You Knew What You Were Getting Into

Notes: Research on the net says that Deimos meant panic, and Phobos means fear. I believe Deimos is usually the God of Pain in fanon, but I'm going with panic here. Exploding powder from Chin--gunpowder was invented in China. I've gone ahead and given Gabrielle immortality. After all, it's been at least seventeen or so years since the start of the series, and it wouldn't be fun to write her as an old hag--then I'd feel mean when I bashed her. Now, as a YOUNG hag, she's fair game. :)

Chapter Five

After Accord left Ares said, "Okay, which one of us invites Zeus and Hera? Which one will Zeus be most likely to refuse, and Hera most likely to accept?"

"Me," said Joxer promptly. "Zeus isn't exactly hostile toward me, but he's still a little embarrassed that his son married a former mortal. He put up with it with Cupid and Psyche, but you're the heir to the throne..." Ares snorted, "from which it would take some of that Chin exploding powder to remove him--I know. And if he doesn't want to go, Hera WILL, even if it's for no other reason than to spite him and show she's a better mother than he is a father."

"That's taken care of, then. I don't have anything urgent today. I guess I'll go see Dionysius about getting a keg of his best."

Joxer folded his arms. "And WHAT do you intend to do with it?"

Ares gave him an amused look. "Water the one glass I'm going to allow myself when we tell everyone."

Joxer hugged him. "One or two, DILUTED, is fine, but beer or ale is better, and milk or juice is better still."

"I never thought I'd hear beer or ale recommended as a healthy diet."

"Hey, you know how much Xena can put away, and look at how fit she is. I need to go make personal appearances at a couple of my temples, so I'll make the invitation before I go down." He patted Ares on the shoulder. "I want you to consider getting into the habit of taking a nap in the afternoon." Ares scowled. "It'll make it easier when I start to INSIST that you do it. Bye." He disappeared.

"When he was a mortal I'd never have suspected how bossy he could be," Ares grumbled. Then he smiled and left to walk over to Dionysius' temple. He could have just flashed over, but he supposed he ought to start getting daily exercise now.

~*~

It wasn't always an easy thing to find Zeus and Hera together, except during state occasions. They pretty much lived separate lives, except where it came to their children, or feuding. Hera was the more regular in her habits, so Joxer sought her out first. She was in her garden, as he'd expected. Hera had grown very fond of her son-in-law. They both loved children and gardening, and they'd spent a lot of time together, talking about both. Hera enjoyed telling Joxer stories about Ares as a baby and little boy. She knew that Joxer often used the information as teasing ammunition, and she liked that idea. She'd been of the opinion that her eldest boy was seriously in need of lightening up, and when Joxer came into his life he became much more stable, and even-temptered.

Hera was on her knees weeding a bed of bright flowers. Her gardening method was a little different from Joxer's and Gaia's--to protect her dress she knelt on a small, richly woven rug. She looked up as Joxer approached, and smiled at him. "Greetings, Eirni." Zeus and Here were the only Olympians who regularly used his official divinity name.

"Greetings, Lady Hera." Formalities done, he knelt beside her, pointing. "There's a weed masquerading as a flower shoot."

"Where?"

"It's in that shadow, there."

Hera plucked it. "Thank you, dear. They DO florish if they aren't pulled while young." She sat back on her heels, wiping her hand on a cloth. "Would you care for anything? Juice? Fruit?"

"No, thank you. I just finished a good breakfast. But since you mentioned food, I'm here to invite you to dinner tonight."

Hera frowned slightly. "Tonight? Let me think. I rather half-promised to drop by and see Demeter this evening." She sighed. "I know what she wants."

"Campaigning to have Hades' visitation rights ammended--like to NONE?"

"It's one of the semi-annual talks. Either Zeus or myself have to deal with Demeter's whining about once a quarter--when Persephone leaves, when she arrives, and half-way through each sojourn--because Demeter can't stand to leave it alone any longer. I'm really not looking forward to it, but..."

*Time to strategize.* "That's okay. We just wanted to do a little family catching up. If you can't make it, I'm sure Zeus will." *I hope that tone said 'and doesn't that make him a great Dad?' And I hope I kept a straight face while I said it.*

He must have, because Hera frowned, lips pinching down. "I can see Demeter some other time. Will that handsome son of yours be there?"

"Oh, I don't think Accord would want to miss this. Now I need to go invite Zeus."

Hera eyed him shrewdly. "Dear, do you WANT Zeus to attend, or do you just think you should ask him."

"Well..."

"I'll convey the invitation." She paused, then said dryly, "Though I have a feeling that he may have some unexpected, urgent business this evening."

"We'll be desolate."

"I'm sure you will. Now, unless you want to help me with the mulching..."

As he left, Joxer reflected that it would probably be hard to convince a lot of people of how cordial his relationship was with the Queen of the Gods. Hera was not noted for her patience and gentle temperment, and not all her sons and daughters-in-law as friendly a relationship with her as Joxer did. Take Psyche. The former Goddess of the Mind had narrowly escaped simply being tossed off the side of Olympus. *But then again, I'd never be stupid or slutty enough to cheat on Ares,* Joxer thought. *That's taken care of.* He stopped. *Oo. We didn't tell Accord that he should subtly discourage Gabrielle from coming.* He shrugged mentally. *Well, he knows how most everyone up here feels about her. Apollo's her god, and she's blonde and cute, and she even gets on HIS nerves. Accord ought to be able to figure it out.*

~*~

Xena and Gabrielle had just broken camp. Xena had slung her bedroll and pack on Argo, and was preparing to mount when... *FLASH*

Xena grabbed her sword and Gabrielle pulled her staff up into the ready position, held across her chest. Such a flash (well, unless there was a thunder storm) meant only one thing. The tall, dark haired young man who appeared before them, arms folded, didn't look threatened by their aggressive stances, though. In fact, he was grinning. "It's not nice to split the skull of someone who's bearing good news."

The two women relaxed immediately, their faces breaking into smile. Accord was 'one of the good ones', but then the fact that he was Joxer's child had given him an automatic advantage in their opinions. Joxer had annoyed them mightily while he traveled with him, and they'd be tongue tied to praise him, but both mentally acknowledged that he was a decent man, and a very good friend.

"How goes it, little old ladies?"

Gabrielle bent and quickly picked up one of the acorns that had made sleeping so uncomfortable last night, and pegged it at him. He dodged neatly, never bothering to unfold his arms, or stop grinning. "It's funny, I don't recall you being this much of a brat when you were little. I blame Strife."

"Why should this time be any different?" said Accord cheerfully.

"Not that we're not happy to see you," said Xena, "but what brings you down to Earth?"
He trotted over, and when he moved it was apparent how close he still was to childhood. He almost bounced. *But that could just be excitement,* thought Xena. *He's wound up about something. I hope it's something good. Olympus' version of 'good news' can differe greatly from my own.*

He bowed. "You are hereby invited to dinner in the House of War. Tomorrow night--informal. You don't have any pressing appointments, do you?"

Xena gave Gabrielle a wry look. "Pre-emptive strike--he's learning from Ares. No, Cord--nothing planned. I'll be happy to come." She hesitated, then looked at Gabrielle. "Do you want to go, too?"

Not long after Accord had been born, Hades had granted Gabrielle immortality. He'd decided that it wasn't fair for Hercules' lover, Iolaus, to have a free pass from the Underworld if Xena's couldn't, too. That had caused some grumbling on Olympus. At least as many people found Gabrielle irritating as had been annoyed by a pre-divinity Joxer--and Gabrielle hadn't done NEARLY as much to prove them wrong as he had. There had been no formal joining ceremony for Xena and Gabrielle, but only the blindest or those who didn't know them--didn't know.

Accord knew that Ares had no use at all for Gabrielle. She'd often been harsh in her treatment of his other father, and though Joxer never seemed to hold it against her, Ares most definitely did. Gabrielle had gotten a little more sensitive in her treatment of the ex-warrior, and Accord had never been exposed to her previous careless treatment of Joxer. When Accord had begun to evidence friendliness toward the bard, Ares had threatened to take him to the Halls of Time and show him exactly how she'd treated Joxer. Joxer himself had forbidden it, saying, "Everyone deserves another chance, Ar. Sure, she wasn't very pleasant, but it's not like she's actually EVIL. Maybe if she lives another few centuries she'll see enough of life to mellow."

The fact was that Accord had grown to be one of the few people who actually LIKED Gabrielle. Even Xena loved her more than liking her. And since Accord liked her he went with what he felt would be Joxer's wishes instead of Ares'. "Sur, Gabby, come along. After all, it's going to be family."

Gabrielle bit her lip, feeling tears pricking at the back of her eyes. Accord's simple acceptance touched her more than she wanted to admit. To justify his feelings for her she was willing to put up with Ares' sniping for an evening. "Thank, Accord. I'd be happy to. Do we need to bring anything?"

Accord stared at her, then they all laughed. "Good one, Gabs. Just bring yourself." He pointed at Xena. "I'm warning you right now, sister--it won't be long before you're gonna have to deal with me whenever you negotiate a peace between warlords. I'm pushing for an early investure."

"I'm looking forward to it, Cord," said Xena. As she spoke she reached over and plucked a small white feather out of Accord's hair, offering it to him. "Did you visit Cupid before you came here?"

Accord took the feather. "Um, yeah, but I think this is from Bliss, not Cupid. His are a little more slender than Cupid's." He tucked the feather in the weave of his braid.

"Why are you so anxious to take up your duties?" asked Gabrielle.

Accord looked a little puzzled. His fingers crept up unconsciously to stroke the small, soft whiteness. "I have my reasons." *I can't for the life of me think what they are, but I must have them.*

~*~

"You promise?" said Joxer.

"I promise," said Ares.

"You swear?"

"Hades' spades, Joxer!"

"Swear."

"Oh, for-- All right! I..."

"Hand on heart."

Ares heaved a martyred sigh, but placed his hand flat over his heart, rolled his eyes upward and said flatly, "I hereby swear that I will NOT change the food, place settings, tableware, room decorations, or furnishing in the dining room..." Joxer started to nod. "...more than twice."

"ARES!"

"All right, all right. Is the rest of my pregnancy going to be so restricted."

Joxer groaned. "It's already started."

"What has?"

"The pregnancy crazies." He kissed Ares. "I guess I avoided most of that because I had my garden to keep me occupied. I could channel all my 'gotta do SOMETHING' energy into that." He gestured widely, the sweep of his hand encompassing the entire dining room. "If you have to change something, get it over with. They'll start arriving soon."

Ares scowled. "I don't NEED to change anything. You think I can't resist the urge?"

"I never said that."

"Well, I can."

"Good."

"Great."

Accord came into the room. "I've decided that I'm just going to have to stick with either leaving my hair loose, or keeping it in a braid or tail. Putting it up any other way makes me look like a girl. Hey Dads." He came over and kissed each of them on the cheek. "New clothes for the announcement, Dad?"

Joxer looked at Ares sharply. The last time he'd looked at his husband, Ares had been wearing his usual dark clothes and leather. He still had the leather pants and vest, but now his black shirt had narrow red stripes. Joxer put his fists on his hips. "What?" said Ares. "I heard somewhere that stripes were slimming, and you didn't say anything about changing clothes."

Joxer looked at Accord. "Let this be a lesson to you, son--watch out for the fine print in whatever agreements you negotiate. You can go pick up Xena now."

"Will do. Oh, Dad?" His eyes had been skipping over the dinner table. "You have a thirteen places set. Better lay another plate." *FLASH*

Joxer frowned. "Another place? Let me see... Me, you, Accord, Hera..."

"Dite and Hephaestus," said Ares. "Deimos and Phobos."

"Strife, Cupid, Bliss, and Impetua..."

"Xena... Thirteen. Who--? Oh, I know. He must want to make it look like we didn't assume that Zeus wasn't going to attend."

"Maybe, but I thought we'd made it pretty clear to him, and it isn't like we need to go to a lot of trouble hiding our intentions from the guests we have invited."

"Well, who else COULD it be?" Joxer gave him a look. After a moment Ares' eyebrows lowered. "He wouldn't do that to me."

"He's the God of Mediation, Ar. Trying to get people to strike a level of tolerance is his job."

"I tolerate her--barely. I haven't blasted her yet, have I? I don't see why I have to put up with..."

"She's basically your daughter's wife--that's why. Don't be an ugly in-law."

"Emotional blackmail is not a pretty thing, Joxer." Joxer kissed him. "It's a good thing you are."

"Are what?"

Ares pinched his ass. "A pretty thing."

"I'm soooo insulted." *FLASH* Accord, his right arm wrapped around Xena and his left arm wrapped around Gabrielle, appeared. "Hi, girls!" He watched as Ares made a discreet gesture, and another place setting appeared on the table. His smile became even more genuine. "Glad you could make it."

Xena nodded her greetings, but Gabrielle said, "Hi!" She lifted a small bowl of ripe cherries. "I brought fruit." Ares and Joxer exchanged looks. "Yeah, right. I know that's sort of silly, since you guys can just think up whatever you want, but these looked really nice, and I thought... I AM a guest, so..."

"Thank you, Gabrielle." Everyone looked at Ares in surprise. His tone had been graciousl. He held out his hands. "Let me put tnose on the table. I'm going to put them close to my place, so I can be sure of getting some."

Xena blinked. "Who are you, and what have you done with my father?"

Gabrielle stared after him as he walked to the table, then leaned over and whispered to Accord, "Is he sick?"

Accord smiled. "Not exactly. Dad, should I go get the others?"

"No, they'll be here soon enough," said Ares. "We have guests now." *And if you're here I'm much less likely to be tempted to strangle her.*

Joxer got the two women seated and brought them goblets of wine, slapping Accord's hand when he started to reach for the bottle. "You're not grown yet, brat."

Completely unabashed, Accord shook his slapped hand. "Soon."

There were multiple flashes as Aphrodite and Hepaestus appeared together, then Cupid and Strife, and just after them Bliss and Impetua. Impetua bounced. "Hey, they're already serving hooch! Cool."

Strife locked an arm around her neck and rubbed his fist in her brown-green hair. "Go wild, baby girl. Have TWO kinds of fruit juice."

"Ya know, sometimes your no fun."

"I'M havin fun," said Strife cheerfully.

Accord and Bliss were just smiling at each other. Finally Bliss said, "Hi."

"Hey," Accord responded. They smiled at each other some more. Aphrodite giggled, and Cupid shook his head slightly, not quite smiling.

Ares, true to form, missed this. "Where are the twins?"

Impetua was studying the laden table. "I told 'em. They should be here any minute now. I think they were gonna attend the premier of Jayce's new play--just the start of it."

"Since when are the boys interested in drama?" asked Ares.

"Jayce has two or three actors makin' their maiden appearances, an' the play is by a first time playwrite. Believe me, there's gonna be plenty of panic an' fear to go around."

There was a double flash. Two near carbon copies of Strife appeared, locked in a tussel. The blond one seemed to be trying to pull the nose off the dark haired one. "Mine!"

The brunette gave the same treatment to his opponent's ears. "Mine, you glory hog!"

"I'm the one who made him wet his pants in front of half of Athens."

"You couldn't have panicked him if I hadn't set him up with a great, honking case of stage fright."

Strife giggled. "I THOUGHT I got a buzz a coupla minutes ago."

Ares roared, "TWINS!" The two young men froze They didn't let go of their handholds, but if Ares was addressing them collectively rather than by name, and in that tone of voice, it was a good idea to pay attention. "I knew it was a mistake to give you two godhoods that were so similar, but no--Zeus thought it would be cute. Let go of each other."

"Fine!" It was a duet, and it was more of a mutual shove than a turning loose. They went over and simultaneously kissed Aphrodite on both cheeks. Again together they said, "Hi, Mom."

"Can we have a little less of the Greek chorus act?" said Ares. Deimos and Phobos exchanged looks. "Oh, come on. I know you do it on purpose. You play it for all it's worth, and it's very effective when you deal with mortals, but this is a family evening, so can it."

"Sure." "Sorry, Dad."

The answers weren't the same, and not QUITE simultaneous, so Ares was mollified. Deimos and Phobos, though, looked as if they were about to vibrate. "Oh, all right. One more."

Deimos kicked Phobos in the shin, and Phobos punched his brother in the arm--hard. After that they looked about as peaceful as it was possible for Panic and Fear to get. "When do we eat?" asked Phobos.

"We're..."

Deimos pointed at Gabrielle. "What's SHE doing here?"

"Having dinner, and not being harrassed," said Joxer shortly. "And I wouldn't take that tone with her if I were you." Actually Joxer had meant the narrow look Xena was giving his nephew-in-law, but he continued, "After all--you're just as blond as she is."

Ares said, "As I was saying, we're waiting..."

Deimos had been creeping around behind Accord. Now he whipped around in front of him, springing up and shouting, "BOOGAH BOOGAH!" Accord raised an eyebrow at him. "Nothin?" Accord shook his head. "Dammit!" Deimos threw himself in a chair to sulk. "I managed that ONE time when you were three--then nothing."

"And do you recall what we did after we found out that YOU were the one who frightened Cord into a screaming fit of hysterics?" There was a grim tone in Joxer's voice, and Deimos squirmed, giving everyone a cringing, apologetic grin. Everyone would have expected Ares to react to such a thing, but Joxer... He might be the God of Peace, but it was very unwise to screw around with his son.

"Right, right," said Deimos. "No work--family night. Why are we all sitting around and not chowing down?"

"WE'RE WAITING..." Ares stopped. Everyone looked at him questioningly. "I just figured someone was going to interrupt me again. As I was saying, we're waiting for..."

"Tha Robert E. Lee?" said Strife. Cupid swatted him. "I HAD TO!"

"We'rewaitingforZeusandHera," Ares said in a rush. He heaved a sigh.

*Flash*

"Well, then there's no point in waiting any longer." Hera stood in their midst, looking as cool and serene as usual. Her grandchildren and great-grandchildren went over one by one and kissed her proferred cheek. "No point in waiting for Zeus. He has urgent business elsewhere. I think she's a redhead." Her eyes flashed. "I could just murder..." She noticed the wide-eyed look that Impetua and Accord were giving her. "...a nice, rare steak. Shall we eat?"