Condemned to be Free

Pairing: None for this chapter
Rating: This chapter is more like R I think
Warnings: Rape aftermath, angst (I try to keep it real so be careful reading it)

Disclaimer: I own nothing Supernatural and am making no money from this.

John stood there, stunned, while Sam leapt up and used his keycard in the door. He stopped when he saw the room was empty.

As his father came in behind him, Sam held up a hand for him to keep quiet. The bed was a mess and he saw some signs of blood on the sheets. Sam inwardly cursed, knowing he was going to have to make Dean let him apply that ointment at some point.

He heard the breathing then. It sounded as if someone were trapped and panicked. He motioned for his father to close the door and stay put and then walked around the bed. His heart siezed up at the sight of Dean huddled in the corner with his arms protecting his head from whatever he had seen in his sleep.

Sam squatted down, keeping his distance. "Dean? Dean, it was a nightmare. Come on. Come back to bed."

Dean didn't respond. He was trapped in a place where his emotions were battling with his pride and the fight was intense at the moment. He just shivered and willed himself to be 'okay', but he didn't remember what 'okay' was anymore.

Sam stood and then sat down on the bed so he was closer to Dean. "Look, I'm not going to let anything happen to you now. I'm here."

"I shouldn't have left."

The voice was so soft, John had to strain to hear it.

Sam just frowned. "Dean, don't do this. This wasn't your fault."

"I shouldn't have left. I'm so...I'm so stupid!" Dean let his hands drop and leaned his head back against the wall, keeping his eyes closed. "I'm stupid. I'm just stupid. I'm-"

"Dean, please..." Sam wanted to reach out to him. He wanted to hold him and kiss away his tears like Dean had done for him when he was a toddler and having nightmares about burning angels.

Dean opened his eyes then, but didn't see his father from his vantage point. He stared at Sam and used the image to bring him back a little bit. That's when he felt the pain and winced.

Sam sighed. "Yeah, I'm going to have to look at that."

Dean shook his head. "No. I can't."

Sam dropped it for the moment. "I called dad."

Dean's eyes widened. "You what? Why?"

The anger and fear rolled off of him and John lowered his head, hating himself for leaving Dean at all.

"I thought he should know....what happened..."

"You thought he should know?!?!" Dean rubbed his hands over his face, hoping to get rid of the nightmare that had become his life. "Well maybe I didn't want him to know."

"He's our father."

"I'm his...." He closed his eyes and gave himself a moment to stop the tears that threatened before looking up at Sam again. He was calm again before he spoke. "I'm his good little soldier. Good little soldiers don't let bad things happen out of stupidity."

John cringed. He remembered that little speech. It was after Sam had been attacked by one of a group of creatures they'd been hunting. He'd yelled at Dean for not securing a hiding place for Sam before the battle. Dean hadn't smiled at John since that day. He'd become a 'soldier'.

Sam didn't remember the lecture so he didn't understand the significance, but he did know his brother was in pain because of something his father had done. "Dad loves you."

"So you told him everything?"

"Yeah, I did."

Dean shook his head and wrapped his arms around himself. "I didn't want him to know. I didn't want anyone to know. It's...it's like having it happen all over again. It makes it more real the more people who know. I can't..." His voice broke and he just closed his eyes again.

"Dean, he was upset. He wants to know how he can help. He....He wants to see you."

Dean's eyes snapped open then and he looked torn between terrified and enraged. "Well I don't want to see him!" He stood up and froze when he saw his dad standing there. His face paled and he turned his gaze to Sam. He realized their whole conversation was monitored by the one man he could never allow himself to be anything, but strong, in front of. "How could you? I trusted you...I..." He stumbled slightly and leaned heavily against the wall as Sam jumped up to grab his elbow.

"You can hate me later. Right now you need to lie down and I need to check you out to see how bad-"

"No!" Dean pulled away from him and squeezed closer to the wall. "Just get away from me."

Sam noticed his father struggling to keep his mouth shut and just leaned in closer to Dean. "Just come on. I won't let him be here for it. It's fine...."

Dean could feel the shaking start deep within his body. Sam didn't understand. He thought having their dad there was making Dean more restless. "You're too close. I can't breathe..." He started to gasp for air and his heart pounded loud enough he was sure everyone could hear it. "Sammy..."

As the name left his mouth he felt the panic grip him harder and his eyes filled with tears he knew his brother would understand.

Sam backed up a step and frowned at the wild look in Dean's eyes, wishing his parents had named him something else...anything else. "Are you going to be sick? Do you want me to find something?"

Dean couldn't move. The sound of the blood rushing in his ears was drowning out everything else. His skin felt like it was partly removed from his body. Cold and clammy and needing his soul for warmth. But his soul had fled and he didn't know where. All he knew was the sound of his blood, the echo of his brother's name said in pleading and in fear, the feel of his heart trying to break through his chest, and the air moving in and out of his lungs at a speed that couldn't be good.

He tried to see Sam, but his vision started to fade at the edges and the coolness on his head burst through with beads of sweat. He couldn't speak. He felt opening his mouth would result in his body being turned inside out. He no longer knew what was up and what was down and Sam faded more and more into a tiny point out in the distance.

Sam reached out and grabbed Dean as he started to fall, surprised Dean didn't flinch. "Dad!"

John had been waiting for Sam to allow him to do something and he rushed over to help Sam get Dean onto the bed. John sat on the edge of the bed while Sam fussed with the covers. He stroked his hand down Dean's face.

Sam shook his head. "He doesn't like being touched."

John smiled sadly. "He'll be out in a minute. He doesn't know I'm touching him anyway."

John was right. Dean had no clue what was happening. His eyes were open and unseeing and he let himself admit defeat and no longer fought the feelings that had scared him a moment before. He allowed the breathing to take off on its own and turned the sound in his ears into a lullaby. Then he used the beating of his heart to rock him into a gentleness he craved. Finally he closed his eyes, no longer needing to force himself to see.

Sam and John watched the change as Dean's eyes closed and his breathing slowed. The tension in his body disappeared and he passed out.

Sam just sat heavily at the foot of the bed and dropped his head into his hands. Once he caught his own breath, he turned to John who was still caressing Dean's face. He wanted to say something cruel, but as John's tears fell, Sam knew they were in this together and needed to be united for Dean's sake. "How did you know?"

John never took his eyes off of Dean. "What?"

"How did you know he'd be out and that he wouldn't get more upset with you touching him?"

John shrugged one shoulder. "Panic attacks. He used to have them as a kid. Probably until he was about seven. Once you were old enough to notice them, he used that to keep them under control."

Sam was stunned. He'd never thought of his brother as the type to have panic attacks. "That was a long time ago."

"Not so long. He had them again after you left. He thought he kept them hidden from me, but I knew. Any bit of news from where you were, or any area around there and he was convinced..." John shut his eyes and then turned to Sam. "I didn't know how to help him."

"What was he convinced of?"

John sighed. "Car accidents, fires, murders, suicides...until a name came out he was convinced it was you. He couldn't handle not knowing what you were doing. He had been the person with the sole responsibility of keeping you alive for so long that, when you left, his whole purpose for being just...changed. But he still felt the urge to protect you and with you being so far away...." He shrugged again. "He was constantly thinking he'd failed."

Sam felt the weight in his chest get heavier. He'd never thought about how his leaving would hurt Dean. He thought he was doing the right thing and part of him thought Dean would appreciate not having to babysit anymore. It had never occurred to him how wrong he was. "I didn't know..."

"You would have if you had called us once in awhile."

"You could have called me, you know."

John shook his head. "Not before you called me."

Sam just sighed. "How did Dean put up with us?"

John laughed lightly. "Yeah, I'm not sure. I sometimes think about the hell I put him through when I left. Dean doesn't do well with being alone. He doesn't...function. He's so scared of being left and I couldn't handle it...his reaction to your absence...so I left, too. Sometimes I wonder how many sleepless nights he spent before finding you. I wonder how many panic attacks....I wonder how many showers just to hide his tears..."

"Stop!" Sam stood up. "We hurt him. I get it. But I didn't leave him alone. I left him with you and you fucked up!"

John fisted the hand not touching Dean into the cover on the bed to stop himself from lunging at his younger son. "I did what I had to do. Don't question me about things in the past, Sammy. It won't do Dean any good now."

Sam walked over to the window and nodded. "Yeah, I suppose you're right." At Dean's soft moan, he turned back and sat on the other side of the bed. "Dean? Dean, can you hear me?"

Dean groaned. "What happened?"

Sam smiled in relief. "You were sick...it's okay. You're alright now..."

Dean blinked a few times and opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling. Once he was sure he remembered how to see again, he looked at Sam and then at John. "Oh...this is nice." The sarcasm was more than apparent and John removed his hand while Sam tried not to roll his eyes.

Sam glanced at his dad and then went back to Dean. "I'm sorry I called dad without telling you."

Dean nodded, his eyes not leaving his father's face. "You should be, but...it doesn't matter now."

John nodded as well and held out his arms. "It's okay, son."

Dean sat up slowly and hugged John tightly. There were no tears. He just laid there, allowing himself to feel the embrace of his father, his protector. He had been so scared and Sam was so great, but he hated putting Sam in the position to care for him.

Sam bit down on his lower lip. The pang of jealousy that tore through him was unexpected, but he hid it. He wanted to be the one holding onto Dean. He wanted to be the person Dean needed for comfort. Instead he was in the role of the bystander. Just like when Dean was being examined at the hospital. Just like when Dean was being raped.

He stood and walked into the bathroom. Staring into the mirror, he took a moment to calm his nerves before grabbing the cream from the sink. He walked out and watched as John released Dean so he could settle him back on the bed. "Dean, I need to check you..."

John glanced at Sam. "I'll do it. Why don't you get something for us to eat." He tossed his keys at the foot of the bed, effectively dismissing him.

Dean didn't say a word. He just watched his father.

Sam swallowed the lump in his throat and tossed the cream on the bed and snatched up the keys. He wasn't needed. He went through all of that and now he wasn't needed. He cursed himself for his shallowness. Hadn't he just told John not long ago that they would be doing what Dean needed? And now here he was...pouting because Dean didn't need what Sam wanted him to need. He sighed, coming to terms with the facts, and headed toward the door. He turned the knob and opened the door when he heard something that made his heart hurt.

"Don't." Dean whispered the word brokenly.

Sam turned slowly. It was so reminiscent of what he'd been hearing from Dean since the nightmare began. He expected to see John trying to examine him, but instead Dean was looking past John to Sam.

"Don't leave me."

Sam let the door close and came back. Dean held his hand out and Sam grasped it, sitting down next to John. "Dean...you need to eat...and you need to be examined and..."

"Dad can do it. Dad..." Dean looked at John again. "Can you get something for us? I'd rather you not be here for this part. I need..." He nearly said his brother's name, but couldn't. He felt his skin crawl just for thinking about it. "I need my brother for this."

John was surprised, but just nodded. "Sure, son. I'll take my time so you two can finish whatever you need. I'll call when I'm back in the parking lot so I don't...interrupt anything." John had sensed his son's hesitation and wasn't sure why it was there. He promised himself he'd find out more about the discomfort later.

Dean nodded. "Thanks." He turned back to Sam and took some deep breaths as John took his keys back.

John smiled at Sam. "You need anything..."

"I'll call you, dad." Sam smiled back. "I'll see you in a bit, okay?"

John nodded and left to get his boys some food.

Dean didn't let go of Sam's hand. "Don't leave me."

"I won't, Dean. I just thought you wanted-"

"I want you. I need you. Please...just...I know what you have to do, but I'm scared and..."

Sam frowned. "Just tell me. Whatever you want...it's yours."

Dean chewed his lower lip and felt the tears slip. "Could you...."

Sam touched his thumb to the corner of Dean's mouth, soothing him into not chewing his lip anymore. "Dean, I won't say no."

Dean nodded. "Can you just hold me? Just don't let me go. Just..." The tears started to flow then and Sam didn't bother scooping Dean up. He just laid down next to him and pulled him close. He rubbed his back and kissed his temple and let his big brother cry into his neck. Heaving sobs nearly undid Sam as Dean let out more of the pain and grief he'd been dealing with.

Sam knew things would get worse before they got better and continued to kiss Dean's face and his hair. Between the soft caresses, he whispered soft words of encouragement, telling him he was okay now and that he'd never leave him.

Fifteen minutes later, Sam knew he'd have to get Dean to relent to the exam and the ointment soon before their dad came back. "Dean....I need to do this...."

Dean's sobbing stopped, but the tears still fell steadily. He pulled away and nodded.

Sam retrieved the cream and stood as Dean sat up. "How do you want..."

Sam looked at the bed and figured the best way. "Put your head at the foot of the bed. That way I can use the lamp to see better."

Dean nodded and turned. He looked at Sam and frowned. "I'm scared."

"I know. I am, too."

That seemed to relax Dean considerably and he nodded. "Okay. Let's do this." He tugged his sweats down around his thighs and turned his back to Sam. He focused on the wall and the paint swirls to try to take him away.

Sam sat down and took a deep breath. There was some blood coating the line between the soft flesh and he knew he had to do what needed to be done. "Dean...I'm going to touch your hip and then I'm going to spread you open so I can see, okay?"

Dean just nodded, not able to talk.

Sam gently laid his hand flat on Dean's hip and waited for the shuddering to stop before moving his hand lower. He pulled the flesh apart with the one hand and hissed when he saw the damage. An image flashed into his brain quickly. He saw the men pulling his brother apart, forcing themselves inside, pumping back and forth while Dean screamed.

Sam's own scream began to well up inside of him, but was stopped from coming out by Dean.

"Sammy?" The whispered plea became a chant as Dean lost himself in his living nightmare again. Sam became aware that he wasn't doing anything, but crying, and he forced himself to focus so he could get this over with for both of them. Sam hurried around to face Dean. He placed his hands on his brother's cheeks and forced him to look at him. "It's okay! Please, Dean...stop...stop saying that name. Please don't say it anymore. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." Tears fell more from his eyes and he leaned his forehead to Dean's.

Dean choked back a sob as he said 'Sammy' one more time before concentrating on his brother. "Oh God...how do I do this? How do I get past this?"

"You take it one step at a time. We'll have to be careful. Just remember I love you, okay?"

Dean shook violently as he pushed away the images he was having while thinking of his brother's name. "Yeah...okay." He took a deep breath. "So did you finish looking at...I mean...did you finish?"

"Yeah...I was just checking to see if I'd have to use it....I do."

Dean squeezed his eyes shut and listed to Sam open the bedside drawer to get the latex gloves. He talked Dean through things again and got the tube opened and spread the medication on one finger. "I'm going to touch you now, okay?"

Dean just nodded again. He felt the soft touch of his brother's finger and tensed up.

"Dean, I'm going to push my finger in and turn it as gently as possible to coat the area, alright? You'll feel some pressure and maybe some pain." Sam tried to talk through his tears, but it was obvious he was tortured by what he had to do.

Dean heard the pain and took a deep breath. "Do it." He grunted as he felt the finger invade him. His focus faltered, but not completely. The feel of the men warred with the knowledge Sam was just doing what had to be done. The movement inside of him made him cry out and start begging for it to stop.

Sam didn't stop, though. He knew it would be harder for them both if he tried this again. "Hold on, Dean. It's okay. Hold on." He felt Dean's muscles clench and knew that had to be causing more pain, but he finished the job. "I'm taking my finger out. It's okay."

He pulled the gloves off and disposed of them in the wastebasket and then curled around Dean, not bothering to adjust the sweats yet. He reached his arm around and found it snatched to Dean's chest as Dean tried to calm down. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."

Sam rocked his brother gently. "You did so good, Dean. I'm so proud of you. That was so hard for both of us, but you did a good job." They stayed that way a few more minutes until Sam spoke again. "Let me help you get dressed, okay?"

Dean let Sam help him up and get his pants pulled up. He looked shyly away and tried to tell himself he wasn't grotesque, but it wasn't helping.

Sam noticed the look and pulled his brother into his arms again. Both men stood there, holding onto each other for dear life.

Sam patted Dean's back. "You know...I had forgotten..."

"Forgotten what?"

"How beautiful you are. I remember going swimming in the summers and you were just...magnificent. I'd forgotten."

Dean smiled slightly at that and got comfortable on the bed with Sam. "Thanks."

"For what, Dean?"

"For being you." Dean snuggled against Sam and sighed gently. "I'm going to be okay."

Sam pulled Dean closer, grateful he still had at least half an hour before his dad returned. "Yup...I think we both will."

The End


I'm thinking this is the end and might call for a sequel. What do you guys think? I just don't think there is anything immediate for Dean to work through at the moment, but there will be things later. Police investigation, rape aftermath, dealing with John, and of course the return of evil Sammy, but...I'm open for suggestions. Like I said, just because I'm ending this part doesn't mean the story is ending.