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Chasing a Butterfly	By : OpenPage Category: 1 through F > 21 Jump Street Views: 2592 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own 21JS or the characters. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. All characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is coincidental.

Chapter List
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Wednesday June 10th, 1992 (7.09 a.m.)
Sunlight streamed in through the bedroom window, the harsh rays shining directly onto Booker’s face. Moaning loudly, he circled an arm protectively over his head and rolled over on the narrow mattress. His body immediately came into contact with Tom and opening his eyes, he lowered his arm and smiled sleepily as he studied his lover’s tranquil face. Minutes passed, but when Tom’s bowed lips expelled a soft rush of air, he could no longer remain a silent observer and leaning forward, he pressed his mouth against his lover’s ear. “Wake up, beautiful.”
Tom’s eyes fluttered open, and a slow, lazy smile twitched at his lips, softening his features. The sight was so endearing, Booker found himself falling in love all over again. His stomach flip-flopped with hot desire, and his gaze remained drawn to Tom’s heavily lidded eyes. He was still in awe of the man lying next to him and he could not believe how lucky he was to have him in his life.
Embarrassed by the close scrutiny, a self-conscious blush colored Tom’s cheeks, and he rubbed a shaky hand over his sleep-tousled hair. “Why are you staring at me?” he mumbled sleepily through full, pouty lips.
“Because you’re so damn gorgeous,” Booker replied with a salacious glint in his eyes and draping an arm over Tom’s narrow waist, he cupped his buttock and gave it a playful squeeze. “Wanna fool around before I go to work?”
The sensation of strong fingers gripping his naked backside awakened Tom’s memories of his vicious assault and his body instantly stiffened. Panic squeezed his heart, and his blood pounded loudly in his ears, blocking out the sound of Booker’s voice. Drawing in a ragged, sobbing breath, his wide eyes filled with terror. He felt trapped and all he wanted to do was break free to a place of solitude and shelter.
Without warning, he suddenly unleashed his fear in an eruption of violent emotion. “LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!” he screamed and lashing out with his arms, he frantically struggled out of Booker’s hold and tumbled backward onto the floor. Confused by fear, he quickly scrambled across the room on his hands and knees to the protective corner behind the door, where he immediately drew his knees to his chest and protectively wrapped his arms around his legs. Moments later, he began to rock back and forth, his frightened eyes staring sightlessly out in front of him as his memories blinded him to reality.
Shocked by the severity of Tom’s reaction, Booker’s gaze remained transfixed on his terrified face. “Shit!” he exclaimed, and running a trembling hand through his hair, he wondered what he should do. It was during the moment of indecision that he suddenly understood why Doctor Li had been so averse to their affair, and he wished he had taken the therapist’s advice more seriously. If he had known Tom would react with such terror, he never would have initiated contact. But the emotion of the moment had distracted him from the harsh reality of his and Tom’s complicated relationship, and he had not paused long enough to assess the consequences of his actions. Now, because of his recklessness, both he and Tom were paying the price. He had fucked everything up and he only had himself to blame.
As he watched Tom continue his ritualistic rocking, Booker knew he needed to act quickly and rescue him from his fugue-like state. However, he was terrified of making the situation worse and so he pondered on the best way to proceed. If he approached Tom, he ran the risk of exacerbating the situation, but if he left him sitting in the corner swaying like a small, distressed child, in all likelihood, he would descend into a deeper psychosis. At that moment, neither option seemed appealing, but being a man of action, he eventually settled on the proactive solution and taking a deep breath, he crawled from the mattress.
“Tommy,” he murmured softly as he slowly inched across the floor toward his lover. “Tommy, it’s Dennis. Everything’s okay, baby. I’m sorry I frightened you, but you’re safe, baby and I promise you, no one’s going to hurt you. Not now, not ever.”
It took several minutes for Booker’s voice to register in Tom’s addled mind. But eventually, his clouded gaze cleared and he blinked rapidly several times before speaking in a detached voice that was eerily reminiscent of the first time Booker had seen him at the diner. “I don’t like being touched there,” he said, by way of explanation.
“I know, baby, and I’m sorry,” Booker replied in a pacifying tone and sitting cross-legged in front of Tom, he exhaled a heavy sigh. “I guess I thought everything was okay because of last night.”
A look of guilt immediately flashed across Tom’s face and he began to chew fretfully at his lower lip. “I led you on,” he whispered, his dark eyes filling with anguish. “Oh, God, I’m so fucking sorry.”
Troubled by Tom’s apology, Booker reached out and laid a comforting hand on his knee. “No, I’m sorry. This was my fault, Tommy, not yours. Doctor Li told me to let you set the pace and I should have listened to him. It’ll never happen again, I promise.”
A single tear trickled down Tom’s pale cheek and lifting his gaze, he stared into Booker’s worried eyes. “And what sort of relationship is that?” he whispered in a trembling voice. “I’m too afraid to be touched and you’re too afraid to touch me. How the hell is that gonna work? It’s so fucking screwed up.”
Booker shifted his position so he was sitting next to Tom, and placing a comforting arm around him, he gave his shoulders a tight squeeze. “It’ll work ‘cause we want it to work,” he replied softly, “and we’ll speak to Doctor Li together and get his advice. But, Tommy, I don’t care if we never have a full sexual relationship, I just want you in my life, okay?”
Resting his head against Booker’s shoulder, Tom closed his eyes and exhaled a weary sigh. “Why are you so good to me, when all I’ve ever done is cause you pain?”
“Simple,” Booker replied with a smile. “I love you.”
Tom snuggled in close, drawing comfort from the warmth of Booker’s body and tilting up his chin, he gazed up at him with sad eyes. “I love you too, Dennis, I really do. It’s just… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have sex with you.”
Although he had told Tom, it did not bother him, hearing the words said out loud made the reality more tangible and a shiver of regret mixed with sadness tingled Booker’s skin. He loved Tom with all his heart, but he was starting to wonder if he could actually make the ultimate sacrifice for him. The thought of never making love to another human being again was terrifying in its finality and he wondered if he could stay faithful in a relationship devoid of penetrative sex. However, he had a dogged determination that made giving up impossible and he decided to wait and see what happened. It was early days and Tom was still receiving extensive therapy. All he could hope was that one day, they would achieve what they both desired.
Placing his lips against Tom’s furrowed brow, he kissed him lovingly. “I told you, it doesn’t matter. One day at a time, okay?”
Tom’s expression visibly relaxed and he managed a small smile. “Okay,” he replied softly, unaware that Booker’s words were nothing more than a comforting lie.
**
One month later - Wednesday July 8th, 1992 (5.21 p.m.)
Tom shifted uncomfortably in his seat and focused his gaze on Doctor Li’s left ear. Once again, they were discussing his rape at the warehouse and once again, he wished they were talking about something else. The memories were still so vivid and he was unable to come to terms with the embarrassment and shame he felt. He had followed Ana like a sheep to the slaughterhouse and although part of him blamed Mosco, he also blamed himself for being so trusting. Once upon a time, he had been a first-class cop who relied on his instincts. But drugs had dulled his once perceptive senses, leaving him vulnerable to the lies and deception that rolled off the tongues of the unscrupulous. It was a valuable yet difficult lesson to learn because he continually questioned peoples’ motives, including Booker’s and by doing so, he remained imprisoned within a cloud of suspicion. He wanted to believe Booker when he told him sex did not matter. But a tiny voice inside his head continued to mock him, telling him that of course it mattered and if he did not submit fully to his lover, he would lose him forever.
Doctor Li’s voice interrupted his thoughts and his gaze fleetingly made eye contact before returning to the fascinating contours of the therapist’s ear. “Huh?”
The psychologist successfully controlled his frustration and repeated his question. “Why are you reluctant to let Dennis touch your buttocks?”
A hot flush reddened Tom’s cheeks and he shifted awkwardly in his chair. “I… um… it reminds me of when they… you know… when they raped me with the tire iron.”
“Did somebody grip your buttocks while you were being raped? Is that where the association lies?” Doctor Li asked impassively.
Tom furiously rubbed a hand over his upper lip. “Yeah… I mean… I was suspended from the ceiling by my hands and… um… my body kept swaying so one of the guys stood in front of me and held me by my… by my butt cheeks, you know, so I wouldn’t move.” He swallowed deeply before giving a wry smile. “I guess it made it easier for them to keep the tire iron inserted.”
Li had the grace to look uncomfortable before continuing his questioning. “So, when Dennis touches you there, you immediately have visual flashbacks of the rape?”
“Yeah, I s’pose you could say that.”
“Well, do you, or don’t you?”
“I dunno, it’s hard to explain ‘cause—”
“There’s nothing hard about it, Tom. Either you have flashbacks or you—”
“OKAY, I DON’T! I DON’T!” Tom yelled, his face twisting in pain. “THEY’RE NOT FLASHBACKS, THEY’RE FEELINGS! FEELINGS THAT MAKE ME PANIC ‘CAUSE I FEEL TRAPPED AND IT HURT SO FUCKING MUCH AND NO ONE CAME TO SAVE ME! I WAS THERE ALL ALONE AND NO ONE CAME TO SAVE ME! WHY DIDN’T HE COME TO SAVE ME? WHY DIDN’T HE LOVE ME ENOUGH TO SAVE ME? WHY DIDN'T…”
A loud, racking sob rolled through his body like a wave and drawing his legs up, he buried his head against his chest and curling into a protective ball, he started to cry. He was physically shaking from emotional exhaustion and he felt incapable of continuing with the cross-examination. So when a gentle hand rested on his shoulder, he instinctively recoiled from the touch. L-Leave me a-alone,” he hiccupped.
Ignoring Tom’s plea, Doctor Li pulled up a chair and sat down. He had just made a significant breakthrough and he was determined to keep pushing. “When you say he didn’t love you enough to save you, do you mean Mosco or Dennis?
Tom lifted his head and swiped at his streaming nose with the back of his hand. “What difference does it make?” he snapped. “No one came, so I suffered alone. Nothing can change that.”
“Yes, you did,” Li replied softly, “and I’m sorry you had to experience such a brutal assault. But it’s my job to help you come to terms with what happened so you can live a life free from fear. I’ve seen you and Dennis together and I know your love is the real deal. But if you want your relationship to move forward, you need to be honest with yourself. Do you blame Dennis for not rescuing you until after the rape?”
A single tear leaked from the corner of Tom’s eye. “Yes.”
Leaning forward in his chair, Li pressed forward. “So you blame him even though you weren’t in contact and he had no way of knowing you were at the warehouse until Mosco made the phone call?”
Sniffing loudly, Tom nodded his head. “Yes.”
Resting back in his chair, Li narrowed his eyes. “So it’s Dennis’ fault you were raped?”
The question took Tom by surprise and he stared at the therapist with wide eyes. “No! I mean… Jesus, I don’t know. Maybe if he hadn’t abandoned me in prison, things would have been different.”
Li hesitated for a moment before delivering his counterargument. “And maybe if you hadn’t succumbed to Mosco’s advances, you wouldn’t have been duped into meeting Ana.”
Tom’s body stiffened and he stared at the therapist with disbelieving eyes. “Are you saying it’s my fault I was raped?” he asked incredulously.
With a patient smile, Li shook his head. “Of course not. But it’s not Dennis’ fault either. You could proportion some of the blame to Mosco, but ultimately, the only people responsible are the ones who committed the act.”
When Tom remained silent, he continued with his analysis. “Rape isn't about sex, Tom, it's about power and punishment, and in your case, it was both. You can’t ignore the facts. Ana wanted to hurt you because you killed her husband, but she also wanted to prove her ranking as Jefa. Also, if Dennis had known what was going to happen to you, he would have done everything in his power to prevent it and deep down, you know that to be true. In my opinion, although you wish Dennis had saved you, the real reason behind your reluctance to have sex with him is you’re self-sabotaging your relationship because you don’t think you’re worthy of his love.”
It was a light bulb moment for Tom and his brow knitted into a deep frown as he processed the information. “Shit, do you really think so?” he muttered, not daring to believe. He stared at the floor for several moments before raising his head and asking the obvious question. “But how do I get past these feelings? I mean, I physically freeze if Dennis touches me on the ass. How do I stop that from happening?”
A slow smile played over Li’s lips and leaning forward, he rested a hand on Tom's knee and stared into his grief-stricken eyes. “You need to believe in his love.”
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Chasing a Butterfly