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Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2608 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Notes: I bet y'all know this anyway, but an oxymoron is when you put together two terms that should be mutually exclusive. George Carlin uses 'military intelligence' as an example. Onomatopoeia is a word that is also a sound, like 'ping' or 'moan'.

Tha Birds, an' Tha Bees, an' All That Othah Good Shit

Month Five: What Tha Fuck Was That?

"Anything?"

I looked up at Cupe. He was layin beside me, leanin on his elbow, watchin me. I studied my tummy. It was now most definitely curved out. I was still workin on seein it as baby insteada fat. I carefully palpitated around tha edges, then pressed my palm flat an' held it there. I waited. He waited. "Nothin." I blew out a big breath, makin tha rudest buzzin sound I could. "C'mon, kid! Yer ruinin my figure, tha least ya could do is gimme a little indication that yer there besides makin me pee every five minutes."

Cupid smiled, but he hugged me. "Don't stress, babe. It's..."

"I know, I know. It's bad for tha baby. Shit, Cupe, it's five months now. I'm more'n halfway through this, an'..." I stroked my belly again. "nothin. Joxer let me feel his tummy when he was four months gone, an' I felt Acc

ord kickin."

"Each pregnancy is different."

"Yah, but... but I'm kinda startin ta get worried." I bit my lip an' burrowed against him. "Ya don't think there's anythin wrong with Lump, do ya?"

"No!" His voice was firm. "Get that out of your head, Strife. You're doing everything right... Well, aside from that box of pastries you talked Hermes into sneaking into the future to get you. What were those called?"

"Twinkies, an' I only ate two a day. Almost killed me, havin half a box sittin there. Somethin that good tastin an' bad for you is definitely in my line."

"Anyway, you've been doing all the right things: eating well, exercising, drinking lots of milk, taking it easy... We're checking in with Asclepius on a regular basis. Everything is fine." He bent down an' kissed me right above tha belly-button. "Lump is just lazy."

"Huh. Well, I guess I oughta enjoy it while I can. Remembah how you an' me was when we were kids? Crossin us, I don't think we're gonna have a lot of rest aftah Lump is born."

So I rolled outta bed an' got dressed, an'... Huh? Oh, ya noticed that a lot of these *ahem* reports start in bed, huh? Yeah, come ta think of it, they do. *stare* Ya gotta problem with that? *stare* I didn't think so. I got dressed (loose pants an' shirt). When I zapped on tha boots I zapped 'em right back off again an' sat down, rubbin my feet. "Cupe, isn't there some sorta sayin about barefoot an' pregnant?"

"I think so. It's a surefire way to get a woman pissed off."

"Why? When you're pregnant, I think barefoot is a damn good idea."

"Feet swelling again?"

"Yah."

Cupid whipped up a pair of slippahs an' knelt in front of me, easin them on my feet. "There. Better?"

I wiggled my feet, examinin them. "Yah. Cupe?"

"Hm?" He was massagin my calf.

"Any particular reason why they look like fuzzy pink bunnies?"

"I thought you'd like a laugh."

"Worked," I giggled. His hands slid up my thighs. I giggled again as his fingahs started workin at my laces. "Cuuupe. I just got dressed."

"Striiiife," he matched my sing-song. "it won't be too many weeks before I start having trouble getting my head in your lap."

"I wasn't arguin, Cupe, I was just makin a comment."

"Well, how about limiting your comments to such things as 'faster', 'harder', and 'oh, Zeus!'."

"That's all I'm allowed?"

"No, you can have as many grunts, groans, moans, whines, whimpers, gasps, and screams as you want."

"Yer so generous."

He had my cock out, an' he gave it a BIG lick. "Aren't I?"

"Ooo, you..." He gave me a squeeze, flashin his eyes up at me with amused warnin. "Grunt."

"That's a good little God of Mischief."

I didn't want him ta stop, but Tartarus, I couldn't pass that up. "Good God of Mischief? Oxymoron, Cupe. Kinda like... um... debauched virgin."

He smiled. "Humble Sun God?"

I nodded. "Chaste Love God."

"You got that right." He plunged down, takin my cock down his throat in one swoop.

For a few minutes I did limit myself ta nothin but onomatopoeia. (There, don't evah let anyone tell ya that fan fiction is intellectually arid: two high falutin linguistic terms). It felt gooood. At that time Cupe had no problem reachin tha base of my cock. *big cheesy grin.* I just kinda basked in tha hot wetness, feelin incredibly loved.

There was a knock on tha door. I heard Bliss call, "Daddies? I come in now?"

Yah, that's right: We taught tha kid ta kniock! Ya can't see me, but I'm doin a dance of smug triumph just thinkin about it. I called, "Not just yet, kiddo. Wait just a coupla minutes. Cupe..."

"Murph," he agreed, an' sped up.

*Yow!*

Mind blowin (an' othah, more interestin things blowin *snicker*) time! Three slurps, a squeeze, an' a nibble, and it was a good thing that babies didn't grow in yer stomach, like Bliss thought, or he coulda had two daddies preggers at tha same time, an' that woulda been a bitch. Cupe gave me a quick tongue wash an' packed me away again, then sat next ta me an' called, "Okay, Bliss."

Tha door opened an' Bliss pelted in (do kids that age evah move at less than a run unless ya want 'em ta hurry up?). He climbed up between Cupid an' me, managed ta wiggle an arm half-way around each of us, an' hugged. I can only hope that tha kid learns ta temper his enthusiasm before he grows muscles like his dad, or my spleen is gonna end up on tha floor wunna these days. "Oof! What was that for, brat?"

"I'se just happy you an' Daddy loves each other so much."

Cupid an' I exchanged looks. Tagethah we said, "Soundproofing."

I rubbed Bliss's curls. "Check Lump, Bliss."

"Kay." Bliss settled his cheek on my belly. He listened.

"Any activity?"

"Uh-uh. I think he's sleepin."

"Snores?"

Bliss giggled. "Lump can't snore, Stwife! He's in water in you tummy." Bliss's forehead crinkled. "He can bubble."

"How could ya tell if it was him snorin? There's othah things that can cause bubbles in watah, ya know. When I eat beans an' take a bath..."

"Strife."

"What? Sheesh, Cupe, that's wunna tha perks of havin an all male household. Fart jokes are allowed, if not encouraged. Bliss, tell me, do ya actually talk ta Lump?"

Bliss shook his head. "Lump can't talk, either. I just kinda know what he's feeling. He want's some juice."

"Yah? What kind?"

He laid his head on my belly. "Apple."

Cupid materialized a glass of clear, golden liquid an' handed it ta me. "You know, Strife, if Lump is a girl, Bliss is pretty much the only male in existence who knows what a woman wants."

Bliss looked up at me. "Can I put your lotion on?"

"Sure." I laid down an' lifted my shirt, pushin my pants down a little ta expose my belly. Bliss scrambled ovah ta tha bedside table an' came back with the jar of ointment Aphrodite had given us. He scooped up some of tha creamy ointment an' started rubbin it inta my tummy.

I sniffed. "Mm. It smells like roses this time." Tha ointment changed scents each time it was used--a little perk Dite had thrown in.

Bliss was usin both hands, strokin carefully. "Last time it was cimmamum."

"Nah, baby, that was time 'fore last. Yer Daddy did it last night, an' it smelled like honeysuckle." Cupe an' me exchanged grins ovah Bliss's head. That little massage had led ta interestin things. "I dunno how much good this stuff is doin, but it sure does feel nice."

Cupid ran a finger around tha area his son was massagin. "Joxer swears by it. He says that he didn't get a single stretch mark."

"Geez, I hope he's right. I don't wanna end up zebrafied." Bliss finished his chore an' put tha jar away. "Thanks, kiddo. Ya do good work. If yer really, really good, I may let ya help me change Lump's diapahs when she comes." Kids. He actually got excited about tha idea of changin poopy diapahs.

I got up an' started pacin, bouncin on my heels. "Strife," Cupid said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm tryin ta wake Lump up. I'm five months preggers, an' I wanna feel my kid move, dammit."

Cupid sighed. "Don't overdo it. I'm going to visit Hephastus for a couple of minutes." He kissed me (I stood still for it--I'll stand still for Cupe ta kiss me anytime, though it's more fun when I wiggle), an' Bliss, then flashed off.

I kept tryin ta get Lump ta move. Tha bouncin didn't work. I got Bliss ta talk ta him, an' Bliss rattled on about everythin from Pegasus ta how he wished Cerebus could have puppies. I thought 'bout explainin ta him that this was impossible, since tha dog was male, then I considered my present condition an' decided that argument wouldn't carry much weight. For lunch I snuck a coupla hot peppesr, hopin that Lump would thump me a few times in retaliation. Nuthin but a few gas bubbles rollin around in my gut. I guess tha kid is gonna have an iron stomach, like me.

I even got summa Cupid's temple muscicians ta play some music, ta see if maybe I could get Lump ta dance. No such luck. No beat, an' ya couldn't dance ta it. I gave it a 25. Maybe if they woulda had a heavier base line...

I got that gas tickle again. Crap, I was gonna hafta lay off all tha peppers now, if they were gonna affect me like that.

I tried hydro-therapy. I put a nice little hot spring pool in tha garden, an' me an' Bliss did some serious water fightin. I stayed sat down, cause I wasn't gonna risk slippin. Bliss had a good time, though. Ya evah seen a parakeet in a dish of watah? *giggle* Didn't work like I hoped, though.

I gave up. I was startin ta think I wouldn't feel tha kid move till it was time ta squirt 'im out.

Cupid came in just as we were gettin out of tha spring, an' we both dried Bliss off. "Did you two have fun?"

"Yep," Bliss chirped. "Daddy Stwife tryin to get Lump to move around, but ol' Lump just lays there."

"He is, huh? Well, I think Daddy Strife ought to be grateful, because I don't think having something inside you moving around would be a very restful thing."

"Ya know, this talkin ta someone by pretendin yer talkin ta someone else is wunna MY methods of operation, Cupe. An' I'm not bein unreasonable. Ya know darn good an' well that when Bliss gets too still for too long, an' he ain't sleepin, ya start feelin his forehead an' lookin down his throat."

Cupid pulled Bliss close an' whispered in his ear for a minute. Bliss started gigglin, lookin at me. Cupe swatted him on tha bottom. "Go on." Bliss trotted out, still gigglin an' tossin looks at me.

I was suspicious. "Okay, what are ya up to?"

"Who, me?"

"Cupe, this is Strife, okay? I know from fake innocense."

"Just wanted Bliss out of the way for a minute so we could have a talk. Come sit over here." He pulled up a chair, facin out inta tha gardens, an patted it's seat.

"You sit there."

"I got the chair for..." He smiled. "Oh."

Cupe sat down, an' I sat on his lap. "Gotta get all this sorta cuddlin I can before I start ta squash ya."

He put his arms around my waist. "Babe, you have to stop obsessing about this."

"I can't help it."

"I know. Look, if Lump doesn't move in the next day or two we'll talk to Asclepius."

"Kay. So, didya have a good visit?"

"Mhm."

"Didya go for more arrows?"

"Nope. I have plenty in reserve."

"Hm, I thought Heph didn't go for too much socializin around his forge."

"It wasn't strictly social."

"Oh. Present for Bliss?"

"No. Zeus, if he gets much more, we'll have to shovel paths in his room."

"A-ha! Whadya get me?"

"What makes you think...?"

"Gimme."

"What makes you think I have to bring you something every time I leave?"

"I'm tha Patron of Spoiled Brats. Whadya get me?"

"I have a good mind to not give it to you." I pinched him. "Ow!"

"Ya love it, an' ya know it! Whadya get me?"

CLANG!

I s'pose it wasn't quite as loud as tha sound tha Colossus of Rhodes made when it hit tha ground, but it came damn close. My heart made a break for it up my throat, but I swallowed it back down, an' it settled for runnin around in my chest. I went straight up. Yah, I know Cupe had his arm around my waist, but I took him with me. "Earthquake!"

"Blissquake! Calm down, baby."

I was pantin. "Calm down? My tummy nearly came out my belly-button. What tha Tartarus was that?"

I looked around. Bliss was standin just inside tha door, lookin embarrassed. "Sowwy." There was a big copper basin layin on tha floor at his feet. Tha noise had been it hittin tha marble.

"S'okay, kiddo. What's that?"

Bliss picked it up again an' lugged it ovah. "It's for your footsies."

I examined it. It was nice an deep, brightly polished copper, an' there were pretty geometric designs etched on tha sides. Cupid explained, "It's for soaking your feet. Hephastus worked an anti-swelling, soothing spell into it. The water you put in it will never cool off, and it will feel like you're getting a foot massage."

"Cupe, you sweetie!" I gave 'im a kiss. "This will be good ta have even aftah I've had Lump, for both of us. We both have jobs that keep us on our feet a lot." I rubbed Bliss's head. "This is from you, too, huh?" He nodded. I hugged him. "Yer a good kid, kid. Now, how about puttin that ovah there outta tha way so I don't trip on it?" Bliss picked up tha basin an' started ta toddle away with it.

I turned back ta Cupid. "That's thoughtful, Cupe, an' I'm sure it'll help me relax, but I was thinkin that maybe we could go ovah ta Asclepius's place t'night an'..."

CLANG! (That's right--twice as loud.)

This time I did come up off Cupe's lap, an' I grabbed at myself, cause it felt like Lump had tried ta dive straight out. What tha fuck was that?

"Strife, calm down! Bliss just dropped the basin again."

"Not that!" I stared down at my abdomen. "Cupe! C'mere. C'mere right now!" I grabbed his hand an' pushed it against my stomach, pressin it down tight.

Tha gas bubble came again, an' this time I knew it wasn't gas. I watched Cupid. He frowned, then his face went slack, his eyes gettin big. He looked at me, an' I nodded. A smile broke ovah his face that nearly blinded me. "Bliss!" I yelled.

He sounded near tears. "I sowwy! It just slipped."

I laughed. "Heck, throw it again if ya wanna! Ya finally woke Lump up."

Bliss squealed happily. "Really?"

"Yah. Get ovah here an' pet yer little brothah or sistah."
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Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit