Angel

ANGELBy Morticia

ANGEL

By Morticia

Part 27 - 30

Disclaimers see Part 1

 

KATHRYN

When I returned to Voyager from the surface of
V'rakn, I had a long conference with the Doctor and then gathered
my thoughts before summoning Chakotay to my ready room.

"Captain?" He said questioningly as
he entered.

"Call me Kathryn," I replied gently,
gesturing him to a seat "Coffee? Tea?"

"Tea, thank you. What’s this about?
Are you ready to tell me why we’ve come here?" Chakotay
asked

I knew that he’d been dying of curiosity
since my abrupt course change but he’d respected my refusal
to explain.

"Yes, and I appreciate the fact that you
didn’t question my decision not to tell you before."

Chakotay gave me a wide, lazy smile

"You’re the Captain, anyway I figured
you’d tell me sooner or later."

I handed him his tea and was careful to wait
until he had put it down on the table before I continued to speak

"We came here for Tom. The Y'ndorians told
me that there was a chance of a cure for him here and I have been
down there discussing the matter with the V'rakn'hal
government."

"What did they say? Can they cure
him?" Chakotay nearly shouted, jerking in his seat with
excitement.

"Perhaps. It’s not as straightforward
as I was hoping. There are several problems. First off, they can
definitely cure Tom’s condition but there’s only a
50/50 chance of him being better off because of the
procedure."

"The operation was a success but the
patient died?" Chakotay muttered quietly

"What?"

"Old saying."

"Yes, well it’s oddly appropriate.
The procedure would mean Tom being immersed in a regeneration
tank and his body being subjected to a cell by cell clone
replacement. It would take about a month to complete and no one
would know whether his brain survived the operation intact until
the whole process was over."

"So instead of being paralyzed with an
intact brain he might be mobile but brain damaged?" Chakotay
asked in horror.

"Essentially, although the V'rakn'hal
medics have clearly stated that they would not be prepared to
revive him if that was the outcome." I replied gently and
waited for that to sink in. Chakotay went almost white, as he
understood what I was saying.

"So Tom has a 50/50 chance of either a
total cure or death."

"Yes"

"Those odds are not acceptable. I will not
risk his life!" he shouted suddenly, jumping to his feet and
pacing the room like a caged Targ.

"It’s not your choice to make,
Chakotay, it’s Tom’s." I reminded him gently

"So you are going to let him do it?"
he asked incredulously

"As I said, there are several problems. That is the first.
The second is that I am not prepared to put nearly 140 lives on
hold unless the crew all agree that they are prepared to
wait."

"You’re going to put Tom’s life
to the vote? That’s disgusting."

"I thought ybjecbjected to the
procedure?" I reminded him

"I do, but I also object to the thought
that no-one could be bothered to wait for him to try it if
that’s his choice, it’s only a month godamnit"

"That’s the final problem. The cure
will take a huge amount of energy. While the V'rakn'hal are quite
prepared to treat Tom as a ‘humanitarian’ gesture, they
require that we provide the energy. Voyager can barely function
as it is. We are held together by sticking plaster and elastic.
The amount of energy they are talking about will drain our
reserves, put the replicators off line indefinitely, close the
holodecs and restrict us to warp 6 maximum until we can find a
new source of energy. It could add months to our journey. I
cannot do that to the crew without their agreement."

I saw Chakotay reluctantly absorb my words.
"So what are you planning to do?"

"After Tom has gone to bed tonight, I will
signal an all quarters and tell everyone of the situation. If,
and only if, they agree we will bring the matter up to Tom. If
the vote goes against him he must never know the chance
existed."

"It would destrom.&qm." Chakotay
whispered softly.

"Exactly."

"That’s a lot of people to keep a
secret. Maybe it would be better to let the matter drop here and
now. Tom is fine now; he has me to take care of him. He’s
accepted his life. I don’t want to risk losing him or his
finding out at a later date that the crew refused to help
him."

I was completely caught off guard by his
comment. Surely Chakotay couldn’t honestly prefer the
situation to continue as it was?

"You don’t have the right Chakotay.
Neither of us does. He must decide for himself, IF the rest of
the crew agrees." I retorted firmly and was relived by his
reluctant agreement.

If there were any way to convince the crew, I
would let Tom take the risk. Rather that than watch Tom and
Chakotay continue to descend further into their mutual spiral of
dependency.

 

 

CHAKOTAY

I made love to Tom that night as though I might
never have the chance to touch him again. It was possibly true.
If the vote went in his favour, he would be taken off the ship in
the morning and I might never see him alive again.

I was surprised by my own selfishness, that I
would rather keep Tom like this than risk losing him. But we had
been through so much together and looking after Tom centered me.
In a strange way his paralysis assured me that he was mine
forever. A cured Tom would not need me. Might not love me. But
more than that a dead Tom would need no one. I would be left
alone. I couldn’t bear the thought of it.

However, I had no intention of taking away his
right to decide. Kathryn was correct. It was Tom’s choice
alone and I was damned well sure I would support his right to
have that choice. So after Tom was finally asleep I patched his
alarms through to the Doctor, dressed and crept out of our
quarters to catch the end of the crew meeting.

All but a skeleton crew were gathered in the
cargo bay. As I entered, the Captain’s explanation was
drawing to a close and I saw lots of eyes swivel in my direction
but I just joined Kathryn to add my silent presence to her words.

"So there is a chance for Tom, which he
may or may not wish to accept, but if he does it will affect all
of us for a long time. I am therefore giving you all a chance to
have your say. I have made enough decisions that have universally
affected you already, this time you must choose for
yourselves."

Kathryn looked slowly around the faces of the
solemn crew:

"Does anyone have any questions before the
vote?"

"Will the ship be able to function safely
with so little power?" Sam Wildeman asked quietly

"B’Elanna? Would you like to answer
that?" Kathryn asked and B’Elanna leapt forwards and
turned on Sam aggressively

"Yes it will. Okay, so you won’t be
able to use the holodecs and you’ll have to eat in the mess
hall and there won’t be any private replicator privileges
but life will still be more bearable for all of us than it has
been for Tom for the last year and a half." She spat
viciously and Sam flinched.

I cheered internally, even as I prodded
B’Elanna in the back and whispered at her to calm down.

"I’m sorry, I don’t mean to
sound like I don’t care about Tom" Sam explained
plaintively "But I have to think of Naomi’s well-being
too."

I saw a number of the crew nod their
understanding and agreement. It was a fair point. This
wasn’t just about their comforts, but about their lives. It
was understandable that they would question the wisdom of giving
up half our power supply.

"So, if the procedure doesn’t work,
and Tom dies, will we still have to pay?" Ayala asked and I
tried not to glower at him.

"The V'rakn'hal will still have expended
the energy. We will have no honorable alternative but to pay the
fee anyway." Kathryn explained and the muttering in the crew
grew louder.

There were remarkably few more questions and no
actual dissenters. I chalked the later down to how well people
had grown to respect Tom in the last year or so rather than an
indication of their agreement to the plan. If we had had this
discussion shortly after his accident, I was sure that there
would have been a number of vocal protests but I had the feeling
that people would prefer to vote their no privately now.

And with a sinking feeling, as I looked around
the crew, I was almost certain that most of them would
reluctantly decline.

"The vote will be anonymous." The
Captain said quietly, "After you have all had a chance to
think it through you can use your comm stations to vote. When the
decision has been made I will advise you of the result. Again, I
must point out that if the vote goes against Tom he must never be
told that this situation happened."

There was a loud murmur of assent and then
people began to disperse in huddled groups. I felt quite
nauseous.

"What do you think, Kathryn?"

"Who knows, Chakotay, who knows?"

I walked slowly back to my quarters, checked
Tom was sleeping quietly and sat down in the living room and
stared out of the portal at the planet below.

It was about an hour later when Kathryn commed
me with the results of the vote.

I listened quietly, feeling the blood rushing
in my head and then I simply said, "I understand" and
turned the com-link off.

I dropped back into my seat and simply cried my
eyes out.

 

TOM

 

When I woke up, Chakotay was not in bed next to
me where he belonged. I admit that I panicked a bit and called
out for him. He appeared out of the darkness of the living
quarters and walked up to me with obvious reluctance.

"What’s wrong, babe? Are you in
pain?" He asked gently and even in the gloom I could see
that his cheeks were stained with tears.

"I’m fine, but you obviously
aren’t." I said in concern. "Why have you been
crying?"

Chakotay looked at me guiltily, tried to speak,
failed and then turned away from me abruptly and his shoulders
shook with silent sobs.

"Chak, what’s wrong?" I cried in
panic "What have I done?"

My automatic assumption of guilt broke through
his misery and he swung back to face me.

"Nothing, Babe. It’s nothing
you’ve done. I promise."

"Then what’s wrong?"

"I can’t tell you. I don’t know
how to tell you." He gulped

"Chak. I’m really getting frightened
and pissed off now." I warned him angrily. Chakotay was my
strength, my protector; I couldn’t cope with seeing him fall
apart.

"Okay, let me ask you a question and you
must answer it honestly."

"Of course." I snapped bitterly, I
had never deliberately lied to Chakotay and it offended me that
he’d even suggest it.

"If there was a chance, a 50/50 chance
say, of you being cured but if it went wrong you would die, would
you take it?"

"Sure" I said automatically

"No, Tom. Seriously. Is your life still so
unbearable that you would risk death, risk losing what we have
together, just on a remote chance of a cure?"

"50/50 is not remote, it’s even,
Chakotay, and as much as I love you and am prepared to accept
that this is the way my life has to be, I would have to try it,
if I could. But since I can’t, I think it’s a bit
insensitive of you to ask."

"Even if trying meant you died?" he
persisted.

"Yes" I snapped, wishing he would
drop the subject.

"Oh, that’s what I thought." He
whispered sadly.

"Why?"

"Because that’s why we are orbiting
this planet. The V'rakn'hal have a cure. At least they promise
that you will either be cured or die. There’s no other
outcome possible. Your transport down has been arranged for 0900
if you want to try it."

"Oh god, that’s fucking fantastic.
Why the hell are you crying?"

I gasped

"Just happy for you, Babe" He said
with apparent sincerity although something in his voice
didn’t sound quite right. But I was too excited to worry
about it at that moment.

"Oh god, Chakotay. I will be able to walk
down the aisle to our wedding." I gushed happily

"Or you’ll be dead" he whispered
sadly and I realised suddenly why he had been crying after all.

"Everyone dies, Chak, but I might be able
to walk! That’s all that matters." I cried, I could
almost feel the sensation returning to my legs just at
th
thought of a cure.

"I know, babe. It’s wonderful,"
he said but I heard the fear in his voice and realised that he
was terrified of losing me forever.

"I have to do it, Chak. I just have
to." I apologized sadly

"I know, Babe, I know."

"Hold me, Chak." I begged and he lay
down next to me and wrapped his arms around me, for what I
suddenly realised could be the last time.

"I love you, Chak. Remember that, whatever
happens, I love you."

"I love you too, Tom. Don’t leave me.
Don’t die."

I couldn’t think of an appropriate reply,
and he didn’t seem to expect one, so we just lay there
together and waited for morning to come.

 

HARRY

I met Tom at the transporter room as he was
waiting for the V'rakn'hal to collect him. Of course, I had been
in the Mess Hall earlier when most of the crew had gathered to
say goodbye and good luck to Tom. It had been a really touching
and emotional moment and Tom had begun to cry.

Seeing his distress, the Captain had asked
everyone other than his closest friends to give Tom a little
privacy for his final departure and Chakotay had guided him away
to prepare.

Sure that I was included in that elite group of
close friends, I had hurried to say my own private goodbye.
B'Elanna, the Captain and The Doctor were all leaving as I
entered the room and I was therefore not terribly surprised to
find Tom alone, except that one person's absence stuck out like a
sore thumb.

"WherChakChakotay?" I asked with
concern. Surely he would be transporting down with Tom and making
sure he was settled?

"He's gone ahead to talk with the
V'rakn'hal doctors and arrange for his own accommodation at the
hospital."

Tom saw my surprise and continued ruefully.

"He's insisting on staying with me even
though I'll be out of it the whole time. I told him to just go
off and enjoy himself for a change. He's been looking after me
for months and from what I understand, even if the operation is
successful I'll still need weeks of therapy to walk again. I
wanted him to take this time as a kind of vacation."

"I understand what you mean, Tom but
you're not being realistic. He is hardly going to run around
pretending to be on holiday while you are in the hospital. I mean
everybody is looking forwards to a month of shoreleave but we all
know why we are here, and no one is going to really relax until
it's over."

"I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to go
through with it." Tom mused quietly

"Has he said so?" I asked in
surprise.

I had heard nothing but public support from
Chakotay for Tom's decision. He admittedly had not been as
enthusiastic as I might have expected, but then again we were all
conscious of the substantial danger to Tom and it had sobered all
celebrations.

"Not in so many words. He's probably just
worried about the risk but, I know this is going to sound weird,
but I also get the feeling that he doesn't really WANT me to get
better."

"That's crazy, Tom. Why the hell wouldn't
he want you to be cured?"

Despite my angry words, I was worried by the
possibility he was right. It was obvious to all of us recently
that Chakotay seemed to almost relish his role as Tom's champion.
Sue and I had already discussed several concerns over Chakotay's
apparent obsession with looking after Tom. As much as it was
wonderful for Tom, sometimes it just didn't seem 'right'.

"I dunno, Haz, maybe it's a spiritual
thing, perhaps it seems to him that I am struggling against my
fate." Tom said thoughtfully "It’s like he thinks
this happened for a reason. To give us a chance to be together.
He thinks that my wanting to take the risk means that our
relationship doesn’t mean as much t as as it does to
him."

"Shit, that must really piss you
off!"

"I guess it ought to, but it's comforting
too. He really cares. He just has a fatalistic attitude to life.
If he hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten this far!"

"There's a difference between fatalistic
and selfish..." I started to say but Tom's eyes warned me
not to go there.

"Promise me something, Haz."

"Anything, Tom."

"If I - if I don't come back, give the
ring to Chakotay and tell him how much I loved him. That just
being with him has made the last year the best time of my whole
life, despite everything."

"Then why risk it, Tom? He loves you as
you are now. Perhaps he's right about things being meant to be
this way." I said abruptly, suddenly being selfish myself. I
couldn't bear to think that I might never see Tom again.

"Get a grip, Haz. Would you stay like this
if you had the chance of a cure?" Tom laughed bitterly

"No, I'm not as brave as you Tom. I would
have given up long before now."

"I would have too, except for Chakotay. I
want to get better for his sake too. I know I'm a burden to
him."

"He doesn't mind, Tom. He enjoys looking
after you."

"Maybe too much" Tom said sadly

"What do you mean?" I asked, although
to tell the truth I knew exactly what he was saying, and I
agreed.

"That being cured is the only way I'll
ever know..." Tom's voice trailed off and he stared blindly
into some inner space

"Know what?" I prompted gently

"Whether he really loves me at all"
Tom looked at me with eyes full of hurt and confusion

"I sometimes think that when I'm well
again, he'll leave me. As often as I have prayed for a cure
there's been this other voice that warned me that the price of
walking again would be Chakotay leaving me."

"Never, Tom. Chakotay would never leave
you!" I cried in astonishment. "He loves you in spite
of your injuries, not because of them!"

"You sound so sure, Haz. I wish I
was."

"You'll see for yourself soon."

"Yeah, I guess." Tom said sadly,
unconvinced.

Before I could say anything else, the
transporter pads glowed and two V'rakn'hal medics appeared and
began to quietly and efficiently arrange for Tom's departure.

At the last minute, just before his atoms
scattered, I yelled

"Don't you dare die on me Tom Paris!"

And he gave me a cocky, flyboy grin and
disappeared.

 

KATHRYN

 

It had been a terrible four weeks for me. I was
exhausted by my daily efforts to keep dragging Chakotay away from
Tom's room and out into the cool morning sun of V'rakn.

It was a beautiful, climate-controlled planet.
Even though we were in the midst of their natural winter, the
chill was minimal and the scenery breath taking. Chakotay and I
took long quiet walks around the landscape. Each day I managed to
keep him away from Tom for a little longer.

I had landed Voyager on the surface and given
unrestricted shoreleave to the whole crew. It had been a peaceful
rest for everyone in the midst of our long journey. Despite the
underlying strain in everyone's faces as the countdown to Tom's
emergence crept onwards, the shore leave had been undoubtedly
beneficial too. I could see serenity in people that had not
existed for years.

Except for Chakotay. Despite my insistence on
taking him physically from Tom's side, he always seemed to leave
his soul behind with Tom. Sometimes he even seemed to enjoy my
company but his smiles were pale ghosts, wraith-like expressions
that flittered only briefly before vanishing as though they had
never existed.

I was conscious of the difficulties that faced
him. Either Tom would not be revived and Chakotay would have to
rejoin our journey home bereft and grieving, or Tom would be
cured and I just knew Chakotay's life would still change
dramatically for the worse.

I could not see Chakotay and Tom remaining
together. I had never understood their attraction for each other
in the first place. I remembered the atmosphere between them
directly before Tom's accident and shuddered at the thought of
them trying to stay in a relationship if Tom survived.

A healthy Tom would surely revert to the cocky
flyboy he had been before, perhaps even worse with so much time
to make up for. I knew Chakotay would not cope with the rebirth
of the irrepressible pilot's true personality. I had grown to
understand that Chakotay had a need to nurture and protect and I
doubted a healthy Tom Paris would be willing to fulfil that need
for him.

So I spent those four weeks trying to wean
Chakotay off Tom. Daily dragging him away for longer and longer
periods. Desperately trying to sever the unhealthy umbilical cord
that seemed to tie the two men together.

One day I pointed out to him that while he was
obviously serious about Tom, it was unlikely that Tom would feel
the same way once he was better. He was furious with me at first:

"Tom and I will be married in six weeks.
That’s hardly the action of people who don’t love each
other!"

"Do you really think that you will still
get married?" I asked in surprise

"Why not?" Chakotay asked in
confusion, "of course we will, only now Tom will be able to
dance at the reception." And he gave a dreamy smile at the
thought that made my blood boil.

"I hate to say this Chakotay, but
everything has changed. Tom has never had a proper relationship
with anyone. To be honest he has slept with more people on the
ship than I can count. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not
criticizing him, just stating a fact. Tom never indicated any
desire to be monogamous before he was paralyzed."

"Are you saying you think he only agreed
to marry me because he had no other offers?" Chakotay
snarled, hurt and outrage warring on his face

"Honestly? I’m sorry, Chakotay, but
yes! He needed you, but he isn’t going to need you anymore
when he’s cured."

"You’re wrong, Captain." He
snapped, the hurt and distress evident in his face. I knew that I
had struck a raw nerve. He strode away back to the hospital so
quickly that I didn’t have a chance of following.

I felt guilty at hurting him but I knew that it
was better for him to face up to the truth.

We walked together every day afterwards, always
discussing the same topic. Every scene he quoted to prove
Tom’s love for him was met by my reasonabxplaxplanations
that Tom had only reacted in each instance because of his fear
and helplessness.

Chakotay’s arguments grew less confident,
more pensive. He started to doubt every memory. I could see the
uncertainty playing in his mind, gnawing at him endlessly.

He began to protest less at leaving the
hospital with me and began to help me sometimes with the
negotiations for supplies that I was conducting with the
V'rakn'hal government. He began to make plans for Voyager’s
return home. He stopped mentioning the wedding.

In this way he spent the last weeks of
Tom’s hospitalization being prepared by me to say goodbye to
Tom, one way or another. I was pleased and relieved that my words
had caused him to re-evaluate his relationship with Tom. I was
sure that I was doing the right thing to help ease his hurt,
whatever the outcome of Tom’s treatment.

In retrospect, I wonder whether my motives were
truly as pure as I thought at the time.

Again, I meddled where I had no right.

Who knows what might have happened if I had
left them alone to resolve their own relationship?

Would the tragedy have been averted or had the
seeds of their destruction already been planted, my words only
helping them germinate to an unavoidable conclusion?

 

TOM

I woke slowly from a hazy, horrific nightmare
and stretched luxuriously to ease the knots in my shoulders and
the aching stiffness of my knees.

Yawning widely, I was surprised by how much I
had to struggle to open my eyes. They seemed to be crusted firmly
together and I rubbed them with my oddly greasy fingers as I was
assailed by flashbacks of my weird dream.

I had dreamt that I had been crushed in a
shuttle, my body shattered and left paralyzed. Jeez, I had even
been going to marry Chakotay! How crazy was that? (Given that he
hated me now!) It felt so real, even now, that I could actually
feel intense exhaustion in my body rather than the sensation of
rest that sleep should have given me.

Finally my eyelashes agreed to part and I
opened my eyes right into Chakotay's. He was bending over me with
the strangest smile on his perfect face.

Shit! I must have overslept. Why else would he
be in my quarters?

Then I blinked as my eyes took in the room
behind Chakotay and I realised that I wasn't in my quarters at
all.

I was in a huge sterile white room, lying on a
soft trolley-bed and completely surrounded by the smiling faces
of at least a dozen purple-skinned aliens, all dressed in flowing
multi-colored gowns.

My fingers were still hovering above my eye
sockets and I could see a film of slime all over them. Raising my
head I saw that my whole naked body was covered in transparent
green slime.

SHIT! I was lying completely naked in front of
a room of grinning strangers and my Commanding Officer, covered
in lime Jell-O!

It was my worst nightmare come to life.

Therefore I was still asleep.

Only I wasn’t.

That's when I realised that none of it had been
a dream at all.

I groaned as memory flooded me. I had been
paralyzed for over a year. I was on a planet called V'rakn and I
had been immersed in a tank in an effort to heal me.

And that was when it actually finally hit me,
over five minutes after I had unthinkingly rubbed my eyes with my
own fingers.

I WAS CURED!

"Chak!" I gasped, my throat tight and
voice hoarse with disuse "I can move…I can fucking
move!"

"I know, Babe." He answered softly,
"You survived the treatment without complications. The
V'rakn'hal say that you will make a complete recovery."

"Fucking fantastic!" I cried as I
tentatively moved my legs and then my toes. My limbs were stiff
and sore, but they moved.

"How do you feel, Tom?" Chakotay
asked gently

"Well, I don’t want to sound
ungrateful but there’s a slight problem, Chak." I
whispered

"What’s wrong, Babe?" He replied
with such fear and concern that I was a little ashamed of myself,
but still, I had my pride to consider.

"I’ve got no fucking clothes
on!" I muttered furiously

I honestly think that he had been too caught up
in the excitement of the moment to notice. He certainly blushed a
dark shade of red at my words and grabbed a sheet to cover me.

Indignantly I saw a couple of the V'rakn'hal
hide expressions that were suspiciously like sniggers as Chakotay
hurried to restore my modesty. Then my sense of humor returned.
How the hell could I be anything but ecstatic on a day like
today?

"I’m really cured?" I asked
Chakotay hesitantly, unable to truly believe it.

"Yes, babe. You’ll be walking and
flying again in no time." He assured me softly, but there
was definitely something wrong with the way that he was talking
to me. Something in the way his eyes kept darting away from my
face, as though to hide a secret.

"Then what’s wrong, Chak?" I
begged, suddenly terrified that there was a problem he was hiding
from me.

"Nothing, Babe. Honestly. You are going to
be fine."

"When am I going to be able to get out of
here?" I asked eagerly

"About two more weeks. They say it will
take you that long to regain your motor skills. Then, as long as
you take it easy, you’ll be able to walk back onto
Voyager."

"Then I WILL be able to ‘walk up the
aisle’ with you" I gushed happily.

Chakotay mumbled something that I couldn’t
quite hear. That’s when the first tendrils of fear began to
wrap themselves chokingly around my heart.

"What did you say, Chak?" I asked
nervously

"I just asked whether you were sure that
you still wanted to marry me." Chakotay mumbled, his head
turned away in embarrassment.

I went cold. For a moment I forgot how to
breathe. As calmly as I could manage I stuttered

"W-W-Why d-do you a-ask?"

"Yore ure under a lot of pressure, Tom.
You needed me at the time. Needed a commitment from me. But
that’s changed now. I will understand if you want to break
the engagement."

As clear as day, like being hit broadside by a
shuttle, I realised that I had been right. Chakotay had never
wanted me to be cured. He had never really wanted me at all. He
had looked after me because of pity and his proposal had stemmed
only from a warped sense of honor and now he wanted to be
released from his promise.

I understood.

I wasn’t even angry with him. He had done
his best for me. He had made my life bearable with his lies. I
had always known deep inside that the price of my cure would be
the unvarnished truth. The terrible truth that he didn’t
love me.

Someone once told me that you couldn’t
truly hate someone unless you loved them. That was nonsense. I
loved Chakotay with every atom of my body yet I was incapable of
hating him, even as he ripped my life apart yet again.

I loved him enough to let him go gently, to
ease his guilt.

"Yeah, Chak. You’re right.
Everything’s different now." I said and my heart
didn’t explode, it simply faded away into nothing and all
that was left was a dried-out husk that used to be Tom Paris.

 

 

CHAKOTAY

I spent most of the next two weeks in my
quarters, crying. I tried to meditate but the pain in my chest
was so overwhelming that it dominated my thoughts and denied me
any chance of peace.

Kathryn had been right.

Tom didn’t love me.

I couldn’t bear to be anywhere neim. im. I
knew that the rest of the crew was visiting him as he
convalesced. There was no reason for me to be there. He
didn’t need me anymore.

I didn’t hate him for his choice. I had
forced him into a position where he had been dependant on me for
his very life. Of course he had thought he was in love with me.
He hadn’t meant to mislead me.

But, like Tom said, everything was different
now.

 

KATHRYN

 

I gave the orders to prepare for take-off and
was pleased to see the immediate eager efficiency of the crew as
they took their stations and started the safety checks.

The six weeks on the soil of V'rakn'hal had
finally palled for them and they were ready to set off again on
our journey home.

The senior officers all took their places on
the bridge, except for Chakotay – and Tom, of course.
Chakotay’s absence was a worry. I had expected that he would
have pulled himself together by now.

Hopefully, once we were on our way, when V'rakn
became just a dot in the distance, he would begin to rebuild his
life and I would be here to help him.

I was about to give the final countdown to
lift-off when Chakotay burst onto the bridge, half-dressed and
wild eyed.

"WHERE’S TOM?" He screamed at me
and the rest of the Senior Officers almost fell over at their
posts in shock. I was furious that he would make such a public
display of himself.

"In my ready room, Commander. NOW"

The bridge was deathly silent as I stalked off,
followed by the enraged first officer. As soon as the doors
closed behind us he erupted again.

"I’ve checked with the computer. Tom
is not on board." Chakotay shouted, advancing towards me in
a decidedly unfriendly way.

"I know." I replied calmly and my
words stopped him in his tracks.

"What the hell do you mean, you
"know"?"

"Tom has decided to stay on V’rakn.
He never relished returning to the Alpha Quadrant. As you know,
there’s no guarantee that he will have his sentence
commuted. He feels that he has spent enough time imprisoned
inside his own body without possibly ending up in a prison cell
when we get home." I explained reasonably

"And you agreed to let him stay?"
Chakotay asked incredulously

"It’s his choice, Chakotay. Besides
it is better for all of us, this way."

"How exactly is it BETTEuot;uot; Chakotay
queried, his voice now soft but dangerous.

"You know how vulnerable Voyager would be
with only half-power. The V'rakn'hal have agreed to accept a
part-payment in exchange for Tom’s piloting skills. They
have offered him a position as a tutor in their fleet and have
agreed that he will be such a valuable addition to their staff
that they have waived the rest of the fee."

"You mean you’ve sold him to them,
like chattel?" Chakotay howled at me and I felt a headache
coming on.

"Don’t be dramatic, Chakotay. Tom
loves to fly. You know that. He will enjoy his new position and
he is grateful enough to the V'rakn'hal to want to stay with
them."

"Bullshit! If that’s true, why the
secrecy? Why didn’t he tell anyone of his decision to
leave?"

"He asked me to let everyone know once we
had left. He didn’t want to have to say good bye. He’s
still not strong enough emotionally to deal with that kind of
scene."

"I remember you once refused to accept one
of Tom’s decisions because he was not emotionally capable of
choosing what was right for him. You overruled him THAT time,
Kathryn." Chakotay challenged

I lost my temper then.

"Yes, I over-ruled his choice and look
what happened? I let you throw your life away on him, Chakotay.
You have spent the last year as his personal nurse and virtual
slave. You were going to marry him, dammit. Don’t you
realise that staying with him would have destroyed you?"

"Is that what this is really about,
Captain? Me?"

"YES"

"Why?"

I forgot Tuvok, forgot my position as Captain,
forgot everything and finally told him the truth

"Because I love you, Chakotay and I
can’t stand by and watch Tom ruin your life."

 

CHAKOTAY

 

Kathryn’s words were like a slap in the
face, the slap I needed to come to my senses.

Suddenly I realised that all of my doubts about
Tom had come from her lips.

There was no reason in hell why Tom would
choose to stay with the V'rakn'hal unless it was to avoid me, and
there was no reason he would feel the need to avoid me unless he
truly did love me.

Tom hadn’t refused to marry me. He had
just given me the escape that he thought I wanted I l I looked at the diminutive form of Captain
Kathryn Janeway. Her whole body was quivering with barely
concealed fear. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. Her right
hand trembled as it reached out as though to touch me.

I saw her, finally, for what she was. I
realised what she had done and why.

"Permission to speak freely,
Captain." I asked softly

 

KATHRYN

 

I saw Chakotay’s eyes fill with
understanding at my words. His huge bronze frame became still and
his face filled with a kind of peace.

When he said "Permission to speak freely,
Captain" so softly, I tensed with excitement and nodded my
agreement.

"YOU’RE A SCHEMING MANIPULATIVE
BITCH!" he yelled.

I reeled with shock at his words. I had never
heard such fury and hatred in his voice before.

 

CHAKOTAY

I saw Kathryn’s face go w wit with horror
at my words and I rejoiced in her pain. Shservserved every word I
was about to speak.

"I am going to the surface and I am going
to fetch Tom home. If you want to keep this conversation between
us, you will welcome us back aboard and announce to everyone how
pleased you are at Tom’s recovery and return.

"Two weeks from today, you will marry us
publicly, and you will smile and congratulate us and you will
never, ever do or say anything to undermine our relationship
again.

"If you do not agree to this, I will
announce to the whole crew that you were prepared to abandon Tom
on an alien planet just because you saw him as a rival for my
affection.

"I am sure that they would all be very
unhappy with you, especially your HUSBAND!" I spat
venomously

And I didn’t even wait for her reply; I
simply turned on my heel and rushed to the nearest transporter
room.

It occurred to me that she might simply leave
me behind as well as Tom. But to be honest, at that moment, I
didn’t give a damn.

 

TUVOK

Naturally I was interested to see Chakotay
leave the Captain’s ready room in an obvious state of
emotional distress and then concerned when my security console
indicated that he had transported off the ship.

Therefore, when the Captain emerged and stated
that Voyager should lift off immediately, I had no choice but to
challenge her orders.

Had I still been acting only in my position as
Chief of Security, I would simply have advised her that Commander
Chakotay was not on board and might have accepted her explanation
without question.

But as her husband, with the benefit of my
tenuous mind-link, I was aware that Kathryn was in a highly
emotional state and I doubted that her order to leave was
entirely based on logic.

I had been aware of Kathryn’s somewhat
disturbed mental state for some weeks but since she had avoided
all physical contact with me, I did not have sufficient facts to
deduce the reason why.

It was evident to me that Chakotay and the
Captain had disagreed about something, and given the
Commander’s subsequent actions, it was logical to assume
that the disagreement was due to Tom’s decision to stay
behind.

Kathryn had advised me privately of Tom’s
choice that morning. I had been somewhat mystified by his
decision. I could only see one logical reason for him refusing to
accompany us and that was if he was emotionally too damaged by
his recent parting with Chakotay to be able to cope with resuming
our journey to the Alpha Quadrant.

Because of my mind meld with him after the
accident, I had no doubt at all of the intensity of Tom’s
love for Chakotay. Although I did not suffer from the emotional
excesses of humans I was able to accurately interpret them. The
Commander’s self-imposed exile in his quarters for the last
two weeks left me with the conclusion that his love for Tom was
equally real.

It was therefore completely illogical that they
had decided to separate. There was obviously a factor in the
equation that I was unaware of.

As Kathryn gave the order to leave V’rakn,
the pieces of the puzzle suddenly fitted togetherfeerfectly and I
knew that, in some as yet unclear way, my wife held the clue to
the mystery.

"I would like to speak with you privately
before we leave V’rakn, Captain." I said firmly and was
interested to note a flicker of fear in Kathryn’s eyes
before her face set in her familiar firm haughty mask of command.

"We can speak after the liftoff, Mr.
Tuvok" she snapped angrily "We have wasted enough time
here already!"

"I’m sorry, Captain, but the matter I
wish to discuss with you cannot wait. We can discuss it here on
the Bridge if you would prefer." I warned emotionlessly and
saw it again, that darting of her eyes like a trapped animal.

My suspicions solidified and I struggled
briefly against a surprising stab of anger before my iron
self-control slammed a door on the unwelcome emotion.

It is possible that Kathryn saw my momentary
loss of composure because she sagged slightly in her chair and a
look of guilty resignation flashed briefly across her proud face.

"Very well. All hands stand down take-off.
Mr. Kim you have the bridge" She sighed and then silently
led me back to her ready room.

The doors closed behind us, but she did not
turn to look at me. Her back was rigid, her shoulders stiff, her
whole frame trembling slightly as though expecting a blow.

I stated the obvious "The Commander is
still on the surface."

"I know." Was her tense reply

"Then why are you preparing to leave him
behind?"

"How do you know he isn’t planning on
transporting up to us once we are init?&it?" She challenged,
still refusing to face me

"Is he?"

"No, Chakotay will not be returning to
Voyager." She admitted.

"I would like to know why you are prepared
to leave two members of your crew on an alien planet in the Delta
Quadrant"

"It’s their choice. That’s the
end of the matter."

I knew that she would not voluntarily tell me
anymore. It is anathema to a Vulcan to invade an unwilling mind,
but this was my wife and that gave me certain liberties so I
stepped forward and touched her shoulder lightly.

Her thoughts, her memories, and her guilt
assailed me. I recoiled; releasing her as though burnt by the
flood of emotion that engulfed me.

Aware of my horror, she spun around desperately
to touch me but I stepped back swiftly out of reach. It was
intolerable that I should be subjected again to such naked, ugly
emotion.

"Your behavior in this matter has been
reprehensible, Kathryn" I said, "Your intention to
abandon the Commander and flee the scene of your crime surprises
me even more than the act itself."

"Crime?" Kathryn screeched in outrage
"You don’t understand Tuvok. Chakotay is being a fool.
Tom will destroy him. I had to stop them from getting back
together."

"You tried, you failed. Why are you
leaving them behind?"

"I can’t face him." She sobbed,
"I can’t face them being together! If Chakotay is
stupid enough, if they want each other so damned much, they can
have each other, but I won’t have them parading themselves
in front of me! I can’t just stand by and watch Tom destroy
him"

"What gives you the right to interfere?
What omniscient powers have you gained that give you such a clear
picture of Tom’s motivations in this relationship? You know
NOTHING."

"I KNOW Tom doesn’t love
Chakotay." Kathryn screamed

"Peculiar, I KNOW that he does" I
replied and reaching forwards I grasped her wrist and held her
tightly as I sent her my intimate knowledge of the truth of Tom
Paris’s heart.

Perhaps I should not have done it. Tom’s
thoughts had been given to me in trust. By sharing them I was
breaking a sacred oath. But the most important thing at that
moment was for Kathryn to realise the enormity of her crime
against him.

She staggered as the images hit her, as the
reality of Tom’s feelings for Chakotay were stamped
irrefutably into her consciousness.

As I released her she staggered back and
collapsed heavily into a chair.

"Oh my God, Tuvok. I was so wrong…so
very wrong. " She gasped, her eyes wide with horror.

"Yes, Kathryn. You were." I said
coldly

"What have I done?" She cried
piteously "What can I do to put things right?"

"I suggest you do nothing. Your
interference has already caused them enough pain. Do not compound
your mistake. Let them resolve their problems alone if it is not
too late. Do not ask or expect Chakotay’s forgiveness. He is
unlikely to be able to give it."

"What about you, Tuvok? You must know I
meant well. You know that I only wanted to help Chakotay. Can YOU
forgive me?" she begged me desperately, tears pouring down
her pale cheeks.

"My forgiveness is irrelevant, Kathryn.
You have not harmed ME in this matter."

"Then you are not angry with me?" she
pleaded hopefully

"I am a Vulcan. I do not feel anger. I am
not jealous of your feelings for the Commander and since he has
not reciprocated your emotion there is no on fon for me to
challenge him in this matter."

"Then you won’t leave me?" She
gasped with relief.

"You misunderstand me Kathryn. The vows
you made to me were obviously false. You were not truthful when
you said that your feelings for Chakotay were platonic. It is not
possible for me to continue our relationship. When The Commander
and, hopefully, Tom have returned and Voyager is under way, I
will move my belongings out of our quarters, Kathryn. Our
marriage is over."

 

CHAKOTAY

I cursed Kathryn to the seven hells as I fought
desperately through the almost impenetrable walls of the
V’rakn’hal bureaucracy.

It took several hours to even find out where
Tom was staying and then I was still prevented from entering the
building by some smug son-of-a–bitch officials. By which
time I was ready to rip the uncooperative purple-faced aliens
apart.

Fully satisfied he &he ‘deal’ they
had made the previously helpful V ‘rakn’ hal obviously
had no intention of letting me blithely walk off with their new
acquisition.

Well, tough. Their ‘acquisition’ was
my fiancé and I was not leaving without him.

I planted myself firmly in the doorway of
Tom’s new ‘home’ until one of the
V’rakn’hal finally agreed to tell Tom that I was here.
He returned with indecent haste and informed me gleefully that
Tom had refused to see me.

The little bastard smirked at me until I picked
him up by the throat and shook him into submission.

"I am not leaving unless I see him, and if
I have to take apart every room, and every PERSON in this
building to find him, I will. DO YOU UNDERSTAND!"

The small alien quaked in terror.

"I will take you to him, but then you will
know he does not want to leave and you must go away."

"Okay." I replied calmly and set him
down. There was nothing to be gained at this point by my
admitting that Tom was going to come back with me to Voyager even
if I had to carry him kicking and screaming all the way.

 

TOM

 

The V’rakn’hal had lied. The thought
popped into my head but it was nebulous and I wondered vaguely
what it was they had lied about. It was so much effort to catch
my stray thoughts that I preferred to let them waft around my
head.

I rocked slowly on my seat, my fingers playing
endlessly with a small heavy object. What was it? I wondered
vacantly. Oh yes. I looked down at the gold shape in my hands and
a wave of misery began to cloud my head so I shut my eyes and
wished it away and it was gone.

Still my fingers fiddled with the ring. Ring?
Oh God! No! I didn’t want to think about that. Didn’t
want to remember about - about what? I stopped in confusion as
the tail end of the thought span away into the distance.

Lied? What was the lie? Don’t know.
Don’t remember. Don’t want to remember. I wanted to
– what did I want? Just rock, that’s it, that’s
nice…that’s good…just let those thoughts go away,
like everything goes away, like Chak…No, no, rock,
that’s it, that’s better…

I let the fog swirl around my head. It felt so
nice just to drift. Not to think. Think. Think about what? The
lie. I suddenly remembered the lie. They said that if my mind did
not survive the cure I would not have to live with a healthy body
and a dead brain.

But I was dead. My body could move but I was
gone. Whatever had existed before was no longer alive,
didn’t want to be alive. I was just an empty shell with no
hope, no feelings, no anything. I walked and talked and breathed
but that was all.

Desperately I pushed the thought away, felt the
fog blurring its edges and dissolving it until I was disconnected
again. Just rock. Rock. That’s it. That’s nice.
That’s better.

A face appeared in front of me. Purple face.
Who? Don’t know. Don’t care. The face spoke.

"Chakotay is here to see you."

"Who?" I asked vaguely, my
cotton-wool brain struggling with the name. A picture flashed in
my brain but the resultant hurt was so intense that I clamped
down on the memory and it faded back into the distance and I
floated again in my serene state of hazy contentment.

"Shall I tell him to go away?" the
voice persisted

"Who? What? Oh…yes…go away"
Go away, who was going away? Away. Voyager was going away. PAIN.
No, go away. Just rock, rock, and rock…

 

CHAKOTAY

 

I followed the V’rakn’hal’s slow
meandering footsteps, struggling with the urge to shove him
bodily forwards. When the reluctant official reached what was
obviously Tom’s room, my patience finally snapped and I
pushed him out of my way and burst through the door.

Tom was sitting on the far side of the room;
his body swathed in a loose white gown. His hair was uncombed. He
looked all of 12 years old.

"Tom" I cried as I rushed forwards
but he did not react at all. He was swaying slowly in his chair,
his blue eyes unfocused, and his mouth moving with some silent
internal dialogue.

Furiously I turned on the alien.

"What have you done to him? What drug have
you given him?"

"Drug? Drug?" The
V’rakn’hal stammered fearfully "No drug. I swear.
He has been like this for hours. Since your Captain left him this
morning. We have done nothing. It is shock, perhaps."

I turned back to Tom in confusion. Still he
rocked quietly, his face serene, his fingers playing endlessly
with some small gold object. Spirits, I thought, Tom’s mind
had finally snapped. It had all been too much for him to deal
with. I had left him and he had literally gone mad.

I dropped to my knees in front of him and
grabbed his restless hands in mine, registering the icy coldness
of his skin.

"He’s freezing, fetch a blanket"
I shouted at the V’rakn’hal and turned back to Tom
without waiting to find out whether the alien would comply.

"Tom, Tom, it’s me, it’s
Chakotay. I’m here. I’ve come to take you home."

Still Tom’s blue eyes stared into some
unfathomable distance, and his face failed to register my words.
The V’rakn’hal hurried over and draped a blanket around
Tom’s thin shoulders and then backed off nervously.

"TOM" I screamed in panic, and I saw
a tiny flicker in one of his eyes before he started to rock
again.

Insane with terror, I slapped Tom so hard
across his face that my hand left a deep impression in his skin.
His eyes blinked and widened as he focused on me for a second,
then terror flooded his face and he began to struggle wildly.

"Nonononononononononononononononono"
he moaned

"Tom, I’m so sorry Tom, I love you.
I’ve come to take you home" I repeated desperately

"NO" he howled and yanking his hands
out of my loose grip he shot to his feet and tried to run from
me. Blinded by panic he crashed into the wall and slid down into
a heap on the floor. He made no effort to get up again; he just
curled into a ball of misery and sobbed.

Almost blinded by my own tears I rushed to his
side and pulled his unresisting body into my arms.

"Go ‘way, go ‘way" He
sobbed even as he tucked his face into my neck and clung on to me
desperately.

"Tom, I love you. I’m sorry. Come
home with me." I begged

"You left me" he whispered and
although his words ripped at my heart I was elated at his ability
to say them. I wasn’t too late. I had arrived in time. Tom
was still capable of rational thought.

"I know Tom. It was my fault, I
misunderstood. I thought you didn’t need me anymore. I
thought now you were cured you wouldn’t want to be with
me."

"You left me." He repeated brokenly.

"But I came back."

Tom struggled in my arms until he could pull
back and look into my face. His eyes were dark with misery but at
least he was actually looking at me, really seeing me. His face
was defenseless; all his protective masks had been stripped away.
I saw hurt and anger chasing confusion and misery across his
pallid features. For a long time his mouth struggled with the
effort to form a coherent sentence. When he finally spoke his
bitter words broke my heart

"How long for, this time, Chakotay?"

I dropped my head in shame. He was right. How
many promises had I broken already? What could I possibly say to
make him believe me now?

"I’m a fool, Tom and I don’t
deserve you. I have thrown away our happiness so many times that
I know you have every right to reject me. There is nothing I can
do if you don’t love me anymore. But I know it’s not
true. I saw how you were when I came in here. I KNOW that you
still love me and although I don’t understand why, I’m
not throwing it away again!"

I stared deeply into his eyes, trying to force
him to believe my words. In response he simply looked away.

"Come back to Voyager with me, Tom. Come
home and marry me." I pleaded, new tears pouring down my
face.

"No" he whispered "Go away,
Chakotay. Please, just go away."

I jerked as though slapped by his words. I
couldn’t believe he had said no. I had seen the state he was
in because I had left. I couldn’t believe he would let me go
again. Furiously I shook him by the shoulders, so hard that his
teeth rattled.

"I’m not leaving you, Tom.
You’re coming back with me." I shouted and he flinched
at my anger.

"No." he mumbled "I don’t
love you."

"I don’t believe you." I snapped
and grabbing the back of his head I pulled his face towards me
and door hor his mouth. My tongue met scant resistance as it
plunged in and pillaged. With my other hand I pulled Tom into my
embrace, crushing him against my body. As he moaned into my kiss,
I felt his obvious erection pressing into my thigh. He struggled
futilely against his own body’s betrayal but I would not
release my grip and I felt his tongue thrust past mine and his
sweet taste filled my mouth.

How the hell had I thought I could live without
this? I asked myself as I caressed the tense muscles of his back.

Finally, gasping for breath I pulled back and
stared into Tom’s face, which was red with a combination of
desire and fury.

"Come home, Tom" I whispered gently

For a moment longing hovered nakedly on his
face, then fear and hurt returned "No" he spat.

That was it. I’d had enough. I wasn’t
angry with Tom. He had every reason to say no. Despite his
undeniable love for me, in spite of his body’s desire for
me, he had lost the ability to trust me. He was too raw, too
damaged. If I spent the rest of my life pleading and begging with
him on this floor he would not agree to return with me.

Decision made, I stood up. Tom’s naked
face flashed with relief, pain and disappointment.

"So you won’t agree to come back to
Voyager?" I asked, to clarify the situation.

"No" Tom mumbled

"And you want to stay here, alone."

"Yes" he whispered, even more quietly

"And there’s nothing I can say that
will make you come back with me?"

This time I could barely hear Tom’s
"No"

"Then you leave me no choice." I
snapped

I hauled Tom to his feet in a sudden movement
that caught him so much by surprise that it took little extra
effort to grab him round the waist and throw him over my
shoulder. He began to struggle and kick so I gave him a firm slap
on the backside. The shock made him forget to struggle long
enough for me to tell the amazed V’rakn’hal that I
would arrange for compensation, then I opened my com badge and
requested Voyager to beam us up.

I was a little surprised to hear Tuvok’s
voice respond to my hail, and even more amazed when we
materialized straight into my quarters although, given Tom’s
undignified position slung over my shoulder, it was probably just
as well.

I staggered into the bedroom, realising that
Tom was definitely putting on some much needed weight, and dumped
him unceremoniously onto my newly restored double-bed.

Tom hit the covers and came up spluttering
indignation

"You have no right…" he began to
scream

"I have every right, Tom. I love
you." I replied firmly and pushed him back onto the bed, my
weight pinning him down quite effectively.

For a couple more moments he struggled and then
collapsed back in submission. I lay on top of him, heaving for
breath. His dull eyes looked at me for a long time, weighing the
situation, evaluating my actions and then something sparkled in
the blue depths.

"Chakotay the Caveman" he muttered
and a reluctant smile cracked his face.

 

Go
to Part 31