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Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2608 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Notes: hermaphrodite Her*maph"ro*dite, n. [L. hermaphroditus, Gr. ?, so called from the mythical story that Hermaphroditus, son of Hermes and Aphrodite, when bathing, became joined in one body with Salmacis, the nymph of a fountain in Caria: cf. F. hermaphrodite.] (Biol.)

Tha Birds, an' Tha Bees, an' All That Othah Good Shit
Month 8: Future Considahrations

"Okay, kid, look--this is how ya make make gamma, see? It's real easy ta remembah--just think of a gallows. Gallows, gamma--right? That's tha big daddy gamma. Now, tha little baby gamma is a little trickiah, but not much. It's kinda like a forked stick." I drew on tha papah an' held it up. "See? Next is delta, an' that's simple, too. Nothin but a triangle fah tha daddy one, but tha baby one is toughah. Um... I guess tha best way ta describe it is a snake rearin up outta a coil ta strike."

"Strife, what are you doing?"

"Teachin tha alphabit. What's it look like I'm doin?"

"If Bliss was sitting with you, then I would have guessed that you were teaching him the alphabet," Cupe sat at tha table with me. "but since you're alone..."

I tried ta clasp my hands undah my belly, but I couldn't reach any more without pullin my arms outta socket. "Babe, I ain't nevah alone these days."

Cupid's forehead wrinkled. "You're teaching Lump?"

"Duh. Aftah all, we know that Lump can hear us. I figured why not give tha kid a head start? I mean aftah all," I patted my tummy, "this kid is gonna be a genius."

Cupe was smilin. "Of course."

"Besides, I want Lump ta be ready for whatevah godhood tha old goat confers on him. Education would be a plus in any I can think of, unless he wants ta set up a God of Stupidity." I giggled. "If he does that, I'll lobby ta see if he can't make an exception an' give it ta Jerkulese."

Cupid shook his head, but his voice was amused. "You're awful."

"Ain't I, though? I don't want tha kid ta go ovahboard on tha brains, though. She might end up tha Goddess of Philosophy. Though come ta think of it, that would be in my line. Lots of shit gets stirred up by opposin philosophies."

"Well, if Lump is placed in the House of Love, he might be the God of... Let's see... How about Fidelity? That's a nice, steady position."

I made a face. "Cupe, ya know Zeus. Ya really think he's gonna set up a God of marital faithfulness?"

"I guess not."

"How about Goddess of Infatuation? One night stands--yowza! Or maybe tha kid could work with me. I could use a God of Irritation ta help out." I giggled. "Or he could be tha God of Frustration, an' he'd work with botha us."

"You know what I think would be a good position? Goddess of Daydreams, particularly if the little one turns out to be creative."

"Don't see why she won't be. I'm pretty damn inventive, aftah all."

He reached undah my tummy an' rubbed my crotch. "Yes, you are. You know, when you got pissed at all the health food and told me to take that carrot and stick it..."

I grinned. "That was interestin. I nevah thought ya'd actually do it."

"Anthing for you, sweetcheeks." He kissed me.

"Have I been an awful bitch?" He held his thumb an' forefingah about an inch apart. "Yah, well, I guess I'm entitled ta that much." I sat up. "Cupe, I just thought of somethin."

"What?"

"We been wonderin if Lump is a girl or a boy. What if she's both?"

Cupid blinked. "Huh?"

"Ya know, like yer half-brothah, Hermaphroditus."

"Strife, he wasn't born that way. He melded with Salmacis when he bathed in her pool. That isn't something that's likely to happen often."

"Yah, well, if I can get preggers, I have no problem imaginin havin a kid with both an innie AN' an outie. Would it bother ya?"

He thought a little. "Not really. I think we'd both get kind of tired, though."

"Why?"

"Well, if it's a girl, we just have to worry about the boys, and if it's a boy, we just have to worry about the girls. If it's a girl and a boy we have to worry about everyone."

"Well, there's no point in worryin about it now, so let's get back ta what Lump is gonna do. Ya suppose Unc would like a God of Bravery?"

"He might, and that would give Lump a wide range of influence, since there's all sorts of bravery. I suppose that you could use a Goddess of Conspiracies to help you and Dad out."

I nodded. "It would free up a lot of my time. How about tha God of Humah?"

"Wouldn't that fall into the Muses' domain?"

I waved. "Nah. They're nice broads, but they can't do slapstick fah shit. I mean, they nevah got a buncha Preatorian guards in a custard tart fight, did they? Tha only thing they think of ta do with banana peels is use 'em fah compost. I mean, I gave wunna them a dribble goblet an' I still ain't heard tha end of it."

"I know Zeus has been talking about appointing a deity for control of the stars, but I don't know how Artemis would take that, if Lump turns out to be a boy. And then Apollo would probably pout because Night had a helper and Day didn't."

"Eventhough he'd hate ta give up any of tha glory. I don't want any kid of mine workin for Shine Boy, anyway. He'd have Lump muckin out his nags' stable--by hand."

There was a flash of red sparkles. "I'd like to see him try. I'd drive that chariot of his right up his ass."

Nope. Not Ares. Fooled ya, didn't I? No, aftah a few months of brooding an' kicking tha ass of any mortal that came within reach (I think maybe a coupla small villages in tha provinces had ta relocate) Ma had kinda settled inta tha thought of bein a grandma. At least she didn't go psycho every time it was mentioned, and she started droppin by now an' then ta check on me. It was a little disconcertin. I mean, fah mosta my life I only dealt with Ma when she was beltin me for some reason, or I was helpin her in tha performance of duties. "Ma! How ya doin?"

"Not bad." She materialized a chair an' dropped down into it beside me. "Just finished a nice little dust up. You were right, son. Changing their uniforms to match really threw them into a tizzy." She laughed. "It was so cool--they didn't know who to attack, so they just attacked everyone. Ares was pissed at both sides, so it worked out terrific." I sighed. Cupid frowned, and Ma looked uncomfortable. She hesitated, then awkwardly patter my shoulder. "You'll be back in the thick of it in no time, Strife."

"I guess, but I'm kinda gettin cabin fevah." Asclepius had declared at tha beginnin of my eighth month that I was ta give up my duties fah tha duration. I'd tried ta argue. I told 'im tha mortals would get fulla themselves if they didn't have me ta torment 'em. Cupid had gotten that 'look'--part patient, part stubborn, an' I knew that I was gonna do exactly what Ace said.

Eris slapped Cupe's back, right between tha wings. "What? This stud isn't keeping you occupied?"

I grinned. "Didn't say that, Ma, but I'm hankerin fah a different kinda action.

Her expression got a little stiff, an' she pointed at my bulgin belly. She nevah asked ta feel Lump, like everyone else did. Even Zeus had felt Lump doin acrobatics, an' tha old goat had gotten a silly smile on his face. "How's the... uh...?"

"Lump's doin fine."

She kinda twisted in her seat. "It's kind of unfair. You didn't even get the one real benefit of being pregnant."

"What's that?"

"Your period stops."

I made a face. "Bleedin on schedule ain't my idea of fun."

"You're telling me? And since I get the whole nine yards--headaches, bloating, cramps, mood swings..." Cupe an' I exchanged looks. Yah, with Ma, how could ya tell if tha mood swings were tha monthlies induced ones, or just her normal ones? "What were you two discussing when I showed up? You're not considereing using Apollo as a babysitter, are you? I wouldn't trust that flake with Joxer's cat, and the cat can pretty well fend for itself."

"We were talking about what position Lump might get," Cupid told her. "You know Zeus--he refuses to even give us a hint. He wants to do the grand announcement thing."

Eris thought. "A God of Misunderstanding would be useful. He could operate in the houses of both Love and War. Or he could appoint Lump God of Darkness. I hope not. He'd probably have to spend all his time hanging with Hades and Artemis."

Bliss came in. "Hi, Auntie Eris!" He came ovah fah a kiss. "Whatcha doing?"

"We're trying to figure out what your little brother or sister is going to be when they grow up. You know, Strife is God of Mischief, your daddy is God of Love, I'm Goddess of Chaos..."

He nodded. "Unca 'Pollo is God of Hunks."

I almost choked. "Who told ya that, kiddo?"

"Unca 'Pollo."

"Why am I not surprised? He's also God of Tha Swelled Head." He looked puzzled. "You'll figuah it out when yer biggah. If anyone's God of Hunks, it's yer dad. Now, ya got any ideas of what sorta job Lump might have?"

Bliss climbed up on Cupid's lap (couldn't get in mine anymore. Tartarus, I didn't have one anymore), an' scratched his head. "Well... How 'bout Goddess of Friendship?"

We all exchanged looks. I leaned ovah an' gave him a smackin kiss on tha forehead. "My kid, tha genius. That'd be fantastic, Blissy." I sighed. "Tha sense of humah tha Fates have, though, we may end up with tha Goddess of Meaningful Discussions." Cupid shuddered. He had a hard time keepin some of his couples tagethah whenever wunna tha ladies wanted wunna those.

Eris said, "Gaia might want a God or Goddess of Rain. That could come under either of the houses: Love for the gentle Spring sprinkles, and War for the violent thunderstorms and hurricanes."

"Geez, I hope not. We're gonna hafta deal with wet beds already without that." I sighed. "I guess there's no reason ta speculate. Zeus is gonna do whatevah strikes him. He'll probably declare Lump tha Goddess of Hot Sheet Motels." They all looked at me. "Future reference. I'm gonna do summa my best work there. Well," I started ta haul myself up. I was shocked when Ma jumped up an' put her arm undah mine, helpin me up. I couldn't remembah tha last time she'd touched me except ta shake me silly. "I, uh, I gotta go fah my daily waddle in tha garden."

Bliss climbed down. "I come, too." He took my hand. "Come on, Stwife. Watch you step. Don't walk too fast, you shake Lump up." He put his othah hand undah my belly. "You want me to help you carry Lump?"

I giggled. "Nah, I can handle it. Maybe next month ya can get Heph ta make me a wheelbarrow or somethin."

"Strife, don't take any chances. If you feel the least bit light headed, you blink up a chair right then and sit down, or I'll kick your butt after that baby is born." She looked a little embarrassed. A handbell appeared in her hand, an' she passed it ta me. "If you need anything, give that a clang, and I'll be right with you."

"I..." Ma? Offerin ta go outta her way fah me? I felt an itchy sensation in my eyes, an' blinked really fast. "Uh, thanks, Ma."

She looked away, picking at her breastplate, then looked back at me. "Yes, well," her voice was gruff. "Just don't abuse it." She flashed out without anothah word of good-bye.

I looked at Cupe. "Cupe? Ya think maybe Ma's sick?"

He smiled. "No. I just think that maybe she's not just learing how to be a grandma, she's starting to learn how to be a mother, too."
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Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit