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Occupation of the Mind	By : Jack-O-Lantern Category: Star Trek > Deep Space 9 Views: 666 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: DS9, nor the characters from it (save for the OC I created within the bounds of the established universe). I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Chapter Six
I woke to chatter and movement. White light blinded me and I became aware of the cool air puffing against my nose and mouth and the straps fitting the mask over me. “He’s coming to, can you hear me?”
“Mn…”
“Lie still. You sustained significant injury.” A Cardassian’s face flashed in front of my eyes. I drew a deep gasp. The instinct to scream had been transformed long ago—screams only seemed to provoke them. “Easy now. You’re fine. You’re safe.” Dr. Bashir’s face swam into view. The medical bay. How’d I get there? What was happening? There were a quick succession of images, more feeling than memory, that disappeared just as quickly, leaving me grasping only at shreds of them, struggling to remember what I’d only just seen. “Do you remember what happened?” What happened? I gazed down at my arms, becoming more aware of the ache I felt in them and in my chest every time I took a breath. The concept of before now seemed confusing. I struggled to think of anything but what was happening in that moment. Clearly something very wrong had happened, but my mind seemed blank.
“I don’t know. I got a few flashes of images in my mind but they were so quick. I think I remember a Cardassian man…I can’t remember anything else. ”
“Well, what is the last thing you can confidently remember?” What did I remember? As broken images flashed through my mind, I wasn’t sure even in what order any of them had happened. What did I last remember? I remembered the Promenade, but not confidently. Just a moment without context, no knowledge of my thoughts or destination. What before that?
Gul Dukat.
“I was in my room,” I started, “speaking with Gul Dukat.”
“When about was that?” It felt a strain to dredge up the information.
“Early evening… We met up right after my shift ended.”
“Can you remember what you were doing? What you may have been talking about?” I remembered his fingers moving across my face after an uncomfortable meal. I remembered him tucking my hair behind my ear and me wanting to turn away from him. I remembered reliving the past with him.
“Yes…I remember. It wasn’t anything important.” I felt a deep pain I’d do anything to get rid of.
“What was Gul Dukat doing in your quarters anyway? If you don’t mind my asking.”
“He was just seeing how I was doing,” I shrugged, fingers twitching with want to grip my arm. He thought it strange? Of course he did. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. Thinking was difficult. Thinking was painful.
“So it was a friendly visit?” Dr. Bashir probed. I stared at the floor.
“Yes.”
“You mentioned remembering a Cardassian man. Was it Gul Dukat? Did he accompany you to the holosuite?” Holosuite?
“I don’t remember going to the holosuite. But I am sure he wouldn’t have…”
“Do you remember discussing anything relating to what may have happened? Did you perhaps mention plans for visiting the holosuite? Was there a particular subject that came up that gave you the idea? Were you upset and needed to vent? Anything?” I fixed my gaze away from him.
“I don’t remember.” I remembered how his touch made me feel. I remembered how it made me squirm inside. I remembered wondering if this was my life now, my own private, continued servitude. A comfort away from home to him. “I don’t remember anything.”
“Do you have any reason to believe that either he or one of his crew did something to hurt you in the holosuite?”
“He would never. I can’t really say anything without remembering, but I know he wouldn’t have been violent towards me.”
“You’re sure about that?”
“Yes. He’s never hurt me before even though he’s had every opportunity. If someone hurt me, it wasn’t him.”
“I see. Well security should be finishing up their interview of Quark shortly. Hopefully we’ll have some more answers. In the meantime, rest. I’m keeping you under observation for now.”
The investigation revealed the safeties had been switched off. Quark saw no one enter with me or tamper with the panel. But he did reveal that upon entering he saw not the Human characters that there were supposed to be, but Cardassians. All of whom disappeared upon ending the program. That explained the Cardassian faces I remembered. But now eyes turned to me as they sought the answer for who altered the program. And of course, it only followed that whomever altered the program must have tampered with the safety features as well.
I felt shame under their careful questions, but I could not confirm or deny the implied guilt. Nevertheless I was released that morning. Dr. Bashir deemed me stable enough to leave. He couldn’t say whether or not my memory would return, but it was not so bad. It was a localized memory wipe; I still remembered everything else up to a little bit before the incident.
However, before I left, he told me that he’d found a piece of Cardassian technology in my head when scanning my head injury. He said he wasn’t familiar with it, but it seemed to be a tracking device. He asked if I was aware of what it was for. I hadn’t even known it was there. I wondered when they’d put that in, how long I’d had it. He asked me if I suffered headaches, dizziness, nausea—no. He said it didn’t appear to be disrupting anything, but that if I’d like he could remove it. I thought about it. Having something of theirs in my head, put there unbeknownst to me. A reminder of their ownership of me. But I declined. It didn’t matter. They weren’t here anymore. They weren’t keeping track of me, and Dukat didn’t need a tracker to know I was here. It seemed a wasted effort and the least of my worries. Dr. Bashir told me I was free to change my mind at any time and shortly after, I left.
I trudged over to Quark’s. I wouldn’t be able to return to work for a few days. I could only imagine how disappointed he’d be. Especially with all the trouble I’d apparently caused as well. Had I really tampered with the program and the settings?
Our eyes met. He came right at me, looking furious. He had never directed that expression towards me before and it rooted me to the spot. A familiar heaviness settled in my legs and a calm quiet overcame me as I waited for the storm.
“What in the world were you thinking?” he hissed. “There was no one else around but you, and it worked fine all day. You’re responsible aren’t you?”
I couldn’t look at him as I said, “I can’t remember. I don’t remember hardly anything until a couple hours before.”
“Isn’t that convenient,” he scoffed.
“It’s true. I’m sorry.” My eyes watered down at the ground. “But if it was my fault, I’m really sorry for causing you trouble.” Quark sighed.
“Well, there’s no one else it could have been. I guess there’s no use asking why you did it—”
“I’m sorry.”
“Well don’t do it again! I can’t have anyone dying in my holosuites. You know how bad that would be for business? Who’s going to want to relax in a killer holosuite?” He looked me over and gestured at me. “And on top of that you’re completely useless to me. How long you gonna be out for?”
“They said three days.”
“Three—” he sighed. “Fine. Just come back when you can. Remember: I gave you a job as a favor. Another stunt like this and you’re fired.”
“Yes, sir,” I whimpered and turned away before he could see me lose composure. Tears broke over my cheeks and I gritted my teeth against the sobs that wanted to accompany them. I’d made myself useless to the only person I had here. What had I been thinking?
I gingerly dabbed at my eyes and sniffed, trying to normalize my face until I reached my quarters. And who was there to intercept me?
As I entered the dark room I spotted the lone figure on my couch. My heart started and adrenaline twisted up with the despair. He turned to me. “Gul Dukat… How did you—” He stood and approached me as I remained frozen just inside the door. He folded me into his shadow, chin resting atop my head and I broke down. He petted my hair and let me cry to my heart’s content. It seemed endless. I didn’t think it’d ever stop. I glanced up past him through portholes out into the vast blackness of space and thought that my future was just as empty.
My injured limb hung between us. He was careful not to press against it. Eventually, he tried to coax me to speech. “What happened?”
“I don’t know,” I sniffled. “I can’t really remember. I got hurt in the holosuite. They said the safety settings were turned off. No one was there but me. I think they think I did it.”
“That’s ridiculous. Why would you do that?”
“I don’t know.” He smiled and rubbed his thumb over my cheek.
“No matter. I’m glad you’re alright.”
He sat me down, asked me again to tell him what happened. I told him what I could, but knew I’d be unable to satisfy his desire for details. I confirmed my memory loss, telling him I remembered “just flashes.” I’d remember quick clips. I remembered the faces of nameless Cardassians. I remembered a strange backdrop that wasn’t the space station that would fade when I tried to make anything out. I left out the race I saw in these flashes.
I was, however, able to tell him what injuries I had sustained, courtesy of Dr. Bashir. I told him about the broken arm, the sprained wrist, the bruised and fractured ribs, the fractured skull and concussion. Cosmetically, the doctor had fixed me so it was indiscernible. I looked just as I had before. Everything else had been fixed as well, but needed time to set and strengthen. I still felt a great deal of soreness, and of course suffered memory problems which might or might not resolve. I thought about asking him about the implant, but decided that even if he knew about it, it didn’t matter.
Gul Dukat expressed great sympathy for his bird with broken wings. And now he had all the reason to stay with me and provide. He made my meals, he fed me, he spent the night with me to ensure I was alright. I felt like his little hobby, though I couldn’t find where he derived his enjoyment from.
I woke to breakfast and he expressed a whimsical desire to take me to one of his favorite places on Cardassia Prime where apparently the food was excellent. The knowledge that I could never go there hung silent in the air behind his enthusiastically-proclaimed wish.
He raised the fork to my mouth and I saw a nameless Cardassian smack me across the face where a dull ache flared as I flinched away. “What’s wrong?” The Cardassian was someone with rank. The collar of his uniform looked strange. I was in a chair. Bound. The scope of my memory broadened from tunnel vision to the whole scene. I remembered him pacing. I remembered being beaten.
I shook my head. “I think my memory’s trying to come back.”
Over the next few days it did. Not completely. Details were fuzzy. But I remembered enough to have a rough outline of events. I couldn’t recall most of what was said in the program, but I did remember feeling guilty and worthless, like I deserved whatever came to me. So I still didn’t remember exactly what I had been thinking or planning, but I understood on an emotional level. The feelings without words. That I was looking for punishment for what I was.
I wasn’t able to give Starfleet a satisfying conclusion. If I remembered anything specific, I promised to come forward, but as of then, I couldn’t explain what had happened or confirm my guilt. That was the way it had to stay.
Meanwhile I had gone back to work to a lukewarm attitude. Quark seemed to pay me little mind and spoke to me only when necessary before running off. He hated me now. He couldn’t stand to be around me after what I’d done. How could I? What am I going to do now? I’d ruined the only thing I had here.
It was more difficult to get through that day than any other day. The rest of the week didn’t pan out any better. Worse, I’d met the station’s Commander, Sisko, as the pet of the station’s former Prefect. I can’t imagine he could have any respect for me standing at Gul Dukat’s side as I was. I wondered, with shame as they talked, if he’d heard of my ‘accident’. They must all think I deserve this. After all, I wasn’t trying to get away from him and I was causing trouble.
He’d offered his hand to me and I glanced at Gul Dukat who gave me a slight nod. Commander Sisko’s grip was firm, but gentle. It was like touching freedom with the weight of a shackle still heavy around my wrist. An idea I was allowed to get close to, and idea that was offered me, but an idea that would never be allowed to become a reality. I felt very much undeserving of his acknowledgement. I didn’t want to feel owned, but I didn’t know any other way to behave. I didn’t know why I turned out this way. I didn’t know why I was so broken.
The Bajorans that were on the station…I glimpsed their stares, the subtle pointing, the whispers. There was one Bajoran patron at Quark’s that, once I arrived to wait on her, stood and walked out. It was happening again… My own people were coming to hate me… The utter isolation I had felt became monumental in that moment. Shunned for the second time by the only people I had any sort of connection to, by a people with whom I shared the greatest tragedy of our history.
During the occupation, some time after Gul Dukat had taken me under his wing, the rest of the prisoners had caught on. It never took long for any of us to catch on to changes. After all such things could mean life or death. I had become something that might mean death. They knew to steer clear of me. They knew to fall silent when I moved into view. It hurt. I’d suffered abuses, the loss of my family, had to play entertainer for a man who could decide to kill me at a moment’s notice and then my own people abandoned me. I was truly alone.
But the true horror had come when, after a while of kindness, Gul Dukat suggested that in the best interests of everyone involved, I should inform him if any of the “workers” planned anything. If a crime was committed, innocent Cardassian lives could be lost, and he’d be forced to punish those responsible, and if the culprit wasn’t found, an innocent would have to be punished in his stead to act as a deterrent. Not only could I not betray my people like that, but with how they’d avoided me, it’d be impossible to discover any plans. I worried that if they did something, Dukat would have me executed for covering up.
I’d broken down in front of him. I’d begged his forgiveness. I’d explained my uselessness to him. I spilled my fears of being falsely accused when the fact was I was kept from knowing. I’d dug my fingernails into my face as I sobbed apologies into my palms, knowing my death sentence had been written out.
The man had picked me up from his feet. He’d hushed me as I sobbed over and over, “I don’t want to die!” He’d apologized, and admitted it wasn’t fair of him to put me in that position. He’d sworn that if anything happened that I didn’t know about I wouldn’t be punished. I’d asked him how I could possibly prove my innocence to him in that event. After all, what reason had he to take me at my word and only that? There would be no evidence that could prove my ignorance. He’d promised me that he’d be fair, that he could tell if I was lying, but had faith in my good and honest nature. I wouldn’t be punished for what I didn’t know, but I had to promise to tell if I did hear of anything. After that, I was glad to be shunned. I didn’t want to be faced with the choice of my life or theirs. Unfortunately, others felt differently about me.
When an attempt was made on my life, Gul Dukat drew me back to his side of the station and there I remained. Gul Dukat had overflowed with sympathy for the betrayal I’d experienced. “How could they do that to one of their own?” I resigned myself to the protection of the Cardassian Prefect.
But those who had known me as Dukat’s companion were long gone from this station. I’d been able to start with a clean slate. I was able to fly under the radar, no one actively avoided me, stared at me, or attacked me. But that was over. Dukat had seen to that. Once more he had disgraced me to my people. He was destroying me. What there was left of me.
Gul Dukat’s time with me once more came to a close. He bid me farewell and left me with promises of future returns and correspondences during his absences. I felt his noose swing under my chin and tighten. There was no escaping for me. I smiled and uttered my scripted answers. Though he left, I still felt his firm grip on my leash. I went up on deck to watch his ship leave. I was never going to feel normal was I? This resolution I was seeking. It’d never come…
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Occupation of the Mind