Learning To Let Go

All Previous Disclaimers Apply.

Author’s Note: I’d just like to say a brief thank you to those who have reviewed this story. It keeps me encouraged and I really appreciate it. So . . . Thank You!

“Sugar, you know no one blames you,” Penelope Garcia murmured as she lay in the large bed with the man who had been first crush, then friend, and now lover. More than lover, she mused, as they laid in the dark, the only light in the room coming from the streetlamp just outside of the apartment they shared. There was no way she could call him simply her lover, not anymore. She had been able to call him her lover when they had gone to bed together for the first time. She had been able, still, to call him her lover nearly a month after that. A month of pure, not being able to keep their hands off of each other for more than a couple of hours, attachment. But, no, just after that time and all the way up to now, he was something more than lover. Derek Morgan was her love.

It had been so easy to fall in love with him. He’d simply smiled at her, and nodded, when she did the one smart thing she’d ever done when it came to attractive men and told him that he would have to wait to be with her. At the time she had kicked herself mentally for days, telling herself that she had lost the one chance she had with the object of her affection of many months. She had spent many a sleepless night, replaying the moment again and again in her head. The way he had leaned over, looked into her eyes for just a brief moment, and then pressed his lips to hers in the barest whisper of a kiss. Before thinking came into it, she was letting him kiss her, really kiss her, the kind of kiss that went straight down to your toes, then back up to your head to make you dizzy. When he’d finally pulled away just a little, only one betraying little thought could enter her head.

Reid’s asleep in the next room and still going through withdrawal. What the hell are you doing, girl?

So, she’d pushed him away, and told him he had to wait, because she would not get together with him simply because they were in a high stress situation. It was perhaps the smartest thing she had ever done, and she’d known it at the time, but it didn’t make her feel any better. He had waited two long weeks before making any move at all. But, just when she had resigned herself to the fact that he had only kissed her because of the situation, he had finally come to her. She had been in her office, finishing the last of her reports, the rest of the team had only just gotten in from location. If anything they did could be called easy, this had been an easy case. They had gotten every missing child back safely to their families and the kidnapper was behind bars with a court date already set. She had decided never to commit a crime in a small town. Small town justice was swift and lasting. No one would blame them if the jury decided the man needed to fry. Hell, she wouldn’t have blamed them.

“Hey, baby girl,” he’d murmured softly, closing the door to her office slowly and flipping the lock.

“Hey yourself,” she’d been perhaps a little too bubbly in her nervousness, standing and putting her hands on her hips, “Have you brought me chocolate? You know all goddesses demand tribute.”

“Tribute,” He’d laughed a little and closed the distance between them in less than a second, taking her in his arms and covering her lips with his own. And the only thought that could run through her head was: Yes. This is how it’s supposed to be. Her arms had twined around his neck and he had pulled her closer, deepening the kiss, letting her take from him as much as he was taking from her. Just as she thought her legs might give under her, he had pulled away, kissing her lips chastely once more before tucking her head under his chin and simply swaying with her gently to a tune only they could hear.

“That always works,” she’d not been able to resist the joke, “But, next time don’t dare enter without chocolate of some kind.”

“You said if I still wanted to do it after everything was over then I could,” he’d pressed a kiss to her neck and she hadn’t been able to help the sigh, “Well, mama, I’ve wanted to do that since that night. Hope I waited long enough.”

“Long enough?” she’d laughed, “You waited any longer and I would have had to attack you at your desk!”

“Good to know,” he’d pulled away to look down at her, and then reached behind him to grab her coat, “Come on, let’s get out of here. I can finish my reports tomorrow.”

“Excuse me, Mr. Morgan,” she had pulled away, a smile on her face, “Just what are you trying to insinuate? I’m not easy, baby. You’re gonna have to wine and dine me before you get this girl home with you.”

“Counted on it,” he’d volleyed back, just as easily, “All the good ones are worth waiting for. And, baby girl, you’re more than good.”

“Sweet-talker. Come on. I’m starved.”

The happiest times of her life had started that night at a simple late night diner that had unbelievable pie and horrible coffee. Truthfully, she had never been the most confident girl in love. It was hard, when you were not what society termed exceedingly beautiful because you weren’t twig thin and you didn’t have the form of a twelve year old boy. But, with Derek, everything she had ever tried to convince herself she was, he really made her believe. With Derek, she was beautiful and sexy and her size didn’t matter because he didn’t want any other woman by his side. They would go dancing and there would be plenty of young women, half her size or less, trying to catch his eye and they would all go home disappointed because he only had eyes for her. She had to admit, she had been worried. Even Reid had questioned if Derek had ever been with the same woman more than once, but she discovered that he loved with the same single minded ferocity he showed on the job. When he was with her, he was with her. And he wanted to be with her for a very long time. No other woman had made him want that and so he had moved on until he found the one who did.

It had only been a few weeks before they had decided that it just made more sense to move in together. They were rarely apart to begin with. That had been the start of a new part of their relationship all together. They’d had to learn about each other all over, and learn to compromise when neither of them had compromising attitudes. She’d learned that when he was working out not to bother him. It was the time he used to think things through and he needed it to be private. He’d learned that there was times when she just needed him to say he was sorry and offer to take her to dinner, even if what she got upset about didn’t seem to make any sense to him. She was very internal and sometimes she was set off by something infinitesimally small because many small things had built up over time. And of course, there had been the normal decline of the sex life for a time as they got adjusted. There was nothing less romantic than yelling at each other because of toothpaste left in the sink and towels left on the floor. But, they’d come through it all. They’d come through the fights and the adjustment, to become a healthy, thriving couple. Of course, they could still fight like cats and dogs at times, but what couple couldn’t?

Keeping their relationship out of the office was the hardest thing they had to do. They knew that no one would fault them their love, nor would anyone want to see them split up, but in their job they had to have a definite line. What happened at home, stayed at home. They couldn’t compromise a case because they were mad at each other from a fight they’d had that morning. Nor would they go home mad at each other because something hadn’t gone right during one of the cases. They knew the team knew, of course. It was in the little things they did now. He always called her just before they went out to apprehend the unsub so that they could hear each other say “I love you,” and he always called when it was over and they were on their way home. Their playful telephone banter had taken on a decidedly sexual overtone. Things like, “I am so going to tear all your clothes off when I get home,” and “I am so hot for you right now,” became regular comments until even Reid stopped blushing at them.

Reid. Garcia sighed and snuggled closer to Derek. It was hard to believe they were going to lose him. They’d just gotten him back. Time could fly so quickly when everything was going so well. She had taken her time to mourn. She’d done it nearly all day, sobbing as she flitted from site to site trying to find anything to save her boy. But, he had asked them. He had asked them, in that stunningly simple and disarming way of his, to forget all he had told them. He wanted to live life for as long as he could. And she was never one to take something like that away. So, she would do exactly what he had asked. Until it was impossible to ignore, she was going to forget what had been said. She had to. It was the only way she was going to keep herself sane in these next few months. Reid wanted his life to continue as if nothing were wrong. So, she would see to it for as long as she could that nothing was wrong. Perhaps, well, most likely, hell, who was she kidding? It was a fact that she would be spending more time with him, trying to show him exactly what they all loved about him that they could never seem to express. They would laugh more, they would probably end up crying more, and they would simply be. She’d dealt with terminal disease before, and knew what it was like to regret spending the last days and weeks of someone’s life in a constant state of mourning. There were regrets . . . regrets that could never be lessened. But, with Reid she would make sure that there were no regrets, for either of them.

She couldn’t say the same for her lover, the man who was lying with her, silent in the bed. Derek had stumbled in the door only an hour before looking, for all intents of purposes, as if he had gone through war. His shirt had been torn so badly at the collar that she knew it could never be mended and his pants were destroyed by dirt and blood stains. She hadn’t had to ask what he’d been doing all day. He’d gone out and found as many fights as he could, trying to work through the anger and confusion he felt trapped inside of himself. She could only imagine what it was like, to be so angry you would strike out at the one person who needed it least. Of course, as she had already told him, no one blamed him, not even Reid.

“I hit him, Pen . . .”

“I was there. You were angry. We’re all angry. Reid understood. Stop tearing yourself apart over it. Apologize and move on. He’ll need you.”

“Yeah, I know . . . I just . . .” How could he explain it to her? How could he explain the shame he felt inside, still? Reid had told them he was dying and instead of reaching out to comfort him, he had hit him . . . hard. He hadn’t pulled anything when he had backhanded Reid this morning. And all Reid had done was look at him, understanding, almost as if he had expected it. Who was he kidding? Reid probably had expected it. Genius would think everything through before he told them. He probably knew exactly how all of them would react.

It just didn’t make sense. None of it made any sense at all. Why Reid? He was so damn young. They had all watched him grow and he had grown into a fine man, but he would always be theirs. Their boy. Their youngest. With the exception of Gideon, who saw him as a second son, they all thought of Reid as their little bother. They couldn’t help it. Three years of a team that hadn’t changed in make-up would do that to people. They fell into roles. Gideon was their father figure, the one with the most experience, the one they all looked up to, the one who stayed by your side the whole time if you were in the hospital for any reason. Hotch was their boss, and their big brother, not quite as experienced as Gideon and not quite the person you always went to if you were having a problem, but getting there. He took their failures, and their guilt, onto himself and led them without falter, but wasn’t afraid to ask Gideon when he knew that there was something he couldn’t quite handle. His girl was the one they all turned to for a laugh and counted on to be there to supply it. He knew that he was their muscle, in a way, to make sure that when things had to be done right away they didn’t wait around for the bureaucrats to catch up. JJ reminded them that there was a whole other world outside of their little team and that sometimes they were going to have to interact with it. Emily was their logic. She was the one who grounded them when they all began to get too emotionally involved, as they tended to do quite often. They had been dubious about her placing with them at first, but now they knew they couldn’t be without her. And Reid. He’d said it before, but it was just as true now. Reid was their heart and soul. Reid made them all better than they were, whether it be in the field or simply in life. His innocence kept them from getting jaded. His enjoyment of simple things, despite how much he knew, forced them all to see wonder in the world around them even when they didn’t want to. How were they supposed to get along without him?

Reid had said those two little words. “I’m dying.” And suddenly his world had come crashing down around him. Everything had been perfect. He had the love of his life by his side every day and in his bed every night, the team was working together better than they ever had before, gaining them the unofficial title as the best team the Bureau had produced in a very long time, and Reid had been clean for over a year. But, just two little words and he’d been back in some of the darkest places he’d ever been in his life. The only thought really able to permeate had been: Why Reid? No answers. Without answers he had let himself slip back into a very destructive pattern that he’d thought he had broken himself of years ago. What he didn’t understand, he let himself hate. Hate was simply a physical manifestation of extreme anger, and he’d needed to release it before it tore his chest apart, so he’d hit Reid. For one sickening second, the hit had been satisfying, to see the pain in Reid’s eyes. Then, he’d realized what he’d done and he’d had to run away. Try to outrun the anger. Try to outrun the pain. Try to outrun the shame. The emotions were still circling around in him, but to a lesser degree after all the fights he had won today.

He wouldn’t cry. Not now. He had cried earlier, without even realizing it. He had been crying during all of the street fights he had sought out, but even on the street, there was a kind of code. If the man kicked your ass once, you didn’t mention anything that might make him do it again. So, he didn’t realize he was crying until he couldn’t see anymore. But, they weren’t tears of sorrow. They were tears of rage, of confusion, of hate. It just seemed like such a waste. He was an incredible kid. (Not such a kid, he reminded himself.) Why the hell would something like this happen to someone like him? No answers. There were no answers to be found. And that only made him angrier. He must have tensed, or made a growl from the back of his throat because the next thing he knew, Penelope was sitting up, pinning his arms next to his sides, and glaring at him for all she was worth.

“You haven’t been listening to a thing I’ve said for the past hour, have you? Well, gorgeous, I’m only going to say it one more time so you better listen good.” Her normally amiable face was completely serious, so he only nodded. Her voice was strong when she began, “This is not about you. Yeah, so you hit him. It was something you shouldn’t have done. But, Reid forgives you and no one else blames you. Now, you’re just being self-indulgent. What are you going to do? Avoid him like the plague for the next month because you still feel guilty? What if he only has the next month? What if he only has the next three days? Think about it! So, you’re angry. We’re all angry. So, you’re confused. We’re all confused. So, you want to know why. Damn it, Derek, we all want to know why! But, sometimes you have to take what you can get. And what we have is time to make sure Reid knows how much he means to us. So just . . . get over yourself already!”

By the time she was done, her voice had risen in pitch and volume until she was practically screaming at him. She punctuated her last sentence with a strong slap to his face and a snort of derision before releasing his arms and getting out of the bed. He could only lay in the bed for a long moment, shocked at what she had just said. Then, with a chagrined moan, he had to admit to himself that she was right. Good God, he’d been selfish. It wasn’t about him, was it? And yet, every damn thought that had run through his head for almost six hours had been in relation to him, how Reid’s news made him feel. He had acted like a self-centered prick. Damn it. And now he’d wasted a whole day. He ran a hand over his face.

“Pen, baby girl,” he called as he rolled out of the bed and walked through the small apartment to find her at the kitchen counter, leaning over the sink and looking out the window the apartment courtyards. She looked beautiful when she was exasperated with him. She looked beautiful anytime, but she looked particularly beautiful standing at the counter, her hair down and around her shoulders, her black silk nightgown accenting and enhancing all of her best features, “I’m sorry, sweetheart. You’re right.”

She could never stay mad at him for very long, “You’re not just saying that to ensure that you’ll get some tonight?”

“Maybe a little,” he smiled when she turned to look at him, “No. You’re right, really. I was being a selfish bastard. I just . . . I’m scared, Pen. I’m scared to lose him.” She knew how much it cost him to admit it.

“We all are,” she whispered, turning away from the counter and holding out her hand for him, offering much more than that. He took it readily and pulled her into a tight embrace.

“Is this okay?” he whispered, “I mean, I know that Reid’s dying. It’s not like I could forget, even if I wanted to, but . . . I can’t be angry anymore. I’m still scared, but it’s not overwhelming.”

“Sugar,” she murmured, “I think it’s the best place for you to be. I think it’s a place we’ll all need to work to find. My mother used to tell me never to mourn something I hadn’t yet lost. We’re going to lose him. No matter what we do now, we have to face that. But, we can’t go around acting as if we’ve lost him already. What kind of last days would those be?”

“Mama, you do have a way with words,” he laughed.

“Yeah,” she murmured, pressing a kiss to the inside of his throat, “Doesn’t mean I’m quite in that place yet. So, Mr. Morgan, take me to bed, make love to me, and make me forget everything. Please.”

“My pleasure, baby girl, my pleasure.”