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Darkest Nights	By : Bucken-Berry Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 1449 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU or it's characters and I'm not making money from this.

Chapter List
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Rebecca brought Elliot out of his thoughts. "Let's talk about this another time. Please continue explaining what happened today," she said softly.
Elliot closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'd had a nightmare that I found George, but his attackers killed him before I could save him. And then we woke up and George cooked while I got ready. I walked up to him and I accidentally scared him when I hugged him- the exaggerated startle reflex and everything. Then he tried not to eat very much, and I made him take more food, because he's still really underweight. Less so than when he was found, of course, but he should be at least ten pounds heavier, and his BMI is still at fifteen. So then I realized that I didn't know how often he'd eaten when he was there- I knew it hadn't been enough, obviously, because he was pretty much skin and bone when we found him, but I didn't know the specifics."
"I didn't want to scare him, and I should have known better than to ask, but I couldn't resist. I asked how long his attackers went without giving him food. And he told me that the whole month he was there, they only let him eat six times. They waited until he was about to pass out, AND he had to say he didn't deserve food first, and then they attacked him after it for 'taking things he didn't deserve'. That's what really gets me…" Elliot said, tears forming in his eyes again.
"That had to have been hard to hear," Rebecca said sympathetically, looking slightly disturbed at what Elliot was saying. "Go on."
"George and I talked for a while, but I ended up having to head to work before we could really talk much. There was a man who had raped and murdered a young woman at Hudson University. We finally caught him today, and he confessed on the spot- waived Miranda. He said he was proud of what he'd done," Elliot said.
"I got angry, and I started arguing with him. Then he grinned at me, and he actually said-" Elliot clenched his fists- "He actually said, with this amused look on his face, 'at least I didn't do to her, what those guys on the news did. They killed six or so men.' Then he fucking laughed and added, 'the bitch should consider herself lucky that she isn't as weak as that guy who survived'. He was talking that way about George and he never even fucking met him!"
"He must have seen the news coverage of the case," Rebecca surmised.
"Yeah. It's a big case, of course; so many men tortured to death, and the only survivor being an FBI profiler. And so this freak saw it, and he was taunting us with it, because he knew that George worked with the NYPD as well as the feds, and it was like rubbing salt in our wounds," Elliot said.
"So you were angry, because George has been through so much and this man was mocking him, not seeing how strong George really is," Rebecca stated.
"Yeah. And not only that, I was instantly reminded of George's attackers, because Keyes taunted the NYPD too, just like this guy. And I just lost it… I slammed him into a wall and started screaming, 'You think it's funny, that they took the FBI's best profiler and tortured him? Do you really think torturing someone and nearly killing them is funny?' And I tried to choke the guy… I-I know this sounds nuts, but I saw the face of George's attacker, instead of that guy's, while I attacked him," Elliot admitted.
"Because you want revenge on George's attackers, and he was as close as you were going to get," Rebecca explained. "Your anger just overwhelmed everything else, and your mind supplied the picture it wanted to see while you were attacking him."
"I almost killed the guy," Elliot said ashamedly. "He's a bastard, and he'd deserve it, but I should know better. Cragen and Olivia rushed in and tried to pull me off him, but I kept pushing them away and going back… it took Cragen threatening my badge to get me to stop. And then I yelled at him."
"You were overwhelmed," Rebecca said simply.
Elliot nodded. "I was. I just… at this point, if someone so much as looks at George the wrong way, I'm automatically incensed. I-I love him, and I feel like I'm the only one who can protect him at all. And I'm going to do that, even if I take it too far sometimes. I failed him so badly before, and it's my fault he got hurt-" He tried not to say those words aloud, but he believed them too much not to, even if he was castigating himself- "But I'm going to make up for it now. I'm trying not to take it too far, but I don't mind if it's for him," he said softly.
Rebecca looked at the clock. "It's time for George's session. Next week, though, we're going to talk about this, and we're going to work on getting you to stop blaming yourself."
"Okay," Elliot said as he stood. He nodded at Rebecca before opening the door and entering the waiting room again.
George sighed as he walked into the reception area. He sat down, tapping his foot and rubbing his arms restlessly. He was embarrassed and concerned at his nervous behavior, but it released some of the tension, and it was better than anything else he could think of.
He had a strong suspicion as to what Elliot was talking about, and it caused him overwhelming guilt. He knew Elliot was selflessly giving everything he could to try and help him recover, and he wished more than anything that Elliot's efforts would pay off. Elliot was a one in a million person, one he was truly blessed- undeservedly- to have.
Elliot deserved so much better than him, George thought sadly. He never showed Elliot how much he appreciated his help, and Elliot was becoming so drained from helping him, but he never complained. If he had ever deserved Elliot, he was sure he didn't by now.
George reached into his pocket, grabbing the suicide note he was carrying. Maybe he should just walk back outside and throw himself in front of a bus.
Everyone would be better off if he did it. His attackers would be thrilled, though it would be marred by the knowledge that it was sooner and less painful than he deserved, and the fact that it hadn't been at their hands. His parents would be happy to be rid of the worst son they could possibly have had. His co-workers wouldn't have to deal with him acting like he was the best psychiatrist on the planet, when any trainee at Quantico would be better than he was, and his co-workers at the NYPD would be glad to replace the worst profiler they'd had the misfortune to know, and finally get a profiler who was competent and not arrogant.
Elliot and Nora wouldn't feel happy at first, but they'd realize how wrong they'd been for loving him; they'd realize that they were better off.
George wished he could push Elliot and Nora away first, and make them stop loving him, so his suicide wouldn't hit as hard. If only he could make it work that easily, George thought sadly. Elliot would never leave him, and Nora's sense of sisterly love went too far for her to cut him off, which would make it so much harder for them when he finally killed himself.
He stood up and started walking around the room restlessly. He glanced out the window, wanting nothing more than to leave the office and get hit by a car. There'd be a few seconds of panic, then a split second of agony, then nothingness- immediate unconsciousness and death, if he got hit by the right size of car at the right angle and speed. He didn't really like the idea of committing suicide directly after leaving a psychiatrist's office, though.
George decided to just stick to his original plan. Get Elliot to leave the house for a while- maybe say he needed some ibuprofen or something to get Elliot to go to the grocery store- and then he'd shoot himself in the heart. He didn't want to eat his gun; he didn't want the sight to be too horrific, for Elliot's sake. Chest wounds still looked terrible, but they weren't as bad as head wounds. He'd still be able to have an open-casket funeral this way- not that it would matter to anyone but his lover and his sister.
Eventually, after what felt like years, it was his time for his session. Elliot walked out, bringing George out of his dark thoughts, and he immediately noticed that Elliot's eyes were red and puffy from tears. Elliot had been crying over him-
He snarled at himself silently. He was still being so arrogant. Like he was the only thing in Elliot's life that could make him cry. Like anyone would cry over him to begin with. Keyes and the other had been so right about him.
George walked over to Elliot and embraced him tightly, feeling so guilty at his selfishness that it twisted his stomach. He was causing Elliot so much grief, and doing nothing to make it up to him.
"Are you okay, El?" George whispered.
"Yeah," Elliot murmured, resting his chin on George's forehead. George could tell, just from his voice, that Elliot's throat was sore. "It was an emotional session, that's all." He gave a weak smile. "That means it's helping though, huh? That's what you always told me, when you tried to get me to open up."
George nodded slowly, thinking about Elliot's words. It felt like decades, rather than months ago, that he and Elliot hadn't gotten along, and his biggest worries had been profiling accurately, helping to win court cases, and trying to get his patients- including the detectives- to open up. The shouting match he and Elliot had had over Kevin Walker's coerced confession felt like something that had happened centuries ago.
"George?" Elliot asked.
George blinked, startled out of his thoughts. "Yeah?"
"You okay?" Elliot asked worriedly.
George sighed heavily, shaking his head and muttering, "I haven't been okay for a long time."
Elliot took in a slow, deep breath, and whispered into George's ear, "You will be soon. I promise. I won't let you stay like this forever."
George gave a slight nod and, after a moment, forced himself to pull away. Elliot did more to help than anyone or anything else- talking to Rebecca was useless, compared with how he felt when he talked to Elliot.
Elliot seemed to sense his thoughts. "I don't like this much, either," he murmured. "But we both need to do it. You're a shrink; you know we have to, even if we don't want to."
"I know." George said. "I just… I…"
Looking into Elliot's eyes, he wanted nothing more than to tell him everything, but he just couldn't. Telling Elliot would mean being talked out of his plan, probably at the cost of being committed to Bellevue's psych ward. He just couldn't do it.
Finally, he simply said, "It hurts."
"I know it does," Elliot said gently. "It hurts when I talk about it, too. But, I'll be here when you're done, and then we can regroup, okay?" he asked.
"Okay," George agreed, nodding. He stood on his toes and gently kissed Elliot's lips, then his forehead, before dislodging and reluctantly walking to Rebecca's office.
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Darkest Nights