Adult-FanFiction.org : Television / Streaming

Home Unknown	By : katecooley Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 15191 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Same junk as before. See part one for all the jargon. Oh, and *rolling eyes* if you�re offended by a fart joke, don�t read. Basically, Strife�s plan works a little too well. And I�m pretty much just making up towns as I go. I think I�ve read the name �Pylos� in other fic, but I�m not getting out the map on this. Just cramming syllables together. I hope no one minds.

And thanks to my faithful reviewers Dru and Layce74()! I only wish I could know if they�re the only ones reading! (Read and review, you little lurker-monkeys!)

Part VI - Sharing the Wealth

This wasn�t the Pylos Joxer remembered.

Oh, sure, it was still a pristine seaport, with jewel-sparkly water lapping at its shores, cheery little market stalls, ruddy, healthy faces that seemed to smile �hello� to everyone and a lordly manor looking over the whole lot. And aside from the polite smiles, there was still the stuffy, uptight manner that every native seemed to bear like a coat of arms. That was the way this place was and the last time Joxer was there, he made sure not to be there for any longer than necessary.

He just didn�t remember the farting. And he was SURE he would have noticed that.

The air was heavy with methane, almost chokingly so, and Strife flicked a finger to keep his new assistant from gagging at the smell. A relieved breath surged through the warrior-cum-mischief-maker, free from anything nastier than the salty sea smell that usually accompanied harbor towns. He was grateful. He only wished Strife would block the sound, too, because the first person that passed him, a rather large and snooty looking older woman, after a terse greeting let fly with a loud, wet honk that should have teared up his eyes. Instead, it made him want to giggle like a maniac and that couldn�t be any good either.

"So, aside from listening to the *ahem* music, what am I doing here?" Joxer had to press his lips together to keep from laughing as a man and his horse passed, in many senses of the word.

"The dude in charge, this Lord Vigorous, he�s a bit of a tight-ass." Strife kept pace with him as they strode through the pungent township, the godling invisible to all but Joxer, who was trying hard to make it look like he wasn�t talking to himself. "One-a those kindsa rulers ya just wanna smack some days. He�s got half the harbor tied up with shippin� embargos an� the other half sacked with dock fees an� unloadin� taxes. It�s gettin� so a guy can�t make an honest dinar around here."

"And Ares cares about this why?"

"Unc�s had his eye on this joint for a while. He thinks it�d make a great strategic ally."

"Well, yeah, with the harbor and all I can definitely see how that would help, but why doesn�t he just�"

"Mow over it with a bunch of Spartans?" a big sheepish smile spread out on Strife�s face. "I, uh, kinda talked him outta that one. Hey. Sometimes, things need a little more finesse than just having a few rows of soldiers bust down the front gate. Besides, this town could be a great place, once Lord Puffy-Pants gets the boot. I smell a town council over the horizon. An� cobbled streets. This could be a major hub-o-commerce. Ransacking would definitely put a cramp in that. An� besides�" that grin got bigger. "Don�t tell Unc I tol� ya, but he�s kinda got a soft spot for this little hamlet. Mosta the merchants an� farmers an� plain folk are retired soldiers. An� those ain�t so easy to come by, y�know."

"So why don�t you just turn Vigorous into a pile of ashes?" Joxer almost groaned as a gaggle of women walked by, pooting up a storm. Though, it had sounded rather musical, like a muffled chorus.

"Finesse, Jox. Finesse. It�d be tons easier, but this is way more fun. By the time I�m done, they�re gonna chuck �im out like yesterday�s fish."

"So, what�s my part in this?" Joxer tried sticking his hands into the back pockets of his pants, but� Strife had done a little �creative redecorating� as he�d put it, banishing not only Joxer�s current tunic and pants, but also the slap-dash armor he�d left in that hidden temple to an eternity in a junk-pile. The helmet had gone to Cerberus, who was grateful for a circular chewtoy that all three heads could get in on, once Strife had made it big enough for all mouths involved to reach. Clothes-free, Joxer had hidden behind a tapestry until Strife could materialize these duds onto him. He probably would have requested a little more room in the pants, but as Strife said, since leather was skin, it should be worn at least that tight. Joxer could see his point, but still had to stop every once in a while to yank the seat and crotch back down. Tight was one thing. Pants set on auto-wedgie were something else entirely.

The God of Mischief�s slim shoulders shrugged slightly, causing several generations of bards to be plagued by pesky alliteration. "Dunno yet. I just �supplemented their diet� when you started prayin� to me, so�"

"Well, what�s the point? What�re you really trying to do here? Just general mayhem or is there a theme?" Strife found the faint glimmer in Joxer�s eyes interesting. A wave of concentration seemed to envelop the mortal, at least in Strife�s eyes. He wished those two dippy broads could see this kind of focus in their �friend�.

"I was kinda tryin� ta go for �civil unrest� with a dash of �inspired mutiny�." Strife folded his arms in front of him as Joxer�s jaw set, and not in the way Ares� did when his was pissed. "A little subtle, but that never killed no-one. Leastways not on my end."

"The food thing was a good start, then. Make them think Vigorous isn�t taking care of them." Joxer copied Strife�s stance and drummed his fingers on his forearm. "Maybe something about safety? He already can�t provide for them, with the �bad� grain, how about he can�t protect them, too?"

"Yeah, that�d work." Strife considered the suggestion, smiling in a way that would frighten livestock. "Get �em all antsy an� wonderin�� I like. I like big." He gave Joxer a friendly back-handed slap to the shoulder.

"Just plant a rumor. Something believable." Joxer pondered for a minute, letting all kinds of trouble float through his mind. "Something that might� eat them?"

Strife yelped happily, bounding a little as he strode. "YES! That would ROCK!"

"Nothing specific. We don�t want to start something nasty. If they think there�s a hydra in the area, they might mobilize to look for it." Joxer observed as they made their way through town. The market stalls looked a little lean, the produce a sickly hue and the meats on offer looked a little lean. He clucked his tongue sadly. "I�m gonna guess the good lord�s table isn�t so bare."

"You should check out the good lord�s caboose." Strife shook his head, leaning into one of the stalls to survey. "It�s like the business end of a hippo."

"Always is, isn�t it?" Joxer had to pause and give his pants seat a firm tug of encouragement. He was going to chafe, no doubt about it. A stray memory found him mid-yank. "Say, isn�t there some kind of festival here every year?"

"Yeah, an� it�s not so far off, either. Some rain-and-prosperity oriented thing. They�ll go all out, which ain�t that far anymore." Strife poked his finger into a mushy apple at the next stall, infusing it with enough energy to re-ripen it and its brethren. A little help never hurt and mushy apples just sucked. And besides, fruit would only add to the digestive torment the townsfolk were experiencing. Might as well be palatable.

"I remember that. It was fun." Joxer cast an eye to the sprawling estate perched on a hill overlooking Pylos Proper. "You think Vigorous participates way up there?"

"You know it. Roast suckling pig, six kinda pudding an� gravy, desserts that�d send me into sugar overload�"

Infused with mischief, and only a scant bit coming from his current assignment, Joxer grinned. It wasn�t nearly as scary as Strife�s signature smirk, but it was enough to make the godling tremble with raw energy. Something about Jox�s zaps was addictive. No wonder Ares was sweet on him.

"Reroute the supplies. Let everyone see what he�s got these days."

***

"One more time."

"He�s a bloody fucking genius." It came out kind of squishy, around a mouthful of frothy whipped cream and flaky pastry, but it was plain enough for her to understand. "Ma, you got no idea�"

"Joxer. The one who runs around with Xena and that screeching nincompoop. That Joxer?" Discord�s eyes narrowed, sure that her son was having fun with her. "Looks like he fell into a kitchen backwards and came out wearing the cookware� Joxer?"

"I�m SO using him again." Another handful of ruined delicacy found its way to his mouth. "It went off without a hitch. Like magic." He licked his hand clean in record time - that cake was huge, or at least it had been before the horse and cart tipped over, aided by some unhappy villagers. He�d dispensed with the dirty parts and whatever had been used to pelt the very deserving potentate. "He saved me weeks of working. All I hadda do was bump up delivery a day or two." He chuckled, remembering the low-boiling chaos he and Joxer had fomented. Once word of missing sheep spread through town, most of the old warriors were getting strung pretty tightly, imagining a hydra or wolf pack running around. And since Lord Vigorous did nothing to quell it (having not been told, though had he been, his concern would have been nearly non-existent), the rumors built quickly. As did unrest and dislike for the local sovereign. Things got tense in short order and when those open ornate carts full of sumptuous food had to take the direct route through town. "You shoulda seen his face. Covered in cake an� gravy, hogtied to a barrel� Priceless."

"And Joxer did this?"

"Yah, well, I did help, y�know." He managed to sound snotty through another mouthful.

"Yeah, yeah." She waved her hand in the air, dismissing her son�s snark. Already her wheels were turning. "And you didn�t, like prompt him or feed him anything?"

"Only background info. You shudda seen it, Ma. It was like a candle flickered on in his head." Strife backhanded cream from his face, smacking his lips. "It was a thing of beauty."

"I bet. You� feel up to lending him out?" The Goddess of Discord was more than a little interested now. She had to see this marvel for herself.

"Yer askin� the wrong fella. He�s Unc�s property. I was just borrowin� him myself." Strife decided the less information about the whole �hidden temple� thing that got passed around, the better. He wasn�t sure how his mother would react to him having that kind of secret from her. "Though, since this went so well, I can�t see why not."

"Hmm�" Discord had to think about this. Asking her twin brother for a favor could be asking for trouble. Or asking for more work in return. Still, a little help wouldn�t hurt. Strife� he�d been her best helper for so long. She could blast Callisto for killing him every day and it wouldn�t be enough to make up for that hollow feeling at Ares� words. Ris, Strife�s dead. Even thinking them, remembering the not-quite-together pitch in her brother�s voice, hurt like new. And if Hades hadn�t gotten tired of chasing Cerberus around the Elysian Fields� a thin shudder traced her spine. No matter. He was back, alive and full of sauce, and that was that. Unfortunately, during his Underworld Getaway, the remaining gods on Olympus learned an important lesson: mischief unchecked was mischief unleashed. Greece had gone a little nutty in his absence, and not in a way he�d appreciated. He really had been the best god for the job and now that he�d gotten every straying wicked mortal impulse back under control, he really didn�t have much in the way of flex-time to lend her a hand. Which brought her thoughts right back around to Joxer. "You think he might be able to help me out with some chores?"

Strife�s black-leather-clad shoulders rose in a single shrug. "Dunno. Ya gotta ask. But, I�ll say this. He�s a natural."

Discord pursed her lips for a second, thinking hard. Her eyes fell back on her son, her Sweet Little Scrap, stuffing his face with sticky and flaky dessert. How was it that this obsidian lair, this veritable monolith of torment that was one of her earthly temples, could be brighter for having him in it? A quick kiss to the top of his head and a ruffle of fingers through his hair heralded her departure. A smile, soft and loved, flirted on his lips briefly before the gorging continued.

***

Joxer checked the note again. Fancy script, letters befitting a professional scribe, decorated the small parchment and told him exactly what to do. Lovely handwriting, actually. Very feminine and pretty. He was eternally grateful that the author wasn�t there right now. She�d probably cuff him one just for thinking it.

He hadn�t been really surprised to see the Goddess of Discord pop in to see him. He�d been heading back after making a quick supply run for Strife, though he didn�t really know what the god was going to do with that many spiders and he wasn�t going to ask, either. He was going to be plenty glad to dump he box in Strife�s little temple and get away before one or more of them decided to break free. Once the package was on the altar and Joxer had given a carefully worded prayer letting Strife know that his �goodies� were all present and accounted for, he�d turned to leave and almost mowed over the godling�s mother, who�d materialized right behind him. He was starting to get used to seeing gods just show up - all that time with Xena and Gabby had prepared him a little bit. But one jumping out of nothing like that� He�d flailed and skittered to avoid running into the diminutive leather-clad goddess and wound up taking out a small table with a clay pot full of dried flowers, the poe-purry (something Cupid had in abundance back at the House of Love� Odd that it would be here, too) spraying up like a geyser. Fortunately for him, a roll of eyes the same color as Strife�s had been the only reaction.

"So you�re the one my son�s been raving about, huh?" she�d been smiling, and though there was a touch of snide smugness tingeing it, there wasn�t any malice. He�d nodded, watching fragrant bits of dried flowers flutter through the air and land on the dark goddess. They had clung to her hair, making her look like a wood nymph gone S&M. They�d also settled in her cleavage, but Joxer hadn�t been up to finding out how bad it hurt to have your face slapped by an immortal that day. He�d kept his eyes on her face and that not-quite-happy-not-quite-mad smile. "Hm. OK. You�ll do."

"Do what?" his voice had been a harsh whisper, the reality of who was in front of him still a shade unsettling.

"I�m going to be stuck out in Polyphystos with Dark and Deadly, so I can�t do this myself. Of course, does he care? No. All he says is �just do it, I don�t want to hear your bitching.� Can you believe it?"

Joxer had shaken his head, concentrating on not laughing at the dead-on Ares impression laid before him. She�d even got his stance right. He�d wondered if she�d be upset if he started braying like a jackass at it. He wondered what Ares would think.

"So, I need to do this thing and my thing and the thing for my oh-so-understanding bro. I�m taxed. I need help." She had waited a beat and read his hesitation easily. "I already checked. It�s cool. Since you did such a great job for Strife, Ares seems to think lending you out, on a limited basis, is a good idea. Something about you being a good example for the House or something. Total public relations coup. So�?"

His large brown eyes rolled. So? So he�d agreed. What else could he do? Not only was an extremely powerful and usually hair-trigger volatile goddess asking him for a favor, but� Ares thought he did a good job. While it would be nice to hear something like that from the god himself, second-hand praise was just as good. He kept checking his feet to see if they still touched the ground. Ares thought he did a good job. Ares thought it was a good idea to let him do some other things� in the name of the House of War. Did that make him a representative? Was he like some goodwill ambassador in Ares� name? He checked his feet again. Nope. Still on the dirt.

Joxer checked the parchment again. It didn�t seem too difficult. All he had to do was bump into someone. Gods and mortals� he could do that one with his eyes closed! Of course, it had to be the right someone, in this case a visiting ambassador coming to negotiate land rights. And he had to drop Discord�s note. (He knew her name was Eris, but he didn�t want to broach that just yet. He�d only heard a few people call her that and all of them lived on Olympus.) Bump and drop. Didn�t come much easier. The words would change, Discord had told him, to something �situationally appropriate� once the paper had left his hand. He hadn�t pressed her on what that would be.

He could see the burgh in question over the next rise. Things were peaceful but active. It was still early morning and the smell of breakfast was overwhelming. He�d missed the chance for food before he left, but� He straightened up, a happy and proud smile on his face, and puffed his chest out a little. Food could wait. He had a job to do. Then, he could find out what was baking that smelled so good. But first�

Cupid was right. Being useful rocked.

-tbc-
- 5
- 6
- 7
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Home Unknown