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Falling Apart	By : cowgirl65 Category: 1 through F > The Big Valley Views: 1167 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own The Big Valley and make no money from writing this

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
Jarrod glared when his brother barged into his room without knocking, but didn’t dignify the intrusion with any sort of acknowledgement and returned his attention to the paper on his desk.
“Okay, Jarrod, time to go.” Nick snatched the pencil out of his brother’s hand.
Jarrod bit back an angry retort, but still snapped, “I’ve got a lot of work to do before I leave. I’m not going anywhere.”
Nick planted both hands on the desk and leaned forward. “Oh, yes you are. All work and no play makes Jarrod a dull boy and you’ve been more uptight than usual.”
Jarrod’s hand clenched angrily. How dare Nick try to tell him how to run his life? He’d been through Hell, given up someone who meant more to him than his own life to try and set things right and Nick was preaching to him? A little part of him reminded that Nick had no idea of what happened and that his brother was just trying to help, but he ignored it. “Leave me alone, Nick.”
“Like Hell I will.” Nick grabbed Jarrod by the shirtfront and hauled him out of the chair. “You’ve been holed up in your room or your office for the past week. You all of a sudden decide to move and go into politics, you’ve hardly been eating and…” Nick took a sniff and wrinkled his nose in disgust. “…you smell like a distillery.”
Jarrod brought his arms up and broke Nick’s hold. “Dammit, why don’t you listen? I said leave me alone!” His head snapped backwards as Nick’s fist collided with his chin and Jarrod fell back into the chair.
“You can make this easy or you can make this hard,” Nick informed him. “I’m prepared to drag you out of here and hogtie you to Jingo’s back if I have to.”
Jarrod shook his head to clear it. His first instinct was to get up and hit back, but then he wondered why he should even bother. It would be easier to go along and humour his brother. Surely he’d be able to put on a good face for an afternoon of fishing or whatever else Nick had in mind.
“All right, Nick. You win.” He pushed himself to his feet. “Lead the way.”
“That’s more like it.” Nick strode out of Jarrod’s room, down the stairs and outside with Jarrod reluctantly following.
The lawyer froze. Jingo was already saddled with a bedroll and full saddlebag attached and Dave was mounted beside on his own horse, holding the sorrel’s reins.
“Jarrod.” Dave’s face was grim and his blue eyes were like steel.
Jarrod’s mouth grew dry and his stomach tightened. Nick grabbed his arm to stop him from bolting.
“Are you gonna come peacefully?” When Jarrod didn’t respond, Dave added, “I don’t reckon the sheriff should aid and abet a kidnapping, but that’s what I’ll do if it’s the only way to get you alone and figure out what’s going on in that thick skull of yours.”
Jarrod wanted to run. He wanted to fight his way free of Nick’s grasp, away from Dave’s eyes that seemed to bore right into his soul, away from the nightmares that seemed to come whenever they wanted.
“I told you I was willing to hogtie you to that saddle,” Nick reminded him.
Jarrod looked from one unyielding face to the other and suddenly got angry. “Fine,” he snarled. “I don’t know what the two of you are trying to prove, but fine.” He stalked over to his horse, tore the reins from Dave’s hand and swung into the saddle. Kicking Jingo sharply, he sent the sorrel into a gallop without looking back. Jarrod could hear the hoofbeats of Dave’s buckskin behind him, but didn’t bother to turn around.
They rode in silence until the horses started to tire.
“You got a destination in mind?”
Jarrod slowed Jingo to a walk. “Does it matter?” he asked bitterly. “It’s not like I have any say in all of this.”
“Just like I had a say when you called it quits?”
Jarrod cringed at the pain in the soft drawl and finally looked over, but Dave was looking straight ahead. He’d already given Dave a reason, but it seemed like he didn’t believe Jarrod’s lie any more than Silas believed the story about the door. “Dave, I…” He hadn’t been able to tell the truth before and wasn’t sure he could now either. “I don’t know how else to explain,” he finished.
Dave grabbled Jingo’s bridle and hauled him to a stop. He dismounted, came over and dragged Jarrod out of the saddle. “Then try, dammit!” he yelled in Jarrod’s s face as he gripped his shoulders tightly. “Five years together, I think I deserve more than ‘I just can’t have you in my life anymore’!” He shoved Jarrod against Jingo before turning away.
He only took a few steps before he turned back. “I love you, Jarrod, more than I’ve ever loved anything except my son.” The pain in Dave’s eyes went straight through Jarrod. “Love you enough to let you go if that’s what you really want, but I need to know why. I think I deserve at least that much.”
Jarrod couldn’t face him anymore and turned away to clutch the saddlehorn. “I’m tainted, Dave,” he finally managed, “and I’ve tainted you, too. I convinced myself otherwise for so long but…” His voice caught in his throat as the memory of being bent over his desk and raped threatened to overwhelm him. He remembered every word that his attacker said and they reverberated in his head. Fucking sodomite. “I love you enough to walk away and let you have a normal life.”

Dave was stunned. Every moment of the past five years since he’d found Jarrod replayed in his mind as he tried to think of anything he’d done to give Jarrod the impression that he had any doubts about their relationship. He came up empty.
“I kissed you first.” Dave walked up behind Jarrod and gently but firmly gripped his upper arms. “Back in the sheriff’s office in Rimfire when we were helping Wong Lo.” He brushed his lips across the back of Jarrod’s neck. “And I seem to recall making the first move that night.” He felt Jarrod shudder as he wrapped his arms around his chest. “You weren’t the first man in my life but I’ll be dammed if you aren’t the last.”
Jarrod was trembling in his arms and Dave knew it wasn’t from overwhelming passion. Something happened in San Francisco that had left his lover beaten and battered not just physically, but emotionally as well, and it wasn’t from just being robbed. “I can’t make you tell me what happened,” he murmured in Jarrod’s ear, “and I can’t make you take me back. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want me anymore and I’ll walk away without another word.”
Jarrod stared to shake with repressed sobs and Dave turned him to pull him tight to his chest. He didn’t know how long they stood there, but eventually Jarrod relaxed into his arms and Dave was relieved he didn’t try to pull away. Loosening his grip, Dave softly kissed the tears off Jarrod’s cheeks. “Why don’t we make camp here?” he suggested. “We can talk after we eat something as long as you promise not to run away.” Jarrod nodded.
It wasn’t ideal, but they were amongst some large rocks in a stand of trees and Dave heard a stream not too far away. Nothing was said as they unsaddled the horses, nothing needed to be. They divided up the camp chores in unspoken agreement and soon Dave was dishing out the meal he’d prepared over the fire.
“That bad?” he asked Jarrod after watching the other man push his food around his plate for a few minutes without tasting it.

“What?” Jarrod looked up and it took a few minutes for the words to register. “No, it’s fine.” He took a bite to make Dave happy. Dave continued to watch him like a hawk and Jarrod ate a bit more under his gaze before setting the plate down. “Guess I’m just not hungry.”
Dave stared into the flames. “Did you see much action during the war? We’ve never really talked about it.”
Jarrod wondered why Dave was asking. He knew from Daniel that Dave had received the Medal of Honour, but he’d never asked and Dave hadn’t volunteered to talk about it until now. “A bit. I was stationed in Washington for most of it, but I was in the fighting around Richmond.”
“My unit was at Fredericksburg. Marye’s Heights.” Dave was silent for a moment and Jarrod remembered the reports from that ill-fated battle. That day the Union army lost more than 8 000 men due to Confederate soldiers entrenched behind the stone wall. “We watched our companions cut down by enemy fire and then had to just leave them lying there. I can still hear the cries for help sometimes.” Dave caught Jarrod’s gaze. “I had a buddy, my tentmate.” The corner of his mouth lifted a bit. “I have to be honest, we shared more than the tent.” Dave stared at the flames again. “A few days after the battle was over, a sniper got one of the others in our unit right in front of Pete. I think that might have been one thing too much for him to handle. He stopped eating, just like you. He shut everyone out, just like you. And one night, I heard a shot not far from camp. When I went to check it out, I found Pete, gun in his hand. He’d blown the back of his head clean off.” Dave dragged a hand across his face. “I don’t know what I’d do if you did the same.”
Jarrod stared down at his hands. “I’ve thought about it,” he admitted, “more than once since my father was killed. But you don’t have to worry.” He looked up at Dave. “I decided a long time ago that it didn’t matter how much pain I was feeling, I couldn’t do that to my family.”
Dave let out a sigh and Jarrod realized how much worry he’d caused. “I’m sorry, Dave,” he whispered.
Dave moved closer and gripped Jarrod’s hands “You aren’t tainted, Jarrod, and I know I’m a better man for having you in my life. You don’t need to tell me about it, but let me be here for you. Let me love you.”
The walls Jarrod had tried to build crumbled as Dave leaned over and took his mouth in a sensual kiss. When the kiss ended, Jarrod rested his forehead against Dave’s. He closed his eyes tightly as he confessed, “I wasn’t robbed. I was… I was raped. After my client was found guilt of sodomy, I don’t know if you read about it. He said he was punishing me for the sins of the man who must have raped him.”

Dave didn’t know what to say or even if there was anything he could say. He just continued to hold Jarrod close.
“A crime against nature,” Jarrod continued, “that’s what everyone calls it, the law, society…”
“Not your family,” Dave reminded him. “Nick was the one who insisted I had to get you alone and helped me do it. And not Daniel, either.” Jarrod looked up at him in shock. “My boy’s smart. Reckon it was hard for him not to notice, no matter how careful we were.” Dave smiled. “He talked to me before he left for college. Made me promise we’d look after each other, since he wasn’t going to be there to do it for us.” He was happy to feel tension drain from Jarrod. “And sometimes the law and society ain’t right. Slave owners used the Bible to justify their view that Negroes weren’t people like the rest of us and you and I should know better than anyone how the State feels about the Chinese. Are we that much different?”
“Dave, I’ve acted horribly…” Jarrod began and Dave cut him off with another kiss.
“You’ve acted like someone who’s had horrible things done to him,” Dave corrected. “You’re one of the toughest men I know, Jarrod. Most would be reduced to gibbering idiots by now.” Jarrod chuckled at that and Dave added slyly, “But I’d like you to reduce me to one.” He knew Jarrod took things to heart and it was easy for his lover to feel guilty over things that he had no control over. What happened to Jarrod was horrific, but Dave intended to make him see how much he was loved and needed.
Anxiety flitted across Jarrod’s face. Dave leaned over and kissed him tenderly. “You know I won’t ask you to do anything you don’t want to,” he said softly, “and I’d never do anything to you that you didn’t agree to. But if you did want to…” Dave’s mouth sought Jarrod’s and when Jarrod responded with the intensity of a starving man, Dave reached around to pull him tight. Jarrod was rarely the aggressor in their lovemaking and that generally suited Dave, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to be on the receiving end from time to time. And Jarrod needed to know that Dave knew exactly what he was doing. “I want you in me, lover,” he murmured in Jarrod’s ear. “But only if you’re up for it.”

Jarrod looked into Dave’s eyes and saw the hunger they didn’t bother to conceal. “Are you sure…?”
“Do I ever suggest anything if I’m not?”
Jarrod trembled as Dave unbuttoned his shirt to run his fingers across his chest. He didn’t understand why he was so anxious until Dave told him, “I want this, Jarrod. I want you. You don’t have to worry about hurting me or that this isn’t what I choose on my own.” Jarrod almost collapsed with relief as Dave took his hand and guided it to his crotch and the unmistakable hardness there.
He’d never forced Dave into anything, he realized with a touch of shame at his hubris in believing he’d coerced the other man into loving him. “I don’t deserve you,” Jarrod whispered as Dave’s hand left his to finish removing his shirt and start on his pants. He palmed Dave’s shaft through his trousers, inhaling sharply when his cock was released and Dave started rolling the ring between his fingers.
Jarrod managed to remove his pants and boots the rest of the way before divesting Dave of his clothing. Bodies plastered together, their mouths sought each other eagerly and Dave manoeuvred Jarrod until he felt his back against one of the saddles. Dave’s lips left his and he flashed a sexy smile.
“Reckon I should get you ready for the main event.” Bending over, Dave took Jarrod’s cock in his mouth and sucked greedily. He reached back to finger Jarrod’s ass at the same time. Jarrod twined his fingers in Dave’s hair and absorbed the pleasure he was being given. Nothing had ever felt so right as being with Dave and he was fortunate Dave cared enough not to let him throw it all away.
Dave pulled on the ring with his lips as he let Jarrod go and moved up to straddle his legs. Jarrod held Dave’s hips to steady him while Dave held Jarrod’s cock firmly as he slowly lowered himself down.
The pierced tip slid easily into Dave and Jarrod groaned with the pressure from the ring inside his penis and the tightness of Dave’s ass. He watched, mesmerized, as his shaft disappeared inside his lover.
“Damn, Dave,” he muttered when he was fully sheathed in Dave’s hot flesh.
Dave just gave him another of those smiles, put his hands on Jarrod’s shoulders and began to ride him. Jarrod tried to match his thrusts to Dave’s movements.
“I love you, Jarrod,” Dave moaned as their momentum built, “I love filling you and I love being filled by you.” Then he gasped as Jarrod shifted his hips. “And damn, that pierced cock of yours stroking me is heaven.” Jarrod watched Dave’s cock swell even larger. He slid a hand around to grasp the engorged shaft as it started to pulse.
“Jarrroddd,” Dave groaned as he drove himself hard onto Jarrod’s cock and his semen shot out hard enough to splatter across Jarrod’s face.
The sight and feel of Dave’s cum and the contractions of Dave’s ass squeezing his cock pushed Jarrod over the edge and his seed spewed into his lover.
Dave didn’t move off. He held himself tightly on Jarrod’s lap, keeping his cock firmly inside as he leaved over and kissed the semen off Jarrod’s face. “Don’t ever doubt how good we are together,” he murmured.
“I promise, Dave.”
“Good.” Dave kissed Jarrod again before rising to his feet. They unrolled their blankets and didn’t bother putting any clothes back on before crawling underneath. The shared heat of their bodies would be enough to keep them warm.
“Y’know, maybe I should make sure you don’t ever try leaving me again,” Dave mused, his lips caressing Jarrod’s neck. “You were planning to disappear off to Sacramento. Do you think anyone would notice if I just took you off somewhere instead, tied you up and kept you for myself?” His hand slid down Jarrod’s hip. “Or maybe a brand right here so you never forget you’re mine. A ‘B’ that anyone who sees it will think is ‘Barkley’, but you’d know that it stood for ‘Barrett’.”
Jarrod felt himself becoming aroused again as Dave murmured increasingly erotic suggestions into his ear while his hand continued to stroke him. and he wondered if all the other men he’d been with were just a prelude so they could be together. Dave was right; the law had unfairly judged those who were different before. Maybe someday men wouldn’t be judged harshly due to those differences. Maybe someday they could show the world how much they meant to each other, but until then, Jarrod vowed he would hold on to what he and Dave shared and never let go.
- 5
- 6
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Falling Apart