Through the Looking Glass

Chapter 6: Storm’s Wake

“Where misunderstanding serves others as an advantage, one is helpless to make oneself understood.”
-Lionel Trilling, critic, author, and teacher, Ancient Earth.

Curled up once more under her bed, Beka listened guiltily as her brother and father once again warred with each other. Their loud, heated voices filled the Maru as they shouted at each other non-stop. The debate this time was Beka herself.

Choking back a sob, silent tears fell into the hair of her clarinthian angel doll that she clutched tightly to her chest.
It was her fault. Her fault they were fighting, just like it had to be her fault mom left, and it was her fault dad started Flash. It had to be.
It was always her fault. Why couldn’t she do anything right? She always had to go and mess everything up.

Beka ran a hand roughly through her blue hair and held it tight. It had been a month and a half since Avilan. A month and a half since her entire life started to change. She could still remember her father pulling her along through the trees, past buildings, ducking to avoid Nietzscheans, until they had finally reached the Maru. Rafe had held onto her as Ignatius had gotten them the hell out of there and into slipstream. Once they were out in normal space and on autopilot, Beka had been smothered by both her dad and brother, they clung to her like she’d disappear. All her reassurances that she was fine and okay fell on deaf ears. She didn’t know what to do.
When she had finally gotten them to let her go shower on her own she could hear Rafe start in on dad. Ignatius shot right back that he had left Rafe to take care of her and that they would do this later, Beka didn’t need them fighting…

Turning on the shower, she let the hot water splay across her back as the minor injuries washed clean and the dried sweat left her skin. Memories of what had happened still played through her mind. Thoughts of what her brother and father thought happened to her floated through as well.

What was she going to tell them?

Should she just let them believe she was raped and refuse to talk about it?
Or should she admit that she had wanted it. Beka laughed dryly. Or she could tell them he was human but knew that would never fly. In the midst of a Nietzschean raid, in the middle of their new stomping ground she had had consensual sex with a Drago-Kazov…hell, even if she did tell them the truth, they’d never believe her anyway.

If she hadn’t been there herself, she might not have believed it.

And she highly doubted that there was anyway Dad or Rafe would just forget about this. If she was lucky, maybe they would deny it ever took place and they’d go back to how they were before.

A knock on the door.

No chance.

She stayed in the shower until the water started running cold. She was always interrupted at fifteen minute intervals when one of them would come check on her, to make sure she didn’t faint or drown herself.
She wanted to stay locked in the bathroom forever as she knew things would be weird once she eventually came out. And it was.

Questions and hovering, they stepped lightly around her.
She didn’t need a doctor, she didn’t want any pills. She didn't want anything.
Even if she did they couldn’t afford it.
She excused herself to bed early that night and she surprised herself by actually falling asleep only to be woken later by another of Rafe and Ignatius’s fights.
Rafe blamed his father and his father blamed him. The entire thing ended with Rafe telling him to go Flash out like he always did when things got hard. Rafe stormed off to his bunk and Ignatius stormed off to his quarters.

Was his Flash habit going to get worse because of her? Would he finally over dose?

Her fault. It was her fault. She felt hot tears fall down her face that night and onto her pillow; was everything going to get worse because of her? She couldn’t take it.
She had to tell him the truth.
Beka sniffed hard and wiped her eyes before she quickly got out of bed and headed through the Maru to the Captain’s quarters. What would daddy do to himself? She was about to open the door when she heard the sound of glass shattering. Her heart increased to a pounding tempo, was he already high and breaking things in anger?
Regardless of her fears Beka opened the door and braced herself for another psychotic episode but instead found something entirely different.

Never in her life had she seen her father cry.

Tears ran down his face as he choked, his right hand alternated between running through his hair and covering his mouth as he stared ahead of him.

Beka followed his gaze at the wall and saw a milky white liquid dripping down the vertical surface to what was once its glass container which lie broken and shattered across the floor where it fell. Ignatius turned and looked at her briefly before he sat down hard on the edge of the bed and put his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking.

Beka felt her own eyes well up again. “Daddy?”

“You know I could have…I could really freak out about this, Flash out and pretend it isn’t happening. I wasn’t…I wasn’t there for you, I wasn’t there and I have to be. From now on I’m going to be. I will, I-I, oh god…” Ignatius bent over further clutching his stomach and head.

“Dad.” Beka looked at him and then the Flash that coated the wall.

He laughed mirthlessly, “Withdrawal was…it was always a bitch…cold turkey, I’ll do it, I’ll quit.”

Beka sat next to him on the bed and rested her head on his shoulder as he rocked and continued, “This is my fault. What happened, it’s all my fault. I, I wasn’t paying attention. Rocket I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m always so sorry…”

“Dad….I wasn’t…”

“It’s going to be different I promise and I know I haven’t been the best at keeping promises lately…”

“I wasn’t ra-“

Ignatius turned to pull Beka into his arms and hug her.

“I love you so much Rebeka, when was the last time I told you that? God I can’t even remember…” Beka’s tears welled over her eyes as she felt her father’s run onto her shoulder. “I got…carried away in my own problems, I just wanted to escape. So caught up with myself that I didn’t notice how much you and your brother needed me. Rafe hates me, he has so much anger. And I wasn’t there…for either of you. I wasn’t there to protect you…”

“It’s my fault…”

“No, no Beka, nothing’s your fault baby, nothing’s your fault.” He smoothed her hair, “We’re going to be fine, everything’s going to be okay.”

“But I—“

“You’re my girl Rocket, you’re my baby girl, blood of my blood…”

It was too much for Beka as she finally broke down and really cried. When was the last time he had held her like this? This was her dad; the one she missed, the one she wanted to come back to her. The one she kept hoping Rafe would someday remember instead of the distant shell he became with the Flash. Both were so lost in their own minds that neither noticed or heard it when Rafe had come out of his bunk and sat listening at the door.

From then on things started to change.

Ignatius’s withdrawal kept getting worse and there were days he couldn’t make it out of bed, doubled-up because the pain was so bad, and then he'd become lucid. He’d tell them he’d get better quicker if he could just have a drop, just one small hit. What was he thinking going cold turkey? Just get him some Flash and he’d slowly wean himself off of it.

He would alternate between screaming for Flash and yelling at them to ignore him and let him suffer. That he deserved the pain. There were times when his heart and pulse rate skyrocketed that Beka thought he was going to go into shock or cardiac arrest.
Beka and Rafe kept the salvage operation going while he fought it out. Her brother was constantly pessimistic that he would give in to the addiction like he always did, but Beka thought she saw a small speck of hope in Rafe’s eyes. He wanted their father back as much as she did. He was just too proud to admit it and so used to disappointment.

Beka wanted to get their father to a doctor, someone who could tell them whether or not he was going to make a clean start at the rate was going or if his body would shut down without the Flash. As it turned out, if Ignatius had kept abusing for a few more months he would have been a completely hopeless case. After seven years of Flash use he was still quite messed up. The only thing that would keep him fighting with any chance of recovery was his own will. Upon hearing that, Rafe had let out a biting ‘well, he’s dead then.’

Three weeks later, they both watched their father come out of his room on his own for breakfast. He was pale with dark circles under his eyes but he was there. Rafe’s spoon had dropped from his hand.
That started the cycle of good and bad days. The pain would subside and Ignatius would be getting back to himself until the addiction would kick in again and continue to its peak. It would be a long road. Beka could only hope he’d make it back to them.

By the time the next bombshell hit, Ignatius was on a good day, still shaky and a little overdrawn, but it was better than the alternating bad days. If it had been a bad day no one probably would have noticed.
And that was why she was now lying as she was under her bunk curled into a ball. The thought should have crossed her mind, but with all that had happened in the last month, everything was all up and down to even think of the consequences of sleeping with a Nietzschean.
The cause of her recent illness had finally been found. The throwing up, the morning sickness, the cravings, and her more than usual roller coaster of emotions had all been pinpointed to a single source.

She was pregnant.

Buying her face into her doll she continued to listen to the tirade playing out down the hall.

“Its father is a Dragan!”

“She’s too far along now to do anything!”

“Like that’s stopped anyone before.”

“It’s not our choice!”

“It’s the obvious choice dad! I can’t believe this is up for debate.”

“Have you even asked your sister what she wants?”

“She’s too young for this. She was raped for Divine’s sake! What are we even considering here?”

“Don’t you think I know that! She’s my baby, my girl, do you have any idea…”

“Yeah I do, I’m her brother, I should have been there! Why’d I leave her alone…”

Beka crept out of her hideout and made her way down the hall still out of sight.

It didn’t happen that way…daddy I tried to tell you what happened…

Beka put a shaking hand against her flat stomach. What did she expect to happen anyway? He was Nietzschean after all. Their sperm was probably genetically enhanced along with the rest of their genes.


“Drago-Kazov dad, I’m surprised she isn’t completely traumatized.”

“I think we should just calm down for a minute.”

“Calm down? Since when huh dad? I think the withdrawal’s affecting your judgment more than the Flash did.”

“Would you just stop!” yelled Beka finally coming into sight. “Just stop.”

“Beka…”

“I know what you think I should do but…” It’s not how you think...

“Beka would you please think about this?” pleaded Rafe.

Beka's mouth opened and closed as she looked at them helplessly before finally, “It’s my baby too…” she said weakly.
How could she tell them now?

“I just…I just don’t know what to think right now,” said Rafe. “This whole thing never should have happened.” Brushing past Beka he was out the door and heading to the engine room to think.

Ignatius leant back against the rail and ran a hand over his face. “This is my fault…”

“Dad it’s not…” Beka closed the gap between her and her father in a few steps only to have him push away from the rail to move closer to her and rub his hands over her arms as if she were the one who needed soothing.

“You don’t need this now baby, you don’t need this stress. It’s not good for you.”

“Daddy I…”

“One day at a time. We’ll take it one day at a time.”

Beka found herself pulled into her father’s arms as he held her tightly like his life depended on it. Putting her arms around him, she hugged back and lost herself in her thoughts as she sighed heavily.
They just kept getting hit with one mischance after another and Beka found herself waiting for the day where something would actually go the way she wanted.

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A/N: Reviews are always appreciated!