Angel

ANGELBy Morticia

ANGEL

By Morticia

Part 23 - 26

Disclaimers see Part 1

 

CHAKOTAY

I had literally run from the Sickbay to
engineering to purloin a holo-emitter from B'Elanna. I had
expected that it would take some persuading to convince her to
assist but despite her usual irritation at being interrupted from
her beloved engines, she dropped everything to help me. She even
insisted on contributing a good portion of her replicator credits
towards setting the scene that I wanted to create.

I was sick with nerves as I waited for Tom to
return to our quarters. I knew that this was possibly my last
chance to put things right. Tom and I were spiraling away from
each other so quickly due to our mutual misunderstandings that we
would soon reach a point where the gulf between us was too wide
to bridge. I doubted either of us would survive the separation.

I knew that it was a little trite: The
candlelight, the fire, the roses, the soft music, but it was a
way of showing Tom instantly that things had changed. That I had
changed.

Our failure to speak to each other had led us
to this point and I knew that relying on words to resolve the
problem was just asking for more trouble. After I had SHOWN him
how I felt, when our trust and love was restored, then we could
use words to cement the bond.

But I had already made so many mistakes that I
couldn't trust my judgement where Tom and I were concerned. I was
torn between hopeful anticipation of Tom's pleasure and the dread
that he would react badly to my attempt to seduce him.

When he entered our quarters and fainted dead
on the spot I was naturally certain that I had tragically erred
yet again.

I think I aged another ten years in those few
seconds as I slapped his cheeks frantically until Tom's eyes
fluttered open again.

"Tom, Tom, are you okay?" I yelled in
panic

But he just gazed at me blankly. I was at the
point of transporting him to sickbay for the Doctor's assistance
when he finally spoke

"I'm fine, Chakotay. I was just
...surprised!"

"Are you sure, babe? You look really
pale." I queried contritely.

He truly did look like he'd seen a ghost and
maybe in a way he had. With this setting I had transported him
back to a time before his accident, when his golden beauty was
reason enough to make people make an effort to seduce him instead
of simply taking him for granted. I should have realised that it
would hurt him so badly to remember what he had lost.

"Just shock." Tom murmured but I
heard the question in his voice.

His blue eyes were huge and bewildered in his
fine-featured face. The flickering candlelight was dancing
through his red-gold hair creating a halo of fire. He was like a
beautiful broken-winged golden eagle and my heart thudded with
mingled sorrow and desire.

"I wanted to surprise you, not scare you
to death" I muttered in an abashed voice. "I thought
you would like it."

"I do!" Tom replied simply as he
gazed in wonder around the room.

I saw tears brimming in his eyes and watched as
they slowly rolled like exclamation marks down his pale cheeks.
At that moment I would have given my life just to see him smile
again. I stole a perfect yellow rose from the vase I had placed
on the mantelpiece and pushed it gently into Tom's soft hair
which I had constantly 'forgotten' to trim until it curled almost
to his shoulders. I adored his hair.

I was ashamed that I had never admitted that to
him. That I had let him think me too busy to care instead of
honestly telling him that I dreamt of wrapping his blond locks
around my fingers and nuzzling into the silky softness as it
spilled over a pillow.

"I'm sorry" I whispered guiltily

"Sorry for what?" He asked

I knew that he was not questioning the fact of
my guilt but simply wanting clarification of exactly which one of
my list of transgressions was weighing so heavily on me that I
would actually apologise.

"For forgetting how precious you are. For
failing to show you just how much I love you. For taking you for
granted. For forgetting that the simple things like romance are
so important. For being a middle aged fool."

As my words spilled over him, Tom's brow
furrowed deeply and his eyes darted fearfully around the room as
though to look for escape. I braced myself for his angry response
of reproach and condemnation but when he finally spoke it was in
a dazed whisper that I don't even think he meant to speak aloud

"Please don't let this be a dream"

I groaned as though gut-shot as my heart
shattered into a million pieces at his pathetic words. How had I
let myself hurt him so badly? Why had I pushed him away for so
long when it was suddenly so obvious that all he had ever wanted
was to be loved by me?

"Tom, please tell me you still love me.
Tell me it's not too late" I begged and I was humbled by his
soft reply

"When the galaxy ends, when all life is
extinguished and not even an atom remains, my love for you will
still be alive, Chakotay. You are everything to me. You are the
only reason I live and breathe. I love you."

I couldn't bear to hear the poetic honesty of
his heartfelt words. I felt grief and t rit ripping me apart. I
wanted to howl my desolation. Then Tom spoke again and this time
his words were bitter

"But sometimes I don't like you very
much."

Oddly that complaint saved me, saved us.
Somehow the thought that Tom would simply accept my recent
behavior towards him with unwavering love like the blind
adoration of a beaten puppy was repellant to me. It devalued him
and made me loathe myself. His honest complaint, and the very
fact that he had uttered it, was like a flash of hope.

His spark of spirit comforted me. I could
actually see the possibility of us restoring a true relationship
as equals if we could love and fight and argue like a normal
couple. I laughed at the combination of relief at his courage and
rueful acknowledgement of how justified his feelings were.

"I don't blame you, babe, I don't like
myself sometimes. I hate the way I've been treating you. I have
been so wrapped up in my own misery that I haven't seen things
clearly until now. But I promise you that I've changed. "

Tom did not seem overly convinced. It wasn't
surprising, really. I had already inadvertently broken every
promise I had ever made him.

"So what's different now?" He argued
tearfully

And I knew that it was time to shut up and let
my actions take over. Words were cheap and could not begin the
pay the debt that I owed him.

"I think the easiest way to answer that is
to show you." I said and then proceeded to win the argument
in the most convincing way: with my leisurely worship of his
body.

It was perhaps an hour later, although I could
only judge the passing of time from the stiffness in my knees and
the ache in my jaw, when all of my conflicting emotions suddenly
merged with blinding clarity.

It was at that moment I realised that even if I
could never take our relationship past this physical point, I
would be satisfied with just this act of simply pleasuring Tom.

And with that understanding came freedom.

When Tom had made it clear that he wanted me to
use his body for my own release I had been positive that
Tom’s offer was a subtle bribe. Yet again I had assumed the
worst of Tom’s motives. But as I knelt between his legs, my
own needs submerged by the pride of affecting Tom so profoundly,
I realised that my feelings were exactly the same as Tom had said
his would be under the same circumstances.

That was the moment that I knew for certain
that my earlier preparations had been righteous. I was finally
free to reveal the depths of my own pent up lust.

"Shall we take this to the bedroom?"
I asked and when Tom nodded I gave up all pretence of patience
and ripping him from his chair I carried him to bed.

 

TOM

 

When Chakotay purred I was overwhelmed by his
likeness to a huge cat. A Black Panther perhaps. Sleek and strong
and impossible to escape. The image was reinforced as he ginned
feraly and pounced, tearing off the straps that held me. Then
with a growl he lifted me out of the chair and carried me into
the bedroom.

The bedroom was as much a shock as the living
room had been. Chakotay had removed the hood and all the
equipment from my bio-bed and had spread a plastic sheet over
both beds to make a double mattress.

Perhaps a hundred times Chakotay had undressed
me in that room. Each time he had handled me gently but
impersonally. This time the process of stripping my clothing was
an act of foreplay, almost violent in its intensity.

He used his teeth as well as his hato
to
remove the top of my uniform. Each newly exposed part of my skin
was thoroughly bathed by his tongue before the next was revealed.
He stopped to nip and suck my nipples to stark arousal before
nosing down to my navel where his tongue poked and prodded into
the shallow hole.

Then he nibbled his way down my pubic hair
until he undid the waistband of my pants with his teeth. With
torturous slowness he used his hands to ease them down my legs as
his busy tongue followed.

I could only gasp as the air chilled my wet
skin and fire exploded in my brain. From one moment to the next I
didn’t know whether to expect a kiss, a lick or a bite.

When my pants were bunched around my ankles,
Chakotay had no choice but to move backwards to remove my boots
and socks. As each foot was exposed he gave it a long sensuous
lick from heel to top, then paused to suck and nibble each one of
my toes before easing my pants over and discarding them on the
floor.

Finally naked I lay helplessly and watched him
quickly strip himself. I gulped with desire at his bronze muscled
perfection as though I had never seen it before. As he eased his
pants down I saw the bulge in his briefs and held my breath in
prayer as I waited for his proud cock to emerge in a hungry quest
for satisfaction.

But Chakotay didn’t remove that last
article of clothing. He instead walked to the bedside table and
collected a bottle of massage oil and started to open it. The
unexpected rejection hit me like a sledgehammer.

"I want you to fuck me, Chakotay, If you
aren’t going to do it, stop fucking about with my
head!" I screamed with frustration.

"I AM going to fuck you, Tom. I’m
going to come inside you so hard you will think you are
exploding." Chakotay promised softly

I was bewildered by his sincerity despite the
evidence to the contrary.

"Then why have you left your briefs
on" I whispered plaintively and Chakotay gave me a huge
reassuring grin

"Don’t want the distraction, babe. I
want to concentrate on you for a bit longer first."

"Oh" I sighed happily and decided to
relax and enjoy the inevitable.

Rubbing his hands to warm the oil, Chakotay
started at my neck and moved downwards until every muscle of my
front had been kneaded and pummeled by his strong fingers. I had
had regular therapeutic massage sessions with the Doctor ever
since my accident, but believe me, none of them had been remotely
like this. Chakotay applied the oil so liberally that I could
feel it trickling down my sides and the inside of my thighs. He
was soon as shiny as I was, the oil a dark stain on his straining
briefs.

"How does it feel, baby" he whispered
as he ran a slick hand along my cock and delved around my balls.

"Oh, wow, Chakotay. I can feel it all.
Really feel everything you are doing to me and it’s too
fantastic to put into words" I gasped breathlessly

"Do you want me to carry on or shall I
turn you over and do your back now?"

"Please." I choked and after a
moment’s indecision at the incoherence of my reply he gently
rolled me onto my front, carefully made sure that my head was
turned to the side so as not to restrict my breathing and he
started again from my shoulders downwards.

I could feel his strong thumbs digging into the
knots of my back and then working downwards until skipping my
buttocks, and ignoring my yelp of protest at the omission, he
continued down my legs to the very tip of my toes. Ruefully I
realised that my oily front was so stuck to the plastic sheet
that I would have struggled to move even if I weren’t
paralyzed. The thought made me snicker softly.

"You okay, babe?" Chakotay asked

"Yeah, except isn’t it time you paid
some attention to my butt?" I moaned

"Spirits, Tom, I would have thought
you’d learnt patience by now." Chakotay laughed but
obeyed anyway. I felt him raise my hips and slide a thick towel
under my groin to support me. Gently, Chakotay opened my legs
until he could climb between them and I felt his hands grasp my
butt cheeks and massage firmly.

"Oh, yes, that’s better" I
breathed in encouragement as I felt his thumbs tease open the
cleft of my buttocks.

"Really? What about this?" Chakotay
laughed

"Arghhh" was the only comment I could
manage as I was surprised by the hot wet thrust of his tongue
sweeping around the rim of my hole before thrusting inwards.
Unhampered by my loose ass muscles, I felt myself penetrated two
or three inches by his hot flesh and although the feeling could
not inspire my cock to action it certainly found a positive
response in my brain.

"Oh god, Chakotay. Fuck me now. Stop
pissing about." I howled but if Chakotay replied it was lost
in licks and slurps as he continued to rim my asshole.

I was weeping with frustration by the time he
lifted his head and replaced his tongue with a thick finger. I
felt him explore gently and I think we were both surprised by my
reaction to him scraping my prostate. If the walls had been any
thinner the entire Security team would have beamed in at the
sound of my scream.

"Can you really feel that?" Chakotay
asked in wonder, "Does it really make you feel that
good?"

"Oh God, Chakotay, it’s just the same
as ever, only better … except I can’t move! In fact
maybe that’s why it’s better. I can’t squirm or
avoid the feeling I just experience it!" I replied, equally
bewildered.

I had honestly only expected a vague sensation.
I was so dead inside that it seemed impossible for me to have
such an intense reaction to the stimulation of my prostate. In
fact the Doctor had deemed it impossible although he had never
volunteered to test his theory.

God bless the Bregren!

I could feel Chakotay quivering with excited
need as he hesitated uncertainly.

"Just DO it!" I yelled and he threw
away his last doubts, ripped his sodden briefs off and after
rubbing his slick fingers down his shaft he slowly entered me.

His cock slid deep inside me, its thickness
stretching and filling me until I felt Chakotay’s balls slap
against my own.

"Oh yessssss" I sighed

"Spirits, Tom, you feel so good around
me" Chakotay gasped "I could stay here forever!"

"Okay" I sniggered suggestively
"But why don’t you make your stay more
interesting?"

Triggered by my words he began to move back and
forth, slowly at first then gaining momentum in time to my gasps
of pleasure.

"Harder, Chak, please."

For a moment I thought I’d blown it
because he froze, but before I had a chance to speak again, he
pulled almost completely out and then rammed back in with his
full body weight.

"AHHHHHHHH!" I screamed
"YESSSSSSSS"

Encouraged by my enthusiasm he let rip
completely. Over and over he pounded into me, each thrust jerking
my body like a ragdoll, the tip of his cock bashing against my
prostrate each time to force another scream of ecstasy from my
raw throat.

Then I felt him pull back and pause for a
moment. My mouth quivered in anticipation as he waited then with
a howl he slammed back in for the last time and I felt my insides
filling with his hot semen as he pumped himself empty.

"I love you, Tom" he screamed and
collapsed on top of me in a dead faint.

I lay there as his cock softened inside me,
aware of his deep unconscious breaths, considering how lucky I
was that the artificial lungs could cope despite being crushed
under a dead weight and wondering how to explain this all to the
Doctor if I called a medical emergency.

My sniggers woke Chakotay and he rolled onto
his side and pulled me into his arms spoon fashion. I could feel
his perspiration trickling down my back and his semen spilling
down my thighs as his strong arms hugged me fiercly and his mouth
nuzzled the wet hair around my neck.

"Thank you" hesperspered into my ear
and promptly fell asleep. Snuggled tightly in his loving embrace
I joined him in his dreams.

It was not until several hours later that I
woke in panic. I could still hear his steady snoring and feel his
warm caress. What I couldn’t feel was the re lre left side
of my body where my weight had rested like stone for hours.

 

CHAKOTAY

As I sat in Sickbay, watching the Doctor treat
Tom, I could feel the weight of unbearable guilt crushing me. I
could barely think through the pounding headache that had begun
to descend from the moment Tom’s panicked voice had woken
me.

I had thrown a robe around myself and wrapping
Tom in a blanket had transported us both directly to sickbay. The
Doctor had shed hed Tom’s body from my arms as soon as he
was activated and had ordered me to stay the hell out of his way.


So I had simply sunk onto an empty bed and
stress and self-reproach had coalesced into needles of sharp pain
in my temples and the back of my eyes.

I did not have the nerve to interrupt the
Doctor to ask for a painkiller, I knew the pain I was suffering
was well deserved.

I had nearly killed him.

Tom’s life had nearly been extinhed hed by
my carelessness.

I had forgotten to activate the bio-bed and had
selfishly fallen asleep; my own desire so sated that I had given
no consideration to his safety.

My negligence had nearly cost Tom his life.

 

TOM

As the Doctor ran his dermal regenerator over
my numb skin, repairing the damage that had been caused by my
failure to remind Chakotay about the necessity of re-attaching me
to the bio-bed, I worried endlessly about Chakotay’s
reaction to the accident.

I knew that he would blame himself, that the
culmination of our relationship into mutual need and
understanding now was balancing precariously at the edge of a
huge pit of despair and recrimination. Unless Chakotay was
quickly reassured that I was alright he might never dare to touch
me again.

"Please, Doctor" I whispered,
"Tell him it wasn’t his fault, that I’ll be
fine"

 

THE DOCTOR

I was startled and rather angry at Tom’s
words. Didn’t he realise how serious his condition had been?

"You will be alright because I had the
foresight to anticipate a problem with the bio-bed’s
mechanism and have the cure ready. I did not anticipate that you
would both be irresponsible and stupid enough to turn the damned
thing off!"

I sniffed derisively although, truthfully, my
anger at the threat to Tom’s health was greatly tempered by
relief that Chakotay and Tom had evidently made up their
differences.

My medical tricorder had gleefully reported a
copious amount of semen inside Tom’s ass and I didn’t
need to consult a medical text to understand the implications of
that.

I glowered over at the subdued First Officer,
taking in his disheveled appearance and his haunted, pain-filled
face. My annoyance faded as I saw the Coder&der’s evident
distress and I knew that Tom was right. There was no point in my
treating Tom’s physical wounds without healing the
couple’s psychological ones.

"Commander" I called out softly and I
saw the big man jump a little at the sound of my voice and he
pressed his fingers to his temples before turning his haggard
visage to blink at me with dull unfocused eyes.

Recognizing the symptoms of stress and, if I
wasn’t mistaken, a blinding migraine, I quickly filled a
hypo with a light painkiller and administered it to
Chakotay’s neck.

"I’m so sorry" Chakotay mumbled
"I could have killed him"

Although I knew that Chakotay was right, there
was nothing to be gained by my allowing the Commander to wallow
in self-recrimination and far too much for Tom to lose.

"Don’t be ridiculous" I snapped
impatiently "Tom just had the equivalent of pins and
needles. " I lied smoothly

"Then…Then Tom is…is okay?"
Chakotay begged with pathetic hope

"Of course he is, though I suggest that
from now on you curtail your evening’s entertainment while
you still have the energy to remember that Tom MUST be put back
into the bio-bed."

Seeing the look of intense shame that flooded
Chakotay’s face, I continued in a waspish voice that I hoped
would convince the guilt-ridden Commander that he had
over-reacted to Tom’s condition.

"If I have to be activated every time you
pair of drama queens stub a toe nail, Voyager will need a new
power sourcekeepkeep me on line."

Chakotay gave me a sheepish smile and then
invigorated by relief he leapt past me with a surge of renewed
energy and ran to Tom’s side.

"Hi, babe" He whispered to Tom whose
blue eyes were now calm and pain-free. "How are you feeling,
Hon?"

Tom had obviously overheard my lies and had no
intention of letting Chakotay realise just how serious the
situation had really been.

"Embarrassed, I guess. I’m sorry I
panicked Chakotay. I must have worried the hell out of you.
I’m sorry."

"That’s okay, babe, I’m just
glad you’re okay."

"I’m more than okay, Chakotay. Last
night was the best experience of my life." Tom stated firmly
"I couldn’t bear the thought that it wouldn’t be
repeated."

"Oh, babe, now I’ve found you I
won’t ever let you go again,&q Cha Chakotay promised "I
couldn’t keep my hands off you if I tried."

"Thank god for that" Tom laughed
"But maybe we should take the Doctor’s advice about the
bio-bed."

I was glad that Tom realised that despite my
efforts to help them both, I would not let their relationship
continue if I had any doubts about Tom’s future safety.

"Yes, Tom, you’re right of
course." Chakotay said, "I think we should get an alarm
fixed up that goes off if you are disconnected for more than an
hour. That way this can’t happen again."

I nodded my approval of Chakotay’s plan
and then pretended not to hear Tom’s petulant reply

"An hour? What’s the use of an hour?
If you don’t fuck me for at least two hours every single
night I will divorce you!"

Chakotay grinned in response to Tom’s
comment

"You can’t divorce me, Tom, we
aren’t married." He joked back

"Well can’t blame a boy for
trying." Tom muttered

We were both completely stunned by
Chakotay’s next words:

"Of course, after we ARE married I will
expect two hours of sex TWICE a day."

"After???"

"You mean you don’t want to marry
me?"

"I ….I…..I……"

"Okay, perhaps I need to put it the right
way." Chakotay smiled "Thomas Eugene Paris you are my
life and soul, I cannot live without you. Will you marry
me?"

Tears poured from Tom’s eyes as he choked
on Chakotay’s words

"Oh God, I love you!" he sobbed

"Is that a yes?"

"YES!"

"Then I’ll just nip off and have a
word with the Captain."

I cleared my throat, amazed at my own reaction
to Chakotay’s proposal. I had never realised that tears were
part of my sub-routine.

"May I be the first to congratulate you
both." I said with a hitch in my voice and Chakotay firmly
grasped me by the hand and shook it violently.

I had never seen such a blinding smile on the
First Officer’s face. I was so happy for him, and for Tom of
course, but I had a niggling feeling that the Captain would not
be so supportive of their decision.

 

KATHRYN

I struggled to keep my temper in check, I knew
that responding to Chakotay’s anger would only make it
harder to get my point across.

"I didn’t say that Tom didn’t
love you" I stressed, "I said that it is still too soon
for either of you to make such an immense commitment to each
other. You yourself have admitted that last night was the first
time that you managed to consummate your relationship in over a
year."

"I made my commitment to Tom the day he
woke from his coma. When YOU were ready to just let him
die!" Chakotay snarled at me with such untypical spite that
I knew I was right in my belief that Tom and Chakotay’s
relationship was built on too much emotion to have any permanent
foundations.

"Exactly, you made your commitment to Tom
after his injury. That’s understandable and honorable but
hardly the sign of true love, is it? If Tom meant so much to you,
why did it take him being paralyzed before you admitted it?"
I queried with just a little spite of my own and Chakotay
blanched guiltily at my question.

"What you are feeling isn’t love,
Chakotay, it’s pity and some misguided sense of obligation.
Don’t misunderstand me, I think the way you have managed to
get Tom to face up to his new life is wonderful but you are
making a mistake in taking it further. Tom is crippled, that
can’t be helped, but if you stay with him he will handicap
you too."

Chakotay looked at me as if I had grown horns.
I knew my words were cruel but I felt they were necessaryhakohakotay had visibly aged over the last year. Tom’s illness
had drawn the vitality out of him. Chakotay barely resembled the
daring Maquis hero who had so besotted me once and I was
unreasonably angry with Tom at his unwitting desecration of my
proud First Officer.

Like a vampire Tom had kept himself alive on
Chakotay’s lifeblood and I had selfishly let the situation
continue because SOMEONE had to look after the pilot and there
were no other volunteers for the job.

Oh god, the thoughts sounded evil even in my
own head, there was no way of expressing my fears for Chakotay
without sounding as though I wished Tom had not survived his
accident.

It wasn’t true.

I had always had a soft spot for the reckless
young pilot and I had been proud to discover new depths of
courage and fortitude in Tom during the last year. Even so, I
could barely hide my own disquiet at sharing the bridge with him.

I was the Captain of Voyager. I was responsible
for each and every one of her crew. How much longer could I risk
their lives in trying to make Tom feel useful? How could I let my
own First Officer throw his life away on such a hopeless cause?

I couldn’t run a Starship with a First
Officer who was married to a cripple. If we came under fire
Chakotay would inevitably be too distracted by the need to ensure
Tom’s safety to do his duty properly. As it had been so
succinctly put by one of my predecessors, the needs of the many
outweighed the needs of the few, or the one. Even if the one was
Tom Paris.

As though he could see my thoughts, Chakotay
glared at me coldly

"You misunderstood me, Captain. I was not
asking for your permission to marry Tom. Our personal life is the
one matter in which even YOU cannot interfere. I was merely
asking that you perform the ceremony for us." He said with
stiff pride

Looking at the dangerous glint in
Chakotay’s eyes, I realised that it was time to back off a
little. A battle often needed to be won with tact and compromise
instead of phaser-fire.

"I am not saying that I object to the
marriage" I lied "I am just concerned about the speed
of your decision. Don’t you think it would be better to wait
a little?"

"I’m not going to change my mind,
Captain." Chakotay snapped rudely.

 

"I’m not suggesting that you should,
Chakotay, but it is usual in these situations to have a waiting
period, an engagement. I am asking you to set a date for the
wedding in say, three months, and if you are both still sure that
your decision is permanent then I would be proud to conduct the
ceremony." I said smoothly.

"Tom won’t understand the
delay." Chakotay argued

"Of course he will. We have so few
supplies at the moment and our energy reserves are low. I am sure
that everyone will want to attend your wedding and you can hardly
serve leola root stew at the reception. Besides, I am sure Tom
will want a proper ceremony and it will take time for you to
arrange it."

"Yes" Chakotay sighed, his anger
forgotten, "You’re right Kathryn, I want our wedding to
be the most wonderful day ever for Tom, he has so little else to
look forward to. An engagement is a wonderful idea. The
anticipation will make the result even more enjoyable for
him."

"I’m glad you understand,
Chakotay"

"I’m sorry I misjudged you,
Kathryn" Chakotay apologized.

He was ashamed of his over reaction to the
Captain’s comments. She was right, of course, and his
rudeness had been unforgivable.

"I am only concerned because I care for
you, Chakotay. I am not sure that you are making the right
decision but I agree that it is yours alone to make and I will
support you fully if you decide to go ahead with the wedding.
…As long as you wait a few months"

"You win, Captain" Chakotay grinned,
his face creasing into the dimples that I had seen so rarely
since Tom’s accident.

I remember being pleased with myself for buying
time. Time for both Tom and Chakotay to realise that they were
making a mistake. I was so sure that it was the right thing to
do. For them, as well as the rest of Voyager’s crew.

That’s all I can say in my defense –
my intention was good.

It is in such small ways that all huge
disasters start. An earthquake begins with the smallest quiver. A
tidal wave starts as a ripple on an otherwise calm ocean. The
kicking of a single pebble starts an avalanche.

If I had not interfered Chakotay and Tom would
have been married.

That would have changed everything.

None of the tragic events that unfolded from
that point on would have happened if their wedding had already
taken place.

If I hadn’t been pretending to look for
supplies for the wedding reception, we wouldn’t have met the
V’rakn&#hal hal and Tom wouldn’t have been able to walk
up the aisle to his own wedding.

If the red alert hadn’t interrupted the
ceremony, surely Chakotay would have felt bound by his vows to
Tom.

And if Tom had still been crippled, I know
Chakotay wouldn’t have left him.

So it’s all my fault. I have to live with
that.

And all that I can say is – I meant well.

 

HARRY

"It's perfect, Haz" Tom said, his
blue eyes sparkling and his white cheeks flushed with excitement,
"I couldn't imagine anything more appropriate."

I looked at him in concern. We had spent our
whole two-day shoreleave on this planet going from one jeweler to
another to find the 'perfect' ring. Tom's face was drawn and pale
with tiredness. He simply would not settle for anything that he
had seen before now. They were too big, too small, too gold, too
pale, too plain, too intricate or too expensive. Anyone would
think that his life depended on the decision.

Perhaps it did in a way. I hadn't seen him so
happy and animated since the accident. Chakotay's proposal two
weeks ago had invigorated him. I wasn't alone in my doubts about
Chakotay's reasons for the proposal. Sue and I had talked long
into numerous nights discussing our mutual concerns. But Tom was
my best friend and he was happy, and that was all that mattered.

Which was why I was so concerned at his choice.
It would break his heart if he couldn't afford to buy it.

I agreed that it was oddly appropriate. The
craftsmanship of the ring was indisputable and the beautifully
carved features of a remarkably wolf-like creature's head were
raised above the band to display eyes set with tiny fiery stones.
It was so Chakotay that I agreed with Tom that it was
"perfect" but I also expected that the cost would be
beyond anything that he could afford.

Tom had very little in the way of 'money'. When
we had been invited down to the surface of Yndoria to trade and
the Captain had decided that it was a safe place for shoreleave,
she had quickly arranged as normal for the crew to convert
replicator rations into local currency.

Tom's payoff was not very substantial. It
wasn't his fault; it wasn't as if he spent any of his rations on
luxuries. But he had such a high dependency on replicated items,
just to survive day to day, that in over a year he had only
managed to squirrel away the smallest amount of credits.

Enough for a small gold wedding band perhaps,
but not the beautiful piece in the window.

Fortunately the shop entrance was up a curved
staircase into a narrow door. It would be virtually impossible
for Tom to enter.

"I'll go in and check the price, shall
I?" I said cheerfully, "You may as well wait
here."

Tom flashed me a concerned look, and his Adam's
apple jumped nervously as he read the doubt in my voice.

"Do you think the gems are real?" He
whispered "I thought they would just be semi-precious
stones. Do you think it's really expensive?" and suddenly
the disappointment in his voice broke my heart.

Abruptly I made a decision to help him out. I
had been saving for months to be able to buy Sue an engagement
ring. That was why I had accompanied Tom on his quest, or at
least one of the reasons. It was possible that if we combined our
money we would just about have enough.

But I didn't want him to know. He had such
fierce pride that I knew he would refuse. He already had to
depend on other people for more than he could bear. I suspected
that he would be offended by my gesture, would mistakenly see it
as charity.

The truth was that I would have given Tom the
shirt off my back ever since the first day we met at DS9.

Quite simply, I loved him.

"Nah, no-one uses expensive stones in a
piece that unusual. It's not the kind of ring that just anyone
would buy. It's just a dress ring." I lied glibly.
"I'll just go and check. Will you be alright here on your
own?"

"Sure, Haz" Tom said, his voice
subdued, He was obviously unconvinced by my assurances.

I hesitated a moment, unwilling to leave Tom
alone. The Y'ndorians were a civilized people but they were
obviously horrified by Tom's disabilities. They had been too
polite to stare at him. They had, however, tended to conduct all
conversations with me, constantly talking over the top of Tom's
head as though he was unable to hear or understand. As though his
mind was as damaged as his body. I did not believe that anyone
would hurt Tom but I doubted anyone would rush to help him
either.

"I'll leave your Comm. Badge open, Tom.
Any problems at all, tell Voyager to beam you straight up."
I ordered and Tom blinked his acceptance of my precautions even
as he flushed a little at his own helplessness.

If I could have given him my own legs at that
moment, I would have. But perhaps I could at least get him his
ring.

I ascended the rickety staircase and entered
into the surprising gloom of the shop. A bright eyed Y'ndorian
shuffled out of the back and grinned at me with sharp rodent
teeth. The Y'ndorians were very like Neelix in appearance except
they were thin faced and rat-like in countenance. I saw the
shopkeeper's whiskers twitching in excitement at the presence of
an off-worlder. His thin fingers were rubbing themselves in
anticipation and my heart sank.

I tried to be casual but I know that I look
like an easy mark, and the shopkeeper was not fooled for an
instant.

"There's a ring in your window. A
dress-piece. An animal's head with red eyes. I just wondered if I
could take a closer look."

"Oh it's an exquisite piece. A real work
of art. Made as a special order for someone. That's why it's not
priced. It's reserved."

"So why is it in your window?" I
snapped, and then sighed as I realised how much I was giving away
my desperation

"Well...for the right price I might be
persuaded to make my customer wait for a replacement. But I would
be risking his displeasure. You would have to pay me enough to
make it worth my while." The Y'ndorian smirked as he
retrieved the ring from it's display.

I was tempted to tell him to stuff the bloody
thing up his ass, but I saw Tom's motionless figure through the
window, patiently waiting for me on the street below and I
swallowed my bitter pride and simply murmured "How much is
enough?"

"50 yarrans"

My jaw hit the floor. Even pooling my money
with Tom's I barely had 15. "How much?" I squeaked.

"The stones are bzentlar crystals, true
psychic mood stones. They change color with the emotions of the
wearer. See..." He slipped the ring over his thumb, since it
was too wide for his skinny fingers and the red eyes changed to
blue fire

"What does that mean?" I asked
curiously

"Happiness" The shopkeeper replied
smugly "How could I be anything but happy when I own such an
exquisite treasure?"

The eyes of the 'wolf' glowed with the same
beauty as Tom's eyes and I was filled with despair. Forgetting
all rules of bartering I whispered sadly "I only have
15"

"Fifteen? You insult me, 30 or
nothing!" The Y'ndorian screeched in outrage. "Here,
try it on."

He thrust the ring over my own middle finger
and I felt its substantial weight and an instant warm glow on my
skin. The blue eyes flashed and changed color again. To dull
black.

The shopkeeper took a violent step back, his
mouth gaping in horror. "Oh, no" he said "That's
bad, that's very bad..." he muttered and his eyes pierced my
face with sudden concern

"Black is the color of total despair. Why
are you so sad?" and the genuine interest in his voice was
unmistakable.

Believe it or not, I began to cry.

"There, there" The Y'ndorian soothed
nervously, "It's just a ring, I have lots of other pretty
things..."

"Nothing else will do" I whispered,
"Nothing else will make him happy."

"Who? Make who happy?" The Y'ndorian
queried, his whiskers twitching in obvious concern. He was
probably mortified at the thought of people seeing an off-worlder
leave his shop in tears, I thought angrily; he was probably
worried it would be bad for his business.

"Tom" and I nodded out the window.
The Shopkeeper stared at Tom's motionless form, at the ugly brace
around his head and the straps that cris-crossed his thin body,
at the chair that imprisoned his useless legs.

"The broken one" The Y'ndorian
whispered, "I heard the rumor from my brother but I didn't
believe it. It seemed so cruel that anyone would force a person
to live with such injuries, with no hope."

"You're wrong." I yelled furiously
"He does have hope. He's getting married to the person he
loves more than his own life."

"Married? Him? Who would marry such a
broken man? Do you have another like him then?" The
shopkeeper queried in astonishment. I knew he was not being
deliberately cruel. He simply could not imagine anyone still
loving Tom.

"He is marrying the First Officer of our
ship." I replied proudly and "Chakotay will be honored
by the marriage. Tom only deserves the best. Tom is a better man
than anyone I have ever met, even if he is 'broken'." I
snarled in angry defense of my friend.

The little Y'ndorian blinked softly at my
passionate words.

"Indeed, he must be very special to
inspire such loyalty in you." He replied gently and I
suddenly wondered how on earth he had ever reminded me of a rat.
I had not seen such a wise gentle look on a face since I was a
tiny boy on my grandfather's lap.

"The ring is for him then? For
'Tom'?"

"It's for Tom's wedding gift to
Chakotay."

"Then take it." The Y'ndorian stated
firmly and closed my hand tightly over the ring.

"But - but, I only have 15 yarrans" I
stuttered in confusion

"Keep them and keep the ring. It is a
gift."

"I d-don't know what to say. Thank
you!"

"No, thank you, off-worlder, for reminding
me that there are still some things more important than Yarrans.
" The shopkeeper chuckled "But don't you dare tell
anyone. Humph. Indeed not. Bad for business." And with a
last chuckle he disappeared back into the bowels of his shop,
leaving me standing there in amazement.

It took me a few minutes to compose myself
enough to leave.

I found Tom where I had left him. His eyes were
glazed with fresh tears and on his lap were a number of coins.

"Tom?" I queried and he looked at me
and bravely tried to smile.

"Hi, Haz. Get me out of here.
Please."

"What's happened, Tom? Where did this
money come from?"

Tom laughed bitterly. " A passer by, Haz.
He thought I was a beggar. He threw me money."

"I'm sure he thought he was being kind,
Tom." I soothed

"Fuck him, fuck his charity." Tom
snapped, his eyes wide with hurt, then in an abrupt mood change
he laughed softly "Of course, I told him off!"

"What did you say?"

"I told him I was worth twice that
much!" Tom grinned cockily and I met his eyes and then we
both laughed.

"Any luck with the ring?" He asked me
and I knew without doubt that there was no way I could tell him
of the Y'ndorian's kindness.

"You were right, Tom. It's just a gimmick
ring. The stones change color with your mood. It wasn't
expensive."

"Did you buy it for me?" Tom asked
hopefully

"Yes. Do you want to look at it?"

"No, not now. I'm tired. I just want to go
home."

"Okay, Tom."

"Haz?"

"Yes, Tom?"

"Thank you" he sighed softly,
happily, and then closed his eyes and was asleep before we
materialised back on Voyager.

I left him with Chakotay and took the ring to
hide in my room. Then I converted the 15 Yarrans back into
credits and transferred the whole amount to the ever-growing Tom
& Chakotay wedding fund that B'Elanna and Seven were
organizing.

Sue would just have to wait for her ring.

It was several hours later that I had a summons
to the Captain's ready room. I pulled on my uniform in a hurry
and arrived there out of breath and a little nervous. When I was
invited in I saw that the Captain had visitors, two Y'ndorians.
One was the shopkeeper.

Suddenly I wondered whether I had mistaken his
offer. Perhaps I was going to be arrested for theft. I was
terrified.

"I believe you visited Mr. K'plnk's shop
today, Mr. Kim."

"Yes, Ma'am." I stuttered nervously

"It appears that your evident concern for
Tom has impressed the Y'ndorians greatly. Mr. K'plnk is the
brother of the Y'ndorian High Commissioner. This is High
Commissioner P'lsnt" The Captain said, struggling slightly
with the pronunciation.

"I'm honored to meet you, Sir" I
managed although my mind was racing with questions.

"It seems that the Y'ndorians have trade
relations with a race known as the V'rakn'hal. It appears this
race have superior medical technology and Commissioner P'lsnt is
sure that these V'rakn'hal will be able to help Tom."

For a moment hope raced through me and then
reality struck home.

"With respect, Captain, we've had offers
of help on dozens of occasions. It hardly seems fair to Tom to
keep dangling hope in front of him only to snatch it away. The
Doctor says that even if we get home now it will be too late.
Tom's spinal cord is dead."

"I know all that, Harry. But this time
it's different. High Commissioner P'lsnt says that one of their
patrol ships encountered the Hirogens. By the time they rescued
the ship all but one of the crew were dead. The survivor had had
his spine almost completely removed from his body as a trophy but
by a miracle he was still alive. The V'rakn'hal managed to cure
him and today he is walking."

The implications of the Captain's words hit me
like a photon torpedo. There actually was a chance then. By god,
the V'rakn'hal might actually hold the key to Tom's cure.

"Where are they, Captain?"

"They are approximately 4 days away at
warp 6. High Commissioner P'lsnt has already given the directions
to Seven and she is working out a course. I want you to keep the
information to yourself for now. I am not even going to tell Tom
or Chakotay until I have had a chance to talk to the V'rakn'hal
directly. However, I thought you should get a chance to thank Mr.
K'plnk for his help and I wanted you to know that it was your
meeting with him that gave Tom this chance."

"Thank you Captain, and thank you, Sir,
for your help and generosity." I said to K'plnk, my voice
choked with emotion.

The little Y'ndorian, blinked at me kindly
"I always seem to make you cry Harry Kim" he smiled
"Bless you for your precious heart. I pray that your friend
is cured."

"Thank you, Sir. I'm praying too."

I wandered back to my quarters in a daze. I was
still crying when Sue came back from her shift.

"Harry, what is it? What's the
matter?" She asked, sitting down beside me and grabbing my
hands in her own.

"Nothing, Sue. Nothing's the matter.
Everything is wonderful," I replied, hugging her fiercely.

Sue looked into my eyes in obvious confusion
but whatever she saw there must have satisfied her because she
just snuggled up into my lap and nuzzled my neck.

Everything would be fine now, I thought.

I was wrong as usual.

 

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to Part 27