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Darkest Nights	By : Bucken-Berry Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 1451 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU or it's characters and I'm not making money from this.

Chapter List
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George stayed deep in thought over the next hour. He barely noticed that Elliot didn't drive home right away, instead opting to get George's new prescriptions filled first.
He stared out the window, thinking about the trial. It was clear that he wouldn't be able to go through with his suicide plan for quite some time, and that meant he had to continue with the trial- unless he managed to convince Elliot and Alex that he couldn't testify. He had thought that his plan would succeed and make it so he didn't have to deal with anything anymore, but since that wasn't the case, he knew he had to stop testifying.
Then again, it would infuriate his attackers if they didn't have the chance to terrorize him…
He shivered, but shook the thought out of his head. Even though they were right, it didn't matter. They'd get what they wanted in the end.
He continued to shiver; the mere thought of his attackers was making him panic. He wanted to tell Elliot to drive somewhere far away, not telling anyone where they were going, and stay there until they were sure his attackers could do no more harm.
Elliot noticed that George was lost in his thoughts. He waited until he had dropped George's prescriptions off, then he stopped in the parking lot to talk to him.
"George?" he asked softly. He set a hand on George's shoulder, and immediately, George flinched hard enough to collide with the door.
George bit his lip and grasped his shoulder. "What, Elliot?" he hissed.
"I'm sorry," Elliot muttered guiltily. He had scared George- again. How did he always end up hurting George, no matter what he did?
"Do you want to sit in the back seat with me?" Elliot asked, trying to assure himself as much as George.
George nodded slowly and climbed over the seat after him, setting his head in Elliot's lap with a sigh. One thing, at least, was improving- his fear of Elliot wasn't really there anymore. It was just a nagging worry, easily pushed aside. Everything else may have been an incredible struggle, but at least this was finally under control; a definite blessing.
Elliot idly stroked George's hair and gathered his thoughts. "George, do you want to talk?" he asked. "You seem to prefer talking to me, or at least someone you're close to…"
George shook his head, but then he nodded, deciding it was better to tell Elliot sooner than later. "Elliot, I can't do the trial anymore. I can't do it."
"You're sure?" Elliot asked softly.
George nodded. "I'm sure. I can't keep listening to others saying how I was when I was found, and how my attackers 'thought I consented'. I can't stand the knowledge that the other victim's families are there, wondering why they let me survive and not the others… I know there are only a few days left, but I can't do it. I'm sorry-"
"George, please don't apologize," Elliot requested gently. "I suspected it might come to this. I don't think your testimony is needed anymore, so it shouldn't be a problem."
"Okay," George murmured. "Can you talk to Alex for me?" Elliot nodded. George closed his eyes and huffed in frustration. "I'm so pathetic. I can't even finish the trial, I can't even fight my own battles-"
"George, it's okay, really," Elliot murmured reassuringly. "You aren't doing anything wrong. It'll be fine."
"You're wrong," George argued, voice wavering. "I'm doing plenty wrong, just like they said… and I can't think of one way that this will turn out fine. It isn't going to get better at all. And I don't deserve for it to get better, anyway."
Elliot closed his eyes and held him closer, wishing he could ease George's overwhelming depression. "I love you," he whispered.
George sighed. "I love you too, and I appreciate you being here for me. I'm trying not to feel guilty and not to blame myself. I know it's unhealthy and it's basically me torturing myself mentally, like Keyes did, and I should stop before I make my mental state worse. I'm trying to stop this, but it's difficult." He turned over and kissed Eliot softly.
Elliot returned the kiss, hoping that it showed his emotions- his love and his concern, his desire for George to recover, and his desire to be there for him.
He pulled away after a moment. "I don't know how long it'll take for you to recover, or what exactly needs to happen for you to be able to, but I'll do whatever it takes. I'll do anything to make this work."
George wished he could believe that Elliot's best would be enough to help him, but he'd lost all hope. There was only one way out, and even though he wouldn't be able to take it until he was alone, he still planned to, the first chance he got.
Elliot kissed the top of George's head, arms wrapping securely around his shoulders. He slid one hand under George's shirt, gently rubbing his back and kneading the tense muscles.
George exhaled slowly and rested his head on Elliot's chest. He wrapped his arms around Elliot's waist and sighed, relaxing slightly at the sound of Elliot's heartbeat. He let his thoughts wander, struggling to keep his thoughts away from his attackers, and, hoping a conversation would keep him distracted, looked up at Elliot again and asked, "Have you told anyone at the 1-6 about… about us? Nora's the only person I've told… I still don't talk to anyone too much, except you two."
"Olivia knows about us," Elliot said quietly. "Or, at least, she knows I have feelings for you. I told her, when you were on life support. And I think the Captain figured it out, too… he knows me well, and some of the things he's said to us makes me think he knows. I'd like to tell everyone else, though, when you're ready to start taking to other people again."
"Okay," George said with an unenthusiastic nod.
"I think your prescriptions should be ready by now. When we get home, we can talk to Alex," Elliot said. George nodded again, and they returned to the front seat. Elliot got George's prescription for the drive-thru pharmacy, and that was the last they spoke until they got home. Elliot kept the radio on so that George wouldn't get panicky.

"Are you sure George can't testify?" Alex asked with a slight disbelieving tone in her voice.
Elliot shifted the phone from one ear to the other. "I'm sure, Alex. He can't do this anymore. He's falling apart, and if he keeps doing this it'll get worse."
"Did he tell you that?" Alex asked pointedly.
Elliot felt his frustration boil. "Alex-" Elliot pinched the bridge of his nose- "He told me he couldn't handle it anymore."
"Can I talk to him?" She pressed. Elliot sighed- there was no reasoning with her.
"Fine, but Alex, if you upset him in any way, I swear to god…" He trailed off, too livid at the thought of anyone upsetting George to complete the sentence. "Just come over to my apartment. And whatever you do, don't be as tough on him as you can be with other reluctant victims. That's the last thing he needs right now."
"I won't," Alex promised.
"Why do you want to convince him to testify, anyway? Haven't you gotten all the testimony you need already?" Elliot asked.
"Almost," Alex said. "We're really close, but Linda wants to cross-examine him one more time. I think it's as much of a mind trick as anything, but there's not much I can do."
"Alright, then," Elliot said, resigned. "See you soon."
They hung up, and Elliot walked over to the sofa. George was lying on his stomach, trying to lose himself in an old TV show. Elliot knelt in front of him and pressed his lips to George's temple, whispering, "Are you okay?"
"I guess so." George muttered.
Elliot knew that his question had been pointless, but it would have reassured him if George had tried to pretend otherwise and had said yes anyway. He sighed and shook his head before continuing. "Alex wants to talk."
"Does she want to talk, or try to convince me to testify?" George asked wearily.
Elliot gave a grim smile. "The latter, I think."
"Fine, but I need you to stay with me." George said.
"As if I'd actually leave you alone with another person," Elliot said. The words had an almost jovial tone to them, but they both knew Elliot meant them. He had said he was going to protect George, and he meant it- even though in this case he was protecting him from mental harm. Mental harm was still dangerous, at this point.
George rolled onto his side and Elliot moved to lay down behind him. He wrapped his arms around George, his hands resting on George's stomach, and George grabbed his wrists to hold them there. He gave a deep sigh.
"What are you thinking about?" Elliot asked quietly. He kissed the back of George's head.
George took a breath and started to reply, but he shook his head. "I don't want to ruin your mood."
"My mood's ruined already, because I can't be happy unless you are too," Elliot said softly. The words didn't sound as comforting or romantic as they had in his head, but George got the meaning behind them. He gave a forced smile and turned around, kissing Elliot slowly.
"I love you," George said quietly.
"You too," Elliot replied. George rested his head on Elliot's shoulder and breathed deeply. Elliot held him and tried to think of something he could say, to get George talking, or to reassure him- anything, really.
George sighed and looked at the sofa, idly tugging a loose thread. After a moment he closed his eyes, as though his thoughts caused him pain. "Elliot, do you think… if my attackers were found not guilty, do you think they'd try to hurt me again? I think they might, but I also think it's just as likely that they wouldn't…"
Elliot paused. He didn't think it would happen, but he didn't think it was impossible, either, and he didn't enjoy entertaining the notion. "I don't know either. They could, I guess, but that's how it is when anyone gets released. We both know that. Some clean their act up, some don't. I don't think it's too likely that they'd go for you again, though, because it seems like they did what they wanted to do already. But it's a moot point anyway, because they will be found guilty. You're safe from now on."
George nodded and opened his mouth to speak again, but the doorbell rang. Elliot gave an apologetic look and kissed him, before walking over to the doorway and letting Alex in.
"Hey," George greeted softly as Alex walked in. He was nervous and edgy, but he and Alex had been close since George had joined the special victims unit. She had been extremely upset when she found out what had happened to him, Elliot had said. Everyone George knew had been, but she had been more vocal about it.
Elliot sat next to George and, purposefully, wrapped a possessive arm around him. George was surprised; they hadn't done more than casual touching in the presence of others, except for when Elliot had guided him to the sofa the night Keyes had been caught- and this wasn't quite the same.
Then he understood that Elliot was trying to send a message to Alex, that he wasn't to be messed with. It was an immature idea, but George still enjoyed the gesture, and it could end up helping in case Alex accidentally went too far. George gave Elliot a small, appreciative smile and leaned into the embrace.
Alex immediately noticed the body language the two were sending. "Are you two… together?"
George nodded silently in response, and Elliot said, "Yeah, we are."
"That explains a lot," Alex noted, thinking back to the night Keyes had been caught. It completely explained the way they'd acted ever since George had been found. Alex had known Elliot to be extremely protective, but he rarely went this far.
She didn't bother wondering about where Elliot's sexual orientation- or what she thought it was- fit into the equation, or the mental health concerns about a victim entering a relationship so soon. She knew Elliot and George had already worked that out for themselves.
"Well… George, are you okay?" Alex asked softly.
"Not really," George admitted.
The fact that George was actually saying that shocked her. She had always known George to be so hardy. Not outright tough, like Fin or Elliot, but sturdy, able to withstand extreme pressure without any outward signs of distress. Even when he'd been attacked by Matthew Brodus and had suffered wounded pride in addition to the concussion, he'd still dealt with it rather quickly.
She looked her friend over. George's physical wounds had all either healed or turned into scars, and very few of the scars were visible. But the presence of scars in and of itself was upsetting. And she could see that in several aspects, George's recovery had plateaud . His skin had lost some of its pallor, but it had never regained the healthy tone, either. And he no longer looked as painfully thin as he had in the hospital, but he was still quite underweight.
"George," She began, "I- I know this has been hard for you, and for Elliot too. And I know you don't think you can testify anymore. But you can do this, I know you can."
George swallowed hard. After a second, he exhaled slowly and said, "It'll be hard, but I think… I think I can stick it out, if there isn't much of the trial left."
"There isn't," Alex assured him. "We are so close to being done, and you only have to testify one more time. One more time on the stand, and then you can start to move on. You won't have to set foot in the courthouse again-" She cut herself off as she realized what she was saying, that she didn't think George would continue to be a forensic psychiatrist. Part of her wanted to believe that he would, but she knew deep down that his career was over, at least as far as active roles went. And judging by the lack of reaction from Elliot and George, they knew, too.
"You really aren't going to set foot in a courthouse again after this, are you?" She asked for affirmation.
"No," George said simply, shaking his head.
"So what are you going to do after this?" Alex asked.
George sighed wearily. "I don't know." And that would have been the truth even if he wasn't planning to commit suicide; he still wouldn't have been able to guess where he might go from here. "Maybe I can become a university professor, or something. Or, if I'm lucky, I could get a job working from home."
But the luckiest possibility of all, George thought, would be dying before he had to think about it.
A strange feeling came over him then, one that unnerved him. It was as though he had already died, and was a ghost eavesdropping on a conversation between two living people. He couldn't understand how or why it had started, and when it didn't cease after a whole minute- during which Alex listed ideas about where he could work that he only vaguely registered- he decided he had to retreat until he pulled himself together.
"I'm going to get some water," he announced when Alex finished speaking. "You want anything? We don't have anything alcoholic, but otherwise we're pretty much set."
"No, thanks," Alex said.
"Elliot?" George asked. Elliot shook his head, and leaned forward to talk to Alex more when George left the room.
After walking as fast as he could with seeming suspicious, he leaned against the kitchen sink, trying to steady himself. The dead feeling wasn't good, but it wasn't exactly abnormal for someone in his situation either. Part of it was dissociation, part of it was the fact that he was so set on dying that it felt like a foregone conclusion, and thus like he was already dead.
But it was still unsettling. It only added to his feeling that he was falling apart at the seams.
Closing his eyes as he filled a glass of water and drank it, he thought deeply about his situation. It was becoming still clearer that he couldn't continue to live, even if he deserved the pain of living. He just had to find a way to pull it off.
He waited for several minutes, the dead feeling slowly draining away. When it was gone, he steeled himself, breathing deep, slow, even. Then he turned around and started walking to the door, ready to rejoin Alex and Elliot in the living room.
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Darkest Nights