The Hercules Picture Show

OK, this last chapter is closer to 5 pages than the 6 I thought it would be. (I suck at math!) Thought about cutting it into 2 chapters of 2 1/2 pages, but it looked choppy. So, here's the last chapter. Please review. Pretty Please? With sugar on top.


"Where could they be?" Gabrielle asked her friend.
"They can be anywhere, Gabrielle." said Xena. "Keep your eyes and ears open."
They were nearly knocked down by a nearly naked Iolaus, who was apparently running for his life. They drew their weapons and stood in the path of his strangely dressed pursuer. Frank stopped short. Hercules was gaining on him behind. Gabrielle nearly dropped her staff when she realized Hercules was wearing a floral print bath robe and little else. "Don't let him get away!" said Hercules.
"Oh, no! Whatever shall I do?" Frank said theatrically. He angled the arm on a nearby suit of armor, and suddenly, a passage opened in the wall. "Tootles!" Frank blew a kiss and hid in the secret passage.
"How did he do that?" asked Gabrielle, moving the armor herself, to no avail.
"It doesn't matter." said Hercules. "Let's find Iolaus and get out of this madhouse!"
"Joxer and Autolycus are here too." Xena pointed out.
"Why are you dressed like that?" Gabrielle asked Hercules.
"I like it." he retorted.
"Is-is he gone?" Iolaus asked, peaking around the corner.
"He-he just disappeared into a wall!" said Gabrielle.
"Let's find Joxer and Autolycus and get out." said Hercules. "Careful, Frank could be anywhere."
"Joxer said he and Eddie were going to check the basement." said Xena. "We'll go there."
They made their way down the corridor leading to the basement stairwell, Xena taking point and Gabrielle taking up the rear. She was more than a little surprised when Frank stepped out of a grandfather clock and grabbed her. She screamed and batted at him with her stick before running from him. Frank gave chase, while performing a musical number. Gabrielle's friends followed. They couldn't figure out how Frank could sing and run at the same time.
I'll tell you once,
And that's all I'll tell
You better think well, Gabrielle
My stock in you
Has just fell!
You better think well, Gabrielle
Gabrielle got another hit in with her stick and ran for the stairs. Still Frank chased her.
I've laid the seed
It should be all you need
You're as sensual as a pencil
Wound up like an E on third string
When Herc and I made it
Did you hear a bell ring?
Autolycus and Joxer were nearly knocked down as Gabrielle dashed past them, Frank singing as he chased her. The two joined Xena and Hercules in the pursuit. The chase led them to an open room decorated with nude statues. Autolycus tripped over the satin sheet he had been wearing.
Don't try to run
You're under my spell
You better think well, Gabrielle
The transducer
Will seduce ya!
Frank flipped a switch on the wall and suddenly, the six of them were trapped in place. "My feet!" screamed Gabrielle, trying to pick them off the floor. "I can't move my feet!"
Autolycus tried to stand, only to find he couldn't. "This sheet- by the gods, I can't move this sheet!"
"It's as if we're glued to the spot!" Joxer observed.
"You are!" said Frank, demonstrating that he himself could move at will. "So quake with fear, you tiny fools!"
"Oh, we're trapped!" cried Gabrielle.
"It's something you'll get used to." sang Frank. "A mental mind fuck can be swell!" He pinched Gabrielle on the rear, making her squeal.
"You won't get away with this!" said Autolycus as Riff-Raff and Magenta entered the room.
"Oh, again with the clichés." sighed Frank.
"You wanna talk clichés, Frank?" asked Autolycus. "How about villains who can't stop talking about their evil plans! You've got more than simple slavery in mind for me and the guys."
"What do you mean?" asked Hercules.
"I mean Frank's little 'construction' job." said Autolycus. "He doesn't want us as labor. He wants us as parts! To build his ultimate dream man!"
"You mean," said a terrified Gabrielle. "He just gonna chop you up in his lab?"
"Lab, schmab, Gab!" sang Frank, bumping his hips against hers. She would have fallen had her feet not been firmly glued to the floor. He began to sing while groping her.
You better think well, Gabrielle
You better think well
Make your pink swell
You better think well....
And then she cried out "STOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!" while pounding on his chest. Frank collected himself and grinned at her. He began to sing again.
Don't get hot and flustered
Use a bit of mustard!
"You're a hot dog!" sang Joxer, shaking with anger after seeing the way Gabrielle had been treated. "But you'd better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter!" He raised his fists as if to fight. Frank merely nodded his head at Magenta, who pulled a switch marked "Medusa Ray". Suddenly, Joxer was just another nude statue.
"You're a hot dog." said Xena, reaching for her sword. "But you'd better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter!" She raised the sword above her head as if to swing it down on Frank. Frank just nodded again. Magenta pulled the switch, turning Xena into yet another nude statue.
"You're a hot dog!" Gabrielle put her hands up defensively. She was just another statue before she could finish.
"Eh, it wouldn't have rhymed anyway." said Autolycus.
"I won't stand for this!" said Hercules.
"Like you have a choice." Frank nodded, and Hercules was another nude statue.
Iolaus looked beseechingly at Magenta. "Magenta, please, no!" he said. When Magenta hesitated over the switch, Riff-Raff pushed her away and pulled it himself. "Oh no! Not ag-" Iolaus was cut off as he was made into yet another statue.
"Great party." quipped Autolycus. "Everyone's either stoned or plastered." Frank nodded, and Autolycus was just another nude statue sprawled on the floor.

Salmoneus thought for a minute before putting his quill back on the parchment.
It is unknown what exactly happened directly after that. What is known that in the same night that Hercules and Iolaus had taken up Frank's offer of hospitality, both had tasted forbidden fruit. This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? In an empty house. In the middle of the night. What diabolical plan had seized Frank's crazed imagination? What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be no picnic.
As soon as Frank had everything in order, he raised the curtain and pulled the switch. As he knew it would, the Medusa ray's after effects made his captives sing and dance in his own private floor show. While they were helpless in their stone forms, he had bedecked them in sparkling corsets, fishnet stockings, boas, heavy make-up and other accessories. He had positioned Xena and Gabrielle's figures as if Gabrielle was copping a feel on Xena. When they were able to move again, they sang and danced in tandem.
It was great when it all began
We had a regular base of fans
But it was over when they had the plan
To turn us into lesbians!
Now the only thing that gives us hope
Is our desire to grab and grope
Rose tint our world
Keep us safe from our trouble and pain!
Hercules was next. His large body clonked gracelessly in high heels.
I'm just another son of Zeus
It's a fate I wouldn't choose
And now that I've busted loose
I'll make you an offer you can't refuse
Now the only thing I've come to trust
Is an orgasmic rush of lust
Rose tint my world
Keep me safe from my trouble and pain!
Joxer seemed completely bewildered as he stumbled about in fishnets and high heels.
It's beyond me
Help me, Mommy!
I'll be good, you'll see
Take this dream away!
What's this? Let's see...
I feel sexy!
What's come over me?
Whoo! Here it comes again!
Iolaus went into his number as Joxer writhed on the floor. He seemed a bit more at home in high heels than the other two men.
I feel release
Bad times decease
My confidence has increased
Reality is here
The game has been disbanded
My line has been expanded
It's a gas that Frankie's landed!
His lust is so sincere
Iolaus wrapped the feather boa around his neck and blew a kiss to his nonexistent audience. Frankie took his turn in the spotlight and sang a song about wanting to be dressed like Fay Ray. He ended by leaping into a pool that hadn't been there before. "Don't dream it," Frankie urged. "Be it! Don't dream it, be it!" Soon his "guests" were singing the same refrain and joined him in the pool for an aquatic orgy.
The lever on the Medusa ray slipped, releasing Autolycus from his stone state. He was still lying prone, with a satin sheet draped over him. He looked over at the pool just in time to see Joxer being kissed by both Xena and Gabrielle while Frank and Hercules teased both of Iolaus' nipples. "We've got to get out of his trap." Autolycus decided. "Before this decadence saps our wills." He watched as Xena copped a feel on Gabrielle while tongue kissing Joxer. "I've gotta be strong and try to hang on." Hercules took Iolaus underwater for an open mouthed kiss while Frank licked Joxer's neck. "Or else, my mind may well snap..." He watched all of them swirl about in the pool, grabbing and groping each other, unmindful of smearing make-up and floating shoes. "And my life will be lived...for the thriiiiiills!" Autolycus emerged from the satin sheet like a butterfly from a cocoon, revealing that he was wearing nothing more than black leather briefs, matching heels and fishnet stockings.
"It's beyond me." Joxer sang. "Help me, Mommy." Gabrielle silenced him with an open mouthed kiss.
"The gods bless Lily St. Cyr!" Iolaus sang, not quite sure who she was.
"My my my my my my my my!" sang Frank. "My my my, my-my!" As he used Hercules' shoulders to exit the pool, he began a new song.
I'm a wild and untamed thing
I'm a bee with a deadly sting
You get a hit and your mind goes ping
Your heart pumps and your blood will sing
So let the party and the sound rock on
We're gonna shake it till the light has gone
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!
Suddenly, his "captives" joined him on stage. They formed a chorus line as they sang.
We're a wild and untamed thing
We're a bee with a deadly sting
You get a hit and your mind goes ping
Your heart pumps and your blood will sing
So let the party and the sound rock on
We're gonna shake it till the light has gone
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!
Autolycus joined in a bit late, his high kicks slightly out of sync with the others. But he caught up with them in time for the second chorus. Just then, Riff-Raff and Magenta busted in. Riff-Raff was singing as he pointed a strange weapon at Frank.
Frank N. Furter, end this crossover!
The writing is a failure,
The plotline's too extreme!
I'm the beta reader,
This now is a prequel
We return to the 20th century
Prepare the transport beam!
"Wait!" called Frank. "I can explain everything!"
"The time for explanation is over, Frank." said Riff-Raff.
Frank grinned at his butler. "Magenta may know how to use the sonic transducer to transport the castle anywhere in space, but only I know the co-ordinates to send us back to the twentieth century. So, unless you want to spend eternity in a world where indoor plumbing hasn't been invented yet, I suggest you let me live."
"Very well." Riff-Raff lowered his weapon. "I shall spare you. *This* time."
"You know I've always liked you, Riffy." Frank said with a smile.
"Do not delay any longer." said Riff-Raff. "I suggest you get yourself to the control panels now. We are ready to leave."
Frank pouted like a child told he couldn't have any candy, and left. Riff-Raff turned his attention to Frank's "guests", who were a little flabbergasted by all that had happened so far. "I suggest that you leave while it is still possible." he said to them. He motioned to the exit with his weapon. "Go. Now." he whispered. The six of them hurried outside, still dressed in their floor show regalia. Seconds after they left the castle, the entire building shuddered and emitted thick clouds of smoke. The force knocked all the escapees to the ground. Through the thick haze of smoke, they could see the castle rise higher and higher into the dawn streaked sky until it disappeared. It was then that Hercules made this realization:
I've done a lot,
Gods know I've tried
To find the truth
I've even lied
And all I know
Is down inside I'm
Bleeding
Iolaus added his own realization.
And superheroes
Come to feast
To taste the flesh
Not yet deceased
And all I know
Is still the beast is
Feeding.......

Salmoneous contemplated a map of the (known) world hanging on the wall. "And crawling on the planet's face." he said to himself. "Some insects called the human race." He rolled up the scroll of parchment he had been writing on. "Lost in time. And lost in space. And meaning." He blew out the candle and left the room.

EPILOGUE
Frank sighed sadly as the castle landed in Denton in the year 1972 A.D. It appeared his dream of the ultimate male lover was not to be. "Master," said Riff-Raff. "It would behoove you to remember the mission that the Great Furter sent you to Earth for."
"Oh, what do I care about that old queen?" snapped Frank. "I had the chance for the ultimate lover right in my grasp, and yet...and yet...." Frank grinned. "I still have that chance!"
"Whatever do you mean, Master?" asked Magenta.
"The answer was here, all the time!" Frank said, holding up the cum stained garters. "Yes, it's here! That elusive ingredient! That spark that is life itself!"
"Oh, here we go again!" Riff-Raff said with an eye roll.
"What on Transsexual are you talking about, Master?" asked Magenta.
"I am talking about the very pinnacle of biochemical research, Magenta." said Frank. "You see, I have in my hands-well, on my garters, DNA samples of both Hercules and Iolaus. I can combine them and clone my ultimate dream lover!"
"Do you have the technology for that, Master?" asked Magenta.
"Yes." said Frank. "I have that knowledge. I hold the secret to life itself!"
"I shall prepare the laboratory forth wit, Master." Riff-Raff sighed with resignation.
"Prepare the operating table, Riff-Raff." said Frank. "There's still the matter of finding a donor brain for my creation. Well, I'll really only need half of one." Frank grinned evilly as he took up a pick ax. "Oh, Eddie!" he called. "Come here! I wish to, erm, pick your brain!" Frank's maniacal laughter rang through the castle.
Historical Fiction
Double feature
Frank will go and
Build his creature
It will be a clone of
Herc and Iolaus
That's Rocky's origins
They never told us
At the late night
Double feature
Picture show

ENDNOTES:
Well, now when you see RHPS and Frank tells everyone "It took an accident to make it happen." you'll know what that accident was. I'd like to give special thanks to Disco Productions and Cite des Arts of Lafayette, Louisiana. I saw their production of *The Rocky Horror Show* and that gave me some ideas. (Namely, Frank's piggy-back ride, the reactions to seeing Frank and his lover on the monitor and the line "I'm getting a vibe here.") I'd also like to thank my husband, Micah, for his creative input. All song lyrics are either original lyrics written by Richard O'Brien or parodies.
It wasn't long after I started this fic that I found out Michael "Iolaus" Hurst was in a New Zealand production of *The Rocky Horror Show* as Riff-Raff. I could see him playing the role similar to the way he played Charon. (Though I'd rather see him as a barely dressed Rocky.) Kevin Tod Smith was going to be Frank N. Furter, but he had that tragic accident and the part had to be recast.
I'm thinking of posting this story again, only with shout-backs added. When attending a screening of RHPS, the audience is encouraged to shout things in response or antici...pation. There's also "echoes"- things said over lines. And then there's the props that can be thrown. However, I don't recommend shooting a water gun at your computer.
Well, hope you enjoyed the fic!
Peace,
cygna
P.S. I've got the Rocky Horror font on my computer. I used it to make a list of credits as they would appear if this fic were an actual episode or movie. Looks pretty cool. Wish I could post it somewhere with font intact. Now that there's a fan art page on AFF, maybe I can post something like that there.