a really rough time these last few days, and I've been furious with myself for failing to protect him."
"You do know that blaming yourself isn't healthy, right?" Rebecca asked, cutting Elliot off.
Elliot shrugged. "Unless the blame is deserved."
"You couldn't have protected him from this, Elliot," Rebecca said. "You can't blame yourself."
"No, I could have," Elliot protested. "I could have gone with him to Bellevue when he talked to his patient. And even after he was taken, I should have been able to find him- If I'd found him sooner, he would have been shaken, but he'd be okay. George has spent his whole life trying to help people, first trying to cure those sick freaks so they wouldn't hurt anyone again, then trying to catch them once he realized they couldn't be cured. The NYPD should have been able to save him, but we couldn't. I couldn't save him, and even now that he's back, I'm still failing him."
Elliot clenched his hands into fists. "I've triggered at least a half dozen flashbacks in him. I can't ease his nightmares. I can soothe his anxiety attacks and bring him out of the flashbacks, but even then it takes forever. I can't even make him feel happy anymore. No one can, but I'm his lover; I should be able to anyway, even when no one else can."
"You have to face the truth, Elliot," Rebecca said softly. "Taking the blame is just your mind's way of trying to give you- and George- some control back. But you can't control everything. You can't prevent things like this from happening, as hard as you may try. Keyes and the others are sick, sick men, and they had George in their sights. They wouldn't have given up until they got him; it was only a matter of time until they did this. It was terrible, and it's natural for both of you to blame yourselves like you do… but that doesn't mean it's healthy for you to do that. Neither of you are at fault."
"Also," Rebecca added, "George's mental state isn't your fault either. After all he's been through, feeling hopelessly depressed is practically unavoidable. George is very strong, and because of his experience with SVU and as a mental health professional, he's handled this better than most in the situation, but his mental state was bound to decline eventually. Him not being able to feel happy anymore, even despite your efforts, isn't your fault. You're good for George, and he knows it- he's just incapable of feeling pleasure right now, even from the person he cares about the most. And he does care about you, more than anyone, with the possible exception of his sister."
Elliot hung his head, taking a deep breath. "I know," he whispered. "I know, deep down, that it isn't my fault, but I just… he means everything to me, Rebecca. Him and my kids. Part of me still loves Kathy, and always will, but it was never anything like this. And George has been hurt so much, and I'm beginning to doubt he'll ever recover. I just want him to stop hurting. I want George to stop being dealt such a shitty hand and having his entire world hurt, and I feel like it's my fault his recovery isn't happening. When he woke up in the hospital…" He trailed off, swallowing hard.
After a few deep breaths, he managed to continue. "When he woke up the first time, he was delirious from fever, and he thought he was dreaming because he was with me, instead of being tortured," he said brokenly. "And do you know what he told me later? He told me that while he was there, he dreamed about being with me. Every damn day he was there, he was waiting for me to come and save him, Rebecca! He was waiting for me to get him out of there and help him pick up the pieces! He was counting on me to save him and make it okay again, and I never did! NOBDOY did! Until he was found on that road, no thanks to me, and that lady called 911 for him! That was the only time anyone did anything to help him!"
Elliot blinked rapidly, trying to stop tears from falling. He didn't succeed, though his voice remained steady. "George was there that whole time, and we never even got close to saving him. If he hadn't become septic, those bastards would still have him- or they might have killed him! Either way, I did NOTHING to help! Nothing at all! And yet he still asked for me when he was found on the side of that road! He was dying and he knew it, and he wanted to see me even though I never saved him! Even though I've always failed him and treated him like shit, he was still desperate to see me one more time!"
"But that's just it, Elliot," Rebecca murmured gently. "I've seen you blame yourself for so much, especially when the victims blame you. When a rapist gets off on a technicality, when you can't find enough evidence to convict a child molester, you blame yourself, and sometimes the victims do, too, and that makes it worse. But this time, when your best wasn't enough, the victim DIDN'T blame you. George loves you with everything he has; clearly he isn't mad at you for not saving him. He doesn't blame you, because he knows you're only human, and he doesn't want you to blame yourself."
"But the only reason George doesn't blame me is because he blames himself!" Elliot cried. "He thinks he brought it on himself, and that he didn't deserve to be saved! He thinks he should still be there, getting tortured and raped every damn day! Of course he isn't mad at me for not getting him out of there! That doesn't make my failures okay, Rebecca, it doesn't! I was supposed to save him!"
He gave a quiet sob and whispered, "I pictured it, so many times. I pictured him being tortured, and it made we want to cry and throw up at the same time. But I also imagined saving him. I was going to get a lead, find the place, and burst in. I was going to find him weak and in pain and shaken, but nothing a bit of rest, medicine, counseling, and a long vacation to recuperate wouldn't fix- I mean, he wouldn't be a-okay, but he would be able to work again and he wouldn't be this badly traumatized- and I was going to help him out of there and to the ambulance, and I was going to stay with him when he was admitted overnight to the hospital. I was going to refuse to leave his side even after I got his statement and the rape kit, and I'd help him to his place the next day. I'd give him his pain medicine and help rub that antibiotic/numbing cream on his cuts and burns, and then I'd help him to bed and stay with him to make him feel safe and protected. I, I hadn't realized I loved him yet, but I still… that was how it was supposed to happen."
"Instead, he almost died, and now he's so broken, I don't think he's ever going to recover. Those bastards are always going to have him mentally, even if it does get to the point where he isn't in the throes of a flashback or panic attack for half his waking hours. Even if he does recover the ability to function again… his life is still ruined. He isn't going to be able to work with special victims anymore. When he first woke up in the hospital and talked to the shrink there, we thought he might be able to, but now, it's pretty obvious that every case would make him panic. And interviewing serial rapists and murderers? No chance. His career with SVU is over; at best, he can profile for homicides. Working with special victims is as important for him as it is for me, and now he can't do it anymore…" Elliot trailed off, despair clear in his voice and on his face. "How am I supposed to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, and I couldn't have prevented it? If I had acted, he wouldn't be this much of a mess, and he'd have some semblance of his normal self..."
"Often, what you feel and what you know are very different things," Rebecca said slowly. "George knows that he didn't deserve what happened to him, that he didn't bring it on himself, that he isn't a terrible, arrogant, worthless, pathetic person, and that not everyone hates him. He knows that he deserves to recover, and that he deserves to have love and affection from you, and that he doesn't deserve pain and to be denied food and water. But he doesn't feel any of that, does he? It's the same with you. You're both blaming yourselves, because you both feel that you made mistakes, and because it it gives you some control over what happened- neither of you are currently able to accept that terrible things can happen for no reason at all. But accepting that there are times when you aren't in control is much better than self-castigation. The former won't lead to you hating yourself and becoming self-destructive."
"Elliot, you may think that George is the only one who was victimized by Keyes, but you were too. And he's convincing you to hate yourself the same way he made George hate himself. You're both his victims, even if you weren't his direct target, and if you want to help George, you can't let that continue," Rebecca said urgently.
Elliot closed his eyes, which were stinging from his tears, and tried to gain control of himself. Before he'd gotten with George, Rebecca had been the only person he'd allow to see him cry, but he still didn't want her to see him for very long. Even with George, he tried to hide his emotions, though that was more because he didn't want to add to George's burden than it was because of his own pride.
But strangely, letting people know he cared for George didn't bother him as much as he thought it would. He didn't even have a problem with Rebecca seeing him crying, as much that he didn't want her to have anything she could use to get him suspended from work for even longer. But he didn't mind telling anyone how much he loved George, and how much George's pain hurt him.
"I know," Elliot finally said, exhaling slowly. He took another steadying breath. "I know. I'm trying. I can't help George if I'm too busy blaming myself, but it's so hard. Part of me is never going to be able to accept that George was waiting for me to save him, and I never came. Part of me is always going to hate myself for that. But I'm going to try to get rid of those feelings, as much as I can."
"Good," Rebecca said approvingly. "It won't be easy, but it can be done."
"I'll try," Elliot said again. At the moment, he couldn't see it happening any time soon, but he knew he had to try. He couldn't help carry George's pain if he was struggling as much as George was.
He had never really wanted to change for himself, which was why he had never gotten his temper under control, but he could almost always be persuaded if it was for another person. He didn't care if he blamed himself forever, but if George needed him to stop, he would. He would do anything for George, anything to be able to help him recover.
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Darkest Nights