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Cupid's Little Helper	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 3620 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Cupid's Little Helper, Chapter Five
Cupid's Little Helper
Chapter Five
Practicin Matchmakin
So we got up an'
had breakfast, at tha table this time, so I actually got ta eat. It wasn't all
that easy, though. He kept lookin at me. I know from lookin, 'kay? Hey, I'm tha
one that invented "M-o-m! He's lookinat me!" One of my bettah
ones. This was different, though.
I mean, I was
usedta bein looked at with scorn, apprehension, fear, doubt, dismay, angah,
amusement (tha nasty sort)--any of tha' negative emotions ya can name. An'
yeah, some lust. Cupid was lookin at me all thoughtful. It was like he was
tryin ta figure me out, but not because he thought he'd bettah, if he didn't
wanna end up with burrs in his pants or sand in his sheets. It was like I was
interestin. An' when I looked back at him his eyes would get kinda soft. It
made me nervous. Tha only time Ma gets that look on her face is when she's
about ta torture somebody.
When we were
finished tha table cleaned itself up, an' I stretched. "Okay, so do I kick
Anieli's butt back ta Damara, or drag her back ta him by her hair?"
Cupe shook his
head, his voice dry. "That sort of direct approach never works except in
bad plays."
"I could
just explain ta each of 'em what I did. They'll have somethin in common then.
Mutual hatred of me could bring 'em closer tagethah."
"You don't
want them hating you."
"Cupid,
c'mon! Get real, huh? Aside from a small selection of worshipahs who ain't too
tightly wrapped, most people at least dislike me. I'm used ta it."
"You
shouldn't be."
I scowled.
"Well, life would be pretty shitty if I wasn't, wouldn't it?"
"No, I mean
you shouldn't have to be used to it."
I felt a faint,
hysterical giggle startin. "What, ya mean I should be... I dunno...
respected?" He nodded. The giggle got out of control. I almost fell off
tha chair. "Hoo, there's an image for ya! Strife, bein appreciated! Oh,
man, my ribs haven't hurt this bad since tha last time I screwed up on wunna
Unc's errands!"
He didn't say
anythin else while I calmed down again. Well, as much as I can calm
down. Finally he said, "You really believe that, don't you?"
I snorted, wipin
my eyes. "Well, yeah. Sure. Ain't seen any evidence ta make me think
othahwise, have I? Okay, now that we got tha mornin comedy outta tha way, if I
can't drag 'em back tagethah what are we gonna do?"
"You need a
little experience in what it's like to bring people together."
"Oo, yah
mean I get ta use tha bow an' arrows?" Tha thought of what I could do with
those was enough ta gladden a God of Mischief's heart.
Cupe fought down
a look of alarm. He knew what I could do with 'em, too. "No, I told you,
those aren't to be thrown around lightly. We'll work on more subtle
intervention."
"Whatevah."
Mm, judgin from tha look on his face, that one word was gonna cause a lot of
aggravation farthlonglong tha line. I had a feelin it was gonna be pissin
people off for a coupla thousand years.
We materialized
in a marketplace, kinda medium sized. I looked around. Lotsa good opportunities
for mischief inna place like that. Everyone kept walkin past us, a few of 'em
takin side trips they hadn't planned on ta avoid runnin inta us.
He led me ovah ta
a fruit stand that was bein presided ovah by a kinda plain lookin mortal woman.
"Okay, In a minute the man I've chosen for her is going to arrive. He's
been passing by this stand every day for two weeks, trying to work up enough
nerve to talk to her. I want you to get them to interact."
"How?"
"That's up
to you. Just get them off to an amicable start and the romance will blossom
from there. They're meant for each other."
We waited. I
noticed that a kinda handsome guy had walked past tha stall three times, an' he
was givin the proprietress sheep's eyes. I pointed ta him. "That tha
one?"
"Yes. He's
even more nervous than I thought. If he doesn't come up here on his next pass,
I may have to do something."
But tha guy
stopped on his next pass an' slowly walked up ta tha stall. Tha woman gave him
a little smile, maybe a tiny bit warmer than what she did for tha othah
customahs. An' tha guy just stood there, starin at her. I rolled my eyes. Wunna
her friends called out ta her ta ask her about somethin. When she looked away,
I reached out an' took hold of tha bottom apple onna large, slightly wobbly
pile an' began ta work it free.
"Strife,
what are you...?"
Guy noticed tha
apple, thought it was about ta fall, an' reached for it. I gave it a good yank
just as that girl looked around. What she saw was Guy pullin his hand back as
tha whole pile of apples cascaded ta tha street. "Oh! It took me an hour
to set up that display! Why couldn't you take one off the top, like an
intelligent monkey?"
Guy started ta
splutter, an' Cupid rounded on me. "What was that all about? I wanted you
to bring them together." I shrugged. "How did you think that
making him look like a clumsy, bumbling oaf would endear him to her?"
"Hey, it
works for Joxer an' Unc."
He closed his
mouth, then said, "Yes, well, they're a special case." He sighed,
watching as the woman pushed tha blushin' man out of her way and began gatherin
up tha apples. "Okay, the connection is still there, and still strong. I
think just a little push should do it. First, an admission." He whispered
in Guy's ear. Guy stuttered, "Gosh, I'm sorry! I'm a clumsy idiot."
Ho, that was interestin. He'd nevah touched tha things, but he was willin ta
take blame ta sooth tha woman's feelings.
She looked a
little less pissed an' said, "Oh, I suppose these things happen. But why
on earth did you try to take one from the bottom of the pile? Weren't the ones
on top just as good?"
Cupe whispered to
Guy again. "No, the others wouldn't do. Don't you know what it's like to
have your heart set one, special thing? Nothing else is good enough, once
you've found your heart's desire."
An' he wasn't
talkin about apples. We all knew that. Tha woman blushed an' started
droppin apples herself. He squatted down next ta her an' started ta help gather
them into a pile. Cupid nodded. "All right. Admission of guilt, flattery
and veiled declaration, helpfulness. I think a little demonstration of
thoughtfulness and his practical skills might cinch it."
He whispered
again. Guy said, "You know, this wouldn't have happened if you'd had a
nice little rim around the counter. It would keep things from spilling, and you
could pile your displays higher and sturdier."
She looked at him
shyly. "That sounds like a good idea, but I don't have enough money for
another stall."
"I could fix
it for you. I'm good with my hands."
By now they were
starin inta each othah's eyes, an' her voice was kinda breathy when she said,
"Are you?"
In anothah minute
he had asked her to suppah an' she had suggested that he come ovah an' let her
cook for him. I shook my head as we walked away. "An' people call ma
manipulative."
"I look at
it this way, Strife: you serve War, I am Love. All's fair in Love and War. Ask
anyone."
Tha next place
was out in tha country somewhere, onna small farm. "Okay, Strife,
different situation. The last two were a first contact, these two have known
each other most of their lives. That's the problem. They already love each
other, but neither one is ready to admit that it's 'that way'. They feel it
would be almost incestuous."
I blinked.
"An' tha problem is?"
"Well, they
don't look at those things like we do. Brother and sister, or even more distant
relatives getting together are a big deal with the mortals. Remember
Oedipus?"
I winced.
"Oo, ick. Tha eye thing was gross. Yeah, they take it way too serious. So,
what do I do?"
"That's up
to you."
I thought about
it. "No interferin?"
He looked kinda
dubious, but he said, "No. No interference."
"All right.
First thing I gotta get acquainted with tha situation." So I spent a
coupla hours checkin things out. Tha three people on tha farm were tha couple,
Linea an' David, an' Linea's fathah, Bielliella. Tha old guy's wife had passed
onta Hades five or six years ago.
David had grown
up on tha farm next door, an' come ta work here when he was just a striplin. He
had a room out ovah tha stables. Tha old jerk had enough room in tha house ta
put 'im up, but he wasn't gonna do it. David was 'hired help'.
Like most farm
kid's Linea had been helpin around tha house since she was old enough ta walk
by herself, but lately she was operatin as her dad's housekeeper. Daddy
Bairdiella wasn't too hot ta let her get married off, an' he discouraged tha
local young men from hangin around. It nevah occurred ta tha dumbass that Linea
could fall in love with tha hired man.
It was almost
painful watchin them. I mean, they were so obviously in love with each othah,
but neithah wunna them were gonna admit it. I thought about it, an suggested ta
tha botha them that it would be real pleasant ta have a sit on tha bench on tha
side of tha house.
They sat there,
side by side, not touchin, hardly able ta say a word ta each othah, but that
was good. Fit right in with what I planned. Then I nudged tha old guy inta tha
room that was just on tha othah side of tha wall. There weren't any windahs,
just a kinda ventilation slit near tha roof.
I stood on tha
bench between tha two lovebirds as Cupid watched. I cleared my throat an' did
an imitation of David's voice. Wasn't easy, doin his silly accent. "Oh,
Linea, my darling. I can't stand it any more. It's too hard, being so close to
you and unable to touch you."
Linea goggled at
David, who as ya can imagine was pretty damn surprised himself. Then I said, in
Linea's voice, "Sweet David, I know, oh, I know. I can't hold back,
either. Kiss me."
Linea was even
more surprised than David, but she didn't have too much time ta think about it,
cause David was hearin what he wanted ta hear, an' wasn't gonna worry about a
little thing like Linea's lips not movin. He laid a beauty of a lip lock on
her. I had ta jump like a jackrabbit ta keep from gettin caught between 'em.
Lemme tell ya, I woulda gotten kissed in some very interestin places.
I figured Daddy
wouldn't need too much more, so I used Linea's voice again and moaned.
"Oooooo, Da-vid! Ooooh."
That did it.
Bairdiella came poundin around tha cornah with blood in his eye. "Get your
hands off my daughter!"
I'll give tha
kids points, they had guts. They didn't just jump apart. They kept their arms
around each othah an' looked at Bairdiella. I think I was seein David grow a
spine. "I love her, and she loves me."
"What? Don't
be ridiculous. She can't love you-- you're hired help."
Linea said,
"Daddy, don't talk like that. He's a strong, hard worker. You know
that."
"And why
shouldn't he be? He's paid. Paid to work, not to slobber on my daughter! Get
off my land, and don't come back."
Ya know, I nevah
would've thought Cupid could turn pale with that nice tan he has.
"Daddy, no!
I told you, I love him!"
"No, you
don't." Complete dismissal. I can relate ta that, sister.
Dad had a pretty
tight hold on her, so I thought maybe she needed anothah goad, so I suggested
ta Bairdiella. "Yer hungry, ain'tcha? Get her distracted. She's dumb,
she'll forget all about him if ya keep her busy."
"You'll
forget him in no time, Linea. Now, go make my supper."
David flushed.
"Stop ordering her around."
"Daddy, I
can't believe you think I'd just forget..."
"David, get
off my land. Linea, get in the kitchen."
"I'm
leaving, all right!" David looked at Linea. "Come with me."
"What?"
I'm not sure what tha proper name is for tha color his face turned. Puce?
Eggplant? Aphrodite's tha one who knows all tha proper terms for decoratin. It
was purple, anyway. "You can't do that!"
Turns out that
Linea is not tha kind ya should tell she can't do somethin. Makes her more
determined. "You can't tell me what to do. I'm a grown woman."
"Then show
some sense! He can't take care of you. You'll starve in the streets, since he doesn't
have a job anymorre!"
David looked at
Linea. "My uncle has been asking me to come to Thrace and work in his wine
business. There won't be much money to start, but there's room for advancement.
What do you say?"
"Let me
pack."
I whispered in
David's ear. "Good. We'll stop at Hera's temple on the way out and be
married."
I walked ovah ta
where Cupid was standin, lookin stunned. "Mission accomplished. What
next?"
"Gods,
Strife, I only wanted you to get them to admit they were in love with each
other. I didn't say anything about having them give her father conniptions and
then elope to Thrace."
"So consider
it a bonus."
"But...
but... They're so young. And Thrace is a long way off, and the boy won't be
making much at that job with his uncle. Things are going to be very hard for
them."
I cocked my head.
"Cuz, haven't I heard somewhere that tha course of true love is nevah
smooth? What's tha beef? They realized how they felt for each othah, they're
tagethah, an' they're out from undah that wart hog's control."
He sighed.
"But it could have gone so wrong, Strife. What if she hadn't had the
gumption to go with him? What if he'd slunk off with his tail between his legs?
It was so risky." I shrugged. He sighed. "But it worked. I have to
give you credit for that. Why the marriage? They could've just run away
together."
"Well, she
struck me as sort of a non-sluttish type, maybe even a virgin. Ya think I want
Artemis, Demeter, an' Hera down on me for lettin her get de-virginized outta
wedlock?"
He just shook his
head, but he was smilin. "I think this is all I can handle for today.
We'll do a little more tomorrow, then I think you'll be ready to tackle the
main event. Come here."pan>
He held out his
hand. I hesitated, about ta tell him that he didn't hafta go draggin me back ta
his place on Olympus, that I could make it there myself. But his eyes were
kinda shimmerin, an' his wings were rustlin, an' tha sunlight managed ta hit
his hair just right, so that it almost threw off sparks, an' I found myself
walkin ovah to him an' leanin against him when he put his arms around me an
transported us back ta Olympus.
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Cupid's Little Helper