You Knew What You Were Getting Into

Chapter Six

The dinner had gone fairly quietly, as these sort of gatherings went. Any time you got Strife, Deimos, and Phobos together in one place there was bound to be... Well, the kindly inclined called them 'hijinx'. Since there weren't many on Olympus who were THAT kindly inclined their antics were usually refered to as 'nonsense' by the delicate and 'shit' by the blunt. This time the twins had behaved well. There had been no blowing of bubbles in the wine, nor snorting of milk through the nose. There hadn't even been a 'do you like seafood? See--food!' incident. It was probably because they were in the presence of not only Hera, but also Ares and Aphrodite. Ares suspected that Joxer was working a subtle bit of calming as well, and he was grateful. Still, there had to be SOME incidents.

Half way through dinner Hera said sharply, "Deimos, stop throwing grapes at Phobos."

Deimos gave Hera a wide-eyed look, and displayed his hands as Accord said, "I didn't see him throw anything."

"He was doing it under the table."

Phobos frowned, rubbing his knee. "So THAT'S what it was. I thought maybe Joxer's cat was roamin' under the table, lookin' for a snack. I've been tryin' to feed grapes to nothin'?" He grabbed up his roll and cocked his arm back.

Ares snapped, "DROP IT!" Phobos dropped it, but he silently mouthed 'later!' at his brother.

It was just as well that he did, Because Deimos had loaded a spoon with a tangled, dark green, dripping mess, and was preparing to use it as a catapult. When his brother lowered the roll he started to innocently eat the bite, then stopped, actually LOOKING at it. "What the Tartarus IS this crap?"

"Lemme see." Strife dipped up some from the same bowl and held it under his nose, sniffing like a wine afficianado checking out the bouquet of a rare vintage. "Greens, natch, but tha question is turnip, collards, or spinach?" He sniffed again. "Spinach." He started to drop the food back into the bowl.

"Wait a minute," said Ares. "Aren't you going to eat that, after having it up close and personal with your nose?"

"Are you kiddin?" Strife dropped the dark green was on his plate. "Had enougha that crap while I was carryin Imp, thank ya. An' don't tell me yer gettin healthy in yer old age, Unc? I thought yer idea of veggies was like mine--taters an' corn."

Ares paused, then jerked his head at Accord. "What--you think I want my son to get soft bones, or something?"

Accord looked up in surprise. "You haven't forced me to eat vegetables since I was nine." He looked at Bliss. "I warned him that if I had to eat mushy peas I'd throw up. He didn't believe me. I threw up. On him."

Strife cackled. "I love that kid."

"I didn't do it on purpose."

"Suuuure."

There was another quiet stretch of eating and conversation. As hosts, Ares and Joxer occupied the head and the foot of the table. Hera, as most honored female guest, sat on Ares' right hand, and the rest... It was pretty much catch-as-catch-can. Aphrodite and Hephaestus, ignorant (but probably not giving a damn about) the social rules of seating that would come in the future, sat together, as did Cupid and Strife. If Ares had thought that having Deimos and Phobos sit across from each other and at opposite ends of the table would curb their antics, he'd only been partiall right. At least there was no pinching and hair pulling. In fact, Phobos was sitting next to Impetua, and he was quite behaving himself with her--he knew for a fact that she could be just as sneaky and vindictive as he'd ever thought about being. Plus she had wings, so if he gave her a hard time he would have to look everywhere, including straight up, to avoid retaliation. A bucket full of the floor contents of Apollo's stable could do wonders in adjusting an attitude. Bliss and Accord sat together, also, occasionally sharing eye-rolls at something that the 'grown ups' or 'kids' said or did.

Finally they'd reached the end of the meal. Joxer had cleared the table with a thought (making sure to leave behind Gabby's bowl of fruit. She was at least trying), then set it again with plates of more delicate fruits, cakes, and cookies. Aphrodite conjured up a few plates of that wonderful substance she'd introduced Strife to when he was pregnant with Impetua--chocolate. She was still hoarding the recipe, claiming that it was too powerful to be made available to just anyone.

Ares brought to the table several bottles of the wine he'd decanted from the keg he'd gotten the day before. They'd been chilling in buckets of snow. Joxer took a bottle, too, and they went around the table from opposite ends, filling glasses. When Strife immediately started to take a sip, Cupid caught his wrist, shaking his head. "Wait. You know that they don't usually have this many of us over at once unless it's some sort of official meeting? I think we're about to find out what this is all about."

Instead of returning to his seat, Joxer went to the head of the table as Ares resumed his seat. He poured his husband a goblet of wine, then as the rest of the party watched in bemusement, he diuluted it with at least half water. Ares scowled at the goblet, then gave Joxer and inquiring look and held up his thumb and forefinger a little apart, as if measuring something. Joxer shook his head. Ares sighed and shrugged as Joxer transported his chair from the end of the table to beside Ares, then took a seat.

"I suppose you're wondering why we called you all here..." began Ares.

"Ta reveal tha murder?" said Strife. When everyone stared at him he explained, "It's a cliche media thing. Gonna be real popular with those Britannics. G'wan, Unc."

While Strife was speaking, Ares had been eying the dish of chocolate in front of Aphrodite. Now he reached out and took a piece, examined it suspiciously, and sniffed it. "This looks like some sort of cheap paving stone, but it smells good." He took a tiny nibble. His eyes didn't exactly roll back in his head, but the next bite he snapped out of the candy would have done justice to a 20th century woman with a stressful job, a jerk boyfriend, and PMS.

Aphrodite was watching him, open mouthed. Ares ate fruit, of course, but he'd never been all that interested in other kinds of sweets. Now here he was scarfing the sweetest, most indulgent sweet around. In fact, he had a piece in both hands, and a couple piled in front of him. "Ar, if you want it that bad, I'll send some over later."

"Thanks, Dite. Could you make it a couple of pounds? I'm sure Joxer and Accord will want a couple of pieces."

Strife's eyes were suddenly the size of saucers, and his hair seemed to stand on end even more than usual. He sat bolt upright, pointed at Ares, and said, "YER KNOCKED UP!"

Total, dead silence--except for Accord and Bliss snickering.

Cupid said, "Strife, why on Earth would you think--?"

Strife started ticking off on his fingers. "He's wearin new clothes, he's been sittin down every second he could, he's been civil ta Gabby..." He hesitated. "Okay, on that one it could mean that tha end of the world is approachin. Joxer watahed his wine an he didn't bitch about it, he's servin SPINACH, he ate TWO helpins of spinach, I saw 'im addin garlic-hot sauce ta his new green peas, an' he's gobblin chocolate like there's no tamarrah. Oh, boy--do I recognize most of those." He leaned his elbows on the table, propping his chin in his hands, and said, "How long?"

There was a long silence. Finally Ares said, "And I was wondering how I was going to phrase it. We think about three months." It was quiet for another moment. "Well, someone say something."

Deimos, who was the twin sitting closest to them, gave Joxer a stern look and said, "You got my father pregnant?"

Joxer held up his hand and wiggled his fingers, making the light glint on his ring. "Married here?"

Deimos' expression cleared. "Oh, yeah." Then he grinned. "I'm gonna be an uncle!"

Ares slapped his forehead, but Joxer just said, "Brother."

Deimos blinked, thought for a moment, then said, "Oh, yeah. Hey, a sibling..." His eyes sparkled. "To mold."

Phobos perked up. "Oo!" He saw the look his father was giving him and said quickly, "And educate, and protect!"

Deimos caught on and nodded quickly. "Heck, yeah! We can teach 'im how to scare off anyone who tries to mess with 'im. How to have 'em running like a bunch of screaming girls."

"And suppose HE is a girl?" said Ares dryly.

The twins both started to say something, then stopped and looked at each other. After a second they both shrugged. "Even better," said Deimos. "Fear and panic can come in really handy for a girl. Save you some trouble with her boyfriends, huh?"

Joxer didn't like the contemplative look on Ares face as he drawled, "Yesssss. Maybe when she starts to approach puberty we can have you boys..." Joxer pinched his shoulder. Ares cleared his throat. "You're good brothers." He glanced around the table. "Well? Gasps? Comments?" He looked pointedly at Strife. "Jokes?"

Strife grinned. "I can wait. I got six months of material ahead."

Ares looked at Cupid. "Hey, Dad, we're immortal and fertile practically forever--it's not like the prospect of another brother or sister hasn't occured to me. I think it's great." He smiled. "Hope he has wings."

"Thank you." Ares glanced at Joxer. "You remember how much trouble we had with cleaning Cord's bellybutton and cutting his toenails?" Joxer winced. "Imagine how it's going to be when we have to have his feathers clipped to keep him from taking off before he's ready."

"We already know how Daddy Strife feels about it, and I talked to Accord earlier," said Bliss.

"Hey!" said Impetua.

Bliss stuck his tongue out at her, and she promptly returned the gesture. "Anyway, I just want to weigh in with a 'yay!'"

"Me, too," said Impetua. "Hey, Granddad, try to have a girl, huh? I'm outnumbered around here." Aphrodite giggled. "I know how Grandma votes on that front."

Aphrodite waved her hands. "I promise I promise I PROMISE that I won't try to put the baby, boy or girl, in pink till they're at LEAST..." She paused. Ares cocked an eyebrow. "Three months. Oh, COME ON! I HAVE to. It's going to be hard enough for me to wait that long."

"Please don't ask her to wait any longer than that," said Hephaestus. "I'll end up wearing pink at some point if she has to restrain herself any longer. Congratulations, guys."

Ares silently turned his eyes toward Xena. She was staring at him almost blankly. Finally she gave him a small smile. "Well, after watching what Joxer went through, you know what you were getting into. Now you're going to get to see it from the other side. One piece of advice? Watch the salt. It'll help keep your ankles to below elephant size. Gabby? Either shut your mouth, or say something."

Gabby did both. She shut her mouth, swallowed, then said softly, "You're so lucky."

Strife reached over and laid a hand across Gabrielle's forehead. "Zeen, what are ya doin bringin her out when she's this sick?"

Gabrielle slapped his hand down, but there wasn't any real heat in the gesture. "I mean it. To be able to bring a child into the world, nurture it, watch it grow..." She trailed off, and Ares knew that she was remembering Hope, her own lost daughter. His usual animosity for the bard faded as he compared Gabrielle's luck with children with his own. There was just something about contemplating someone else's tragedy that made your own problems seem small.

"Children," said Hera, "can be both a great trial, and a great joy. Ares--you, Joxer and I are going to be working closely with Apollo and Ace to be sure that this pregnancy goes as smoothly as possible. While we can't be prepared for EVERY eventuality, as evidenced by Accord's abrupt entrance into the world, we can certainly TRY." She smiled at Ares. "I'll admit, son, that I never expected this from you."

"I know, I know. Too 'girlie'." Ares sounded resigned.

"Not at all," said Hera gently. "Oh, I suppose there are some fools, people who don't know you, who might think that. We can probably count your father among them." She shrugged. "Fools are with us always--there's nothing we can do about it. It would depopulate the world if we tried to get rid of them all. I just wish I could get Gaia to authorize alternating who carries the baby among the mortals. It would promote understanding among the sexes, and that could only help marriages. It would also keep population growth in line, because I'm pretty sure that after the wife, then the husband, then the wife had a child, the husband would suddenly decide that three children were sufficient. I know why you're doing this." She smiled at Joxer. "And there's nothing more manly than putting yourself through discomfort and risk for the one you love. There aren't enough people willing to do that. Will you two STOP that?"

The last was directed at Deimos and Phobos, who'd been muttering at each other. "Boy." "Girl." "Boy." "Girl." "Boy!" "Girl!" When Hera spoke they stopped quarreling, eyeing each other, then Deimos said, "Both?

Phobos nodded. "That'd work?" They looked expectantly at their father.

Ares sat back a little. "Now, wait a minute! The only way that could happen would be if either I had a kid like Hermaphroditus (whom I love, but damn--sex is hard enough for UNCOMPLICATED kids to figure out), or one of each. I am NOT going to have twins."

"Hate ta tell ya this, Unc," said Strife. "But ya really don't have much of a choice in these sort thangs."

"We've spoken to Apollo and Ace, and they said there was just one," said Ares firmly.

"Well..."

Ares stared at Joxer. "What do you MEAN, 'well'?"

"They only used singular pronouns, but they didn't say specifically that it was one baby."

"They didn't say specifically that it was an actual baby and not a kitten, either."

"There's no chance that it could be a kitten..." Joxer paused as Mjau jumped up on the table and began to stalk a chicken wing. Accord quickly grabbed the little cat, handed it a small chunk of lamb instead, and shooed it out the door. Joxer looked at Ares.

"TELL me you aren't thinking that," said Ares.

"Of course not. No, you wouldn't get... But Ar, there IS a history of twins in your family." He nodded toward Deimos and Phobos. "And then there's the matter of Apollo and Artemis, and yourself and Eris..."

"Stop it, you're scaring me. You're the father, though, so that shouldn't..." He trailed off, eyes widening as he remembered Jayce and Jett. "Oh, crap," he said softly, looking down at his own belly in speculation. "But really, Ace and Apollo would have known, wouldn't they?

"They SHOULD have," said Hera, "but at this early stage things are still a little nebulous. They should be able to tell for sure in a week or two."

Ares sat back, groaning. "I have to hang in suspence that long?"

"Try to view it in a good light, dear. Start planning what you'll do if it IS a multiple."

"You mean BESIDES going crazy?"

"Well, maybe I can relieve a little of your stress, dear."

"I'd appreciate it. How?"

Her smile was acid-sweet. "Let ME be the one to tell your father about the upcoming happy event."