The Hercules Picture Show

Meanwhile, Iolaus was feeling a lot of guilt- and a dull pain in his ass. *What's happening here?* he wondered as he limped through the corridors of the castle. *Where's Herc? Where's anybody!* Iolaus leaned against a wall and pondered his predicament. *Herc, how can I have done this to you?* While their friendship had been platonic, Iolaus felt like he had soiled it by pretending Frank was Hercules. He leaned against a doorframe. *If only we hadn't made this journey. If only it hadn't started raining. If only we were among friends...or sane persons! Hercules...what have they done with him?*
Iolaus noticed one of the several TV monitors lining the hallway. This one showed the action going on in Hercules' bedroom. Iolaus' eyes widened with shock as he watched Hercules and Frank writhe together in naked abandon. "Hercules!" he cried out. "How could you?!"
"Like you have room to talk!" Iolaus jumped at the voice of Magenta. The domestique had slipped up silently behind him. "I saw all the naughty things you were doing with Frankie!"
"No, I mean, how?" said Iolaus. "I mean, just look at them! You need a spine made out of silly nutty to pull that position off!"
"I am looking!" Magenta said with an appreciative smile. "I see all. And I like what I see." She locked her eyes with Iolaus'.
"Say, um, are you and your brother...you know...?" Iolaus made a vague suggestive move with his hands. "I'm getting a vibe, that's all."
"Mmm....I am getting a vibe too." Magenta said seductively.
Emotion is an agitation or disturbance of mind, vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master. And from what Autolycus and Columbia observed from the television monitor, there seemed little doubt that Iolaus was indeed its slave.
Columbia had introduced Autolycus to yet another invention from her time period- the water bed. They were both reclining on it while observing the interaction between Iolaus and Magenta. "Tell us about it, Iolaus!" the two of them chorused.
"I was feeling done in." Iolaus said to Magenta. "Couldn't win. I'd never even kissed a man before...."
"You mean he's...?" Columbia asked.
"Uh-huh." Autolycus replied, slipping an arm around her.
"It would only lead to trouble," said Iolaus. "And...seat wetting."
"Hey, I think this seat is wet!" Autolycus said, moving closer to a giggling Columbia.
"Now all I want to know," said Iolaus as he closed in on Magenta. "Is how to go. I've tasted blood and I want more...."
"More! More! More!" Columbia and Autolycus eagerly chanted.
"I'll put up no resistance." said Iolaus.
"Like he ever has before." scoffed Autolycus.
"I want to stay the distance." Autolycus and Columbia watched eagerly as Iolaus took Magenta in his arms, allowing his hands to creep up her skirt. "I got an itch to scratch. I need assistance! Touch-a-touch-a-touch me! I wanna feel dirty! Thrill me chill me fulfill me, creature of the night!" Autolycus surreptiously undid a few clasps on Columbia's outfit while Iolaus seductively circled Magenta, allowing his fingers to gently trail over her lace entrapped bosom.
"And if anything grows," he giggled. "While you pose, I'll oil you up and rub you down."
"Down! Down! Down!" Columbia and Autolycus chanted.
"And that's just one small fraction," said Iolaus. "Of the main attraction." Columbia was gasping with excitement as she watched Iolaus take Magenta's hands. Autolycus' hands were busy elsewhere. "You need a friendly hand. I need action!" Magenta kneaded Iolaus' buttocks while he lifted her skirt and thrust against her, her back flush to the wall. "Touch-a-touch-a-touch me! I wanna feel dirty! Thrill me chill me fulfill me, creature of the night!"
Columbia laughed as she watched her friend couple with the compact warrior. "Touch-a-touch-a-touch me!" she sang!
"I wanna be dirty!" Autolycus announced, removing her bra while barely disturbing the rest of her sparkly outfit. Columbia was most impressed with this feat of legerdemain.
"Thrill me chill me fulfill me!" she sang as she whipped off Autolycus' belt.
"Creature of the night!" He pulled her close for a searing kiss.
"Touch-a-touch-a-touch me! I wanna feel dirty!" Iolaus' voice rang out as Autolycus and Columbia rode waves of ecstasy on the water bed. "Feel me chill me fulfill me, creature of the night!" Iolaus steadily pumped himself into the willing and gasping parlor maid even as Autolycus discovered that Columbia's breasts each made a perfect handful.

Hercules was feeling desperately in need of a bath. What had possessed him to do all the things he just did with Frank? "Yes, that was quite good." said Frank. "Not terribly tidy, I'm afraid." Frank frowned at the other cum-stained garter belt. "But, quite good. Do you smoke after sex?
"Um, I'm not sure. I never checked." Hercules replied.
Frank laughed and took a pack of Virginia Slims from his garter. He lit one with the Zippo on the night stand. He offered it to Hercules and lit one for himself. Hercules just stared at the burning object for a moment, not sure what to do with it. He watched Frank put the unlit end in his mouth and inhale, exhaling a puff of smoke. Hercules tried to copy him, only to be attacked by a severe coughing fit. Frank chuckled. "If you ain't chokin', you ain't smokin'!"
"Master!" Hercules looked up at the sound of Riff-Raff's voice. "Master!" How had the butler gotten in here? As it turned out, Riff-Raff wasn't in the room at all. His face appeared on the strange glass panel on the box by the bed.
"What is it, Riff-Raff?" Frank sighed.
"We have visitors." said Riff-Raff. "Apparently, Eddie has brought along some friends."
"Coming!" Frank smiled at Hercules and nodded, indicating that he should follow. Hercules snuffed out the cigarette and threw on a floral print bathrobe.
Frank and Hercules came to a chamber where Riff-Raff was observing several monitors. He replayed a recording of the visitors approaching the castle. Eddie parked his motorcycle just as Xena reigned in her horse. Xena helped Gabrielle dismount as Eddie helped a dizzy Joxer to his feet. They huddled for a moment, then split up. Eddie went off with Joxer while Xena went off with Gabrielle. "That's Xena and Gabrielle." said Hercules. "And Joxer."
"You know these Earthlings?" asked Riff-Raff. Frank shot him a warning glance. "People?" Riff-Raff amended.
"Of course." said Hercules. "They're good friends of mine."
"I see." Frank said, his mouth getting hard. "So, this wasn't just a chance meeting, was it?"
"Iolaus and I were just caught in the rain." said Hercules. "I was telling the truth."
"Oh, don't try to fool me, Herc!" Frank said menacingly. "You came here with a purpose! You somehow discovered my plan and came here to foil it by rescuing Joxer and Autolycus! And now you have those females involved!"
"What-what are you talking about?" asked Hercules.
"Oh, don't play dumb!" Frank observed his "guests" on the monitor. "The females are quite fetching. Particularly the sweet little blonde."
"You stay away from them!" Hercules demanded. He couldn't let Frank do to them what he did to him.
Just then, Iolaus and Magenta walked in, laughing as their arms rested about each other. "Iolaus!" Hercules shouted in shock.
"Hercules!" Iolaus was likewise surprised.
"Magenta!" shouted Riff-Raff.
"Riff-Raff!" Magenta hadn't expected to see her brother/boyfriend so soon.
"Iolaus!" shouted Frank.
"Frank!" Iolaus replied.
"Iolaus!" shouted Hercules.
"Hercules!" Iolaus replied.
"Magenta!" screamed Riff-Raff.
"Riff-Raff!" Magenta gasped.
"Listen," Frank growled as he approached Magenta. "I made you, and I can break you just as easily!"
"I'll thank you not to threaten my sister, master." Riff-Raff said, taking a stand next to her.
"Well, it seems that you've grown a spine, Riff." said Frank. "Albeit a crooked one." He tapped Riff-Raff's hunched back. "Hope you enjoyed the little boy toy, Magenta. It's the only crack you'll ever have at him! He's mine now. As are Hercules, those females, the burglars we caught earlier and that little traitor Eddie Scott!"
"You don't own anyone, Frank!" said Hercules. "Not me! Not Iolaus! Not anybody!"
"Don't I?" Frank asked as he started to grope Iolaus.
"Get your hands off me!" Iolaus protested.
"Ooh, you weren't saying that earlier tonight, darling." leered Frank. "Oops, did I say that in front of Herc? So sorry."
"No matter what you've done with us," said Hercules. "You still can't own people!"
"But, you don't want to leave, do you Iolaus?" Frank ran a teasing finger over Iolaus' chest. Iolaus responded by kneeing him in the groin and running away.
"Iolaus!" Frank gasped. "How can you!" He chased after the retreating blond. Hercules followed. Magenta laughed hysterically. Riff-Raff told her to shut up.

"Autolycus should be around here somewhere." Joxer said as he and Eddie explored the room where they last saw the thief. "Maybe he and Columbia went somewhere safer."
Eddie heard strange moaning sounds coming from behind a door. Then he heard Autolycus' voice. "Oh, Columbia! Oh...you can't put your finger there! Oooh! Put your finger *there!*"
"Joxer!" whispered Eddie as he pointed to the door. As Joxer drew closer, he could hear Autolycus' agonized screams along with some high pitched caterwauling. Was Autolycus being besieged by some foul beast? He drew his sword and kicked down the door. He saw Autolycus and Columbia writhing under a satin bed sheet on a bed that seemed to undulate with them. As soon as they realized they were being watched, they attempted to cover up.
"Columbia?" Joxer had been looking forward to some beast slaying.
"Joxer!" Columbia clasped the sheet over her breasts.
"Columbia!" Eddie screamed, not wanting to believe what he had seen and heard.
"Eddie!" she screamed.
"Autolycus?" Joxer was amazed at how fast the thief had charmed the woman into bed.
"Joxer." Autolycus acknowledged him calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was completely naked.
"Columbia!" Eddie screamed again.
"Eddie!" She screamed.
"Well, now that we all know each others' names," said Autolycus. "Did you find Xena and Gabrielle?"
"Yeah." said Joxer. "They're searching the castle for Iolaus and Hercules."
"I can't believe this!" shouted Eddie. "What in the Sam Hill has gotten into you woman? I leave you alone for a few minutes and what happens? You go gallavantin' behind my back with this ornery pole cat!"
"Oh, like you can talk!" Columbia retorted. "What about you and Frankie?"
"I was drunk! I thought he was you!" Eddie replied. "And what about *you* and Frankie?"
"Look, this lovers' quarrel is going to have to wait." said Autolycus. "We need to concentrate on getting outta here. Um...where did I put my pants?"
"Ya mean the ones ya threw out the window?" said Columbia.
Autolycus swore as he realized that in his passion, he had indeed thrown his pants out an open window. He'd have to improvise with the satin sheet.