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Occupation of the Mind	By : Jack-O-Lantern Category: Star Trek > Deep Space 9 Views: 666 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: DS9, nor the characters from it (save for the OC I created within the bounds of the established universe). I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Chapter Seven
Once he was gone, the disdain of those who’d seen became louder. Unkind things were shouted at me as I passed, I was bumped into, a few customers were summarily rude to me in a way that hurt different from when the Cardassians had targeted me. I found myself doing everything I could to avoid my own people. Not just them I suppose, but everyone. I’d become a spectacle, a blemish, just like before. Only this time, I didn’t have his constant protection. Only this time, everyone thought I had the freedom to deny him. And many even back then thought I should have died before becoming their lap-dog. Perhaps they were right.
I longed for the anonymity I’d had before Gul Dukat had taken interest in me. We had all been the same. We were equal victims. I wasn’t singled out for my oppressor’s interest or my fear of giving up my life in acts of futile resistance. I tried to figure out why I was so different from them. They feared them the same as I did. But they also hated them. Now that we were free, their hate reigned supreme. They took what they wanted and thought was theirs. They scorned the Cardassians and those who worked for them. They owned the life they knew was theirs in complete defiance of their oppressors. They rightfully hated the ones who had abused them, but what of me? I suppose my “hate” was more of an aversion. I never had enough fire to hate. I feared. That I most certainly did. It was my overriding emotion. But I did not have the hate to pull myself to my feet like the others did. They knew this was wrong. They knew they deserved better. I’d thought I did—or maybe I’d just wanted better. I’m not sure I’d ever believed, let alone known I “deserved” more than I had. Maybe hate is what makes a person. Maybe that’s why I am nothing.
The next couple of weeks weren’t easy. The verbal abuses had died back a little, but the distance had grown and it seemed word had spread to just about every Bajoran on the station. It was difficult to get others to take the Bajoran customers without telling Quark the reason why. That I was driving away his business. I couldn’t take another rejection so significant so soon. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but the situation wasn’t going to get better on its own and soon enough Quark would know if he didn’t suspect already.
I hid behind my hair and kept my gaze down as I rushed through the Promenade towards the Habitat Ring. As I paced down the hallway towards my room, someone bumped past me. I said nothing and continued.
I stood in front of my door and froze. Across my door, in misty yellow, was spray-painted COLLABORATOR and below that, a large picture of a spoon. I read the word over and over. A word that spelled isolation, hatred, and murder.
I gasped when someone grabbed my shoulder. A hand clapped over my mouth and pulled me close. I froze with my captor at my back, eyes shut as my heart beat wildly. I was dizzy with awful possibility.
“You might want to rethink your choice of friends,” a man hissed in my ear. His grip tightened before shoving me forward. I stumbled, catching myself against the door. I stayed like that until his footsteps receded. I looked up at the door again and drew away. Tears welled over and I fell to my knees in the hall, face buried in my hands.
When I entered my room, I found it had not gone untouched. SYMPATHIZER. CARDY-LOVER. TRAITOR. I stepped slowly through the room, turning to read the walls. I sniffled as I backed to the center of the room, stepping on a rumple of cloth. I picked it up. It was the outfit Dukat had bought for me. It’d been torn almost in half. I folded it into a square as I meandered into the bedroom.
A large picture of Gul Dukat was pinned above my bed with a dagger. Something was written over it. I turned up the lights and got closer. Scrawled across the poster was 15 MILLION.
I sat on my bed and wept. It wasn’t until some time later when I struggled to put a stop to the crying and began to move again that I noticed my computer had been accessed and a document left open on the display. I sat down and looked at it. It was a list of names of all those who had lost their lives during the occupation. I scrolled through. The list was endless, the bottom an impossible distance away. I stopped scrolling through and out of a sense of pointless curiosity, I searched my parents’ names. I stared at them until the text was indecipherable through the welling tears, then I hid my face again in my hands.
The computer chirped as a message came through. I wiped my face and sat before answering. The same face that had been stabbed into my wall gazed back at me. I saw his self-satisfied smile fall, the feigned concern creep in and before he could ask, I fell apart again.
Under his coaxing, I told him what had been happening, I told him why, I told him what I’d just come home to. I’d been terrified of telling him: of accusing him of causing my torment, of accusing the people the thought he had a right to own of terrorizing me. But I was lost, upset.
“Have you gone to security about this?” he asked. I shook my head. “Well you should.”
“I don’t want to cause any more problems.”
“It’s not you creating these problems. Either you report this or I will.” He scoffed. “This is unacceptable. What if they had hurt you instead? And by the sounds of it, whoever threatened you just might.” He considered me silently before saying, “I’ll see to it that the matter is handled, don’t you worry.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry this happened. I’m disappointed, but I don’t suppose I should be surprised. Still, to think that they’d attack one of their own for simply being seen with me, even with the peace treaty…” He glanced away. “I’m sorry I can’t be there to protect you like before. You know I would.” I did. I knew without a doubt that he would protect me from everyone for reasons I couldn’t fathom. He would protect and dote as long as my freedom was his to toy with.
I sniffled and nodded.
“Don’t let their intolerance drive a rift between us. Now more than ever it is important to establish friendships between our peoples and foster an understanding. If we are to live together, we need to be able to move past all this. You’ve been brave until now, though it’s a shame to have to term such an innocuous friendship as brave. Don’t turn away now. We’ll get this situation under control. You have my word.”
“I don’t want to get anyone in trouble. I don’t want them to hate me any more than they do.”
“It is their own actions that will get them into trouble, not you. Understand that. They can hate you if they choose, that is their right and their loss. But they cannot harass you. Soon, they will learn that.” A sense of dread fell heavy into my stomach. “For now, rest, have a little something to eat. I’m going to contact security in the meantime. Expect them to show up. We’ll talk again soon.” I felt a sickening mix in my stomach and swallowed my protests. I nodded.
“Goodbye…”
“Everything will be alright,” he assured me and smiled before the screen went black.
Security did come by shortly after, headed by Odo. They looked at my rooms, scanned the walls, Odo asked me questions. It was just like back then. Odo heading investigations at Gul Dukat’s request.
They reviewed the security footage and found evidence of tampering. They believed two individuals to be involved but could not immediately identify them.
As the investigation continued, they had the graffiti removed and though it was better not having to look at it, I still remembered it there and the guilt continued to gnaw at me.
Whoever had whispered to me in the hall did not come back to me, though I feared he would every time I left or returned home.
Gul Dukat checked in on me every evening. As the harassment continued and my guilt around Quark mounted, I found myself looking forward to these chats like the traitor they claimed me to be. He was the only one who acted like he liked me. And I so desperately wanted to feel anything but hatred and loneliness.
I knew I was broken. I knew I’d never have anyone but this man I hated and even he at a distance. I grew more ashamed and realized it was time to bow out. I was a detriment to Quark’s business and no one wanted me around.
At closing, I approached Quark for what would be the last time.
“I appreciate the opportunity you gave me,” I told him, “but it’s time for me to quit.”
“Quit? Why?” Quark was confused, acting the way he did before I misused his property.
“I’m more trouble than I’m worth. I know that.” He turned to me.
“Listen, if this is part of another suicide plan—”
“You’re not liable for me. I’ll be fine.” Quark’s lips pursed.
“That’s right. Still, it’ll cause a lot of trouble for me and everyone else if—”
“I’m fine.” But I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore. This answer, this…resolution. It wasn’t here. It seemed my time had passed once they left. Maybe that was my resolution. I’d just…not seen it until now. I had nothing, I was simply searching. I assumed there must be more beyond. That it was simply a chapter coming to an end, when it may have been the entire book instead. I didn’t want to end, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me. That was the resolution my soul was seeking. Its final rest. Our new-found freedom, that was for everyone else. Those with worth. Those with families, and lives. I…what was I? It was hard to tell, I never had much a sense of self. I was merely an operator of my body. Could I really be said to be alive? I was just…taking up space. I was a waste of time. Resources.
I hadn’t been trying to avoid my death, not with any conscious thought. It’s not as if I explicitly thought myself worthy, I just operated on base instinct. This instinct everyone else had. It had not occurred to me that it wasn’t meant for me, but I see it now. I had no purpose, no reason. Once I was gone, the others wouldn’t have to waste thought on me. And I would finally be free.
A crushing wave of elation surged through my belly to my heart and wanted to pour from my eyes, and I knew then it must be right. That was my freedom. My escape. My rest. I had never truly been freed. I was still under Cardassian rule, still slave to their power. Still under an occupation of the mind. Quark was right. I hadn’t known it even when the holosuite program abused me to unconsciousness. This was part of a suicide plan. I’m glad he finally allowed me to realize it.
I pressed my wrists together, hands angled out and bowed my head. “Thank you.” I turned.
“If you change your mind, I expect you back here, same time tomorrow morning!”
I left.
-*-
I wandered far away from the Promenade, towards the pylons. In my mind Dukat was beside me, long heavy strides over-taking my own, guards strutting down the corridor around us.
I stopped beside a bare wall, smoothed my hand over it. I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against the wall. How many times had I come here? In the quiet? Into this room of isolation and nightmares?
I knew the code to this room, the code to my dehumanization.
I felt along the wall, cheek height. I felt the imperceptible ridge and pressed. A panel folded out. I typed the code. And the wall opened for me, welcoming me back. I pressed the panel back into the wall and disappeared behind the doors.
“Computer: lights.” They flickered on, casting light on remnants of my enslavement. A chair with its cold restraints stood in the center and a like table off to the side. It could be mistaken for an operation table, but I knew better. I knew not only what it was for, but how it was used with me. It looked like it’d be cold—most things here did—but it wasn’t, at least not back then. Not how you’d expect. The Cardassians disliked the cold, so every grey, unforgiving thing you touched betrayed your expectation with warmth.
There were still instruments on the wall: pain-inducers, shock-restraints, blades, needles; any number of things to crush and bleed. I was familiar with some. I was not so important as to have been under serious interrogation, but dislike, among other things, had acquainted me with them. I touched the collar. I remembered a hand squeezing around my throat as they threatened my professed ignorance with suffocation. I remember my body seizing with indescribable pain. I remembered my helplessness as I threw away chance after chance for mercy with the truth, drawing myself ever closer to death.
Gul Dukat had apologized for the “barbaric” décor when he’d stolen me away here out of sight of prying eyes. He loved to excuse and apologize. He loved to let me know that he did what he could within his parameters. He loved…to be gentle. In some ways his gentleness had been far more painful than any other abuse had been. I never could know the truth of him, and even if I’d had any fight, there was no aggression to fight against. Though my gut coiled in disgust, and my heart clenched in distress, his tone disarmed me and I was never punished for my lack of guard. He never betrayed the feigned trust. Twisted my heart and mind, yes, but never betrayed. And I hated that.
Why was it so hard to live without them?
“I don’t believe you belong here,” a gravelly voice announced from behind. I twisted around, alarmed on an instinctual level but my higher mind already had the answer.
Odo stood just inside the entrance. Though my heart pounded and my blood surged, I smiled. “I did once…”
“How did you get in here?”
“Gul Dukat used to take me here. I learned the code from watching, though this is the first time I’ve tried it myself.”
“Is that right?” I nodded at the ground.
“This was an interrogation room.”
“Yes I can see that. What are you doing in here?”
“I don’t know. I wanted to be somewhere quiet.”
“Your quarters not quiet enough?”
“I needed to be away. To think.”
“This seems like hardly a good place to think…but an awfully good place to hide.”
“I suppose.” I stared at the table again. I felt like I could almost touch that time. As if it were only a dream away. Intangible, but real. I wished…I could just fade away.
“Either way, this place is off limits to you. I’ll have to ask you to leave.” I closed my eyes.
“Please, don’t take this from me.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Everything else has been changed and masked. I at least want to see one thing that is as it was.”
“Why in the world would you want that?”
“I can’t explain it. But I feel it. It’s like…I’m still there and I’m walking in an illusion. Everything is the same but slightly different. I can see how it was, in my mind’s eye, but everyone else sees the illusion. They enjoy it, they’re happy, but to me it just looks wrong. I see the way it was. I see the horrors day after day, and nobody understands. The only ones who would have freed themselves from their bonds to this place.”
“Why haven’t you?” I shook my head.
“I don’t know. I can’t. I feel something holding me here. If I were to go, I’d lose it and it’d haunt me every day, and I’d be removed from it, unable to fix whatever was wrong in my mind. It’s on this station. Where it all happened. I just…haven’t found what it is I’m looking for.”
“What are you looking for?”
“I don’t know. But there is something in my mind… I want to find something that will finally put it to rest. I want to feel like it’s over. I want to feel…normal…” But normal wasn’t for me and I knew that now. I’d known things weren’t normal for me back then, but I had dreamed of a time when they would be. When the occupation was over, everything would be solved. We’d be happy and free. But I had known nothing but chains and it appeared as if I was too weak to break them. And without anyone on the other end to lead me, they weighed me down and held me in place. “I didn’t feel how I thought I would after it ended.” I was nothing. I was a ghost, as much of an illusion as this Terok Nor was. Among the living…was no place for a ghost.
Tears fell. I don’t know if it could really change the way I feel, placate the restlessness, but I had wanted one last communion with memory before I…
The doors slid open behind me. I wiped my eyes and turned. “Come along.”
I followed after him. I followed back to his office where he circled around his desk and sat. “How did you find me?” I asked.
“I consulted the ship’s sensors.”
“Why were you looking for me?”
“A concerned citizen asked me to follow up on you.”
“Concerned..?”
“Yes…”
“I…There’s… No one would be concerned about me. Besides. I’m fine.”
“Can you give me your word on that?”
“I can’t see into the future, but right now, yes, I’m fine.” This is the sort of trouble I wanted to avoid. “What are you going to do with that room now?”
“I don’t know. Until now, no one had any idea that it existed. But, I will require that code from you should anyone wish to utilize that space.” I looked down. The last untouched space. My past, my pain, was being stolen from me again. I never had a thing that belonged to me. Anyone at their whim could reach inside and take what they wanted. I was a thing. A nonperson. Nothing belonged to me. Not even my self.
I lied.
- 6
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- 8
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Occupation of the Mind