Through the Looking Glass

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched...but are felt in the heart.
-Helen Keller, Ancient Earth

Almost a year after the fact, the Flash was now fully out of Ignatius’s system, but the craving, he knew, would remain with him forever. Every night he went to sleep thinking about Flash and every morning he woke up thinking about Flash.

He hated that.

The first and last thing on his mind should have been his children. His family. They should have always been on his mind but instead it was when his next Flash hit would be. And that was something that would haunt Ignatius forever and be his greatest sense of shame. Thinking back on those fried-out years he could only imagine at what might have been if he had kept on that path.

After Avilan he could have decided to hit the Flash hard; and before Beka had found him that night he almost did. The events of that day, Rafe’s blame, his own self-blame for losing sight of his children. It could have all been so much worse. Beka and Rafe could have ended up as slaves or have been killed in that raid. And it was all because of him and his problem with Flash. That’s where it all came from.

The habit started after Talia had left him, the pain of losing her, the complete surprise that she would abandon them just like that. He couldn’t deal with it, couldn’t comprehend what she was thinking. Everything Ignatius ever did was for her and their children. He wasn’t planning on being a salvage operator his entire life, that’s why he was always looking for the big score. But Talia got tired of all the waiting and the scheming and vanished into thin air. Back to Oedekirk where she became a completely different person. She wasn’t the woman he loved, the woman he married and had two kids with. She wasn’t the one who broke his heart and led him to Flash in order to dull the ache and pain.

She wasn’t that woman, and she wasn’t worth what he was doing to himself.
Then Beka got…he couldn’t even say it.

Beka, his Rebeka, he didn’t want to imagine her hurt like that.

Not his Rocket.

She was his life.

It was holding that bottle of Flash, that in a single moment of clarity, he saw what he was doing to himself and those around him. His arm lashed out and he threw the bottle against the wall.

No more running.

He had two kids to take care of, who needed him to be the father he once was or he’d lose them like he lost Talia.
As hard as the road was for him, he didn’t regret it.
He had been in the ups and downs of withdrawal when they'd found out about his grandchild. He could have lost it and flashed out then too. But where would everyone have been then?

Rafe would lose what little faith he had in him left and Beka…she’d be pregnant and dealing with a flashed out father trying to make ends meet. And what if Rafe couldn’t deal anymore and he took off? Beka would be alone and somewhere down the road he would eventually over dose; who knows the stress and pain that would have on his little girl. She could have miscarried or shut everything out. If he had died before the year was out what might have happened? Would anyone besides Beka be at his funeral?

He didn't want to know. But what Ignatius did known was that everything was his fault and he was now determined to make up for it.

He shifted his arms slightly to accommodate his new granddaughter as she stretched out in her sleep. Ignatius smoothed the blankets around the bundle and smiled lightly.

His baby’s baby.

That was still something he needed to get used to.

The other thing he needed to get used to was the fact that a strange purple woman had midwifed his grandchild; she had showed up out of nowhere when they had been caught on a planet without adequate medical care when Beka started having trouble. Ignatius had never seen anyone with the woman’s skin colour or with a tail quite like hers. Her bubbly disposition and sugared voice completely threw anyone off of thinking that she had any medical training what-so-ever.
She needed off the planet and they needed a baby delivered. She stayed on for a while to make sure Beka and the new baby were healthy and fine before making her departure, promising that they would indeed meet again someday and that she had a few things she needed to take care of before then, something about some plants.

She was an odd woman Trance Gemini.

Shaking his head, Ignatius focused back on the child as a tiny arm stretched out of the blanet and her eyes opened for a few seconds before she closed them sleepily once more.

Her eyes were blue just like Beka’s but the small patch of dark hair that crowned her head was almost too dark to be purely Valentine. Her father’s colouring most likely, another thing he passed onto her besides the boneblades.

The little boneblades, or what Ignatius assumed they would one day grow into, he found them interesting in an odd and disturbing way. They shouldn’t be a curiosity but they were. Three little hard white bumps adorned each of little Emily’s forearms, the only things that would give her away as part Nietzschean.

Why couldn’t she have been be half-Persied instead? Then he’d at least know that she’d be a genius when she grew up. He didn’t want to think of the traits that the other half of her genetics would contain. Maybe with her upbringing they wouldn’t show up. He always heard about genetic predisposition, but environment was equally important as well.

Nature vs. Nurture.

Maybe it wouldn’t be all that bad. The child was a Valentine after all, but that thought really didn't give Ignatius all that much comfort either.

She’s Rocket’s girl. He amended.

That gave him more hope.

She'd be okay if they raised her right.

"Dad?"

Ignatius looked up to see a bleary eyed Beka in the door way. "You're supposed to wake me up if she got up."

"If she was hungry I would have, I think she just needed to be held."

Beka walked up to them and once she wiped the sleep from her eyes and looked more awake, Ignatius carefully handed the bundle over to his daughter. One of Emily's small hands reached up and softly held Beka's shirt in sleep.

"What are you thinking?" asked Ignatius reaching to brush a copper strand behind Beka's ear.

"She's so small."

"Try saying that in a few more years, she'll grow fast."

"Yeah..."

"Rocket?"

"Sorry, it's just that...it's still hard to believe that she's, you know...mine. Even if she is a few months old."

"I think your brother feels the same way."

"Pfft. Little different there. If he would just stop looking at her like she's going to fly out of my arms and attack him."

Ignatius smiled. "And he's only an uncle. I'm the grandpa, I feel old."

"Me too."

"Honey...we can always..."

"No. She's mine and I'm not giving her up."

"I know."

"No matter how much Rafe wants me to."

"He's just worried about you. Doesn't want you to grow up too fast."

"I've been growing up too fast for a long time now."

Ignatius winced. Another thing his Flash did, what Talia leaving did.

"How...how many unwanted half-Nietzscheans do you think there are out there?" asked Beka.

"I don't even want to guess, and that's assuming adoption is even an option for their mothers," he responded.

"Huh, mothers...how do I know how to be one when I never had one?"

"We really didn't give you the best role models huh?" said Ignatius, "But just...just love her. Be firm but fair and...and just love her. I know she's going to turn out all right."

"And you'll be here, right?"

"Any time you need me." Ignatius pulled Beka into his side for a light hug and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "And if I ever get around to retiring, leave the Maru to you and you want to head out on your own, I'll still be there for you."

"On-on my own?"

"Beka I meant-"

Good job Valentine way to scare the hell out of her. And what a time to bring it up too.

As if sensing her mother's unease, Emily picked that moment to start fussing and woke up in Beka's arms with a loud wail. Trying to compensate for the wriggling infant, Beka moved her up so her head rested against her shoulder and her small body vertical against Beka's.

"It's okay, it's okay, please stop..."

Emily's crying intensified and Beka felt tears of her own start running down her face.

"Dad?" she croaked looking up at him for help.

"It's okay, you're doing okay." Ignatius rubbed the side of Beka's arm as the other hand wiped some of her tears away.

"I'm not cut out for this."

"You're doing fine."

"I don't know what I'm doing."

Beka still hadn't found her full stride with Emily just yet; the feeding and the playing she was all fine with but as soon as the child started crying, Beka just seemed to freeze up. Emily wouldn't stop and Beka had no clue what to do, it was then that all her doubts and fears came crashing down around her. Did she do something wrong? Is Emily sick? Is she hurt? Was she a bad mother?

"You know..." started Ignatius, "when your brother was born I had no idea what to do with him. I had this new little life that was completely dependent on me. Your mother well...I did a lot with Rafe. And a lot with you. Just don't panic when she cries, it's the only way she can communicate now. It's the middle of the night, she's awake, what does she usually need at this hour?"

"She wants food."

"See? Just relax Rocket."

"But what if something happens to her and-and I don't know what to do?"

"Honey I'm not going anywhere for a long time okay?"

"Promise?"

"Of course I do, I wasn't trying to scare you earlier. I'm sorry."

"S'okay, I-I know what you mean I just..."

"You're going to be fine."

Beka nodded and sniffed, her tears drying, "Thanks." She hugged her father with her free arm. "I'm gonna go and see if I can get her to settle down."

"All right. Night sweetie."

"Night Dad."

>>>

A much calmer Beka sat on her bed with a much calmer baby attached to a nipple. It was times like these in the dead of night where Beka could just sit and watch Emily as she fed, stroking her dark hair from her forehead as she thought about the child she held.

Her baby.

It was still a weird concept. It still didn't feel real that she had carried and given birth to this tiny living being, though the pain she went through at her birth she would never forget as real.

So here she was. Feeding a child who sometimes scared the hell out of her. After a few months she'd have thought that she'd be in some sort of zone by now, but every time Emily started crying Beka's mind went blank. That was something she really needed to work on.

"I can't wait till you're old enough to talk. That way you can tell me exactly what you want."

She started smoothing out Emily's dark hair when a more than familiar thought came bubbling back up.

"You know what?" said Beka quietly, "It's moments like these, whenever I look at you, I can't help thinking about your father."

The child continued to suckle faithfully.

He had been on Beka's mind more and more lately. A lot more after Emily had been born and she could finally see what they had produced that day on Avilan.

Had she gotten pregnant their first time? Or had it been the second that did it?
She guessed neither of those questions mattered much now as she held the result in her arms.
There were so many questions Beka had. Old ones left over from their encounter, but now there was one that kept creeping into her mind whenever thoughts of Emily and her father coincided. Something she knew she'd have to deal with when Emily got older.

Beka looked down at her small daughter.

"What do I tell you about him?"