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A New Beginning	By : rebekahgarton Category: 1 through F > 21 Jump Street Views: 777 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I did not create 21 Jump Street, nor do I make any money from my writing. I own nothing but a healthy interest in boys who love boys and a sweet vintage pinup of Peter Deluise. Please don't sue me.

Chapter List
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Authors Note: So here it is, a flashback that finally expains where Hanson went. Warning... If you're not cool with boys who love boys, walk away now. Thanks.

Doug and Tom slammed their glasses down on the table, having downed their third (or fourth, or fifth, they weren't really counting) shots simultaneously. Judy had offered to keep Clavo at her place for the weekend and Doug had jumped at the opportunity, badly needing a night of drinking with his buddies. He, Tom and Harry had all converged at his new apartment, opting to stay in instead of going out. They had been having a great time, going through almost a case of beer between them. But Harry had had to bow out early, needing to make an appearance in the morning for a case he was currently working. Tom and Doug had continued the party, ordering in a pizza and breaking out a bottle of Jack Daniels. They were having fun, talking, laughing, and rocking out to some new tapes Tom had brought over. But after a few hours of their drunken partying, they had both begun to wear down. They started laughing as they both realized the irony of the situation. They both looked young enough to still pass as a high school kid, but they certainly couldn't drink like one anymore. They were still laughing as they collapsed onto the sofa, almost unable to stop due to the alcohol that was flowing through their systems. Doug threw his arm over Tom's shoulder roughly, pulling the smaller man close as he slurred. "I love ya Tommy, you're like my best friend ever. It's been way to long since we've done this."
Tom smiled crookedly at the larger man, trying to suppress the urge that was currently surging through his body. But it was no use. He had drunk too much, lost all control over his actions. All he could see was Doug, his best friend, looking so enticing sitting there, slightly dazed with a huge grin pasted on his face. Tom debated with himself for a moment more, finally giving himself over to his desires. He tried to maintain his nerve as replied. "I love ya too Dougie." He grabbed him tightly and planted his lips against the surprised mouth of his partner. Doug froze, unable to comprehend what was happening through the drunken fog in his brain. He could feel the pressure of the younger man against his lips, he could feel them begin to part, allowing Tom's tongue to enter into his mouth hungrily. He could feel his own body begin to respond, his arms tightening around his friend as the kiss became more heated, more urgent. But he felt strangely detached from the actions, like his body had been possessed by some primal force. That fear was enough to snap him out of it. He pulled back suddenly, leaving Tom alone on the couch.
"What the hell was that Tommy?" he demanded, not noticing the look of rejection that was creeping across the younger man's face.
Tom could not bring himself to look at Doug. He stared nervously at the floor, rubbing the back of his neck absentmindedly as he tried to find the right words. "I don't know Doug, I just…you were sitting there…and I…I wanted you, you know…I just…I'm sorry." he stuttered apologetically.
Doug just stood there, dazed, still not quite grasping what had just occurred. He looked over at Tom, a strange feeling of guilt rolling over him as he saw the expression on his face. He looked so frail, so hurt, nothing like the smiling young man who had just occupied the space. Doug sat back down on the couch, maintaining a distance between him and his partner. His head began to hurt as he tried to process this new information. Tom was gay? or bisexual? And he was attracted to him? How long had Tom felt this way, and more importantly, why had he never noticed? He began to rub his temples as he attempted at find the courage to speak.
"Tom, why did you do that? You know I'm not gay, or bi, or whatever you are. I love you man, but not like that. You're my best friend." he finally spoke, fixing his gaze on Tom as he waited for a reaction. "I'm not mad or anything, really, I just…I don't understand." he added quickly, truly not wanting to hurt his friend.
Tom could feel his heart begin to break at the sound of his partner's voice. How could he explain that he was in love with him. He had loved Doug for so long that he couldn't even remember when it had begun, it was just an essential part of his being now. He loved everything about the older man, his voice, his stupid jokes, the way his hair was always perfectly styled, even when everything else around him was in a state of chaos. Doug was everything to him, the one bright light in a world full of darkness. But that was over now. He had fucked it up just like everything else in his life. He sighed as he finally raised his eyes from the floor, turning his head to meet Doug's gaze. He might as well come clean now, there was no point in trying to hide anymore.
"Doug, I'm bisexual. I always have been, it's just not something I go around bragging about. I started to like you not long after we met, but obviously I kept that to myself. But over the years, my feelings grew and it's gotten more difficult to keep my secret. You don't know how many times I've wanted to tell you, but I was always silenced by this little voice in the back of my mind telling me that you wouldn't feel the same. I should have listened to it tonight, but I lost control. I just wanted you so badly. I don't know if this is the liquor talking, but for a minute there, when you started to kiss me back, I thought you wanted me too. Obviously, I was wrong."
Doug sat in silence, stunned at Tom's admission. He barely noticed as Tom rose from the couch and began to stumble over to the closet to retrieve his coat. He quickly came to as he realized that Tom was trying to leave.
"Tommy, what the hell do you think you're doing? You're not going anywhere, you're too drunk to drive and you'll never get a cab this late at night." Doug said, grabbing his partner roughly by the arm and dragging him back to the couch, pushing him back into his seat.
Tom started to speak, wanting to protest, but he stopped when he saw the serious look on Doug's face. He knew there was no point in arguing with him right now, not when he was like this. He shrugged his coat back off, tossing it over the back of the cushion as he kicked off his shoes and brought his knees to his chest. His mind swam with all the things he wanted to say, but he didn't bother. He just looked up at his partner, his brown eyes filled with sadness. "Go away Doug, I just want to go to sleep." With that, he lay down on the couch, wrapping his arms around his chest as he turned to face the cushion.
Doug's heart sank at the sight of Tom lying there, broken and defeated. He wanted to reach out to the young man, to comfort him, but he just couldn't do it. He was too upset, too confused by everything that had just happened. He sighed as he reached over to turn off the lamp. He began to walk to his bedroom, when he heard a muffled sob come from the still figure on the sofa. His voice began to break as he spoke into the darkness. "Tommy, I'm sorry. I just...I don't know what else to say. I can't really process this right now. I need some time to think."
He heard a small mumble of response from Tom. He sighed as he turned and disappeared into his bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind him. He fell back onto his bed, his brain a jumble of thoughts. How had this happened? An hour ago he was slamming back shots with his best friend, and now they were barely speaking. Why had Tommy kissed him, why now? He shuddered as a new though rolled into his mind. Why had he kissed him back? He had, he couldn't really deny it. But why? He wasn't gay. He loved women, he loved everything about them. But he couldn't really argue the fact that when Tommy's lips had pressed against his own, he had felt a fire begin to flow through him, a feeling unlike anything he had ever felt before. He tried to shake the thought from his mind, but it kept returning as the image of his friend came to him. Tommy. He was his best friend, his partner. But he was so much more, he was the one person he could truly be honest with, the one person who saw through the bullshit and knew him for the person he really was. Tom was always there for him, and now Doug knew why. He was in love with him. He couldn't believe he had never noticed it before. But as he thought back over the past few years, he began to see that the signs were there, he had just never made the connection. The way Tom looked at him, the way he always found ways to touch him, the little pokes and punches. It was obvious now that it had been his small attempt at flirting. Doug smiled a little at the thought, oddly flattered, but still curious as to why. He tried to make sense of the mess that currently occupied his mind. He had almost fallen asleep when a sudden realization hit him like a ton of bricks. He jolted awake as it hit him. He loved Tom. He didn't know when it had happened or how, but he loved him. It was the combination of a million little moments, their conversations, the laughter and the pain they had shared through the years. He finally admitted to himself that over the years there had even been moments when he had actually found himself attracted to the younger man. He had always quickly pushed those thoughts away, justifying them by blaming alcohol or sheer loneliness. But he couldn't lie to himself anymore, the attraction was real. Strange and completely foreign to him, but real. He quickly sat up in his bed, overtaken by this epiphany. He rushed out to the living room to talk to Tom, but it was too late. The younger man was gone, having quietly slipped out of the apartment a few minutes after Doug had gone in his bedroom. Doug could feel the panic rising up in his chest as the thought of Tom being behind the wheel entered his mind. He raced over to his window, throwing open the curtain to reveal Tom's mustang, still parked in its spot. A small amount of relief washed over him at the sight, realizing that Tom would never have driven home, not as drunk as he had been. But his relief was short lived as he realized that Tom had been so desperate to leave that he had snuck out like a child. What if he had ruined things, if he had missed his chance? He glanced at the clock, realizing that Tom would be most likely be home by now if he had gotten a cab. He grabbed the phone, quickly dialing his partner's number. The line rang a few times before Doug heard the click of the answering machine "This is Tom, you know what to do."
Doug waited for the beep. "Tom, listen, I really need to talk to you. Please call me back as soon as you get this. It's important. Please call me back." he spoke into the machine, trying to hide the desperation in his voice. He hung up the phone gently. He wanted to jump on his bike and go find Tom, but he was well aware that he was way too hammered to drive. He sighed as he lay down on the couch, feeling exhaustion begin to take him over. He pulled the phone closer, not wanting to miss Tom's call. He slowly closed his eyes and surrendered himself to the darkness.
He had woken up late the next morning, instantly remembering the previous night's events. His heart sank a bit as he realized that Tom had not called, checking the answering machine just in case he had slept through the ring. "Maybe he never heard the message." Doug thought hopefully. He wanted to pick up the phone and call the younger man, but he stopped himself. It would be better to do this in person. He glanced out the window, seeing that Tom's car was now gone. He rushed around his apartment getting ready before he jumped on his bike and headed over to Tom's apartment. He could feel the anticipation building in his chest as he climbed the stairs, reaching a peak as he knocked on his friend's door. He was surprised when the door swung open, revealing the messy apartment. Doug entered, not really noticing anything amiss. He knocked softly on Tom's bedroom door, not wanting to scare him if he was asleep. He got no response. He knocked a little louder, calling Tommy's name, but still he heard nothing. He swung the door open, finding only an empty bed. It was still made, making Doug realize that Tom had not slept in it. Doug looked around the room once more, searching for some answer as to where his friend might be. He got it when he saw that the closet door was ajar. He opened the door only to find empty drawers and hangers. Doug began to panic as he walked back into the living room, finding that things were missing from the rest of the apartment as well. The records and tapes had been removed from their shelves, the books and movies as well. The small stand that usually held the framed pictures of his mother and father now held only dust. Doug sat down on the floor as he realized that Tom was gone. He had left and he wasn't coming back.
Doug spent the next two days trying to locate his friend, checking in with all of their friends and co-workers, visiting all of their usual haunts. But there had been no sign of Tommy anywhere. He had even called Tom's mother, hoping that he would have at least told her where he was going. But all she could tell him was that Tom had called her that night, upset and crying, promising to call her again as soon as he could. Doug's fears were finally confirmed when he arrived at the chapel on Monday morning, only to find Tom's gun and badge lying on his desk beside a small folded piece of paper addressed to him. He could feel the tears beginning to well behind his eyes as he gently unfolded the piece of paper.
Doug,
I'm sorry, but I just can't be here anymore. It's so much more than I can handle. You were the one thing that kept me sane in all of this insanity. But I fucked that up, I know that now. Please just try to find it in your heart to forgive me and please just forget about Friday night. It was a mistake, one that I will regret for the rest of my life. Goodbye my friend.
Love, Tom
He refolded the paper, sliding the note into his pocket. He felt the tears begin to escape their prison, streaming down his cheeks freely now. He was thankful that no one else was in the chapel as he dropped into his chair, placing his face in his hands as he wept. His heart was aching, a mixture of sorrow and anger, anger at himself, and anger at Tom. "It wasn't a mistake." he thought to himself. "You never even gave me a chance to tell you that." He tried to compose himself, wiping his cheeks and and putting on a calm face. He sat there, alone, waiting to break the news to the rest of the crew.
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- 6
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A New Beginning